being obscure clearly.

Monday, October 31, 2005

rawn maak...

ok i suddenly have this massive craving for nam prik. i.e. thai style chilli sauce; chopped chilli padi in fish sauce. sluuuuurp. hot stuff.

it taste good with absolutely everything. fish rice chicken vege... aaaah. what i'd give to be back in ban tham phayao among people who speaks a language so foreign you constantly find yourself saying mai kow jai! repeatedly accompanied by a frantic head- shaking motion, waking up to a freezing morning, bundling myself up in layers of sweaters and colourful, stripey gloves, making our way down to the market for some warm raisin waffles and funky soya bean.

i think its time to buy a bottle of fish sauce, cook some warm rice and fry some fish. and sit at the veranda in the freezing cold.

if we wanted to have dinner at the verandah we had to make sure we reached home by 6, or else we'd freeze half to death eating outside. once it gets dark, dinner has to be eaten indoors. in the morning though, despite the freezing cold, we eat outside cuz the morning bustle is really a sight to behold. and there's always bananas for desserts. heh. our surrogate mae OWNED a banana plantation, among other things.

laundry had to be hung at the back of the house, on really aunthentic bamboo poles. the kitchen was a wooden outhouse on stilts, attached to the back of the house. several nights spent in there boiling water, to have some instant noodles or milo to go with the extremely delicious (or so it was at that time) cream crackers. we devoured those by the bottle. and instant noodles for 3 comprised of 5 packets in one huge- ass bowl.

good days.

in that freezing weather, the only house in that village with warm water was the one we were in. its rather safe to assume we were the only 3 in the whole group of us who showered before morning meetings. even so, the hot water came from a really small pipe/ shower of sorts, and it was rather like a trickle, and in the wee hours of 6 in that freezing cold, that pipe is like a saviour, and you usually hold on to it for dear life, and end up staying in the toilet longer than expected cuz to let go of the warm water and just reach out to your left for your towel means exposing yourself to some mindnumbing cold.

and once that towel is wrapped around you, you frantically run into your room, stand still, teeth chattering, till you're rather warmed, then tentatively move towards the bed to put on the clothes you had set out earlier to save time, and allow for immediate clothing. you put on socks in your room, cuz the walk to the living room means stepping on cement and you don't want your toes frozen.

i truly miss all that.

and no amount of pictures or videos can actually recreate the bliss of those 20 days. and i know this time if i do go back, it still won't be the same. it was truly, in all sense of the term, a once in a lifetime experience.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

crikey!

gonna do my home project soon. nyeh. am feeling 1x extreme lethargy.

this is one heckuva warm day... will it rain soon please?

the first thing i'd do next next week is hit the beach. i need to wind down a little before the full- blown exam mugging.

oh and um, what hari raya? haha. i didn't buy anything new. no new clothes, new shoes, new handbag, etc. its really kinda blah for me this year. and i don't see it changing over the next few years... growing old i am.

when dizzie told me last year he stopped looking forward to raya already i was shocked. like how could anyone not look forward to raya? haha. but now i kinda know how that feels.

i'm more concerned about the paper i'd be submitting the day before raya and 4 days after raya. and the presentation 5 days after raya. and the exams. and etc.

i even gave geylang another shot last night but even that failed to stir the raya sentiments. its really gone i guess. oh well.

at least i got new shoes. and pretty too! can't wait to wear them tomorrow.

oh in other news; liverpool won, chelsea won (blablabla), wigan won, arsenal drew and OH BLIMEY, middlesbrough thoroughly trashed man u. would wonder never cease?

i should have gotten cable yonks ago la.

and as always, like every sundays, i miss my boyfriend. cuz its been 48 hours. i shall declare that the official legal time limit. 2 days apart allows for some form of missing.

i should really get down to business now. ok la. more later.

and its still one bloody hot day.

whee oh whee

i got cable, watched my first liverpool game on cable and WALLA! they beat west ham united, 2- 0. and man u trails middlesbrough by 3 goals to none. oh the magic.

went to geylang with the lesbonbon. prayed, break fast, walked about, bought food, bought shoes. matching too. mine's white, her's brown. all hail the lesbian couple.

ish i think ah at the rate i'm going, blogging on saturday nights might soon cease. soccer soccer soccer! espn! star sports! JOY JOY JOY!

its half- time now for the man u game that's why i'm here. gone soon, be sure.

geylang was simply infested today. more malays than i ever knew existed. at one point human traffic came to a standstill cuz incoming exceeded outgoing by like, threefold. at NINE. so ganas.

first thing i did when it went into half- time was hang the laundry to dry. and that's like, so domesticated la.

oh and my throat is sore and my hands are red. from all the shouting and hand slaps during the liverpool game. ya i very violent spectator one. shout shout, slap my hand, etc.

my mum was dozing off and was constantly distracted by "AAAAAAAARGH!" "GOAL GOAL AHHHHH SHIT" and "EHEHEHEHEH SAVE SAVE SAVE aaaah..."

when mendieta scored the first goal against man u i whooped out loud for 3 seconds then realized that the boy would be pretty sad so i stopped cheering. second goal i was a bit more subtle, but by third goal, which was a penalty courtesy of richardson jersey pulling, i was openly celebrating. not like the boy can see what right.

okay game starting again bye bye

Saturday, October 29, 2005

annual stock- check

almost exactly a year ago, on 30th Nov. 04, i wrote this...

"here's the man i want.

he's got to be tall, tall enough to execute my perfect hug (see 9th Sept. 04). this i believe and many would agree, is my most difficult requirement. the perfect hug is the tie- breaker. the IT. the X- factor. he could be everything else i want but no perfect hug, no go.

he's got to be witty. smart. sharp. intelligent. fun- loving. sporty. smiley. funny. happy. responsible. able to lead. understand me. accept me. me as a whole. i want someone whom i think is my soulmate, my bestest friend in the world, who will joke with me and not always be in husband or boyfriend mode.

he is so perfect that i cried my way home tonight cuz i know.

he doesn't exist."

haha. guess i can wipe my tears now. :)

he does exist.

I didn't have the strength to fight
Suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling
Brighter Than Sunshine; Aqualung

You Are 60% Boyish and 40% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

oh dear god.

Friday, October 28, 2005

wise men say, only fools rush in

its a very nice night don't you think? very very nice. no?

some light breeze, very clear sky, a few stars. its a good night.

woke up and did some medical soci, figured out what i need for the home experiment then it was off to meet the indian one at 6.

was pretty breezy when i left too. i like days like these. no rain, but still cooling. aah.

waited for him at yio chu kang station and i was a lil' worried cuz i felt a little overdressed and knowing him, friday means slack day. but lo and behold he arrived all spruced in a very nice yellow shirt. and jeans! and shoes! whereabouts of bermudas, t- shirt and sandals yet to be known.

the minute he arrived he stuck his hand out. "what?" a rather crumpled plastic bag. "for you." "oh no, is it a book i loaned you?" "huh? no la where got. i returned already." "oh, hmm. okay." train arrived, we went in. "what is it?" took a peek. aww.

a box of ferrero rocher. 16 glorious balls of chocolate. the boy loves me!

"what's the occasion?" "hmm hmm for all that late night cravings you seem to be having..." :) i can't thank you enough.

made our way to plaza singapura, took a look at fox clothes, then had our pasta. i got my minestrone soup! yay! been craving for some lately.

after dinner i decided i wasn't in the mood for a fondue. so that option was dismissed. then he suggested esplanade for bread and butter pudding. now THAT'S an observant boyfriend!

"okay! wanna walk there?"
"is it walk- able?"
"oooh you can't ask me things like that, many places is walk- able to fiza."
"well okay its 7.15, can we reach there by 8?"
"pfffft yea of course what are we gonna do, crawl?"

so we walked and walked and walked and walked. to esplanade. passed by several nice cafes and weird people. mental note: go visit nice, secluded cafe one of these days.

i burped and rubbed my tummy gleefully. "i'm fat! *beams*" "haha yea." fiza continues beaming. "my girlfriend feels happy to be fat. my girlfriend is weird..."

"oh ya, what's with your msn nick today?"
"those boobs are made for walkin'?"
"yea."
"ohhhh no la someone manipulated jess simpson's pic, such that she's lying flat on the ground but her boobs are supporting her and she's actually moving. then her song, the 'boots made for walking' goes, these boobs are made for walking..."

when we walked through raffles city and exited near starbucks, there was a mass of people seated outside the mall/ station... just... sitting. but like. in some sort of order. i dunno. it was like an organized mess. if there's such a thing.

"what the..."
"hmmm i think its a cult..."
"........."
"the giant penis penis penis penis penis cult."

walked through the esplanade underpass again, and were attacked by fascinating visuals. jugglers, breakdancers, hip- hop/ beyonce- ish dancing BOYS, inline- skaters. blimey. its the ghettos again, y'all. all we need is a shoot- out and EVERYBODY DOWN DOWN DOWN! and there we have it. new jersey, without the flood.

anyway after all that the indian one went, "like, i don't get it, all that *jiggles awkwardly in meek imitation of the beyonce boys*, what the hell is that?" HAHAHA. more like what the hell is THAT, suresh. i told him i hoped that was a mockery cuz if that is really his idea of dancing then boy we got a problem.

sat by the bayfront, and cringed as the band performing at the outdoor theatre belted out cover after cover. they did a decent beatle's come together, but massacred three door's down here without you. the lead vocalist seem to have a pretty bizarre enunciation technique, and it went something like,

"i'm here without you biyyyybehhh..." something like BIBIR. with a H. biyyyyyyybihhh. jeebunks.

sat by the bay and talked a little, laughed more, tickled alot. a ship went by blasting indian songs, and we guessed it was a wedding. at one point the ship was damn far away but the indian song felt like it was right behind our ears. freaky. they must be going deaf in there.

2 malay guys walked past us, then turned around and walked back the way they came from. one of them was drunk and his friend was helping him 'walk it off'. pffft. like it'll work. he was wobbling like a badly- made konyaku jelly.

and i dunno what was more disturbing, the fact that its the fasting month or that it was only 8.15 p.m. isn't it a little too early to be getting drunk? then again what do i know ey.

after some time we decided to get our bread and butter pudding. while walking to the cafe, the same band started their second set. "oh my god. like one set wasn't bad enough." to its credit, the music was good. the band itself was fine, the vocalist just wasn't.

they did superstition and i swear everyone in the cafe choked simultaneously.

"there is superstihhheeeeeeeoooooon..." but according to the indian boy, its okay to do that, since he already did a "biyyyyyybih..."

"then you suferrrrrrrGRRRRRNNGGHH... *cue for teran taik sound/ shitting grunt*"

disturbing? indeed.

anyway we decided that we are pretty good ambassadors of deeparaya, non? and i can't really remember why, but suresh did 3 seconds of an indian dance at the cafe that cracked me up for a good 5 minutes.

had a fight over the pudding, and he ended up not getting any raisins. :D

anyway while we were walking back to the station we saw a cat in front of the esplanade.

"hey look! a cat! it must be pretty lost."
"haha yea."
"here pussy pussy pussy pussy..."
"hahahaha. like pussy in boots?"
"PUSS in boots la! what pussy in boots!"
"hahaha same la. and those boots are made for walking!"
"hahaha you're totally off the point. anyway if i had a cat i'd name it pussy. then if i lose the cat i'll look for it and say, hereeeeeeeee pussy pussy pussy pussy... or i'd go to my neighbour's place and ask, 'excuse me have you seen my pussy?'"
"HAHAHAHAHAHA."
"yea! then i'd make my husband go look for it too, so he can go, 'hi, i'm looking for my wife's pussy, have you seen it?'"
"hahaha and he can say, 'would you like to help me look for my wive's lost pussy?'"
"HAHAHAHA and they can ask me where he is and i'd go, 'oh he's out looking for my pussy.'"

hahaha ya okay we think we're damn funny la okay. hahaha.

walked past HMV and they were playing banghra hip- hop. a sneak jibe there, huh, hmv? ya mocking me now hmm hmm hmm?

took the train back, more laughs, more random- ities. i like nights like these.

then now i'm home and ready to welcome CABLE TV with open arms. :))

hope your night was great too. i love fridays. and you.

these boobs are made for walking,
what else can it do?
one of these days these boobs are gonna walk all over you...
haha. gladly.

perfection is so fleeting that when the moment does come, it hits you hard in the chest, like a thud- there you have it, and you're really just speechless and you can only hope he feels it too.

tonight you said i looked beautiful

Thursday, October 27, 2005

eat, drink and be merry

that's my motto!

done with presentation and that's a huge relief. two more paper/ project due next week, two more the week after, then its full- swing mugging for the exams. yeah ooh yeah i'm on a roll baby!

presentation wasn't all too fantastic but it was okay. and that's more than enough. 2- 4 class, ended, took the train with maplek and dropped off in town.

and spent some me- time. much needed too, i must say.

walked in and out of several shops, just looking, not wanting. somehow i've ceased to see the need for clothes. well, for now. maybe i'm suppressing all the shopping till melbourne. hah.

wandered around wisma, then made my way to borders. weather was nice, all cool and breezy.

went to borders and as always, found more books to add to the ever- growing list of books to get. the reality that i will die not having read all the books i want to read saddens me but hey there's only so much you can do.

took this time to "resettle myself", "resolve the inner kinks", and all that crap, if you believe in that. in truth what i did was just satisfy the hedonist in me. pleasures. pleasure in looking at beautiful clothes, touching fanciful textures, flipping through a new book, reading blurbs on the thoughts of all sorts of writers from all over the world. surround myself with things i like.

and it felt great. i always feel good after spending time with myself. at the risk of sounding highly narcissistic, i must say i enjoy my own company. when in solitude, you see things in your perspective alone and you think what you like without having it clouded by the opinions of your companion. and window- shopping is an activity best done alot. i really don't see the point in torturing anyone else with my mindless fingering of sequins and beads. yeah i have a fetish for all things beaded. sue me.

i can't seem to find the book i want though. beloved by toni morrison. i think some of us might have caught the movie, starring oprah winfrey and thandie newton. the movie was great so i thought i'd give the book a read. unfortunately borders stocked up on many of her other works, but not beloved. hmm. i guess at worst i just get her other works. that's so annoying you know? like how i wanna get more dan rhodes' works but singapore seems to only stock 2 of his writings. of which both i own. sighhhh. if i had the finances i'd buy from amazon.com. really. but till i find the elegible sugar daddy i'd stick with borders and kinokuniya.

ohoh another worthy buy would be milan kundera's laughable loves. and please don't tell me about the unbearable lightness of being. part of being anal- fiza equates to the fact that when a book is highly fussed over, i have high expectations of it, and i mean really extremely very high. so i tend to be disappointed and i end up finishing the book thinking, "err okay. so?" and its really not the author's fault i'm such an annoying prick like that. its just me. so i'd stick to reading books relatively unknown. but by credible authors nonetheless. its less taxing on me that way.

see i have a triple conscience; one goes, "but fiza, this book is CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED!" and the other one goes, "PFFFT. you're gonna be disappointed. and you know it." then i decide not to get it and then after a while my third conscience goes, "sheesh do you HAVE to be so anti- mainstream? would it kill you to read what the general public are reading?" and then i go all defensive and say, "i'm not anti- mainstream! i'm fine with mainstream! i like the mainstream!" then end up feeling pretty schizo.

and this triple conscience is not just limited to book- reading, but applies to many other things as well. like in dreams. sometimes i'd dream that i'm a writer, and my first conscience go, "aaah a dream that you're writing. see this is a so freudian. you dream of the thing you oppress in reality, the fact that you want to be a writer!" then my second conscience (its the cynical one, you'd notice), "oh PLEASE fiza, its just a dream, don't look so deep into it. just enjoy the sleep you're getting, will ya?" and then the third conscience (the righteous one) goes, "would it kill you to just ENJOY a little? DREAM a little? its a dream dammit can't you just be happy? dreams aren't supposed to be real anyway!" and i wake up confused wondering why my brain won't give me a break even while i sleep.

but back to my point on books really, cuz my schizophrenia is none of your business.

another author worth looking into is manju kapur. yes i know fiza is so maplek- ised beyond repair. thing is i actually love reading stories about colonised people, as well as people oppressed by societial expectations i.e. india's caste system, african slavery. there's something very humane in revelling in the eventual triumph of the oppressed. kinda gives you hope that if they can fight for their beliefs against an entire social system, surely you can fight the little devils you face daily?

difficult daughters by manju kapur, basically about a woman who marries an older man, a professor who lives next door and is already married. she moves in as a second wife and he helps her pursue her education. her family, of course, is disapproving. so begins drama. YAY! hahaha. one of her more famous piece though is a married woman. its not so widely- read so i might give it a shot. though owning two manju kapurs' really makes me... aiya. indianized. oh well.

lorrie moore is another writer worth looking into. again, borders stocks most of her work except the one i want the most, self- help. but they have like life, which i might get once i have the cash. which is like, not anytime soon. but i shall persevere. besides the copy they had was kinda tattered. and they only had one copy of each; birds of america, like life, and another one i can't recall. hoo well.

not that most of my readers have been put to sleep i shall reward you still- awake ones with tantalising details of my dinner. hahaha.

went to dahlia at far east for dinner with mum after my precious hours of solitude, where i had black beef rice hotplate. yum yum. i love carrots. cooked, though, not steamed. i still can't bring myself to eat peas in a pod. is that what those green things are? i dunno, i'm not much of a domestic goddess (which is a book btw, and how more sexist can you get?!?!?).

i should get my camera fixed so that you guys can actually see what the hell i am babbling about. soon, soon. school's been the shit lately, no time for much else.

after that we walked around far east for a little window- shopping and i got a new hairband. the old one broke. and cuckoo that i am i have only recently discovered the genius of a product that is the hairband. it is extremely efficient and utilitarian. it keeps all the hair out of my face without having to compromise my curls which is the only thing worth seeing about me. brilliant! the creator of the hairband deserves a cookie. now if only i knew who the hell she was. must be a she though, i will not be able to live down the fact that hairband was created by a man.

