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I go by the moniker Fiza.
I am solitary by choice, not circumstances.
I have friends, I'm not lonely.
I have love, I do have a heart.
I can be cold, I am made to be stronger than most.
I can be quiet, I was born to be the only child.
I can be funny and loud, I was taught to always have fun.
I can be anything I want to be. Only because I can.

    follow me on Twitter




    Bituwin - Blogskin
    Edited by Yours Truly.
    Blog Title is E.B. White's famous words, rephrased.

    Thursday, December 28, 2006
    whoo hoo.

    what a fulfilling session of soccahhhhhh. man i forgot how much i miss playing. was really good to be back. and joy of joys, wenting my darling of a team mate got me a christmas present- liverpool football- with 5 stars in commemoration of Istanbul. HOO YEAH. i love wenting! hahaha.

    so after that i had to cancel tentative coffee date with nyd and sara cuz i was pooped beyond belief. i barely made it to my room in PGP (thank god i applied for vacation stay) and crashed landed in dreamworld within seconds.

    woke up hungry though, so made plans with the nehneh for lunch/ early dinner/ general food- eating session at harbourfront. pastamania, then a walk to vivo, then back to harbourfront cuz i was desperate to try the pizza burger at New York Pizza. i have the other half in my bag, along with a piece of nehneh's HUGE slice of cheeeeeeeesy pizza. i LOVE new york pizza. aren't i full of love today? ha.

    well got home an hour or so ago and mum is apparently buying a new phone- the sony ericsson, the one with the 3.2 MP camera. how exciting.

    i dream of the day i finally publish my own book, and am paid to travel to get inspired. :D spend days and days typing away, though unfortunately i will only get to backspace, delete, instead of pulling the paper out of the typewriter and and scrunching it up in anger and trying to shoot the paperball into the bin. hahaha. yellow post- its stuck all over the wall with ideas and inspirations and witty lines i might want to squeeze in. write anything i want, prose, poetry, scripts, newspaper articles, anything at all. anything i want.

    and i hope what i plan to do next takes me closer to that dream. once i got it in my head, this dream has been increasingly impossible to let go off. and i think i'm willing to do anything, take risks, leave comfort zones, just so i can become closer to this side of me that can never thrive from where i stand now.

    one final miracle. just one last one. let me get this one, and i will forever live at peace with myself.

    same old senario, same old game...

    just a little older, that's all.

    BLOODY hell. bidding war hath begun.


    seriously, would it ever end? well i know my hell will end soon but seriously, there MUST be a better system of attaining a university education.


    a module i'm bidding for has vacancy for 2, and 9 bidders. next minimum bid? is about 1500, a lil' too much, no? so i dropped it. GRR.

    this all the more seals the decision i've made over the past weeks... i'm not sure whether i'll get there so i won't reveal it just yet. but i hope i get it, and all hell of NUS ends then.

    and hafiz lim yimin, i am SO sorry i forgot your birthday but i was busy as hell after i came back, what with the cousin and all. so yeah. hope it was a good one. i owe you a present, i know.

    soccer tomorrow, hope it stops raining by then. all the downpour gets boring after a while. bah.

    oh and results were okay. could have been better, could have been worse. so oh well.

    i'm in a terribly blah mood. nyeh.

    Tuesday, December 26, 2006
    a thief with wrinkly eyes.

    i feel a need to apologize to all those asking if i'm back or not etc. i AM back. since tuesday morning 1 a.m. to be exact. but since i do not have internet connection at home and i haven't been travelling with my laptop to wireless hotspots lately... you know how it is.

    there's a great story about my flight back which i'll talk about in a bit. then on friday my cousins from malaysia came over. they're only leaving tomorrow so the past long weekend has been spent with them visiting sentosa, adam road, island creamery, all sorts. and tomorrow its back to soccer training which i do miss a whole lot. so yes, back to normal. and how can i forget, results tomorrow. i've gotten past and am now resigned to my fate, whatever it may be. i refuse to leave my life in the hands of 5 alphabets every end of semester- quite the boring life.

