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I go by the moniker Fiza.
I am solitary by choice, not circumstances.
I have friends, I'm not lonely.
I have love, I do have a heart.
I can be cold, I am made to be stronger than most.
I can be quiet, I was born to be the only child.
I can be funny and loud, I was taught to always have fun.
I can be anything I want to be. Only because I can.




Bituwin - Blogskin
Edited by Yours Truly.
Blog Title is E.B. White's famous words, rephrased.
Monday, March 07, 2011
changing.

i wanted to just let this go and let it all disappear because i hate confrontations and to be honest, i don't see the point of tainting my happiness with such matters. but because i do care for this friendship, i will say it here where hopefully you might one day see.


i will not be emotionally blackmailed into apologizing for or resolving a situation where multiple parties are involved. i don't know if that was directed at me, but knowing you, it probably was. and my immediate response would be- no i have not, but do you remember caring about my feelings and happiness, the way i did for yours?


i can't quite place when things started changing for me- perhaps when you said you refuse to "waste your spit" talking to me about him, or the zilch reaction i got when i shared my happy news that he was coming, everyone's disappearance when i was going through a shitty time during his deportation/ immigration nightmare, the feeling of the air being sucked out of the atmosphere when i just mentioned his name to the group, or your very blatant ignorance of my very open question to the possibility of him joining us. "ohhh okay. enjoy your holiday." nice.


it is not lost on me that things started changing when he came into the picture. but you can hardly accuse me of gushing over him to you, since after your very categorical rejection (see: wasting spit), i made it a point to not talk about him to you ever. that night with everyone else there, i did warm up and eventually join in but i realize that while someone will always show concern or ask about some aspect of everyone else's life in one way or another, no one asked me that night. we went round asking/ updating about everyone's lives/ main issues. but not mine.


very likely it was because you knew it was something to do with him and i guess you had no interest in knowing. which just brings me to the bottomline: i don't understand. i truly do not get why there's this ban on ever speaking of him. and unfortunately, no one has cared enough about the possible loss of friendship to make me understand. am i supposed to immediately be able to see it the way you do?


this is what i see: i've met someone amazing who makes me happy, but the people whom i thought were my nearest and dearest are not happy for me as well. perhaps i am wrong, but i can't say i've been given reason to think otherwise.


maybe this isn't such a high road- i could have talked to you directly, instead of writing it here. but the same can be said for you- you could have just told me whatever it was. you had never held back before. but please do not accuse me of writing an obscure post indirectly targeted at you. i have made it quite clear i am referring to you, i think.


so i don't know. i do miss the fun times, and i have not forgotten how you were there when i needed someone. but i also cannot just forget how things have gotten, and how it made me feel. if you still feel it's my fault and i got myself here, then all and fine. i apologize for not having been a good enough friend in your eyes.


but i make no apologies for who or how i am now- i don't think i have so much changed as i've just decided i want to be happy and be surrounded by people who will willingly share this happiness with me. and unfortunately that wasn't forthcoming from you.