(between that paragraph and this next line, about half an hour has passed by. i'm trying to keep things chronological here, so you can see my train of thoughts. i try, i really do.)

i'm still googling "who created the hairband?" hahaha.

well i'd let you know if i find anything interesting. anyway post- dinner and hairband purchase we made our way down to marche after much deliberation. the mum wanted desserts so off we went. she had her bread and butter pudding for the millionth time this month, and i got my CREPES. with mixed berries, custard, vanilla ice- cream and chocolate topping. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. i wasn't kidding about the weight- gain campaign. i take my weight very seriously. CIRRUS.

okay i can't stop laughing. i wikipedia- ed hair accessory and got nothing, ditto for hairband. there was hairs (sic) though, so i thought i'd give it a look. if you wiki search hairs, you get this. PLEASE CLICK AND SEE!

so i scrolled down to see if there's any mention of hairband. there isn't, though there is this...

Headline text
Giant PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS a possible period of bipedal wading in a salt marsh in the Danakil region of Ethiopia, possibly occurring in the hominid lineage between 5 and 7 million years ago...

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

i'm not kidding, go to the site and see. I'M NOT A PERVERT I SWEAR. now i can't stop saying to myself, "GIANT PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS..." ahahahaha. like some bizarre cult chant.

is it just me or do you see the humour in that too? cuz i think that's hilarious la. what does a giant penis got to do with hair man?

okay i can think of some things but let's not go into that. i think this entry is beyond repair. was i always this whacked?

okay i'm a bit tired from laughing and i think i wrote enough about my day. so yeap i went to school, check; me- time, check; dinner, check. oh yea i did an umbrella dance in the lift. you know, like orang silat but with umbrella. or like a lion dance with a lion head, but with an umbrella instead. complete with sound effects.

didn't i do an egyptian dance on tuesday? my my i must be in a very graceful, dancy mood.

okay this entry ends here or i'll never shut up.

good evening, goodnight, and goodbye.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

worth blogging

My blog is worth $5,645.40.
How much is your blog worth?

now if only i can cash in the blog and hence get the money to fly to melbourne.

i hate presentations and i have one tomorrow. give me one good reason why i should be happy?

i have ANOTHER presentation on monday too, this is worst cuz its supposed to be an innovation i came up with but no, that stroke of genius hasn't befallen me as yet.

i just gave myself another good reason not to be happy. har har.

tomorrow the maplek's sister returns from the UK so we're not doing the usual thursday dinner. sigh.

just when i'd gladly have a break too, seeing how i'd probably be damn relieved post- presenting. i'll think of something. TIME TO DATE AROUND MWAHAHAHA.

this sounds like a long list of why i am sad. but of course la.

OHHHHHHHH I KNOW WHY I SHOULD BE HAPPY LIAO.

just now this nice young man came by my place carrying many pieces of paper and he blabbered blabbered blabbered and in the end my mum signed the form and now i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave

CABLE TEEVEE HOOOO WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

ESPN STAR SPORTS HEREEEEEEE I COOOOOOOME.

wah okay. just the thought of it is making me damn high. oh wheeeeeeeeeee. its coming this friday meaning I CAN WATCH SOCCER ON SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wah ok must calm down.

the maplek and me realized we rarely go out on saturday nights cuz of soccer. even when we do he goes home in time to catch the 10 p.m. kick- off. well NOW that won't be a problem anymore cuz i got cable too! heh heh heh. suresh, you have been replaced. *jentik suresh macam semut* hee hee.

ok i think mum's watching tv downstairs. suria, the malay channel. dunno what show. point is, i'm beyond certain that whatever show it is, it is sponsored by BERAS HARMUNI. why? cuz for the past 30 minutes, i've been hearing, "TAUFIK BATISAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

yes, and then cue for black and white montage of malay boy clutching spoon, singing, to fade- out into the old, grown- up taufik clutching a microphone.

skejap- skejap TAUFIK BATISAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! boleh jadi gila.

i'm slipping into the occasional malay due to the approach of hari raya i think. sometimes i slip in front of the maplek and rattle of in malay when i'm too lazy to be more eloquent. "YA ALLAHHHH KAU NI PEKAK BETUL LA!" hahaha.

i need to finish up these slides and prepare for my goddamn presentation tomorrow. anyone ask questions i can't answer i'm gonna shoot them down with a "i'm fasting, don't test me, or you'll go to hell." hahaha.

ok i'm delirious. from exhaustion la. must be.

this little railroad light of mine

i.am.so.sleepy.and.tired.today.

i think i've yawned 2 million times today. along with suresh i think we've beaten the only record (if any) of most yawns from a couple.

and i thought it just meant we're sleepy and tired from such an early start and long treacherous hours in school. noooo...

Yawning is a powerful non-verbal message with several possible meanings, depending on the circumstances:

An indication of tiredness, stress, over-work or boredom.
An action indicating psychological decompression after a state of high alert.
A means of expressing powerful emotions like anger, rejection or apathy.

A yawn can express strong anti-social messages, and so in some cultures people try to mute or mask them by placing a concealing hand over the yawning mouth.

ever- interesting, my life would be, courtesy of Wikipedia. yeah.

powerful non- verbal message. ish.

i told myself i'm gonna do proper work and research for my presentation this thursday. so last night i searched for books and got about 20. of course i cut it all down to like about 10. and finally left the library with just 8.

8 books on film's signifance in history. read the chapters i needed, in all 8 books, returned 3, and came home with 5, all prettily tagged, with nice yellow flags sticking out of it. i've never felt geekier in all my history in nus.

okay in other news, Suresh is a name for human beings of the male gender. Suresh is a word of sanskrit origin (sur means angels or god and eesh means king or ruler).

human beings of the male gender y'all. hahahaha. once again courtesy of wikipedia, which shall always provide me constant and unlimited entertainment. its the best site on my bookmarks, i think.

once i was done with the geeky bit of borrowing 5 thick books on arty farty things, i walked out of the library towards lt11 to do the oppressed- girlfriend thing of waiting for her boyfriend after his lecture ends. actually i sat on a nearby bench, read through more books, further slipping into geek mode...

until two PRCs came and sat in front of me, gleefully wielding warm mushroom and cheese puffs from coffee club and really fragrant coffee. and one even managed to bite into the godforsaken puff with great pomp and flourish (ok i was starving, sleepy, tired and swamped by books, i might be exaggerating), nodding her head furiously to her friend, "HEN HAO HEN HAO (very nice, very nice)!"

i know its damn HAO can. nehneh. so i did the wise thing of closing my eyes... and then for some reason i was floating! really. i was. i felt light and airy and it seems like i was treading on clouds

when BAM razinah nudged my shoulder going, "what you doing here?"

baru nak feeling- feeling.

anyway sat and chat for a bit, turned out we both were doing the oppressed- girls thing of waiting for our friends (ok i'll stop). and then, she simply CRUSHED my world.

hot guy i always notice in suresh's history lecture walked out and i pointed him out, "eh, he's damn hot la." "haha ya hot stuff ah? he's married."

:'( I WANT TO DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. WHYYYYYYYY ARE ALL THE GOOD MEN MARRIED?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok i don't know many. in fact, i only know one hot guy who's married. him. but, HIM! OH WOEEE IS ME.

after a series of disbelieving comments i went, "wah lao. she's damn lucky ah. hot halal sex every night. damn!"

seriously. WHY. now if someone tells me najib is married or GAY, i'm just about ready to put this other leg over the ledge.

oh speaking of whom i saw him today while walking towards AS7 and started fanning myself feverously. the boy who was walking alongside seemingly did not see najib (well of course la he was actually nicely tucked between two dudes, not in a gay way la, just well- hidden), and next thing he saw was fiza gesturing such, with a goldfish face. you know, when you go ooooooh for too long and it looks like the oxygen has been sucked out of your face? yeah.

"what? did you hit your hand?"

aiyo. then i felt so bad la. here i am fanning myself over some hot dude and he's just all concerned. tsk tsk tsk.

but point is, najib is that hot la. to me. but like i said, i don't like smelly things, so if najib turns out smelly it'll really be pretty disappointing.

so anyway summary of all that is; 1 hot, desirable malay guy in this little island is married, not much more left for the masses. i tell you; GO SPG! hahahaha.

had dinner with mum and suresh at dahlia arab street. not bad. dishes were pretty nice. sweet and sour fish and hotplate beancurd. yumyum. suresh asked for fried noodles and got fried rice. he took it anyway la, not before declaring the guy "damn blur". haha.

anyway the waiter is the same dude who served me and kak za last time i was there. and i think he recognized me la, and kept smiling and joking and everytime my mum or suresh asked for something he couldn't like hear it or something, and he would look at me for confirmation. and the whole time i was there he will keep looking over and grinning in this... aiya. i've seen it before la. at wismangan. JENG JENG JENG.

its a waiter thing. i'm not even gonna bother going into it. its there, i know it, i might as well face it. as my mum said, "she's got a way with waiters ah? good la, more free food."

right.

anyway it probably didn't matter that suresh was there, he probably thought he was my brother. speaking of which the maplek carried a backpack today and he looked so kiddy, i felt like a big sister sending her younger brother to school. not like i'm that much bigger than him la.

somehow after dinner all three of us were sleepy and tired. oh prior to that during dinner itself they were playing WARNA! MALAY RADIO STATION! MEANING; HARI RAYA SONGS! i remembered hearing three? and i managed to sing along to all three. at one point i went, "ish where's hafiz ah. should call hafiz and annoy him right now."

despite not understanding what i was singing, suresh came out of the experience pretty much understanding the bizarre concept of fiza and hari raya songs. i can't quite explain it, see it to know it.

i did the egyptian dance in golden landmark.

walked around bugis for awhile but all three of us were just beyond exhausted, so train ride home it was. and i dozed off on the sofa promptly after lying down. so much for csi. i never sleep through csi cuz its not boring. so clearly, i was damn shagged.

class tomorrow morning, but its going to be presentations. shall see how it goes. i ought to go though. might pick up some pointers for my own presentation this thursday. we shall see.

not bad for a tiring day, i got quite abit done. will work on the presentation a lil' more, then the bed doth beckons.

12 weeks and counting

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

these are a few of my favourite things

Favorite colour(s): blue, brown, green, white
Favorite month : SEPTEMBER! yes i am very biased. SONG BOH.
Favorite day: Fridays.
Favorite zodiac: Virgo la of course.
Favorite alphabet: F. oooh more bias!
Favorite number: 7.
Favorite subject: english in sec sch, literature and history in jc. nothing in uni. haha.
Most Favorite planet: pluto!
Most Favorite season: fall. pretty leaves...
Favorite teacher: mr eddie koh!
Most Favorite fruit: mangoes and apples. its a tie la. don't make me choose!
Most Favorite TV channel: if i had cable, it'd be tied between Discovery Channel and ESPN.
Most Favorite time: sleeping time!
Favorite name: the name of the godknowswhen daughter. ;)
Favorite Computer Game: i did like world cup 98. haha. old school lor.
Favorite Tea: raspberry. mmm.
Favorite Country: thailand. sa- bai, sa- bai....
Favorite Songs: whoah. alot la. a few beatles number, some beegees, one or two nirvana's, damien rice and james blunt here and there.
Favorite Singer/band: BEATLES!
Favorite Language: thai... sanuk maak!
Favorite Sport: soccer, no doubts about it.
Favorite Ice cream Flavour: good old chocolate. swensen's frosted chocolate malt is the BALLS!
Favourite Past time: reading. give me a book and a cushion and i'm a happy girl.
Favorite pen: black, inky, light.
Favorite Font: verdana.
Favorite Animal: oooooh i can't decide. elephants, lions, horses. umm.
Favorite Cartoon: tom and jerry!
Favorite Movie: of all- time? ish. pretty woman la.
Favorite Male actor: richard gere. sigh.
Favorite Female Actress: julia roberts. hahaha.
Favorite Books: dan rhodes, michael connelly, vintage war stuff
Favorite brand [shoes]: adidas.
Favorite brand [watch]: i'm currently in LOVE with an armani watch. i want!
Favorite brand [perfume]: JPG! limited ed AND the usual one as well. yum. oooh but on a guy, gimme davidoff anyday. aaaaah.
Favorite Album: from the muddy banks of wishkah; nirvana.
Favorite Radio station: *sings* class ninety- fiiiiiiiive.
Favorite Bar/Cafe: starbucks. sit and read and slack and fall in love. :)
Favorite Drama Series: gilmore girls! is that drama? don't care la.
Favorite hobby: isn't this like past- time? okay i guess not. umm writing?
Favorite house: ah crap that gorgeous rooftop one with full glass windows at LA. GORG- GORG- GORG- EEEEOUS.
Favorite phrase: wah lao.
Favorite Car: the classic beetles VW. yea, no aircon.
Favorite Nickname: fyzul! hahaha. there's something about that cheena slang coming from the dear ones in uni that makes it rather endearing.
Favorite handphone brand: nokia. user- friendly babe. i'm a techno- fiend.
Favorite Flower: baby's breath.
Favorite Food: chocolate. forever and always.
Favorite Drink: coke. goes with everything i tell you. everything! prata, curry, chocolates, chips, popcorn, burgers, rice, desserts, noodles... eh eh. macam tak puasa aku ni.
Favorite Crush: sukumar suresh! dei! hahahaha.
Favourite Friend: favourite ah? cannot ah. wait say one the other one sad or not happy how? all also i like mahhhh.

i'm procrastinating. BACK TO WORK!

Monday, October 24, 2005

oh behave!

i feel like watching some austin powers. you're so hairrry, like aaaaar- nimal!

anyway.

school was well, school. went for the two lectures and managed to clear more lit reviews for my paper. its a mindnumbing process, all this.

met the boy after that and it was dinner at delifrance. not before i gave him his bar of snickers. and ate half of my crunch. yummm.

there's something irrepressibly warped in me, such that when i feel like i've come so close to security, stability and all things dandy, i freak out and try to spoil it for myself. i don't know. its just a self- reflexive reaction, whereby i cannot just sit still and watch everything fall into a comfortable system, let everything be happy and fine. i fear that when things are too smooth, when all is just great, you become complacent. your composure slip and you take things for granted.

and that's why, according to the boy, i keep ding- dong- ing. yes, that's his word for it. ding- dong- ing. on good days, it comes easily to me to just tell him i like him, that i want this, i want to be here. but as he noticed, a few days after these rare professions, i ding- dong my way through a, "hmm maybe i don't like you," or "i don't know why i like you!"

causing incessant panic and worry. then the next day i realize that was just fiza who is incapable of comprehending that the whole point of happiness is that it comes with this ethereal state of being whereby nothing goes wrong. my problem with that is the fact that nothing is wrong. something's wrong when nothing's wrong. you catch my ball?

i must be schizophrenic. really.

but i'm trying. i'm trying to believe that happiness can happen without shit coming as part of the package.

its just that when the going gets too good, you smell something fishy. especially when you're so used to things going wrong, things failing you, things hurting you, etc. when things don't do all that you kinda tilt your head a little and go, "heah?" and tap your finger on your chin suspiciously.

but enough of pessimistic fiza, i think the fiza we all know and love is this happy bumbling idiot who can't shut up and talks incessantly. she's still here, worry not.

no school tomorrow, cuz even date tutorials are O-V- OVER!, to quote janice dickinson (what a name, really) who is really the most animated character i've seen on tv. have you seen her? her lips got a life of its own. she's a MILF i tell you. MILF!

so i will be a the good little undergrad and do my work. *holds halo fervently over head*

speaking of little, i lost weight. and before you girls start throwing things at your screen rest assured i'm not all too pleased myself. i like my jeans to fit, too, thank you, and now they don't. and my clothes are loose. you think a scarecrow feels all too hot? no, they don't. so i'm on a quest to gain weight and it has started with, lo and behold, a chocolate binge.

and hafiz and suresh have MUTANT THUMBS. MUTANT! they're like, huge. terminally huge. hafiz's hands are huge. suresh's hands are enormous. all. this. big. people. whuh.

okay dokay so anyway, did you guys notice its a WEEK away from raya? i didn't! maybe cuz this year's raya is pretty insignificant to me but still. i haven't been listening to malay radio stations at all! you know what that means? it means i haven't been listening to raya songs! nor singing them!

NATIONAL DISASTER CAN.

i read last year's posts during this festive season and i feel... old. haha. i still like hari raya songs but they just... don't have the effect on me anymore. i spent like 30 minutes in geylang that day, just walking around the usual spots then leaving for town. guess that aspect of it all is just... no more la. oh well. we all move on at some point.

or maybe i just have to start baking some cookies and the atmosphere will set in. then again i'd rather finish my deadlines. haaa. life.

every semester, the closer i get to deadlines and exams, the more jaded i become. what can i say, i'm funny that way.

off the top of my head; things to do. powerpoint slides for presentation this thursday, huge- ass home experiment for innovations class next week, smorgasbord of papers due first week of november, then horror of horros, EXAMS.

bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

its very hard to stay positive in the current state i'm in. the emotional and spiritual aspect of life is just dandy but by GOD my academics just SUCK.

at pop culture he showed some racists jokes. the usual, chinese are kiasu, malays are lazy, indians are liars. and sometimes it easy to take offence but i know i am just like each and everyone of them. and its getting easier and easier to laugh at myself lately.

i really need to snap out of this.

an old one

To be the pillow
You lie on
Hold your head gently
Cradle it in the soft cushions
Of down
To be that bed
You lie down on
And gently rock you
To sleep.

And see what you dream
Walk within you
Inside you
See what you think and feel
See what you remember
Watch your dream
Like a silent movie
See
If I’m in it.

Lie beside you
And watch you sleep
Doze off gently
In a world of your own
Be invisible so I know
What you really are
And not what you try
To be when with me.

Pat you to sleep
Whisper in your ears
Make you smile in your dreams
Smile in your sleep
Smile
When with me.
Be with me.

To be with you.
Oh what I would give.