    10 days away from home was great- lessons learnt, such. and i realized just how close i've became to the nehneh, not just in terms of physical presence but for just that reassurance that if i screw up or go wrong he's there to help me out, sort things out and make it all seem better and have a good laugh together while at it.

    expectedly, i miss melbourne. not all the time but at random moments; like when i entered Giant @ IMM today i longed for Big W at the basement of QV Square with the Brunby's Bakery in front and Safeway right across. the giant durians and watermelons and the pretty clothes and cheap dvds at Big W... man i love that place.

    i also miss their "summer". yesyes, i grew to enjoy the slight cold. BUT only when its slight. it was nice. i sweat less.

    pictures? here's some. i don't want to risk uploading it all and losing it since i'm relying on a certain "mr. azhar's" wireless connection. like i said, thief. with wrinkles, cuz apparently i got wrinkly eyes. EGAD.

















    great ocean road was GORGEOUS.























    that's the 12 apostles behind me. i know its just stacked limestone but its still rather breathtaking.



















    fiza all nice and bundled up, warm and cozy in... summer. -_- the dumb part is you can only see the bright sunny- ness reflected in my shades but you can't see the wind (unless you look at my hair!! its blown away!!), the COLD COLD wind freezing my ears off.



















    have i mentioned the shopping was DAMN good? and the weather allowed me to wear hats and not feel stupid. but MAN the shopping. this was bridge road, which provided much therapy relief. i am OFF shopping for the next 10... days. heh heh.



















    the boy who made it all nice and lovely in melbourne. :) welcome back, mate.


















    in the forthcoming story you will read about how i met these 2 boys- one's Deki from China, but he's been in Melb for 10 years and visited Singapore for a few days. and the other's Ben, half Aussie and half Indian, backpacking Asia till 15th Jan. nice boys, made my flight so much more bearable.

    "The last day in melbourne was sweet. Last- minute purchases, tram ride to bus terminal with diz and sab, then goodbye to sab, bus ride to the airport with diz, long queue to check- in, checked in, made the luggage allowance with my 2 big bags and hafiz’s puma bag, fillet o’ fish at Macs, sit and chat in front of passport control, then in I go. Passport control, walk to Gate 11, sit and read my last Melbourne news, wait till the queue was shorter before going in.

    And then.

    Entered the plane, walked towards my seat. I didn’t get a window seat but at least it wasn’t the middle aisle seats. Saw my seat, saw a guy sitting at the window seat and thought of asking for a swap but changed my mind, in struggle to keep luggage in overhead cabin guy by window seat says hi. His friend next to him, or at least what I thought was his friend, had dreadlocks. Random point to note but yes. Kept my luggage, sat down. Dreadlock boy was between me and ‘hi’ guy. Read my paper while waiting for take- off. ‘hi’ guy asks to borrow it later for horoscopes. Said okay, and passed it to him. Talked a little while waiting for take- off, ‘hi’ guy was Deki, china dude living in Aussie for 10 years, Ben was half- aussie half- Indian, living in geelong, near bell’s beach. Talked and talked and talked. Played games on the monitor together. We all suck at Trivia. I suck at Tetris. Deki’s good at that one. I aced scramble- dash. Ben won Trivia. And then it was dinner- chicken curry! And orange bread butter pudding! Traded my roast beef appetizer with Deki’s pudding. Lovely.

    Hardly slept in the flight, played lotsa games, talked a lot, laughed a lot, and when the lights did go out for a bit I napped for a while, but then it was snacks time, and I got a peach. Swapped numbers and emails, and I’m now supposed to set up a MySpace account. Haha.

    But the fun didn’t stop there.

    Upon arrival was long wait for my 3 checked in luggage, and they were convinced I am a shopaholic. Mum fetched me at the airport with her friend, who drove a van. Ben was gonna take a shuttle to town for $7, but it was all booked out. He was gonna stay at Hang Out @ Mt. Emily’s, near Little India before his flight out to Bangkok on Wednesday. Deki’s hotel was booked under his friend’s name, who was arriving at 5 p.m. from China, so he was accommodation- less from 1 a.m. till 5 p.m. Ben got a cab- but they wanted $47. so long story short- mum’s friend dropped Ben off, and Deki slept over at the guest room at my place. Uhuh.

