long enough.

friends, roman, countrymen, lend me your ears! haha. hello everybodehhh. if there's even anybody reading this anymore. how's your december been?


i'm guessing most of those who read this are also my close friends in real life, or at least on my twitter. in which case this might not be much of an update but here it goes anyway.


the england trip with the kids went well. i was quite exhausted at some points, but all that went away once i got to london cuz as we all know that city has a magic hold on me. being occupied constantly helped, and traveling with my colleague/ friend was a blast. it was a also a very different type of traveling as you would know- we were on the road everyday till we arrived in london. it was pretty crazy stuff. long bus rides gives you way too much time to think.


some things changed during that trip i feel- i could listen to what i refer to as 'our songs' and not spaz out or cry or anything. my days were always charged with a tinge of sadness but it wasn't as bad as when i was back home. so it WAS all good, pretty much.


then i got home. at the airport, i mildly panicked cuz i was afraid i'd bump into him back from a work trip, holding hands with a girl or some crap like that. by the time i was home i was already in quite a state. i tried to pass it off as exhaustion, but because my mum is my mum i ended up saying everything anyway.


how it is okay when i am far away and not everything i see reminds me of him. but the minute i get home i almost suffocate, in fear of being hurt and in so doing, hurting myself. cried quite a bit and at that point i felt that was a new low, i never thought i'd end up in such a state.


then basel/ istanbul happened. we went to basel for the first 3 days of our holiday. it was snowy and pretty and i was quite happy. on our first day in istanbul though, we went to the blue mosque and i don't know, i guess i just felt more overwhelmed by even more intense feelings and over lunch, i had a major cryfest. again.


if i remember correctly, my conversation with my mum went something like; "it's not like i want him back or anything like that. i'm okay with that, i've dealt with it. but what i'm afraid of is never being happy again. some days it feels like i will be this sad forever."


and it really honestly did. i also told her how it used to be i woke up, and was happy. nowadays i have to try, to find and carve my own happiness and on days when i don't put in enough effort i can get really really down and it's just so tiring, to always be this sad.


so that was monday, in istanbul. after the talk i was heaps better though, and the next few days were a breeze, sightseeing and eating good food. thursday night, a bunch of us at the hostel went out for drinks, where i impressed them with my non- drinking ways (HAHA) and just generally had a lot of fun.


and we went to a turkish cafe which had a cute waiter and i had a crush and it was all beginning to look up. i hadn't had a crush like that in a long, long time. friday we went out again, as well as saturday. except on saturday i came back holding hands with one of the guys in the group. haha. i think most of you would know of him so i'm not gonna mention any names.


and then we sat and chatted till about 7 am. and this went on every night till i left.


i don't want to reveal too much because it's obviously quite personal and also cuz i don't really know if it means anything or nothing or something. i think when saturday initially happened we both thought it'd just be a holiday thing and it will end when i leave.


but with this gray area things it's always hard to say. right now i'm just happy to chat with him for hours. and more than anything else he has played such a huge part in making me okay again. i don't really know if i can honestly say i've stopped loving suresh. i think i never will. but i am no longer sad about our situation.


i know it seems like it took a boy to do it, but i think this trip really helped. there were some days in istanbul i felt happier and more carefree than i had in years. it's such a glorious city like that.


and of course all the fawning turkish men helped. malay girls- please go to istanbul. they will ADORE you there. one man stopped me on the streets to say i was a "fantastic colour" and a young- ish girl (12? 13?) smiled at me about 5 million times before coming up to me and holding my shoulder and saying, "I LOVE YOU!" and then asked her brother to take a picture of her with me. haha.


right now i'm in the midst of packing for my 3rd and final trip- phu quoc, vietnam. appropriately enough, i'll be on my own. clearly my numbers are dwindling- 15 kids-> 1 mum -> 0. haha. but i am well prepared, i got plenty of colouring books and my books from book depository have also arrived. also hoping to ride a motorbike if i ever work up the courage to ride their potted roads. if not a bicycle then.


the weather was supposed to be warm and sunny, but right now i'm seeing thunderstorms predicted. but it's okay, i'll just park myself somewhere with a book. it doesn't really matter at this point. i'm happy.

3:59:00 PM ·