With You, Within You; dated 26th Nov. 04.

out of touch, out of time

never felt so insecure, suddenly i fear i might not good enough. suddenly i don't feel like i am enough, i don't think i make you happy, in fact i think i burden you, and that's the last thing i want to do right now.

i am going through a bit of a, what- is- a- guy- like- you- doing- with- me shtick.

no, not because i think i'm unworthy, but because lately i've been a pain in the ass and there's no stopping that.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

has it only been a week?

it feels like it has been more than just 7 days. achieved so little, but at least i'm well rested. time for an attack on the books from tomorrow onwards. sigh. exams, papers, projects.

sometimes emotions can be more draining than thoughts. i shall stick to mugging, its less tiring than feeling.

nydia and sara; cheapest tickets i can find so far are about $435, excl. taxes and yadayada. so yeah, it'll come to about $500+ too i guess. cool with that?

and no, i swear i can't find any goddamn budget airlines flying to melbourne. perth yes. but even then there's no seats available for the dates we want.

i wish for people who have walked away to never look back and go back to what we left. its done for. over. there really isn't a point romanticising it all, it wasn't as glorious as we make it sound. when things end, its cuz it didn't work. cuz it wasn't good enough.

and i have a newly- acquired affinity for tamil movies. i know, i know. but its damn funny la. there was this one scene, of the many tamil movies i've watched lately, where the woman slapped this dude on his left cheek, and he did a dramatic head- lash, and clutched his right cheek. hahaha. and wah lao, i love it how a guy can have an AXE stuck on his back and still manage to run and catch up with a chugging train cuz his lover is in there. majick i tell you, simply majick.

and no la, dancing around trees and rolling down hills are hindi movies. this is tamil. tamil ones more drama, more blood, more gore. oh more politics too. the police are ALWAYS the bad guys.

okay at the risk of sounding over- maplek- ised, i shall add also that i still love english movies. yesyes.

i miss the boy. 2 days. 48 hours. that warrants missing him, doesn't it? yesyes i think it does.

someone told me that its easy to bitch about me cuz my writings might come off to some as snotty and pretentious. let me do the cheena thing and go, ^_-

that day i talked to the maplek and told him how i imagined my post- grad life to be; sleeping in, baking, cooking, writing, running, swimming, and definitely not in singapore. sometimes when i look at places i want to vacation in i don't just see it as a holiday spot, i picture it as a possible home in future.

ideally i hope to live in new york for a few years. a loft, full glass windows, an orange cat, a hot husband. me and my laptop in the lighter hours, typing away. actually more ideally, i'll be a really angsty woman jabbing away on her typewriter, smoking like a chimney. but i can't do the brooding writer thing, cuz i'm too kental. haha. and um, a typewriter will take yonks.

after a few years of this, hopefully i get sick of the vibrant, metropolitan lifestyle of new york (hah, i wish) and decide to settle somewhere sobre and more conducive for a family (haha if there's such a thing). i'm thinking canada or aussie. yes i know, i dream big.

then again, all this has to wait, while i achieve what all lowly undergrads has to achieve before chasing their dreams. get that degree.

that was a very painful crash back to reality.

this has been my most unproductive week. fortunately, all is not lost yet. i shall attempt at salvaging what's left by doing some readings, the only thing i can bring myself up to doing.

tell me, are all undergrads this jaded or is it just me?

Saturday, October 22, 2005

cost of living

whenever he came too close for comfort, she shut down, closing herself up. like a castle with a moat, her trust was a bridge she let down to only few.

time is simply relative, and an inept gauge for how much he put in, how hard he tried. she had seen him first. the day they came upon the same place for the first time, he was oblivious to her presence, but she saw him, and when she first laid eyes on him she knew she wanted him. everything about him screamed out to her, begging for her attention, and she was desperate to give it.

but then chance had it that he turned his head, and saw her too. it wasn't her big wide eyes, her innocuous features, that intrigued him, but her quiet aura, the static stillness associated only with someone with too much to withhold.

and she withheld, for as long as he knew.

it took him a few years to find her but he did. he asked where she had been for years. she said, "paying my dues." it was all he could get and he was satisfied. he now had the daunting task of winning her heart.

he didn't know he had won it before he had even seen her.

everyday, he talked to her, told her how he felt, showed how he felt, but it fell on indifferent ears, ignorant eyes. yet he simply couldn't give up, cuz he saw it before. when she thought he wasn't looking, he has seen her gaze at him, watch him with the same amount of longing that he has for her. and that was all he needed to keep trying, keep coaxing, till he gets her to admit to herself, that she wants him.

what he didn't know was she knew. she admitted it to herself a long time ago that he was what she have always wanted but never knew. he was the cliche, the overrated 'the one', the outdated knight in shining armour. and she told herself too, that it can never happen. she will never let herself have him.

maybe a small part of him had always knew she didn't want to let him in, but he couldn't give up. he could not stop trying to get the one thing he wanted so fervently. life became a monotone, everyday he speak words, endless words, all sorts of words, to make her understand.

and everyday she had to listen, with open ears and open eyes, but a heart clamped shut. not even with brute force could he have paved his way in. and soon, the few seconds of her hidden longing gaze no longer was enough. soon, the gaze that used to feed his soul started biting him from inside.

six years later. she still had the same eyes, the same innocuous features, still withheld. she fingered the stencilled emboss on the fancy stationery, read, and cried.

a fortnight later she went. she sat and await with bated breathe. and in came bride and groom, flawless, beautiful.

there was no point in going through the rudimentary dinner when that wasn't what she had came for. it was redundant for her to put up false pretenses, to mime an act of eating when she had come with a purpose, and that purpose had to be fulfilled the soonest possible.

dropping all masks, clearing all that laid on her conscience, she made her way. he saw her, as he had seen her the first time. again, she had seen him first.

congratulations.

thank you.

i'm sorry.

what for?

i killed your father. he tried to rape me and i killed him.

i don't understand.

when you saw me, i was bidding sweet farewell. sealing the reality, a final gauze to my wound. you were watching your father's retreat into another realm. you were the son who was robbed of his father. i was the thief.

i'm sorry.

i know. i love you. i've always loved you. and that would be my greatest price to pay.

the price you pay for wanting more is longing. constant longing.

not just anybody

flights to melbourne are gonna be pricey and we're gonna have to slog it a little to get there. but i guess it'll be worth it. why aren't there any budget airlines flying to melbourne? grr.

just a short poll here, now please. should i cut my hair? i'm so tempted. all this hair is beginning to make me feel a bit flustered. but as you can tell, i'm finding it hard to part with so much HAIR and many loved ones are disapproving as well.

plus i'm concerned that short hair will make me look fat cuz i have these newly- acquired chubby cheeks.

pixie cut and curly locks probably won't go too. but see if i don't cut it now, when will i ever have a feel of short hair? i'd want to have long hair at two points of time in my life; graduation and wedding. if i cut now there's time to grow it out by graduation isn't there? uhmmm okay i'm just confusing myself now.

haven't done much on my saturday. will start soon on readings for my 2101 paper. and then work on slides for next week's presentation for time project. i feel a little out- of- form. maybe i'm just hungry.

i need a new book. i have finished all my new books bought a month ago and now i need NEW ONES! i NEED. need. gaaaaaah.

and its not like i don't know what i want. i can easily sashay into borders and pick ten books right now, their rows and shelves memorized over time. but, where is the money gonna come from? hmm hmm hmm?

i shall go bake some bread and butter pudding to snap myself out of this unprecedented crankiness.

or a nap might be good too.

Friday, October 21, 2005

drunken days of youth

today: pleasant surprise in the form of the boy, with the car, at the void deck, asking me out for breakfast. and cuz its the fasting month and i don't want to be seen openly eating at macs, we had two hotcakes meal to go.

had our pancakes, had our laughs. drove about and after a while, we decided to have some coffee at yishun's starbucks.

he had another mocha frap (two days in a row) and i got my vanilla latte. then it was a drive home.

we were headed towards the setting sun, and it was blinding. dark clouds were behind us, hinting at a possible downpour later on.

and that epitomised all i want my youth to be; riding into the sunset, laughing, leaving behind dark clouds without regret.

and this is how i dreamt my youth to be; how i imagined being young ought to be. dressed in the most comfortable cotton pants and sloppiest t- shirt, knowing no one has to see what you're wearing, safe as you are in the confines of the car. and knowing the one next to you couldn't care less if you had pajamas on. hair down, music blaring. easy laughter. funny faces. burping coffee. just a very easy kind of happiness, that's only easy to attain once you've got it the first time round.

alot like cycling. once you know it, you can always have it.

there is nothing to wallow about, nothing to fret over.

just alot to laugh about. smile for. attaching meanings to the most mundane things and letting the corners of your lips tug upwards unabashedly everytime you're reminded of it.

discussing dreams, the most incoherent ones, as if they make all the sense in the world. sharing your ambitions, even the most impossible ones, knowing there is no shame in wanting more. taking stupid pictures, cuz you know you can look silly and not feel ugly and dumb.

a song, a word, a phrase, a tone of voice. anything. you attach to it meanings and let it be known to a very small, secret group.

and that's being young. to be able to have your own language, your own dreams and ideals, to be able to have it all without compromising anything.

i think i am at that point of time in my youth, where i have it all. i look back to my younger days and try to recall what i wanted myself to have when i turn 20, and i think,

i have it all, and much more.

It's so hard to get old without a cause
I don't want to perish like a fleeing horse
Youth's like diamonds in the sun
and diamonds are forever

So many adventures couldn't happen today
So many songs we forgot to play
So many dreams swinging out of the blue
We let them come true

Forever young, I want to be forever young
do you really want to live forever, forever and ever
Forever young, I want to be forever young
do you really want to live forever, forever and ever
Forever Young; Alphaville

Youth is, after all, just a moment, but it is the moment, the spark, that you always carry in your heart.
Raisa M. Gorbachev

Thursday, October 20, 2005

and as for now i'd think about the saddest songs

good day this was. school, project meeting, met sara, altered holiday plans, geylang, town, starbucks, then home.

talked to mum for a bit. we really really might be migrating. i am very excited.

sometimes waiting for karma can be quite exhausting. he's pretty slow on the comin' round bit. oh well.

melbourne in december? shall pray real hard. :)

we all want what we don't have. see what is out reach, believe what is not truth.

i have a nice comforting system going on here.

whee whee whee!

am planning my trip to chiang mai, yay yay!

i was wondering if i should get a hotel with a pool when i realized, hello, it'll be freezing. the cheaper the hotel, the more moolah i have for shopping. and many other things. really hope sha can pull through for this one. we absolutely MUST, NEED, HAVE, to braid our hair again. haha.

and this.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

we absolutely HAVE to go here again, sit in the eden- like garden, sipping mocha and reading dirt- cheap second- hand books.

i still remember the bookshop. rows and rows of books for as long as the eyes can see. and what was the name again? gecko? something like that.

ohoh and cinnamon pancakes! from that absolutely sinful breakfast place. and that gorgeous art shop built into a tree with all the beautiful paintings... and of course more cheapo stuff from the night bazaar. :)) can't wait!

my head is simply spinning from the anticipation. to go have another december of 2004. the best days of my life really, those. have never felt more contented and at ease as i did then. so i shall go back.

*does a happy dance*

BTW i'm going geylang tonight with the maplek, most likely. he is afraid of getting beaten up by malay gangsters there. hahaha. and i told him that it'd be a noble sacrifice, to unify the many malay gangs as they fight for a common cause; um, against him. :D

seeya.

soundtrack to my life

1. In My Life; The Beatles.
this is the very generic soundtrack to my life... for all the things i've seen, people i've met, deeds i've done.

"There are places I’ll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain..."

2. At Last; Diana Krall (with Lou Rawls).
cuz that's how i felt when we finally got together. at last.

"I found a dream that I can speak to
A dream that I could call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
You smiled, and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
And you are mine at last..."

3. Walking Contradiction; Green Day.
i will always be an angsty teenager caught up in her pop- punk days, and as many love to point out, i am a walking contradiction.

4. I Will Survive; Cake.
love the band, especially the vocalist. super sialan voice. besides its true, i will. :) this is a super feel- good song; PLUS it reminds of secondary school talent time and my shortlived band, the nuggets. hehe.

5. The Places You Have Come to Fear The Most; Dashboard Confessional.
cuz i like dashboard's more obscure stuff. accoustic stuff are real good . and isn't it true? deep down we're all fakes, afraid of the very fortress we built around ourselves.

"Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself,
and covered with a perfect shell,
such a charming beautiful exterior.
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes,
perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by,
but you're barely scraping by."

6. Unintended; Muse.
this song very touching. always make me cry. such hollow sorrow. very haunting voice, with even more haunting lyrics.

"You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I’ll always love

I’ll be there as soon as I can
But I’m busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before."

7. Sing for Absolution; Muse.
same haunting quality, even more painful words. good for rainy days and melancholic moments.

"Lips are turning blue
A kiss that can't renew
I only dream of you
My beautiful"

8. Iris; Goo Goo Dolls.
a possible classic from my time. one of the more beautiful love songs i know.

"And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow"

and now i can proudly say i know how that feels.

9. Don't Look Back In Anger; Oasis.
which 90s chick won't have an oasis song in her life soundtrack you tell me? any hits from what's the story morning glory album would do actually. but this strikes a particular chord cuz i really think that we shouldn't live in regrets. if you're happy where you are, its cuz all the good things and bad things happened, taking you where you are now, making you who you are today.

10. In Flowers; James Blunt.
soft melodies, fluffy lyrics. makes you feel like you're floating. and has the aptest words to describe how its like.

"i'm a little child
and i long to be
held in your arms
any fool can see
that i need you
because i know you love me
i just want you to see
the little child
in me"

11. The Man Who Sold The World; Nirvana.
classic babe. tell me you can look at kurt cobain and NOT have an orgasm. this one is super chill out one la. can listen anytime and smile to yourself and stone away.

12. Lithium; Nirvana.
i like this one. one of my favourite fierce nirvana songs.

"I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I killed you - I'm not gonna crack"

yeah yeah. sing it with be baby!

13. Delicate; Damien Rice.
very genteel. kinda feels like a first kiss, you know? soft, comforting, nice.

"We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
I might take you home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate"

15. Mad About You; Hooverphonic.
pretty good band, and this song is pretty apt for all my crushes. haha. cuz i pretty much go mad. and we ALL know how many crushes i've had in my life. yeap, infinite.

16. Hand in My Pocket; Alanis Morissette.
i simply adored her when i was a teenager cuz hello, who don't want to be angsty rocker chick at 13? besides, everything IS gonna be fine, fine, fine.

"What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five"

16 tracks. not bad la. enough for one cd hor?

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

please don't leave your bags or luggage unattended, or the airport police will take it away

ya very fierce hor, this airport annoucement. at one point we left our bags on the seats and looked at a departing plane and the annoucement came on and we simultaneously turned our heads to look at our bags. haha. he said it'll be pretty funny to see a group of 10 policemen with guns and full- suits barging in grabbing our bags when we're mere footsteps away.

yeap, we ended class at 12 today, so we decided to have lunch. where? where? where? ended up, at changi airport. haha. this is why next time YOU have a date, plan it in advance. or else you end travelling to the other end of the island.

but it was fun. we had our books with us, and there's something about aeroplanes taking off that spurs all sorts of lame ideas. but ideas, nonetheless. and boy we had some.

i decided that i wanted to be a pilot. "so that i can drive an aeroplane."

HAHAHA.

so we started imagining fiza driving an aeroplane to school. he said it'll be damn easy to give a lift. i said ya, but drive aeroplane cannot beat red light. and though its an aeroplane, i will still be stuck in traffic jam. abit pointless. i imagined him calling me and asking me where i was, and fiza the pilot says, "on the PIE." this went on. haha. i was torn between cathay pacific and jet star. cuz cathay planes are huge, but jet star asia looked more plausible for our streets. we also imagined if we got chased by the traffic police, we probably won't see it. cuz no rear view mirror and chances are, the traffic cops are beneath us. hoo hoo.

then he spoiled it all by saying i don't even have a driver's licence. harumph.

i got annoyed by something that is seemingly petty only to me but not the rest of the involved parties. i desperately wanted to just bite the bait and just let it all out but as he said, they don't have to know everything. what goes round comes around and if its meant to be found out, they will at their own time.

so i will try to be as patient as he is and not react. in the words of the cheeky girls, "you're not gonna get us!"