    So more yammering in the van, snapped a picture together, dropped ben off, Deki came to my place, I unpacked, mum got her stuff and her chocolates, and walla.

    I’m home."

    so yes, the entire trip from beginning to end, was LOVELY and its been great to be home too. at least it will be, till the holidays end. hah. blog more soon, hopefully.

    so HO HO HO and a Merry Christmas to all!


    Saturday, December 16, 2006
    it'll be fine, i promise.

    for all the solitude i've lived with for 21 years, nothing quite prepared me for 10 days of being alone in a foreign country. its different. the last time i went to chiang mai, i was still surrounded by many friends, there for the same cause, and i slept in a room with shahira, a soulmate i never knew i had.

    this time around i'm really alone. even if i meet hafiz in the day, or text suresh at times, or mum calls once a day... i'm still alone. even when hafiz's cousin sleeps over i feel alone. maybe even more so, knowing there's another person under the same roof that i simply could not connect with on a more intimate level. it makes me feel bare, empty. almost inept of social interactions.

    as great as the holiday is, the loneliness gets to me. i enjoy watching dvds on my own, sipping coke, or reading a book to sleep... but days and days of solitude has made me crave for a hug, a cuddle, a smile from people i love most.

    this morning i cried for the first few hours in the car just... for the hell of it. i remember eddie koh's words, don't ever stop yourself from crying. just let it go. and i did. i thought of home, i thought of hugs, i thought of the warmth of lovely company and i cried and cried and cried till i fell asleep. i woke up feeling alot better.

    but its back again. i've just watched home alone 2 on dvd and i think i'll read to sleep now. but i wish i had someone beside me i could turn to and laugh with, or wish goodnight, or anything, any form of human contact at all would be great now.

    its the night time. it has always been the night time that got to me. it makes me wonder and ponder and think silly things i need not bother with.

    and soon i'll be in paralysis, wrought with worry and negative thoughts. drowning in so much worrying thoughts that i don't know what to think or do next. just, paralysed.

    at times like this i know what makes me human. for all the bravado and facade of fiercely upheld solitude, i still want need, the human touch.

    When you try your best but you don't succeed
    When you get what you want but not what you need
    When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
    Stuck in reverse

    And the tears come streaming down your face
    When you lose something you can't replace
    When you love someone but it goes to waste
    could it be worse?

    Lights will guide you home
    And ignite your bones
    And I will try to fix you

    Tears stream down on your face
    When you lose something you cannot replace
    Tears stream down your face
    And I

    Tears stream down on your face
    I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
    Tears stream down your face
    And I

    Lights will guide you home
    And ignite your bones
    And I will try to fix you

    Friday, December 08, 2006
    post 1588.

    first things first- its been GREAT since the exams ended. immediately after my paper on wednesday was borders with the nehneh to buy my 2 michael connellys'. i am one happy woman.



















    thursday was window- shopping with farhana, free coffee from starbucks, and meeting the peejay clan sans ruz and yunus. haqeem joined us for a bit and when he left he was replaced by fahrur.















    spent both nights watching lots of tv and reading my new books. oh i also got a sue townsend from that bookshop at far east for $6 so more yays.

    am back in pgp to pack for my trip, collect my laptop etc. later this evening me and suresh are headed to sentosa for a movie by the beach, to celebrate our 1 year and 4 months together. i counted in the shower just now. :D

    i have however, been suddenly hit by the mens cramps and it hurts like a bitch, as usual. so i'll rest for a bit before i pack up and shower and leave. if you want updates of my trip, visit my travelblog that i've linked on the right.

    i will miss you guys while i'm gone. see you when i'm back! and feel free to tag nonsense to entertain me when i do go online. haha.

    much love,

    Wednesday, December 06, 2006
    the end.

    off to get ready and leave for my final paper. i'll be going home after that so god knows when i'll blog again. i'll try to slip one in before i leave for melbourne though.

    may God be with me for this last joyride. man i can't wait for it to be over.

    conspiracy theory.

    what is more difficult than mugging for a boring module?

    mugging for your last paper which is a boring module.

    what little perseverance i had went out of the window and now i shall go to sleep and wake up early and hope tomorrow brings by a more productive session. thank god the paper is at 5 p.m.

    i want my life back.

