so here it is, merry christmas.

merry christmas everyone! i'm about to get ready for the peejots' annual christmas shindig but before that i felt a need to remember what's been happening lately.


in vietnam, i spoke to an old lady who told me the story of her life and it made me realize how much much much more fortunate i am. obviously i've always known that but to see it so clearly through the eyes of someone who's never really known happiness just takes it to a different level.


that night after we spoke, i deleted the folder of text messages from suresh i still had in my phone. to give you an idea, it took about 3 minutes for my phone to complete this arduous task. these are messages spanning more than a year, since he got me this phone on our anniversary last year.


before i deleted it, i re- read the messages. the last few we had was sad... not in the crying kind of way, but sad in the way it reflected just how empty we had became and yet how desperately we clung to what little we had left between us.


then i got to the messages from the times we were actually together. and it made me happy to know i once had that. but other than that, reading/ thinking of him no longer made me feel... anything in particular. i could breathe and not think of him and the pangs were gone.


i don't really know what this means. clearly what we shared was special, and it will always be. i can delete suresh from my phone, my profile pictures but i can't ever erase him from my life and i am glad for that. he is a most wonderful guy and i wish him all the happiness in the world.


but i think i am fully and completely okay now. if i see him on the streets, i won't run and hide or cry. when the phone beeps, i'm no longer hoping it's him. when i hear a sudden bump, i don't think it's him knocking on my room window, coming to make it right all over again. i'm no longer carrying all that secret hope which was so goddamn heavy it weighed me down daily.


i feel a need to write a beautiful eulogy, to immortalize in words everything he meant to me. to always remember his beautiful, kind and loving soul which for some strange reason, absolutely and totally adored me for years and years. for the longest time, him loving me was my favorite thing.


but i think i've been eulogizing for months now. there's more than enough here to vouch for the amazing person that he is and will always be, to me. the funeral is long overdue to end.

10:59:00 AM ·