(hana: WE ARE THE KUKUBENGS WE ARE THE KUKUBENGS WE ARE THE KUKUBENGS WE ARE THE KUKUBENGS HAHAHAHAHA)

and yes, petty issue concerns deleted post, that sustained the very long and precious existence on the world wide web for a grand total of, erm, 4 hours, max? but somehow people still got wind of it. my my you people are fast! cunning ey. *waves wicked, quavering finger*

as always, i recommend you not read this blog if you don't like me. i don't know about you but what i've learnt is if i don't like someone, i find his/ her blog very annoying irregardless of content. cuz life's like that you know? so what i do is i don't read the blog. quite simple, really.

try la try. results guaranteed. wa caya sama lu.

its been a very rainy day, very nice to sleep in. but like i told the maplek, aeroplanes shouldn't fly cuz very low visibility. hahaha. I WAS BORN TO BE A PILOT LA DEI!

i think its very funny how i can read my book and laugh to myself. abit psychotic. i caught the maplek glancing over a few times when i did that at the airport today. but i can't help it! my book is funny. and i can't explain it to him cuz the passage is only funny given the context. and sharing the passage with him will lead to him not getting it and me having to explain the whole story which i was just too lazy to do. so i was stuck laughing to myself while the maplek took cautious, wary glances from the corner of his eyes. hahaha.

i know i've been very annoying since i got together with the maplek la. cuz everyday i gush about him and blablabla, it gets boring, i know. but isn't that how it is? first few months you gush, after 4 months you fall into a pattern, after 6 months you're an old married couple, after one year you contemplate breaking up.

kidding.

anyway some of my single friends complain i am too mushy on my blog. :( i'm sorry laaaaa. but hey, i enjoyed singlehood! i really did. when you truly know how to appreciate time alone with yourself, time alone with someone special becomes more meaningful. and you learn how to spend time alone with yourself even when you sit side- by- side someone else. things like that. so to all my single friends; sear this in your heart: SINGLEHOOD IS A CHOICE, NOT A STATUS.

you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself. someone else can't love you if YOU don't love you. you can't appreciate someone else's company if you haven't learn to enjoy your own company. once you treasure solitude, couplehood becomes magical.

and i think that's why i am so happy where i am (and that might be why i'm gushing over a boyfriend for the first time in my life). i am allowed to be me, to be on my own, and yet i have the lovely companion of someone who is himself, on his own.

you can be a half, and go hunt for your other half, and two of you will merge to be one whole. and forever and ever you rely on each other, sustained by each other's existence.

or you can be a whole person, and him, a whole person, and you two can come together and create wonderful things as two separate people who sees the world through the same eyes. very beautiful indeed.

and you, i don't know if you still read this but just so you know, i don't care at all for whatever you said today cuz i think we both know your words were baseless, seeing how you didn't even read that post and just heard "stuff". and if you did read it but claim to not have read it, then i don't even see the cause for issue seeing how you can read and what i wrote was pretty straightforward. do you think it was about you? did it cross your mind it might be about someone else? siapa makan cili dia rasa pedas. think about it la ah. but if you think i do not wish for you to be happy, you couldn't be much further from the truth. you really couldn't.

but like i said, we think what we want, because that's what we want, not because that's what others want us to think. it doesn't matter what is the truth, cuz at the end of the day, people will only believe what they want to believe. and most of the time, people want to believe that they're right.

so yes. here i am to appease everyone by saying, yes yes, you are all right and i shall forever be in the wrong, just so you can be right.

i don't really mind being the wrong one la. everything about me is damn wrong anyway. hahaha. but as i told the maplek just now,

"it must feel pretty damn good doesn't it? to always be right. to always be the good guy, the one with the right moves. to always hold the higher ground, even in the face of (apparently) great adversity. to be so righteous, polite, considerate and noble. damn it must feel good."

one day we'll all see the light. then maybe we'd know just how far off we are from the real.

and please ah, i'm not claiming i can see the light hor. i am about as blind as all of you. floundering in the dark, searching for the fastest escape route. i also don't know how far off i am from what's real. so don't annoy me with any accusatory "see she thinks she's better than us! she thinks she's seen the LIGHT!" tag or friendster message.

CUZ THERE IS NO LIGHT. its all very dark here.

as dark as my maplek. HAHAHA.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

after time, i've think it through

angry post deleted after much deliberation. as the boy said, don't give them what they want.

and so i won't. after a while i realized though i'm still disgusted by the open plagiarism, i've decided that its not only unworthy of retaliation, its unworthy of an entire blog post.

as i told the boy, its not because of the previous relation that i'm so riled up, but if anyone at all were to so openly imitate my ideas like that, i'd be pretty pissed. and the fact that the imitation is so obvious angers me further. but now the flames of anger have cease and i can only laugh. here's a big whatever to all that.

had methods tutorial, got PROPER crosstabs AND a comprehensive lit review. whoo hoo! paper on its way, oh yeah.

initial getaway plan for hari raya has been aborted. as such, i shall remain in singapore for the depressing days of hari raya. i would however, leave after my last paper. especially since the boy won't be in singapore and if i stick around this small shores any longer without him i might just go bollocky insane.

so silver lining of it all is: i will try and do visiting as fervently as possible, eat lots of kuihs, get as much money as a university undegrad is entitled to have, save it, and blow it all at chiang mai or phi phi island. i'm still undecided. if i'm financially capable, i'd do both. hah!

post- tutorial was library where i attempted to do my essay. got a few lines. haha. me and dizzie got distracted searching for recipes at cooks.com. yumyum! MEATLOAAAAAAF.

and dizzie said something along the lines of, "eh eh, so poor thing la he. isn't this the first time he attend history lecture alone?"

HAHAHA. yes. didn't crash with the maplek today. and then me and dizzie waited for him outside the lt when his lecture ended. and its like, a weaning process you know? first you sit through it with him, then you sit through half, then you wait for him at the end of the class. hahaha. as i told dizzie, "as if the boy in kindergarten like that."

so once his lecture ended three of us were off. diz dropped us at bishan and we made our way down to plaza singapura for some delifrance.

thank you for the silence. in that moment in time, it was all that i need, and you gave it to me the best way you could. the way only you know how.

talked about school, and i told him what i saw and what i felt. and after i let out all the anger and just let him soothe me, i realized he was right, its not worth it.

we almost succumbed to temptation and got the poseur- kaya toast at plaza but we decided to remain loyal to ya kun. actually the maplek just concluded that the food sucks, cuz the place was rather empty. haha.

had butterfish for dinner. yumyum. its quite good, though the lemon pepper sauce is rather bland. nothing good old chilli sauce couldn't cure. and their steamed baby carrots were so, umm, steamed, that when you bite into it, the juices/ water/ whatever streams down your fork. FREAK- Y. freak carrots. i had one. it tasted like soil. so maplek had the rest. he didn't think it tasted like soil. but he's vegetarian. *shrugs*

finished half the potato gratin and i was quite stuffed. but there was some more steamed vege. peas in a pod i think. i didn't know. it was just... green. so i picked up and held it up. while i was curiously gazing at it, the maplek looked at me, "don't bother. you won't like it. you take one bite and you'll spit it out."

of course fiza disagrees, cuz, well, agreeing would mean agreeing and what's the fun in that?

"fine. go ahead. humour me."

fiza takes a bite, tasted paper, and out comes peas.

aaaaaand the maplek laughs as his prediction is proven right. bahhhhhhh.

there's this "fastcash" machine near the DBS ATMs at plaza singapura, and it works just like the ATM except that it is SOLELY for cash withdrawal. thing is, the machine is goddamn noisy. when it dispensed the boy's cash, it went, TEEEEEET TEEEEEEET TEEEEEEEEEEET damn loudly and the boy went, "wah lao, like end of the world like that, TEEEEEEET TEEEEEEEEEEET."

when we were entering the station, he tapped his student pass, stared confusedly at the screen, stepped back, and just entered through a different gantry. i asked him why...

"i tapped, and the machine said, card failure. then i tapped again, it said, please step back. so i stepped back. then it said please step back please step back please step back so i just entered through the other one la!"

HAHAHAHA.

"like what's up la? that ATM just now also! TEEET TEEEEET so loud! like national emergency like that. want to prosecute me is it? please step back, please step back. then come out laser and shoot me la*fiza, on cue, gestures a laser shot*. DUDE, ALL I WANNA DO IS TAKE THE TRAIN!"

haha i think he is so cute like that. but he doesn't have to know that. hah!

i told him maybe they're suspecting a terrorist attack from india.

"yeah well i don't see a whole bunch of indians stepping back from a gantry."

so angsty! haha.

well, train back home, and discussed the pressing matter of whether or not i should stay up to watch the game.

after much deliberation and laborious thought, we concluded that for someone so cable- deprived, it is only apt for me to watch soccer, even if its at 3.25 a.m. and its not a liverpool game.

and btw, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM LA, TCS 5? HUH??? SHOW SOCCER, THEN DON'T SHOW LIVERPOOL GAMES! HUH?!?! TONIGHT MAN U, TOMORROW CHELSEA. CHELSEA??????!!?! CHEL- friggin- SEA I TELL YOU. GODDAMIT THERE'S A LIVERPOOL GAME TOMORROW LA! WHAT ABOUT SHOWING THAT INSTEAD??!! UEFA CHAMPIONS CAN!

pui.

angst aside today is a good day. i knew that all along though, cuz i started the day by completing one readingb at 1 a.m. and then at class i managed to get finalised crosstabs and literature reviews. so yay.

i'm starting to sing hari raya songs. its very nice to annoy dizzie like that. :D and oh, the radio is starting to play it too! i told dizzie and he won't believe. sure enough while driving, i swapped stations and WALLA, aishah's pulanglah was playing. I ROCK SO MANY BALLS.

i think all this happiness might get to my head and i might burst so i better stop now. pizza and pepsi for the game later, a bit of nap now would do me good.

have a tralalala day!

boing, boing, boing!

i am very excited cuz i just posted my VERY FIRST IVLE FORUM POST. for pop culture. wah lao. first okay. in my entire nus undergrad history. 3 semesters; first forum posting. and i actually read the reading before posting. i feel like such a good student. WHERE'S MY COOKIE!??!

lemme share with you my post. its probably bullshit but the POINT is, i posted something. :D

One of the reasons cited by Leong Wai Teng for middle- class youth culture being not very differentiated from their parent's is that these youths have very little leisure time, as much time is spent at tuitions, enrichment classes, such. Hence, "youth culture (can) not develop."

I disagree however, that these youths lack leisure time. Most middle- class youths have full- time working parents and hence there is that period of time whereby parental authority do not apply. Though some might have maids at home, they clearly do not exert the same authority over these youths. The leisure time availabe in the period without parental authority simultaneously defies her third reason; that the parents "control limits the autonomy... in developing a culture." Much rather, due to the very nature of this 'sneaked- in' leisure time, the culture that develops is more deviant and subversive. And knowing the disapproval, the youths take more effort to keep this cultural aspect of their life hidden from the eyes of their parents. As such, instead of a coherent, single- dimension middle- class youth culture, middle- class youths often have one foot in the 'deviant' and the other in the 'expected'.

However eventually, most middle- class youths succumb to "conformism, conventionalism and conservatism," not necessarily out of ideology or the influence of parent's culture, but out of pragmatism. In that sense, the 'deviant' youth culture they once participated in represents the "carefree irresponsibility" that entails youth culture, and the conforming and compromising of their own ideals represents aging, a departure from "youthfulness... (and) youth culture."

Monday, October 17, 2005

ask, and thou shall be answered

my dear laremy asked;

how does it feel like to be you, Fiza?
dichotomies from the tensions within,
epitomising the struggles of the modern Minah (or so i think).

firstly, i shall take Minah to be an (over)generalised reference to a Malay girl before proceeding with my answer.

~.~

how does it feel like to be me. hmm. most of the time, you feel very blessed, very loved, very happy. you feel the soft kiss of a mum on your cheek every night, the gentle hands of a boy who loves you everyday, and the warm laughter of friends whenever you need it. and sometimes you feel jaded and at loss, no direction to steer towards, constantly searching for a way out of the goddamn ocean. when falling asleep, you feel most restless, recalling all that you could have achieved but didn't cuz you were too lazy to try harder. when you wake you tell yourself today would be different, but before the day is halfway done you know its just the same shit, different day.

how does it feel like to be so divided inside? you will constantly be divided, teetering between overly- liberal beliefs as well as deepseated Islamic values. everyday is an attempt at a balance, somedays you fall wayward, somedays you make it through, just barely. everyday you question yourself- shouldn't you make a stand? shouldn't you just stand for what you truly believe? and everyday the answer is the same; you believe in both, cuz you believe they don't necessarily contradict. but everyday the two dichotomies battle, and you come out more weather- worn than you think. at dawn you wake to pray- seeking His mercy and guidance, three hours later you wake for school, dressed in a short- sleeved top and tight- fitting jeans. you tell yourself one day you will change, but some days you scare yourself wondering; when is that day? what if i don't live to that day? what if then is too late?

how does it feel like to be a "struggling" modern Malay? you constantly feel the need to improvise. self and community. you lament on the state of things, you hope someone will come and make a difference, but that someone can't be you. no, not you, cuz you are too busy (i.e. selfish) and have other issues at hand. more personal issues. the clothes you wear, the language you speak, the way you act; all constantly scrutinized- damned by the liberal for being a tad too traditional, damned by the traditional for being a tad too liberal. how did you club and not drink? how can you pray now and later wear sleeveless tops? how can you contradict yourself a million times and still live with yourself each day? because you can't pretend to dislike how you look. because you can't pretend to want to be covered up. you don't know how to pretend. how to be anything else but YOU. you know one day you will don the tudung, but when you do you want it to be for the right reasons. for the time being though, you will always be the 'other'. the one who can't fit in anywhere in the social fabric.

how does it really feel like, to be me? it feels, just simply, nice. everyday, all sorts may happen in the span of 24 hours but at the end of the day you always have the loving arms of your mum, your friends, and your one special boy. at the end of the day, if you really believe, there's also the arms of Allah, who is Ever Forgiving and Merciful. and everyday despite it all, you will always be able to look back and say, "i wouldn't want to change a thing."

~.~

and that, laremy my dear, is how it feels to be me.

too long

very long monday. nearly killed me. woke up in the morning and cramps were reaching a terrible climax. so i popped two panadol extras and set off for school.

test was okay, presentation was terrible. but i don't really care cuz i really honestly just can't stand this module anymore. am so tempted to quit USP cuz i think my CAP will be much better if i wasn't in it. will give it much thought.

finished the term paper, printed, and submitted. one down, 2 to go. plus one home experiment and one project presentation. bahhhhhhhh.

spent the entire day being cranky. and nausea was a constant company. i desperately wanted to puke but couldn't. so i was constantly burping panadol- smelling air and had that iron taste in my mouth but nope, no puke.

after school maplek and me headed for lot 1 where he had cheese fries while i just sat there looking positively remorseful for my panadols- on- empty- stomach act.

i think by then he was quite worried and he sent me home. and made sure i fell asleep in front of the tv...

only to wake up to walk him to the station. promising to take a nap when i get back. which is er, now.

damn sick. i still wanna puke. but can't. and i have gone without food for almost 24 hours. i am not even hungry.

i hate panadols. i hate panadols. to think i declared my undying love for it earlier this morning in the train to him. cuz it cured my cramps. BUT NOW I WANT TO PUKE!

oh please just let me puke and leave me be in peace.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

ya allah siapa la hamba allah yang tengah buat kuih ni... bau dia ya ampun... batal jugak puasa aku.

bau best. teringin pulak nak buat kuih. kuih makan eh. bukan kuih tu yang kat toilet tu.

tak sah kan kalau fiza tak post lagu raya time bulan poser. amik kau. siap kaler hijau. saper tak paham melayu mintak ampun mintak maaf zahir dan batin. eh. for those who don't understand malay, my deepest apologies.

Berlalulah sudah ramadan sebulan berpuasa
Tiba syawal kita rayakan dengan rasa gembira
Anak muda di rantauan semuanya pulang ke desa
Ibu dan ayah keriangan bersyukur tak terkira

Bertukar senyuman dan salam ziarah-menziarahi
Tutur dan kata yang sopan saling memaafi
Suasana hari raya walau di mana pun jua
Memberikan ketenangan dan mententeramkan jiwa

Kuih dan muih beranika macam
Makanlah jangan hanya di pandang

Ketupat rendang sila nikmati kawan
Penat memasak malam ke pagi

Wajik dan dodol jangan lupakan
Peninggalan nenek zaman berzaman

Asyik bersembang pakcik dan makcik
Hai duit raya lupa nak di beri

Berlalulah sudah ramadan sebulan berpuasa
Tiba syawal kita rayakan dengan rasa gembira
Anak muda di rantauan semuanya pulang ke desa
Ibu dan ayah keriangan bersyukur tak terkira

we bleed

over the month i finished reading two books based in WWII, one an autobiography, another based on a true story.

and when i finished reading the autobiography i was tearing and it was damn embarrassing cuz i was in a bus to school.

railway man by eric lomax, a man tortured by the japanese on the burma- siam railway. and he tells of his path to recovery, whereby he actually met his japanese interrogator who tormented him as a translator while he was a prisoner- of- war. and he wrote,

"If I'd never been able to put a name to the face of one of the men who had harmed me, and never discovered that behind that face there was also a damaged life, the nightmares would always have come from a past without meaning. And I have proved for myself that remembering is not enough, if it simply hardens hate."

it takes great courage to go through and survive war as he has, another to face the demons of the past. such strength in mankind is evidence that we are not weak at all. the strength of humanity far surpasses our expectations of it.

forgiveness. to stop hating. its so hard sometimes. when something hurts you so much you wish never to forgive, you hope to carry the bad deeds with you to your grave, you hope to destine your tormentor to a lifetime of sorrow for putting you through such.

and reading things like that belittles everything else. the minor fights, the little squabbles, the ocassional misunderstandings. and you wonder if humanity gained anything at all, from all the losses of war.

did we learn to not hate? did we learn to forgive? did we learn to compromise? did we learn to speak with softer voices, even when the other is raised?

eric lomax learnt.

"Sometime the hating has to stop."

Saturday, October 15, 2005

every me and every you

met the maplek for dinner. fetched me at yio chu kang and we drove down to bishan for some pasta.

my pasta was very bland. boo. granted it was dinner time and they were pretty busy. but still! inconsistent food quality ain't good for your rep.

post- pasta i suddenly had a ya kun kaya toast and pretzels craving. so we got those.

drove to admiralty and parked at my place. argued in the car about where to eat. we had no ideas.

ended up at the top of the multi- storey carpark, sitting barefooted, stuffing our face with kaya toasts and caramel almond pretzels.

yum and yay.

and seeing how this multi- storey carpark is right behind my home, when mum called from the kitchen i saw her head. so i asked her to look out of her window, then me and the maplek waved. she was so amused that she laughed out loud, for the whole neighbourhood to hear. maplek heard her laugh over the distance, not my phone. so ganas my mum.

anyway its very nice to create memories like that so close to home. now everytime i enter the kitchen i will stand by the window like a silly sap and grin to myself as i look at the spot where we sat. a definite pick- me- up sight. so now when i feel down all i have to do is go to my kitchen. isn't that great?

of course the reverse is true if we split but hey, let's stay positive for now cuz i am absolutely annoyingly happy today.

when i entered the car he declared that it had been a sucky sucky saturday. fight with dad, apparently. being the dutiful girlfriend i see it my responsibility to repair this state of affairs.

when he was home i thanked him for a short but fun dinner. and out of goodwill, i hoped that man u will win the game knowing that will cure the sucky saturday.

maplek: heh i had a good time too. you cheered up my sucky saturday more than you know... wah wigan just beat newcastle. guess newcastle need more latin americans huh.

to which i replied that they should buy kuno becker, the guy who acted as santiago in Goal. cuz he had to learn to play soccer to act in that movie, where he played for newcastle anyway.

read up some more for monday's test, interspersed with some tv time. i hate science, i really do.

but to remain positive i shall remember what a good life i have, science modules notwithstanding.

in the car, this song played. with his hand over mine, this song sounded better.