    Tuesday, December 05, 2006
    one down.

    one last one tomorrow.

    paper was manageable. i'll have to gather what little discipline i have left to mug for tomorrow's paper. then i'm done.

    ironically for all this 'can't wait to end the sem' bullshit, i've also prepared for next sem. i've got a timetable up, bidding nonwithstanding. goodness. hafiz la! he planned his already so i planned mine too. oh well. time for nap.

    Letter to God

    i first wrote this on november 9th 2003 when i was days away from the A levels and i felt incredibly unprepared and generally stupid.

    kinda like now. i'm in desperate need of a hug, and divine intervention.

    so here goes.

    Letter To God

    God help me throughout the next few weeks while I embark on the journey that will cost me my future.

    I have faith in myself and in You. I just hope You will be with me right from the beginning to the end.

    Don't let me go, God, don't let me lose what I already have.

    I'm praying on giving my best, and hoping that You add a miracle to it.

    I'm not greedy God. I know where I stand. I don't ask for straight A's.

    Just allow me grades sufficient to make it to Social Work. or at least NIE.

    Please help me God. Cuz in this momentous time of madness, I can't help myself.

    I was calm before God, because I didn't know what to feel. Fear? Excitement? Anticipation?

    I just wanted to get it over and done with.

    But now I just want to keel over and die.

    God please stay with me. Please give me strength, faith, and belief to proceed with this hellish nightmare.

    I haven't been the best believer, but I really do believe in You, God.

    So please be there for me. I'm begging You, God.

    You're all I have now.

    Please help me, God.

    Monday, December 04, 2006
    uhuh, uhuh.

    just had dinner at Kgourmet, residence cafe with halal western food. chicken chop was surprisingly good today and they gave me quite a big portion. maybe they saw the need to feed my skinny bones, heh.

    washed down with coke and mushroom soup. while waiting i did readings. now i'm back, still on readings.

    the walk back to my block felt particularly odd, could almost feel the palpable aura of solitude. i realized since i moved here i've hardly walked down that path alone; its always with suresh or a bunch. usually suresh. we have dinner at canteen or kgourmet, then we walk back. or he fetches me at the lobby when i return from soccer training and we walk back. and most of the time these walks involved a hyperactive fiza dancing around, singing, doing heavy metal rendition of nirvana hits, practicing kungfu moves (trigerred by that bruce lee movie) with her smelly face towel and generally being exuberantly loud and laughing at herself cuz i think i am damn funny.

    and then suresh just watches, or when i get too noisy or active he tries to constrain me so that i don't hurt anyone, or myself. or wake up anyone. he always fails, of course.

    but the point is he's always there on those walks and on days i am calm enough we manage to hold hands and spend 30 seconds walking in silence till i think of something stupid to do, like sing in 'tamil' and dance around.

    and just abit more unnecessary story- telling. he is also the reason why i'm actually going to melbourne this saturday, he made the effort to plan with my mum and they both made it happen.

    more unnecessary story- telling. this friday is also our anniversary... but we'd be damned to know what anniversary it is. somewhere between a year and 2 years. i can't be bothered to go count and nor can he. and since we don't celebrate/ remember every month we don't ever keep count and so this is the results- anniversary number i don't know what. but what matters is this month we remembered! so yay us. if you got time you can count for me, we got together sortish 8th august 2005. we don't really know when we actually got together so we just picked a random date that seemed easy to remember. so yes. :)

    a very hemsem picture of us.

    thank you for holding my hands, even for 30 seconds

    the good the bad the ugly.

    the good news; i got my thosai. no more craving!

    the bad news; i didn't get to eat it with red and white chutney like i like it.

    the good news; i got putu mayam!

    the bad news; i had to forgo rojak for that.

    the good news; i sent my shorts to be fixed.

    the bad news; ALL THIS TOOK TIME.

    and now i am increasingly nervous for my paper tomorrow. i feel like a headless chicken. i've done readings, gone through my lecture notes, but i still feel like i am going to war without ammunition. nobody EVER touch ai yun modules. she's a nice ol' missus but gee woman, you need to focus. now all your students feel as headless as you are at lectures. sigh.

    oh well. when it comes it comes and only then it will end.