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever

I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time
Don't Wanna Miss A Thing; Aerosmith

how true.

many stars in the sky tonight, and a very full, bright moon.

very nice saturday this was. :)

and there and then, the night sky was ours

its all been done, ooh hoo hoo

momentary crankiness gone, all is well now.

i think its the result of too many late night mugging and too little food. but after that little blog post i decided that i am not in the right state of mind to be mugging, and both hananess and maplek insisted that i go to bed and i did.

and now i am feeling much much better. sleep is miraculous like that.

so no fotograft, wrong on that count. ;) hahaha. i'm not THAT kind of PMSy person. my pms comprise of massive chocolate cravings, EXTREMELY painful cramps, and worst case senarios, gastric flu and therefore, puking.

cranky pms days of secondary school is looooooong gone. but poor hadi. haha. he went through so much of those.

i am determined to be productive today. and for that i need to find some time to drop by the library cuz we need the micro film of that berita harian article for pop cult paper. but not now, its too hot.

gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight

i love that song. old songs rocks balls.

that's possibly grammatically incorrect but hooooooo well.

now i'm on ABBA binge! wheeeeeeeeee. take a chance take a chance take a ch- chance...

if you're all aloneeee and all the pretty birds are goneeee, honey i'm still freee, take a chance on meee

ish best best.

i realized few nights back i haven't wrote poetry in quite a long time. i used to write them pretty often, whenever i was bored or inspired. but lately its more prose. and even those were rare to come by. and the occassional songs. oh speaking of which, the band is back. they texted me and now they wanna jam again. hmm. itchy backside. maybe they decided they want a female vocalist after all. whatever it is, we'll see. jam starts after fasting month. of course.

the maplek and me are still wondering what to do when his ex returns from aussie next sem. she was on exchange this sem, and that was when we got together. problem is she's also in nus AND usp; this godforsaken programme we're in (which i should be thankful for cuz that's how i met him la but nvm). so there's high chances of bumping into her and given the amount of gossipers in usp, it might not take long for her to just ask and be told, "oh they're together." cuz though we don't hold hands and all that bull in school, we do hang out together. alot. so ummm. yes. food for thought.

i was telling him he should get back together with her. HAR HAR. i mean, if it'll help at all. hahaha. ok never mind, bad joke. so anyway yes we don't think there's a need to tell her since it was over anyway. but then fiza being fiza, i thought, "but if she find out from other people like not nice liddat." i'm such a pussy like that.

so that is still something we are thinking over... and he thinks its very funny that one sem after HIS ex returns, MY ex will entering NUS. the maplek got a super warped sense of humour la can. but i told him that won't be a problem, seeing how we hardly talk. and then we speculated that it'd be damn funny if my ex hooked up with his ex. hahahaha. ok ya we talk nonsense la.

yesterday zarina mentioned geylang bazaar and how the clothes were no longer as nice. and i said, "haha! i don't care cuz this year don't need to buy matching- matching things! save money! haha!" hahaha. then i said, "maybe i can make him wear the baju melayu and i wear the sari. then we talk mandarin when we walk. haha!"

i still miss the maplek. what is this nonsense?! i never recalled missing any of my exes in all the years i were with them. sometimes i'd go to like tioman and malaysia and zaman no auto- roam, so i wouldn't hear from them for days or weeks and i didn't give two shits. this one... aiyo. one day only can. terrible.

i always feel like the time spent with him is just like, ONE minute too short. one day i was so desperate to prolong our time together that we walked from yio chu kang (where i should have board my train) to ang mo kio holding hands. and then he asked, "you want until bishan?" hahaha. idiot.

this is sad. what's going on? i feel very confused la, all this weird things going on in me. this boy makes me very girly and pathetic. i don't like.

oh but i told him that he should start befriending the ex now, since they were kinda friends before. besides there's no bitter feelings (ok maybe not much), so no harm in that. and i think he was quite surprised how i was very supportive of it la, asking how's it going, is she responding, etc. she did send him a birthday card, so i think its all good. :)

sometimes exes makes the best of friends. like hadi. no he's not my BEST friend, but he is a very genuine friend. the kind of friend who has been through ALOT with you, knows all your bad stuff, and still stick around cuz that's what friends do. and i hope he feels the same about me. he did told me stories about ns the moment he was out of camp. that was nice. and funny. haha. my old crush and him are in the same bunk and this crush happens to have an annoying mickey mouse voice... so yea. go figure.

some exes WERE the best of friends. like imran. and even when he came back, it just couldn't sort itself out. we tried. but hey, we can always be in touch. i can hardly forget us wailing hari raya songs at the top of our lungs in june, singing christmas songs at recess, laughing at 6 a.m. in trains to school... :)

some exes, the only way to get over them is to get rid of them permanently. some exes, the only way to move on collectively is to cut contact. some exes, the best thing IS to stop being friends. some exes were too annoying to be kept as friends. hahaha.

(cue for dizzie to recall laughing over misspelt text messages in burger king far east. hehehe.)

and some boys, should never be made an ex. :))

i just realized anyway, that we're getting too old for the play- school relationships of secondary school. and the funniest thing about play- school relationships are that those are the ones who had the most ideal dreams. marriage, kids, the works. so young and so naive. as you get older you become more negative. or the people you're with makes you negative.

and then you get to another turning point where you're not so negative, but not half as idealistic. again, depends on who you're with. i guess you become practical. from where i stand, i'm too old for another 3 months- 1 year kinda relationship, and some of my primary schoolmates are married, some have kids, some have careers. already.

so in all of pragmatism; a few years from now a job is on the cards, hopefully my own apartment, and possibly, a guy to marry.

and if what i have now has to last longer than a year cuz really, we're too bloody old for those short silly insignificant flings (besides, a fling is supposed to be more, umm, advantageous- sex, partying, money, etc) and in about 5 years time i want to know who i am possibly marrying, where does that leave us?

yes, that leaves me with about 1 more option of a new boyfriend. either this one lasts years and years, or we split at some point of time, and i get one more new guy and that's it.

quite fast hor. hmm ya. i think so too.

ok so all this is making me feel even older. so i should shut up. tomorrow i should speak of migration plans.

yesyes. i wanna migrate. byebye singapore. :D i can only be too glad to leave, this place is getting too small, everyone knows everyone and bumps into everyone and ughhh that's just suffocating for me. give me a world of strangers, why don't you.

so yes, read between the lines, and you'd kinda figure out my plans for the future. hah.

i miss the maplek. and its making me cranky.

that and sleepy eyes and tired mind. and the history of electricity and magnetism. i hate science. for the thousandth time today.

good night.

Friday, October 14, 2005

gotta be gotta be, a superstaaaaar

stupid song is stuck in my head.

all the people talk about, eee- yo, e- yo, e- yo

had dinner with kak zarina. lotsa laughs, as usual. glad to meet you! missed you la.

talked about our exes and our current boys. and it seems like they are similar! her ex is like mine and my current is like hers. bizzario.

we theorized that it must be a natural transition to move from Type Ex into Type Current. and that Type Ex must have been reading the same book. i concluded that that book ought to be burnt before it cause further damage.

boys with low self- esteem are very unappealing and makes the people around them depressive as well. it is a true, to succeed in life, you ought to surround yourself with positive people.

sat and chatted about our lives, and it seems like we've moved on so far and so much. when she first met me, i was a mopey sad girl hung up over her bisexual ex who MIA- ed on her. she was still a student in poly, attached in a very long- term relationship.

years on, i've been with the belo boy, left, got into nus and she's left her long- term relationship and started a career. and so the on and so forth. time flies.

here's to more years. :)

anyway to prove his point hat he is very disgusting, this is the FIRST thing dizzie showed me when i logged on to msn.

Nasal sex
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

The nose has a function in the sex life of some people. As a probe it can be inserted into the vagina, the anus, the navel, the mouth, the ear, the nostril or even the mouth of the urethra of a partner. It possesses nostrils and can itself be probed by the tongue, the penis, the clitoris, the nose, or an artificial probe. The nose secretes mucus and this can be a function of erotic play. Nose-picking fetish pornography (apeks and ah bengs! you have a potential career already! all that nose- digging! will! get! you! fame!) is rare but can be obtained. Runny nose fetishes are also catered for.
As with any contact involving exchange of bodily fluids, nasal sex may pass diseases from person to person. As with many sexual fetishes, most people find this fetish distasteful and even incredible.
Another aspect of nasal sexuality is the enjoyment of nasal deformation. This can manifest itself as use of nose hooks and other nose manipulation in BDSM, and in pornographic manipulation of pictures of beautiful women.

THANK YOU DEAR HAFIZ. THANK YOU. GAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

this is his way of proving that there is such a thing as nose- fucking, which we discussed some time back over lunch. abegabegabega.

and OH JOY. there is an APTLY named website, Pinnochia, for nose fetishists who enjoy producing and looking at pictures of beautiful women manipulated to give them the appearance of having deformed noses.

GROSS LA HAFIZ, OKAY? GROSS.

anyway. test on monday plus term paper deadline. stress stress. yay!

need to go woodlands library tomorrow? who want to follow? angkat tangan!

by the way i ate the fried rice at dahlia's, arab street branch. quite bland. but me and the maplek are headed there next week cuz they have a vegetarian menu, extremely rare for a malay restaurant.

halal restaurants serving vegetarian food is surprisingly hard to come by. makes dining possibilities reaaaally limited for us. which is why i got so excited when i saw Vegetarian Food in the menu. hahaha.

dizzie is telling me right now that people take 15- 20 minutes to shit. HELLO. BERAK BATU APE.

i think its damn gross la, people who carry newspaper or books or magazines into the toilet when they shit. like oi, you are SHITTING can. go in, shit, come out. don't sit there, read about latest split/ hook- up in Tinseltown, then oooh and aaah then shit then come out la. SO WRONG.

enough shit talk. i have some nose- fucking to do.

kidding.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

the best boy in the world

dinner plans were changed at the last minute and i just told him. expecting him to suggest getting food from outside and eating it at home. which was what i had planned anyway.

the sweetness of it all called right after his class ended, suggested dinner, and now we have dinner plans. and he has to be home early to help his dad. yet. he is here.

oh no, i think i'm in love with you
oh no, i'm hoping you want me to
so please don't let me down
I Think I'm In Love; Mocca

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

you are a very special boy.

what else explains flutters in my tummy and silly grins and laughs to myself when i receive a message from you?

what else explains why after all this time i still wait expectantly for your message each morning, knowing you won't fail me?

what else explains how i can see you everyday without getting bored or fearing that you'd get bored of me?

what else explains how we can sit side- by- side in silence and yet have a million- word- a- minute conversation?

only you can hold my hand and make me laugh by saying incoherent things.

only we can spend the whole day laughing our heads off saying nasty things about england's chances in germany next year.

only you can text me a good morning my dear followed by are you awake yet (at 3 p.m.) and i heard there were lots of goals in the match so i'm sure it was worth staying up for.

you know me so well. you say the very things i want you to say without having me ask you to. thank you.

you never let me feel sad, never allow me to sink into self- pity, you never let me feel like i don't have it all.

you just be here, and i am happy, i can't feel sorry for myself and i know i have it all.

you make it all so good i don't know what to do without you.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com<span style=

Image hosted by Photobucket.com<span style=

i think i love you.

and p.s.: the mum reads the blog, but he doesn't. unless i tell him to. which i won't for this entry. haha.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

GOAL!

watched it with the maplek just now. good good movie! go watch it! for the non- football loving girls (SHAME ON YOU!), there's enough eye candy to keep you awake throughout. for the non- football- loving males (are you gay?), there's enough boobs there too. but oh wait, if you don't like soccer, what are the chances you'd like boobs? oooooooh, barracuda!

anyway.

i wasn't late this time but it rained so i was delayed by natural circumstances and that don't count. :D oh and i wore my new white pants from topshop! irrelevant but we gotta learn to be spontaneous and random somestimes.

i think i left my phone in the living room downstairs. aaaaaaargh.

after the movie sat and slacked at the usual spot. played hangman. i rock! i am officially the hangman champion. i even chose an easy theme; movies, which he should be better at. the only one he stumped me with was roadtrip and even that was because its some obscure movie shown on cable only. harumph.

oh ok my phone is here. pfft.

i got 1x radio demo due this friday, 1x test next monday, 1x pop cult term project due next monday. stress stress stress. i got white hair. boo.

i got people to interview for medic soci paper and i still need to do further crosstabs for soci methods. crappoos.

i haaaaaaaaate schoolwoooooooooooork. bahhhhh.

my first paper and second paper are 10 days apart. what a bitch. and the boyfriend leaves on the day of my second paper for the fairer shores of down under.

ok fast spiralling into cranky mode.

maybe if i get some mugging done tonight i won't feel so crappy. hmm.

anyway after brilliant movie and slack session we went for dinner at pastamania. baked pasta, mmm.

then it was off to borders to get some stuff. all these books on travelling are on sale and its so annoying when you want to leave the country but can't due to an slew of ridiculous and unimportant things. umm, like school.

we came up with a new language while attempting to pronounce wheelock place differently. we came up with about 5 variations. we are an extremely bizzarre couple. we also happen to enjoy making fart noises consequently, as though we're conversing through fart noises. wait, we do converse through fart noises. so yea. its just disturbing for the public, and i can understand why. my deepest and sincerest apologies, really.

i think since i've got no school tomorrow i shall stay up till pre- dawn to mug. OHOHOH AND THEY'RE SHOWING SOCCER ON 5 TODAY! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

sorry. its rare that channel 5 shows live soccer matches see. oh sorrow is the life of me, the cable- less soul.

hmm so yes 2 perfect excuses to stay up. whee oh whee oh i'm cheered up already! i am so easy to please. pui.

tomorrow is the mum's birthday. she turns 45! goooooooooo mum! (by the way, did you know my mum reads my blog?)

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

here's to the woman who is a mother, a wife, a widow, a career woman and most importantly, a friend.

you are everything great in me. you made me who i am today, life as i knew it began with you, from you. and life as i know it has been nothing but kind, lovely, joyful and warm.

you taught me humility, kindness, determination, faith. you showed me what unconditional love is. i learnt how to love from you, but i have yet to be able to deliver it with such finesse as you do.

life has been anything but kind to you. you lost so much in such a short period of time. and to have to go on living in the face of such losses takes so much more. yet you do it. first an orphan, then a widow. you took it all in, which i doubt i'd ever be able to.

your strength gives me strength. your faith renews mine. your love humbles me.

i could never give back to you all you've given to me. i could never be to you all you've been to me.

mak, God test us in all sorts of ways. time and time again, he throws us a challenge. we never think we're strong enough to fight but we are. i've got you and you've got me. God would never throw us something we cannot handle. time and time again we fall together, but we've always rose together too. we can still do it, we will always be able to do it. there's nothing we can't survive, and i want you to know i am with you every step of the way, no matter the decision. you are my mother and i will always love and respect you as a mother, a woman and a friend.

the words i have are inadequate. i cannot articulate to you how much you mean to me. it is beyond my capacity to explain to you how i desperately thankful i am to you for all that you've done, for all that you are. eyes may brim but even a teardrop is a scant portrayal of all that i feel.

you are, above all, the only one i can't live without. you brought me to life, you taught me life, you showed me life, you gave me life. and now you are all i have that means anything at all in this world.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

fi sayang mak.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

my feet stinks

hey hey hey last day of the week horrrr. no school till next week, whee oh whee!

started off quite traumatically though. after the pre- dawn meal and prayers, went back to sleep, alarm went off at 12, decided 5 more minutes of snoozing won't kill anyone, next thing i know, the maplek had messaged me, "are you awake?"

such a wise guess, but the poor thing, waiting for me from 1 at the station. i woke up at 1.18, panicked, did a frantic mental scan on what i have to do/ bring/ wear/ etc, and showered, changed, packed my bag closed my windows and left the house in record time.

the maplek and me shared a cab down to school. phew. so stress. and he was very quiet in the cab. he hates being late. luckily for me, we arrived on school grounds 15 minute ahead of time. in a lame attempt at conversation in the cab, i talked about talking feet. ?????? yeah i know. scared fiza is lame fiza. yes i damn scared of my boyfriend okay. hahaha. if i do something wrong i immediately apologize. though he never chides me, much less scold. but ya. i just don't want to offend him. or upset him. or anything la! anyway, out of point.

so got to class in time for medic soci. had a final sighting of najib. why final? cuz today is last day for odd week tutorial. so i probably won't bump into him on tuesdays anymore. sobbbb.

a stroke of brilliance descended upon me halfway through medic soci paper and i came up with my term paper topic right there! but now i need to do a lit review and i'm still trying and um, by the looks of it, nada. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

okay anyway then i crashed maplek's lecture again. we figured out that the albino funky dude who sits right up front at the DESK and says weird things at weird times is lee hsien loong's son. cuz maplek said he knows one of his sons is albino, and i know one of them is in nus. maplek also told me that funky albino dude has two body guards waiting for him outside class. wahwahwahseh. and at the risk of having these guards on me, i whispered to the maplek, "i just hope to god he's not our next prime minister." :P

during lecture i further elaborated on my idea for medic soci and realized that i'm gearing more towards qualitative rather than quantitative research. so i asked dizzie what is the maximum amount of respondents for in- depth interviews.

"maximum is dua juta, empat ratus ribu tiga puluh tiga ribu sembilan ribu empat ratus dua puluh orang."

HAHAHA. just typing that now is making me laugh, so imagine my MIRTH upon reading it the first time in the middle of lecture. cannot stop laughing can!!!!!!!!! firstly its so damn sarcastic secondly its in malay and thirdly its lousy malay- maths. or whatever you call it. that is not even numerically logical la! wah lao. unlimited say la. still want to be so boh liao.

lemme see. literally, that meant- two million, four hundred thousand (?) thirty three thousand (again) nine thousand (AGAIN) four hundred and twenty people. RUBBISH LOR.

DIZZIE IF YOU SEE THIS: THAT'S UTTER RUBBISH!

ok then i went off to meet mum at bugis for dinner at ambrosia. service and food quality not as good today. something wrong with the cook la. bread and butter pudding wasn't as yummy. and we had the steak, which isn't so wow. we prefer the dory.

wandered around bugis for awhile then mum had to go off to fetch dad. so i stayed on for some lone time and what else, shopping. :))

got new pants! whee! at topshop. sale item, my size. now THAT'S evidence that there's a God.

wandered around... flicking through clothes at bysi, fox, dorothy perkins, trying on shoes at x:odus, taking a piss at the toilet, then... train back home.

now i am still attempting to come up with SOME lit review or else i have to change my topic, AGAIN. the whole institution is against me. NOTHING i want is available! whyyyy nus whyyyyyy. why are you so vicious.

anyway on my walk back i saw something wet and stringy on the pavement. upon closer look i realized it was a SQUISHED WORM.

and after making a reflexive aiyeeee face, i felt sad. i mean, come on, the worm got SQUISHED. that is sad. i'm sure the worm felt sad. so too are its family members. i mean its one thing to be eaten by a fish, but SQUISHED? man. that's tough.

it was a pretty long worm too. sigh. it must have had such a good, long life.

Monday, October 10, 2005

finger- lickin' good

three guesses what i had for dinner. guess guess guess.

i had a horrible, horrible night last night. i could hardly doze off. and bitch of it all was that i was so physically exhausted but no, i just couldn't sleep. kept tossing and turning, untying and retying my hair, woke up to eat and pray, tried again, put on blanket, take off blanket, change pants, change top, wash feet, tie and retie hair and finally when the sky was already light, i dozed off. my last thoughts before losing consciousness was: I NEED TO CHOP THIS LOCKS OFF.

seriously all this HAIR is getting in the way of like, my life. its long and curly and on sucky days like last night, i feel like it is crowding my head over. gahhhh. DIEEE YOU HAIRRRRR DIEEEE.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

its a love- hate thing.

anyway i got to school in time for the 12 o' clock lecture. it was GHANA! muaaaaaaaah wo ai ni oh ghana! haha. he is a hilarious indian man. i think i'm developing an affinity for the males of south asia. you think?

so it was that lecture. and cuz this week's pop cult lecture is simply a movie screening and a discussion with royston tan (i know, brilliant man but heyyy we got things to do), me and dizzie decided to skip it and start working on our pop cult paper instead. i think that's pretty fair la, skip pop cult to do pop cult. i'm all about justified truancy y'all!

got to photocopy the journal we needed and also managed to churn out a decent introduction. managed a skeletal outline on the next few sections and also settled on the survey questions. we got concepts down pat, now to elaborate.

ohohoh the article we got is pretty interesting... "growing up malay in singapore." and to summarise it i would say its malay- bashing. sadly though, this ang moh writer was a sociologist and much of the bashing came from quotes by SINGAPOREAN MALAYS. so sad.

i can't remember word- for- word... but some were really demeaning but then again, rang true. about being lazy, being want of ambition, such.

the dude, joseph stimpfl said, "being malay in singapore is a compromise." now that's a thought for us all.

he also mentioned how malays "reaffirm their ethnic identity through resistance (of perceived Chineseness in Singapore's culture)."

several malay students were interviewed, and those of the Normal stream usually referred to school as an institution for "pleasurable social interactions" more so than learning.

most disturbing quote was from a malay Normal stream student who said something along the lines of...

"malays don't like to think... we don't like confusion... this will affect the balance... malays don't like to think too hard."

and i wonder, what balance?

so while trying to think of an introduction for the paper, dizzie came up with this...

"malays are lazy... and we are malays... so here's our term paper... thanks!"

after much laughter i added on...

"we can't think too hard because this will affect the balance. we don't know what this balance is, because that will require thinking too hard."

of course we came up with a better introduction after that. what's interesting is while i took a more defensive stance after reading the article, dizzie was more unaffected, saying that "we might as well face the reality anyway."

and while i agree that to solve a problem you must first admit a problem, i think to continuously criticize malays for all and sundry and YET do nothing about is is just as bad as denying that there is a serious social problem among malays.

another interesting quote from an Express malay student. "malays like to disturb people in class. it is not nice to ignore a malay... when doing work... its not nice to do things differently from your friends."

truth be told thinking of the issue of malays in singapore feels like an endless cyclical goose chase, seeing how we go on and on about the presence of such issues, sometimes discovering more and newer issues, but no one's capable or wants to do anything about it.

so i'll put a lid to that.

so we got our work done and all that, then i was off with the maplek. plan was dinner in town, but since we left school pretty early we decided to rest a bit at fort canning park, to read, chat, and just enjoy the breeze.

many laughs and many tender moments. macam KFC advertisement hor.

anyway we decided that lido (initial option) was too far, and settled on plaza singapura. cuz fiza got a KFC craving! 2 piece chicken meal, original recipe please. :))

the maplek had his cheese fries and after finishing his fries he finished up the melted cheese too. pathologically ~~flawed~~ kooky i tell you, this one.

took the train back and watched some tv. mum's watching incredible tales alone downstairs and i refuse to join her cuz it will only scare me silly.

halfway through dinner the maplek told me, "eh, your week is ending soon!" "umm ya, tomorrow's my last day. and its just one tutorial."

yeahyeah i rock. oh and today is the start of our 10th week together! time flies doesn't it.

i decided that it was too confusing to count by both weeks and date. and by date its all weird. so i figured weeks is easier. but he said that will be a problem after a while, given our combined forgetfulness. so i said we count to 10 weeks then we start over. so we count it in 10s. even then we might face problems. and he said this will be a great predicament the longer we stay together.

"hmm ya. so maybe we shouldn't stay together too long."
"hahahaha ya for practical purposes huh? fiza, the ever pragmatic one." :D

anyway we figured we'd just keep saying we've been together for 10 weeks if anyone asks. kinda solves the problem. thing is we started when school started, so 9th week of school = 9th week of us. unforetunately we had that midterm break, so its 9 + 1. but then semester break comes and we have more issues. but we'll leave it at that.

i hope for a heavy downpour tomorrow. this sweltering heat is killing me.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

everything everything everything

normal sunday it was, tuition, home, nap, break fast, some tv, now here.

off from kak za's. :)

The Alphabet Thing

A is for age: twenteen!

B is for booze of choice: does root beer count?

C is for career: hopefully an author.

D is for your dad's name: Mohd Zali

E is for essential items to bring to a party: a party? er. cash and phone?

F is for favourite song at the moment: at last by diana krall. very feeling- feeling la.

G is for favourite game: snakes and ladder!

H is for home town: always changing. i'd just say singapore. even then i'm not sticking around. heh.

I is for instruments you play: a bit of drums. and er, that's it.

J is for jam or jelly you like: can i say nutella? or peanut butter with chocolate? goober rocks.

K is for kids: i want 8 kids and a cardiac arrest with husband. to go please.

L is for living arrangements: living with the mum. and looks like it will be the case for a long time to come. :D

M is for mom's name: norhezan binte ramli.

N is for name of your crush: sukumar suresh. HOO HOO HOO.

O is for overnight hospital stays: none whatsoever. healthy person yesiam.

P is for phobias: majorly claustrophobic. i hate tunnels, underpass, etc. crowds.

Q is for quotes you like: Life is like a jamban/ toiletbowl. my own. well, its damn true anyway.

R is for relationship that lasted the longest: hmm. 2 years?

S is for sitcoms: felicity, gilmore girls, good morning miami, ally mcbeal (aku sungguh old school i know).

T is for time you wake up: well on a free day, 12ish. :D

U is for underwear: funny ones. with silly phrases like, "let's play!" or "love is... deep" or "fill me up". yeap.

V is for vegetables you love: lettuce. is carrot a vegetable? and um, kangkong. yeah. oh i like chup chye. that has cabbage. i'm not such a vege fiend la. just no tomatoes taugey in my food. and i'm happy. OH I DON'T LIKE KAILAN!

W is for weekend plans: sleep in. shopping if necessary (and it always is). read a book. mug a bit. yeah. avoid town- cuz it'll be crowds galore.

X is for x-rays you've had: three or four. one for uni entrance, one for the pinky, one for wisdom teeth, one when i was a kid... for liver? lungs? kidney? who knows.

Y is for yummy food you make: fried rice! or brownies. hmm. prawn salad!

Z is for zodiac sign: virginal virgoan i am. :)

Whats in the bag today

(its a sunday so no bag so i'm using thursday's schoolbag)

1. time/ innovations notebook
2. pencil case
3. crosstabulation results for soci
4. time notes
5. blue butterpalat purse
6. blusher
7. mascara
8. lip gloss
9. kurma/ dates
10. eyeliner
11. organizer
12. randomities notebook

aaaah there you have it. ok here's one more.

seven things that will scare me

crowds
enclosed space (my greatest fear in an underpass is what if the ends collapse and you're just stuck there with no exit ohmygod ohmygod)
losing my limbs
having nothing to do
big people
losing my mum
being drunk (cuz i think i will do many stupid stuff and my mum will disown me, ya)

seven things i like the most

chocolates
friends
laughter
books
sunrise
beach
sleeping

seven most important things in my room

my bed
my laptop
my phone
my digicam
picture of me and dad
my trophies
my books

seven random facts about me

i hate taugeys and tomatoes
i recently acquired a taste for carrots
i can't stand smelly things; my nose is seemingly highly sensitive
i am genuinely afraid of big people, especially big and fierce- looking people; i think they can squash me in a jiffy and that scares me silly
i don't smoke, don't drink and i've clubbed 5 times in my life
i like making funny cards for my loved ones
i can't dribble a soccer ball for nuts; i tend to step over the ball and fall flat on my butt

seven things i can do

talk. alot.
bake/ cook
sing
dance
read like a whore
enjoy comfortable silences
do anything on my own

seven things i can't do

sit/stand still
wear foundation
do maths
speak proper malay
say i love/ miss/ like/ want you
keep my room clean for more than a month
be ahead of deadlines

seven words/ phrases i say the most

eh!
oi!
whaaaaaaaaaat...
whyyyyyyyyyy?
HUMPH!
nehneh la!
wah lao

seven celebrity crushes

julia roberts
jude law (lemme be your nanny please please please)
johnny depp
jake gyllenhaal
angelina jolie
sandra bullock
richard gere

ok finish. now i go talk to maplek okay? tomorrow got school. tomorrow is new week, hopefully tomorrow also is a a good week like this week.

have a good one, y'all.

i'm much happier now where i am

the maplek got his swatch from raffles then we bummed around till i met nazreen at 6ish. bumped into kak za, who recognized him before me. well probably cuz his head is visible over the crowd, as opposed to well, mine.

she saw him and then looked for me. so i said if she had seen him then he was holding another girl's hands he'd be in trouble. hoo hoo.

naz came along and the maplek left. and the first thing she said was, "why la why. why does he look like hafiz?"

i almost had a heart attack and peed in my panties. like what in the blue world was she on about?

then she explained... "no la its not like he looks like hafiz la but you know just that look la. the good boy, young boy look. like tweety bird."

EH PLEASE HOR. my maplek not tweety bird. maybe its the nose.

but anyway yes we walked on and went to magic wok for dinner. thai belachan style fried rice, yum! and yu tiao sotong. mmmmm.

yakked and yakked like there's no tomorrow. spilled guts, spilled tales. i hate meeting naz cuz she always throw this big shit in my face. like who is sleeping with who. like, don't tell me can!?!?! i am so disturbed now la. tell me these things when i'm not in a weak state, i.e. non- ramadhan months.

now whenever i see so and so i will know what she did last summer. or last something la. i know WHO got her laid. LIKE DAMN WRONG LA. cannot. and this dude she told me of, is well, someone we know la, and he used to be a friend till things got all weird. and now all the bad stuff on him is pouring out cuz all his friends are playing him out. well karma, i say.

so this dude sleeps around like majorly, impregnates girls like there's no tomorrow, then slept with this girl i kinda know and said that she had a hairy back.

and that is so, so, so, wrong. she used to be ahh, okay, G. schoolmate. arts fac. whatever.

now she's G. schoolmate. arts fac. whatever. hairy back. :S

on a more serious note, i think we should crack down on bastards already. they're everywhere!

walked to esplanade and had to cut through the open space in the underpass where apparently, on weekends, it becomes a GHETTO. i'm serious. we went down the escalator and were affronted by like, dancing people, skateboarding people, half- naked people, jiggling minahs skanking to dangdut or something... LIKE HELLO! what is going on?!?!?! my eyes were really widened and almost popped right out. nothing can explain the disturbance i felt at that point of time. such a strange encounter.

i mean i know that void space is used occassionally by youths to like, do their shit and stuff but SERIOUSLY. tonight, it was the GHETTOS.

walked through the throng (and i MEAN throng, there was a about 6 different groups of dancers, each at least 5- man strong, and a group of skateboarders running amok and one almost banged into me) of humans and finally got out to esplanade. one of the most stressful 30 seconds walk EVER.

sat down at esplanade where we concluded that the bayside is turning into a ghetto too. its not very well- lit which is all well and fine but people are like dressed all funny and sitting there and they look like they're on drugs or summat. freaky la. the whole thing was freaky. and we thought it was ironic how on our left we have the local arts hub and on our right, the ghettos. tee hee.

sat down and yakked more... more serious things. the girl went through some heartache. :) but we all come out stronger out of those.

went to cali bistro for (finally!) my bread and butter pudding. yum yum.

walked on to raffles city and while walking we encountered a bunch of mats wearing yarmulkes. i SWEAR. and naz went off on a, "ohmygod fiza i want to lauuugh..." cuz well honestly, they looked funny. i mean. yarmulkes. with dangling balls down your cheeks. nuh- uh. not cute.

i covered my face cuz i wanted to laugh too. and once we were past them i exclaimed, "ohmygod what the hell was that? they looked like... they looked like... they looked like a bunch of yahudis (jews)!"

and naz laughed cuz yahudi is such a funny- sounding word. but honestly, a yarmulke, according to dictionary.com, is a skullcap worn by Jewish men and boys, especially those adhering to Orthodox or Conservative Judaism. :D so there.

told stories on all sorts. drunk people, mad people, smugglers, how to smuggle in cigarettes, all sorts. fun fun fun.

talked about the past, and how glad we are that its over. how happy she is for me. she said and i quote, "i've never seen you this happy." and that puts a big big smile on my face cuz i know its the truth.

and she said something else that makes me glow like a silly pregnant bitch. :D

nights like this remind me that i'm never alone. i have few good friends, but they're few VERY good friends. people whom i know will be there for me when i need them. people who might not call me up every single day, but just have that instinct of a true blue friend and will know when i need them. :)

has been such a good life lately. i must be on a brilliant stroke of good luck. i hope it never ends. thank you God for the blessings.

good night everyone.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

cuz i am that everything you wanted but didn't get

woke up to a rainy saturday. what bliss.

meeting nazreen my paki- babe later. breaking fast with her. :) yay! i missssss her.

there's something i've observed and clearly, NOT understand about parenting in Singapore.

kiasu/ anal parents (and when i say kiasu i mean it as a characteristic, not racial differentiation, cuz i know some malay and indian families do it too) tend to take on aggressive disciplining measures, even when in public, which i think is unhealthy.

its common sight to see a parent, usually a mum, crossing the road with son/ daughter. while walking, poor child, in fervently trying to catch up with mum's large strides, trips and fall. and mum, will, lo and behold, grab the child upwards and start scolding him/ her loudly, or worse, give a few slaps on the legs.

and i get very confused by this.

what exactly, has the child done wrong? is tripping and falling WRONG? has it tarnished your brilliant record as a mum whose child never tripped? are you ashamed that your son/ daughter tripped, for the world to see?

did it not occur to you that maybe the child is in pain from the fall? that maybe he/ she fell because she was so desperately trying to catch up with your long striding steps and hence, it might possibly even be (GASP!) your fault?

i've always been against public embarrassment. when you scold a child in public, you're putting him/ her up for public's viewing, and hence child is ashamed. ashamed to have what? tripped? having what he/ she holds close, i.e. parent, publicly shame him/ her, leads to resentment, and eventually, might lead to your teenage daughter/ son not liking to be seen in public with you, cuz he/ she knows you're fully capable of embarrassing him/ her in public.

and then the parents on the total extreme end of this pole will be the ones who lets their kids become screaming banshees and freaky hyperactive red indians, maniacally running wild in the trains, shouting at random.

i'm one to talk considering which age demographic i belong to. maybe when i become a parent i would be able to empathise.

but nah. i think there's never a need for "public flogging" la. and nor is there a need to smile gleefully like a hippy on drugs when you see your kids running and flying into tired people in the trains screaming like a dayak. some balancing equation is due here, and i'm sure if we're all capable of getting ourselves bonked up, we're capable of finding an even balance in the act of disciplining.

i love kids, and it sucks to see things like that. i am the last to spare the rod and spoil the child, but the first to use love as means of making a child see reason.

oh and in a relevant sidenote; child of our time is a very good documentary to watch and learn what it takes to bring up a child well. what IS considered well brought- up and what isn't.

meeting the maplek cuz he wants to buy a watch. last saturday we met cuz he wanted to buy a jersey. macam pompuan eh die ni.

hahaha. all is well. this is shaping up to be a pretty good saturday. and next week i have a two- day week in school! oh the joy. plus, a trip down to geylang is due soon, i hate going there in the 3rd/ 4th week, it'll be madness by then. hmm. wanna bring the maplek, but it'll be quite pointless, seeing that he is vegetarian, he can't enjoy the food i'll be savouring. oh but it'll be a good cultural experience. haha.

on a sidenote: the maplek pointed out that the hitting of the child after he/ she trips might be stem out 0f the parent's care for the child's well- being. which i disagree STRONGLY. how does hitting your child after he/ she falls show that you care? you're sending out a message that its wrong to trip, which it isn't. everyone trips. when an adult trips, does her/ his spouse or parent hit her/ him? no! so does that mean that the spouse/ parent don't care? ridiculous, this hitting after tripping business.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

my princess. :)

Friday, October 07, 2005

what's the story morning glory?

something is wronggg with my mozilla firefox. sob sob.

had delifrance. fish and chips and crepes. yummmm.

i need to get digital camera fixed so that i can snap pics of all these gunk i'm ingesting.

shall get it fixed soon... hmm hmm.

feeling stoned. i think its the dinner.

will try to articulate my deeper thoughts later. i think my battery starts running only after midnight.

sigh, some normalcy please, mr. body clock.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

why shouldn't we?

this is a very very good day. you hear that? VERY GOOD DAY.

hahaha. went to school, borrowed books for my soci methods paper and pop cult paper. after happily picking out the three books, i made my way to the borrowing counter. slot in matric card, wait for screen to appear and say...