    lalala.

    another break, another internet thingamajick.







    if you ask me, i have NO idea what this means. so what IS my seduction style? i escape? and if i do, how seductive can that be?

    life's full of mysteries.

    in other news, i am in love with ricky muscat and damien leith, also aussie idol finalists. in fact damien won so yeah. his version of hallelujah by leonard cohen is.... swoooooooon. and ricky muscat has a... michael buble vibe of sorts. go youtube them la okay. the top 6 of australian idols can easily be singapore's best idol yet. they're so good la! and i just LOVE damien's irish twang. and muscat sang i saw her standing there by beatles! and a very good down under, by men at work. love love love the songs they choose too. damien's crying originally by roy orbison is the SHITS.

    and and and i found ZAITON SAMEON on youtube! the best la! menaruh harapan- febret okay this one. francesca peters also got. aku hanya pendatang and sekadar di pinggiran. YES i am an old foggy leave me alone.

    this is what zaition sameon looks like...























    orbit right? i know. hurhur. i like.













    and this is francesca peters! i don't know if any of you malay people would even know their songs but its not too old la... umm. 70s? 80s maybe? i dunno la. but yea. i like the music of ye olde.

    okay back to readings!

    HOLY COW.

    i am studying but for a break i decided to search youtube for the much- raved about australian idol finalist, bobby flynn. diz was convinced i'd love him and i DO! ohmygod diz i totally get what you mean about the goosebumps. this is one of my favourite songs and he sang it in such a brilliant way. truly breathtaking, this fella.

    WATCH HIM HERE. no regrets, i promise. he is supertalented.

    yiiiiiiiiiiha.

    papers on tuesday and wednesday. i'm not exactly ready BUT i sure am ready to leave! haha.

    its so miserable to have papers so late in the week when everyone else is already celebrating the end of their's. but its okay, i'll get my turn soon.

    drank coffee to prep myself for tonight's session. am planning to get some solid work done for the exams so that i will be able to enjoy my break with a clear conscience.

    saturday was pluck where i found out my vintage bag cost $225 so forget it. i'll scour around melbourne if i have to. mum and me also went by another little shop that sold all sorts of cute tops and got me a vintage dress and her a shawl- cape. then it was the little white cafe next to kampong glam cafe for yummy pastry and drinks. sour cherry bun and chocolate praline was heaaaven with my mango- passion juice and her blackcurrant tea. lovely place, will definitely be back.

    after that was bugis shopping- U2 sale at the square! got a tank and a cardigan for $8 each, very worth it. mum also got 2 tops for the same price. i love christmas bargains.

    well that's it, no more yakking. time to study and study hard i will. and after that, melbourne awaits. :)

    Friday, December 01, 2006
    IJRGTHN

    firstly, gastric pain. OW.

    secondly, sociology of religion + brain = OW.

    THIRDLY AND MOST IMPORTANTLY!

    i found THIS.















    THIS HAS BEEN SITTING AND WAITING PATIENTLY FOR ME SINCE GODKNOWSWHEN IN THAT QUIET LITTLE LANE CALLED HAJI LANE AND I JUST WANT TO DIE BECAUSE I HAVE STUPIDLY WALKED PAST THE SHOP AND TOOK PICTURES OF IT WITHOUT REALIZING MY LOVE AWAITS BEYOND ITS DOORS. I AM A FOOOOOOOOL.

    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
    THE GATES OUTSIDE PLUCK. -_______________-

    now i am dying to go to pluck because any minute wasted is another minute spent away from my one true love. i don't care by hook or by crook i am going to pluck tomorrow. WHO IS WITH ME! maybe i can drag suresh or my mum there. if i can't buy it at the very least i can caress it lovingly to let it know its not forgotten, only overlooked.

    oh vintage suitcase, i found you just when i thought i had lost you. no one shall come between us now. no one.

    and yes THIS IS OBSESSIVE. and no that's not exactly the colour i want but if they have one they should have at least one more in a more desirable colour. if someone has already bought this i will stalk that person and make an offer OR punch him/ her and steal the bag.


    i think i'm having a nervous breakdown. i might break into rashes just THINKING of how close i was to it and if i lose it will forever be devastated.