"Please key in your PIN number."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

and i stood there gaping for a good 10 seconds, trying fervently to jerk- start my memory bank but somehow it was just beyond me. i knew my pin number was easy but for some odd reason there and then i just blanked out.

i realized it was pointless to continue standing there in faint mimicry of a goldfish so i proceeded to call the maplek who was also in the library, studying.

met him and told him my predicament and he offered to use his card.

me: but howww i totally forgot my pin number! wait next sem cannot log on to cors cannot bid for modules! (ya i know, i think very far one)
maplek: you go home and check that piece of paper thing la...
me: i dunno where is it! i lost it! ahhhh... how how cannot bid how!
maplek: isn't bidding using your ivle password? you have that right?
me: nono cors uses pin la... remember? to bid for modules?
maplek: uhh you could ask hafiz, maybe he knows. (hahaha i told him dizzie is my saviour in nus)
me: hmm ya can cuz i think he bid for me a few times before... but i don't think he saved it. zat also do for me before... but quite weird right message them ask them what's MY pin number?
maplek: well its you...
me: eh no no wait! you bidded for me also! this sem! got got! did you...
maplek: *goes through phonebook* wah lao. ya. nah. *shows me my pin number*
me: hahaha! you have my pin number!

so i got my books and went for my time class after which i met the maplek and we were off to town for our dinner.

its very endearing to have you wait for me while i pray. i don't know. it just is. thank you.

i was craving for some swensens but decided against it due to financial and um, distance issues. ahaha. lido was nearer, and much cheaper. little argument over this, partly cuz our options are so limited, and partly cuz he knew i was really too tired to slog it out with him over where to eat. didn't eat much at pre- dawn meal.

rested at the benches in wheelock for a bit where i guess i dozed off. he must have been doing alot of thinking while i slept cuz when i woke up, he told me, not ask me, that we are going for swensens. :))

got my black pepper seafood pasta and he had his aglio olio. happy people we are.

and while i was still halfway through my pasta, he went, "you want ice- cream right?" and went and ask for the menu. and although he is a huge banana split fan, he agreed with my choice of frosted chocolate malt. haa. sometimes i forget what a brilliant boyfriend he is.

the ice- cream spoons arrived first. and fiza of course, tries to balance them on her nose. as established previously several times, i can balance a tablespoon on my nose. little variation has been experimented. so the ice- cream spoon would be a breakthrough.

i, of course, the royal awesomeness, managed to balance it even though the maplek initially pointed out that the handle was too long, it can't balance off its weight, etc. i tell you when you rock like i do, you just rock. har har.

he was so proud of me he took a picture of it. there is a now a picture of 1x happy smiling fiza with ice- cream spoon on nose in his phone. :D

well then when you're that good, you just have to know how good. so i tried balancing it on my ears. the maplek gave me a look. i asked him why.

fiza, we're sitting in swensens having dinner and you are trying to balance an ice- cream spoon on your ear. do you see the problem?

uhhhm. no?

anyway i just kept fiddling with it and then unrealizingly i just let go of the spoon and GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME, it stayed!!!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TONIGHT, I, THE GREAT FIZA, BALANCED AN ICE- CREAM SPOON ON HER LEFT EAR. I ROCK MANY BALLS.

we both looked shock, cuz none of us expected it to be gravitationally possible. but i told you. when you're good, you just are.

our ice- cream came in the midst of mad laughter over spoon- on- ear.

me: oh thank god now the spoon will finally be of proper use.

well those who don't know frosted chocolate malt has this nice malt balls that are crunchy outside and chewy inside. totally orgasmic i tell you.

and of course la, if there's balls, there's gonna be badddd baddd baddd sex puns.

to seal the deal of sorts (he is a very good boyfriend today, i give full marks!), the maplek let me have the last ball. but as i was scooping my spoon about, i couldn't seem to get the ball!

me: heyyy i can't get to it!
maplek: *looks INTO glass* where are you, BALL???

yes he said ball that loudly. hahaha. oh i failed to mention that our waitress was this very nice lady named janice who went, "good evening ma'am, sirr. can i hap your ohderr plaaahse?"

yes. she's filipino. when she left, i looked at him and said, "she's gonna chop your head off!" HAHAHA.

i told him she is the possessed by the spirit of the woman who's head was chopped off and now she's back to kill all tall, dark indian men, cuz that was what the two maids were apparently fighting over. hoo hoo.

i can't recall much more but there were so much laughs over dinner that i can now safely conclude that i don't really care why i'm with him, as long as i'm with him. heh.

strolled down orchard road and argued about sexism, objectification of women, hanging lions in your room (don't ask) and being weird. we can't seem to agree on who's weirder.

then we walked past that mural wall where the head was found and i jokingly said, "oooh we should walk behind it and let the maids have a go at you."

and this boy, took my hand, and steered me in that direction and yes, we walked behind the mural, at 8.30 p.m. can dieeee can. can dieeee. grr. i guess it was his payback for my joke on his head being chopped off. harumph.

ohoh and today at the library he was chatted up by an indian girl (razie, kau eh? hahahaha)! su- weeeeet! she talked to him for abit and apparently she knows him but he doesn't know her. oh well. looks like someone's fast becoming hot stuff. hehehe.

me: you used up your haha quota again! stop it!
him: hmm ok... then hoho?
me: tsk you're not santa can!
him: how you know?
me: you're indian you twit.

in general conclusion for today, may i say that i am terribly happy, like can burst and rays of sunshine will stream out of my veins kind of happy, the maplek is a brilliant boyfriend without knowing it, i have lovely lovely friends, my studies are much much better this semester, and next week i have a 3- day week cuz there's no tutorial for one module and no classes for another module.

envy me all of you, for i am the great, the mighty, the powerful, and the only, AWESOMENESS.

hoo yeah.

love takes time

i haven't said the precious three in the longest time. but at least i can rest assure the last time i said it and the next time i say it, i meant and will mean it.

i could never really understand people who say i love you so easily. so freely. i never saw the need to say i love you at the end of every phone call. like its stripped of meaning and becomes codeword for, ok goodnight, goodbye.

even if you are in love, your adoration can be expressed in other forms. throwing about the word love only serve to cheapen the experience.

but in the first place... i think love is like life, culture. it takes time to develop, to be nurtured. in the early stages you get to know a person as a partner, no longer as a friend or acquaintance as he/ she was before. and in this period of knowing each other its easy to get heady and start proclaiming this heady sensations as love.

don't give me the wishy washy junk about love being undefinable. i'm not defining love. i'm just pointing out what isn't love. love encompasses so much and is a long- term process. that's what i've come to learn. the point where i realize its love is always when i've been in the relationship for at least a year. that's when the senses kick in and go ahh you know, this feels like love.

but initially you're still learning, you're still knowing each other, the dynamics of the relationship. love is what you get when the dust settles. all that cloudy gray surrounding you isn't love.

do not belittle love. its such a beautiful, magnificient phenomenon in humanity that it saddens me when its cheapened by those who do not understand just how much love can give and will give. and how, in comparison to that, what you have is mere.

there's no rush to fall in love. culture nurtures life, so similarly for love, both of you should nurture love. like a culture, something that develops over time and grows. rushing it will lead to a premature end as well.

let it take root and be at home, before you allow the sun and the water and the soil's natural nutrients to take effect. let each other be at ease together, only then will the trust, the company, the shared moments take effect, allowing love to grow.

any of my exes can tell you that saying i love you is an absolute rarity on my part. not simply because i think it takes alot of courage to reveal such strong emotions to that one person you feel so strongly for, its also because i don't want to cheapen the greatness of the meaning, the extraordinary pertinence of the use of it towards someone else.

don't be so quick to call something love just because you want it to be, so badly. love comes to those who believe, who waits, who is patient.

love will come, i know.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

in my own little bubble of life

i feel very nice. like, just nice. i completed my essay i don't have anymore deadlines hanging over the top of my head taunting me and i am quite well- prepared for the next onslaught of deadlines.

a comfortable kind of calm.

went to school, then spend break time lazing at AS7 with dizzie and the maplek. fun times. but the dear maplek didn't eat! we kept insisting that its okay for him to eat when we're fasting but he insisted that he would eat when he got home. just for the record, i appreciate the empathy dear, but really, its okay for you to eat when with us. :)

after that was medic soci and i was nodding away halfway through. its not even cuz i was sleepy, but more because it was THAT boring! goodness. things lighten up for a bit when she started talking about the contents of a cigarette. it has radioactive compounds! goodness. you smokers sound more and more dangerous by the day.

don't believe? SEE FOR YOURSELF!
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

there's TAR and in tar there is;

Benzo(a)pyrene: found in emissions from burned plant and petroleum products
Cadmium: a poisonous chemical that can cause liver, kidney and brain damage, commonly found in car batteries
B-napthylamine: used in the manufacture of dyes, condensation colours and rubber
Nitrosamine: found in harsh detergents; commonly used as an engine degreaser

be afraid. be very afraid.

there's also nicotine, carbon monoxide, and these;

Acetone: used in nail polish remover and paint stripper
Formaldehyde: a known cancer-causing substance used to preserve dead bodies
Ammonia: used in the dry cleaning industry
DDT: a pesticide used to kill insects
Arsenic: a deadly poison used in pest control and insecticides (especially WHITE ants)
Vinyl Chloride: a chemical used to make plastic
Benzene: a cancer-causing agent used in the production of fuel and chemicals
Polonium-210: a radioactive substance
Napthalene: a killer ingredient found in mothballs
Hydrogen Cyanide: a poison used in gas chambers (Hitler found his way back to Life! Through Salems and Marlboro!)

ok la i think i've scared you enough. at the end of the day its up to you mah, to smoke or not, right?

BTW, to all my naive friends who don't believe me when i insist on the harms of shisha:

Is shisha smoking harmful?

Yes. Shisha smoking is actually as harmful and addictive as cigarette smoking. Shisha contains tobacco and the same chemicals found in cigarettes, such as nicotine and tar. Evidence also suggests that exposure to environmental and second hand tobacco smoke from the shisha pipe is associated with significant lung and other diseases.

from here. last question. haha.

we should all quit smoking and just eat more dark chocolates. mmm.

your body is freed of nicotine within 8 hours if you quit smoking. so why not? besides, smoking stinks la.

anyway tomorrow is last day of schoolweek already. pretty fast! this friday is the start of 9th school week, 3 weeks more, then reading break then whoosh. exams. then holiday! yay!

during medic soci lecture i had a whale of a time digging out my organizer and marking out deadlines and drawing exclamation marks on the dates a week before said deadlines. such fun, to freak yourself out and psyeudo- hyperventilate. mental panic i tell you. all good for the soul, jolts back that much- missed sense of urgency!

dizzie dropped me at bishan after lecture as usual, and i made my way home, prayed, rested abit then broke fast with 2 dates and a glass of water. prayed maghrib then mum came home with rice, scoffed it down real quick then it was off for tuition. her maths paper tomorrow! please God give her an A*!

mum told me to buy rice cuz we ran out of rice. so i went to prime supermarket. just as i entered, my friend, liza, called.

liza: eh where are you? so noisy.
me: oh prime supermarket la. need to buy rice for pre- dawn meal later...
liza: oh okay...

*yak yak yak*

15 minutes later...

background: nyonya shouts
liza: eh! who's that?
me: oh... old auntie la...
liza: are you STILL at prime?!?!
me: err ya.
liza: WHY??? you're only getting rice and eggs!
me: ya la... aku tak jumpa la mane dia sembunyi ni beras. (i can't find where they hid the rice)

as it turned out the rice are kept outside. sheesh. unforetunately i wanted 1- 2.5 kg packs, and all that was available were 5 kg ones. then i saw a 2.5kg pack and almost grabbed it.

luckily i read: GLUTINOUS RICE.

or else i'll be having some funky rice at 5 this morning.

grocery shopping ain't my forte. last time i bought 1 kilo of long beans (kacang panjang) when i was supposed to get 1 kg of ground nuts (kacang tanah). there you go.

i want to read a light, fluffy book.

but see just as i said that i realize i got other things to do, like pray and talk to mum.

alright then.

songs for this moment

am staying up to type my essays and just... be awake. a cup of coffee and i'm good to go.

still typing away.

its raining very heavily. what i'd give to be out there now. but no, can't risk falling ill when fasting.

reminds me of that day when i stood in the rain cuz i felt so lost and confused by everything that i felt. rain metaphorically washes away your woes.

two apt songs for the now that i'm having.

There are nine million bicycles in Beijing
That's a fact
It's a thing we can't deny
Like the fact that I will love you till I die

We are twelve billion light years from the edge
That's a guess
No-one can ever say it's true
But I know that I will always be with you

I'm warmed by the fire of your love everyday
So don't call me a liar
Just believe everything that I say

There are six billion people in the world
More or less
And it makes me feel quite small
But you're the one I love the most of all

We're high on the wire
With the world in our sight
And I'll never tire
Of the love that you give me every night

There are nine million bicycles in Beijing
That's a fact
It's a thing we can't deny
Like the fact that I will love you till I die

And there are nine million bicycles in Beijing
And you know that I will love you till I die
Nine Million Bicycles; Katie Melua

thanks zat. got this off you. kinda makes me feel real soft and happy and smiley and warm all around. :)

and i played a few malay songs on iTunes just now. naturally my malay songs are always old, sad, and mopey. i heard this one and it just made me sad.

Secara tiba-tiba aku mengingatimu (all of a sudden you crossed my mind)
Di kamar sepi di malam syahdu (in my quiet room on a lonely night)
Inikah katanya rindu (is this what you call longing?)
Sengsara tiada terhingga (an endless suffering)
Setelah perpisahan pun berlalu (eversince our separation)

Terdengar lagu cinta membawa kesayuan (i overhear a love song, and it brings such sadness)
Membangkitkan hasrat yang terluka (evoking a painful desire)
Lalu aku terdiam pada lena yang panjang (and i was silenced, into a long sleep)
Terurailah rahsia yang terpendam (and so unravels the concealed secrets)

Bertahun dalam derita (years in distress)
Tanpamu aku melara (without you, i'm in sorrow)
Berbekalkan saat mimpiku di perjalanan ini (armed with only my dreams on this journey)
Pemergian dirimu putuslah cinta yang lama (with your departure, so ends this old love)
Menghentam diriku dalam memori (battering me down with memories)

Malam kian memaksa lagu menghanyut pilu (the night forces away the grief)
Wajah-wajah duka pun hilang (and the faces of melancholy hence fades)
Jika tersua lagi mungkin aku menangis (if we do meet again, i might cry)
Menahan getaran hati yang musnah (from holding back the quivers of my breaking heart)
Memori Duka; Sons of Adam

sounds real cheesy in english. heh. i tried.

someone told me that the problem with me is i'm always scared to be left behind that i end up leaving first. its a selfish technique called avoiding pain.

i hardly know how you are, who you are. i think back and its almost impossible that exactly a month ago it was my birthday and you texted me, first thing in the morning. its hardly believable that 2 days before that you came to the small gathering and hugged me before you left. its hard to believe, even, that we shared anything at all in the years that i knew you.

its all closed up. no open avenues. we both know that's the only way, that's the best. i don't wish for it to be any different. what we have now is unattainable if not for this circumstance we put ourselves in. and i would hate to lose what i have now.

sometimes i hear things and i worry and i reach out for that superwoman suit and get all set to fly over to save the situation but everyone tell me, let him live. let him learn. and i realized what i've become over the years; protective. i may not have been in love with you for as long as you were, but all the while, till now, i always felt the need to protect you from all harms. i always wanted to shelter you from pain though sometimes foolishly, i cause you the most pain. but i can't be a protector, a saviour, anymore. because over time things changed and suddenly i needed someone to shelter me and there was no one. there was you, there, beside me, but you were hardly sheltering. in fact i wanted so desperately to shelter you that i didn't even tell you anything that worried me cuz i was worried it might worry you. maybe it was silly of me to do that but that was how i felt.

when i first got together with you i remembered thinking to myself that i just wanted to smother you in bubble wrap, so that you will always retain that innocence and careless charm that comes only with a life untainted by pain.

but we all had some growing up to do, and no, i can never find that much bubble wrap.

besides, a bubble wrap would only suffocate you.

enough of protectively watching over you, be it from near or afar. maybe its time i realize i should instead just collapse myself into the warm, welcoming shelter i now have. and to not even look over in your direction, cuz what i see might just trigger that superwoman- thing again. and maybe when i'm all snuggled and warm and comfy in here, i will forget that i need to protect anyone.

and i know what this is. this is letting the bird out of my protective cage, no strings attached, literally. free to fly away, never having to come back, and me having to only hope for its safe and wondrous journey of discovery, but probably never knowing how. never knowing its outcome.

it teetered for awhile, then tentatively flapped its wings
at first diffidently then surely, it soared high and above, never looking back

and letting go is alot easier to do with you by my side, gently encouraging me to just fall into you.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

another new era

tomorrow the fasting month starts. :) insyaallah this ramadhan will bring more meaning to our lives. i look forward to fasting, its time i focus some time for Him and all things spiritual.

had one of the best tuesdays. almost skipped morning tutorial cuz i just couldn't get off my bed but i told myself, fiza, laziness is unbecoming of you. wake up to your idea. and walla, 10 a.m., i was in nus. :D

tutorial till 12, then it was a 2 hour break. dizzie and me made our way down to coffee club express for some bites then it was down to AS7 for some AIRCON and to discuss our term paper. pop culture hoo yeah! we're doing on porn. well not really. actually we're doing on the recent trend of (malay?) youths recording themselves having sex using the video function in their phones. a deviant youth subculture dominant in the malay- muslim cultural domain. hoo yeah.

then we went co- op to get chocolate and when we walked past forum we freaked out cuz there was a bunch of malays dressed in baju kurung and baju melayu. no i'm not that konok malay who thinks you can only wear such things for hari raya alone but to mass- wear and congregate leads to it looking like a pretty cult- like act. haha.

yea i happen to think that hari raya visiting with your friends in a supremely large group with everyone dressed to kill is very cult- like. if the point of visiting is to strengthen muslim ties, i say make sure there's ties there first. i find it pretty hypocritical to just go to random people's houses cuz you were schoolmates.

so anyway after a while we figured out, its some event they're holding, the malay cultural society or something. so we orh and walked on. he got cookies, i got dark chocolate. yum.

stopped at the vending machines to get some coke. he asked me why i was buying at AS4 when there's vending machines at as3.

me: beli botol la, boleh mabuk- mabuk. (buy by the bottle la, then can get drunk.)

he then decided he wanted to get a drink too. he wanted to get limeade, but he was 10 cents short. yes. his cashcard was 10 cents short of a bottle of limeade. that was bizarre. what are the chances? and i asked, "eh cashcard cannot negative value ah? like ez- link mah."

he then decided on a bottle of coke too.

him: kita mabuk- mabuk sama- sama. (we get drunk together.)

hahaha that's why i love you dude.

so it was soci methods tutorial in the comp lab, and after a gruelling 1 hr 40 minutes, i finally came up with a primary data that interest me and had literature back- up. phew. now on with the paper!

as usual for tuesday, 4- 6 p.m. i sit in LT11 with my favourite freshie and do my own crap while he listens attentively to his history lecture. and sometimes i gleefully point out to him how the slides are the exact same slides they used when i was in year 1. now ain't that yonks ago.

and then post- lecture was a trip to town! yay! got new panties from topshop with my voucher. pay nothing and get an underwear! i love it.

walked to marche and saw many interesting things as we strolled. town never cease to entertain me. everyone's so extraordinarily similar yet bizarre in their own unique way. and we saw a guy carrying his girlfriend's PINK HELLO KITTY bag. i can't decide which is worse, that its pink, that its hello kitty, that he's carrying it or ALL of the above. haha.

maplek: wah lao.
me: whaaaaaaat. he happy la...
maplek: what's wrong with him?
me: its not his what! its the girlfriend's!
maplek: umph ya would you make me carry your pink hello kitty bag??
me: SURESH! i will never OWN a pink hello kitty bag!

we further discussed this (yeah and the couple is like so long- gone) and he said if it was him, he would have left. i pointed out that if you carry a pink hello kitty bag, you won't be too popular with the girls. so in that sense he's pretty stuck, cuz if he leaves her he won't get anyone else. so i say she's pretty smart to use the pink bag tactic. he said yeah, the pink bag works like a shackle thing you know. and fiza goes, yeahhhh! like oooh wear me the pink bag and you shall be stuck forever mwahahaha. hmm. i should try the pink bag tactic too.

maplek: ha if you ever do that its not even gonna be a we- go- home- and- talk- about- this ah, it'll be like, immediate bye- bye.

-_- so much luuuuuuuuuurve.

had my rosti and sambal stingray at marche. and he thought i was high on coke. granted, i had a cup of it during break, a bottle of it during tutorial, and a can of it during marche but NO i was not HIGH. humph.

went to fort canning for a bit. just sat, chat, talk nonsense, make random noises. explained to him the fasting month, what it meant, and such. :) thank you for wanting to understand.

got home and some relatives had came over. chatted for a bit. the cousin's baby is a GIRL! *claps excitedly* more babies more babies whee!

during history lecture i managed to write out ideas for ALL my essays so i guess i'm getting down to business tonight. yeah baby yeah.

not many things annoy me. no, like seriously annoy me. nose- digging and ass- scratching falls under superficial annoyance, meaning you won't make me lose my temper even if you do it a gazillion times. but some things you do again and again it frustrates me. like stealing my ideas. be it verbal, visual or oral. quote me, then credit me. don't steal my photographic angles/ ideas without telling me. don't copy or imitate me cuz that irritates me. understand? i believe all humans were made by God equal and yet unique, with an innate stamp of COPYRIGHT. so please, do your own thang.

i'm trying to figure out why i like suresh. help, anyone?

everytime i look at him i go, "why?" and there's never an answer.

maybe its time i deal with the fact that not everything in life is written in black and white. but i like black and white!

and no, "it's just you" is not much of an answer. what's this you i like so much? ahhh beyond me really. beyond me.

anyway i've downloaded the entire prayer times (including imsak times) for this month of ramadhan as well as a list of public places holding terawih prayers such as void decks and halls. let me know if you need either/ both files. or tag me and tell me where you live roughly and i'll let you know where you can do your terawih. :) for admiralty people like me who thinks an- nur will be too far, too packed, we can do it at home OR at Woodlands Ring Road, Blk 658.

selamat berpuasa. :)

Monday, October 03, 2005

makes me stop, before i begin

cuz i've got youuuuu, under my skin. :)

lovely start to the morning, met the maplek in the train and off to school we were.

had the classes, did the mandatory scholastic crap. bah.

term papers piling... projects, research, lots and lots to do. can't seem to get down to it though. my sense of urgency has been amiss since i set foot in nus. oh dear.

after all that it was coffee bean at lot 1 and we finished our loot at chua chu kang park. aah. miss that place. spent alot of my days there when i lived at chua chu kang. i've got a thing for parks.

sat and talked and laughed and argued and pinched his nose. came up with certain standard operating procedures that clearly we won't obey. haha. 'cept maybe for the cheat on each other bit. that's kinda obvious. other than that, as i told him, its not much of a service we're providing, with only 4 SOPs. haha.

was almost late for tuition cuz as always any time with him is never enough and i just wanna keep stretching every minute. sigh.

well i did go for tuition anyway. and then it was home, some tv, rest, eat, then here.

i'm not feeling too chatty. schoolwork piling and somehow i am constantly tired lately.

on a bright note, i met nazreen just now and i updated her on the latest and she finally saw the maplek. he got the thumb's up even though he was scratching his forehead in the most unglam manner when i pointed him out. haha.

someone asked if i miss you or ever feel like calling you at times. and i thought about it... nahhh. its okay. things are fine here. as i know it is over there too.

everytime you hold my hand i get lost in wonder

Sunday, October 02, 2005

the sweetest things

its been quite the tiring week, with much tribulations and emotional ups and downs. here's to the new week!

monday

"okay. i think i realized why you feel there's a wall. right. its not that thoughts don't come to me in response to what you say. they do. but i want to be sure what i say. if i'm not sure, i don't say. cuz i know what its like when you hear random thoughts which, like you have said, may mean nothing but can cause unhappiness, uncertainty, etc. and well seeing i know what it feels like and i don't exactly like it, i won't do it to anyone else. so unless i'm sure bout the consequences of what i'm saying i usually won't. hence probably the wall. dunno why i realized this now but i suddenly did and i thought you should know..."

tuesday

me: let's conquer the world!
him: okay... should i bring out the nukes?
me: nukes? dukes? bukes? fuuuuuukes!
him: nuclear la...
me: ohhh...
him: what's fukes?
me: the cousin of fucks.

wednesday

me: i think to have a nose- fuck
me: you need a pencil dick
him: hahaha
me: and i hope i will never have to see a pencil dick
me: or i'll go kill myself
him: wha so serious
me: yes! so all you pencil dicks stay away from me!

thursday

him: ahh do you think they cleaned the pond?
me: i don't think so it still looks gray...
him: ahh they cleaned it!
me: hmm ya but it looks like its already turning gray again...
him: maybe its cuz the lion's teeth are gray.

friday

me: where are we going?
him: marina square.

me: eh, are we dropping here?
him: yes my dear its city hall.

*walking at citylink*
me: eh, where are we going?
him: marina la!
me: haha okay i meant how are we getting there.

*walking out of citylink to marina*
me: ehh where you going, here la! *points opposite direction*
him: tsk its here la.

he was right.

*walking inside marina*
me: eh where are we going?
him: ehhh what's wrong with you today... go watch movie la!
me: hahaha ya laaaa but where is it?

saturday

mum: eh eh! there's white ants!
*all three stare intently at the two tables*
him: hmm ya got alot.
me: eh ours don't have!
him: *pulls table away from mum's* ahh see so now the white ants there won't come here.

sunday

my aunt caught a mosquito with her bare hands.

my uncle: wah nyamuk pun you boleh tangkap, inikan pulak i. (wah mosquito also you can catch, what more me.)

:)) good times, this life gives.

visiting

visited the dad's grave this morning... then grandma's, then a few other relatives. then it was lunch then home and a nap.

there's something sobering about visiting the cemetery early in the morning on a sunday and seeing so many other people there.

kinda puts into perspective the concept of loss.

everyone's lost someone, its how we deal with the aftermath that matters most.

i don't think i have done the best i could in dealing with the passing of my dad but everyday i'm trying.

i guess those nights when i feel like i'm so closed to perfection yet something is just missing, maybe that missing piece is him. and in that case, then it'll always be missing.

some things you just can't have it back.

among other things that crossed my mind when i was there was how once, hafiz lim accompanied me to my dad's grave. that meant alot back then, still does now.

my dad is the biggest yet most private part of me that i never know how to articulate into words for my close and dear ones.

i've lived without him for so long yet i'm still not used to it. i'm used to him not being around, yes, but i'm not used to the loss.

i wonder how you get used to loss.

look what you've done

i sat here before my laptop, awake.

and james blunt was just singing, on and on, in the background.

my thoughts became vocal in my head and i began hearing a million and one things.

then it hit me like a tonne of bricks. it crashed into me like a truck, a bulldozer.

i recall today, the moments. recall myself sitting on the sofa grinning to myself. recall myself recalling the past. recall to you our past. conversations, movies, outings, fingers, smiles, gazes.

and it dawned upon me what this is. for real. its for real. and i know you knew it too, without us exhanging a word. over this distance, over this space and time i know you know it too.

so now i shall go to bed, knowing i'm high up here...

somewhere only we know.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

an orgasmically good saturday

what was going to be a seemingly dull weekend started off fantastickally!

the maplek decided that he wanted to get a man u jersey with his birthday money. so to queensway we went.

once we got there he withdrew cash while i went to get my queensway essential; MUAH CHEE! is that how its spelled? its that gooey dough dunked in sugary peanut concoction. good shit la. got the maplek to like it too. ;) i rock balls.

anyway because nike is a "f*cking ch**by* of the highest order" as the maplek calls it, the price for the jersey went up from $85 to $97. and guess when the implementation took place? today. meaning if he could save that 12 bucks if he came yesterday. and as he said, the jersey is still the same today as it was yesterday but just cuz nike wants more profits they jacked up the price so he's not happy etc etc so, empty- handed we left.

i was looking for nice running sneakers. my reeboks are like, 7 years old? very very old. but oh so comfy, reliable and trustworthy. everything i want a boyfriend to be. haha.

so we went over to ikea for me to get hot dog bun and a drink. then while i was squeezing out the chilli sauce for my bun he asked if i had experience milking cows. -_- where do i find these boys, really. and he asked why i didn't take the mustard. i said i don't like em'. i wouldn't mind if it was melted cheese.

"hah if it was melted CHEESE i will be like lying down there *leans back* squeezing it all into my mouth... *opens mouth*"

i am very very jealous of his love for cheese. HUMPH!

i bet if there was melted ME he wouldn't lie down there and squeeze it all into his mouth. nyeh.

and i got ONE precious sip of the ice lemon tea and by the time we arrived at the bus stop, with my face stuffed with hot dog, he had FINISHED the drink. he got a PIAK and a YOU SELFISH PRICK! for that. its okay, later on we shareda mocha frap and he made sure i got the last sip. harumph.

took the bus down to redhill mrt. while waiting for the train, i started off, in a bass- y, low- gravelly voice...

"whyyyy does the sunnnn go on shining... why does the sea rush to shooooore..."

and he continued in this kiddy- whiny voice...

"don't they know... its the end of the world... *both of us* BITCH!"

HAHAHA. well background story is i watched child of our time (VERY VERY GOOD!) last week and this 18 mth old lass, a third of a triplet, was the only kiddo who could string a three- word sentence.

when a lady gave her a key, and asked her to give it back, this cutie went, "go away!" "aaaah go away... how clever..." "bitch!" HAHAHA. how... um... smart, no?

so anyway the way she says bitch is in this really cute sharp pitch. and that's how we sang the bitch. but we sang it at the same time and stunned ourselves into silence, then we started arguing who said it first etc etc.

took the train to bugis and met my mum at golden landmark. not before we got our starbucks dosage. yayyyy.

maplek: drink with the two straws la, then get to drink more.
me: NO! the whole point of two straws is so that we don't share straws.
maplek: -_- ok fine.

maplek: ok which one is mine?
me: *stares at two straws* *pulls out one* here.
maplek: whuuuuh. hahaha and from what great mathematical formula did you derive that knowledge?

hahahaha you baaaaastard.

got a seamstress (seamstrer? was a dude. seamstud? hoho) to take my measurements and walla, kebaya on its way. while the dude was trying to measure my bust i accidentally elbowed his head. :| i get jittery when people go near my boobs la. HAHAHA.

then it was ambrosia cafe for foooooooooood. and ohmygodddddd the fooooooood.

maplek had briwattes, basically samosa, with this super rocking good hot and spicy GREEN CHILLI dip. oooh la la. mum and me had grilled dory in orange sauce- brings back dear memories at constant craving. :) was veryyyyy good. then we had oreo cheesecake which was just so- so, but the OUM ALI/ bread pudding WAS ROCKING GOOD SHIT MAN.

we also had a mango freeze and longan freeze, both were yummy ice cold beverages.

so today is officially good shit day. to quote mum upon savouring the last bits of the bread pudding,

"i have the best company and the best food, what more can i ask for?"

*nods* well- said.

anyway right, for those who went fig and olive rather frequently (maya!), guess what? haha. the (cute, handsome, brooding) dude who worked there (he left a month ago, sorry ladies) just texted me. yes apparently he kept my number from the evaluation form that i filled up back then. which was like in august! i wonder if that is legal. customer's privacy, no? but he quite handsome la. i remembered my mum saying, "ya ya you and waiters. don't go for another ah then wait got nowhere else to eat." haha. and i just looked at him, i didn't even say a word. sheesh.

so yeah he texted me and asked too if i was single. and the maplek was right beside me in the cab home. tee hee.

i tell you. its a waiter thing. and probably an indian thing too la. he's north indian. pfft.

but no. i shall stay true and loyal to my one and only maplek. wahwahwah so touching.

anyway yes. i hope you all had a good shit saturday too. :D

and those who haven't, GO AMBROSIA LA DEI! its kinda pricey but hell, its worth it. just don't sit downstairs i guess. we were sitting there, pretty comfy, then realized there were white ants on the wooden tables and then i got paranoid and soon i felt as if they were all over my hair, my body. it got so bad i got up and started shaking my pants and ruffling my hair. in the middle of the shop yes. even got to scratching my back, my thighs, elbows. paranoid! white ants! will! attack! the world!

i'm weird.

bad boys, bad boys

okay i just got this forwarded email... from a very angsty young man who is sick of being the "nice guy" and have now decided to become the "bad guy."

how?

by not being there for the girl when she calls you at 2 a.m. in the morning crying about that jerk, by not telling her how wonderful/ funny/ beautiful she is when that jerk stood her up, by not listening to her complains about that jerk, by not helping her snag that jerk. he says he's sick of being that nice guy, cuz women sure as hell don't appreciate it.

and i agree! whole- heartedly. as much as i know jerks are the biggest pains in the ass, i think women has had it too good sometime.

there are many jerks in the world, yes. and for each of those jerks, there's possibly two nice guys out there, willing to give you a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on.

but ladies, naturally, are attracted to the jerks. i don't know if this is due to a genetic make- up or just that mindset that something hard to get is probably more worth it.

meaning that jerk who rejects my call daily is gonna be a much better boyfriend than this dude who picks up my calls at 2 a.m. to hear me cry.

i'm not saying we should settle for the nice guys, just be with the dude who's always there for you just because he's there. no. what i'm saying is going after jerks is what you chose to do, and in that sense then, you have little right to complain, really, when you get jerked around.

i never understand when my girlfriends complain of jerks. if he is a jerk then why do still want him?

don't give me that crap about he's unique, he's different, he makes me feel special... how special do you feel when he doesn't call, doesn't show up, doesn't care?

and what's so unique about him? he's a jerk, and there's lots more of that where he came from, i can tell you.

which is why sometimes i don't get all the men- bashing women do. i mean you complain about the jerks, but its your endorsment of jerks that allows their propagation. if women stop going after jerks, do you still jerks still want to be jerks? no they'll want to be nice guys, and then what do you get? a nice happy world, in this context.

another thing the angsty guy pointed out was that and then after years of chasing the jerks, suddenly they hear their biological clock, suddenly all their friends are married, suddenly they blow out the candles on their cake and whoops, there's 30.

and no guy.

and THEN they finally realize that what they've been chasing is hardly till death do we part material. and THEN they realize the nice guys whom they called at anytime anywhere for anything, are the ones made for walking down the aisle.

and half the time, the nice guys are just glad to finally be noticed and picked. and are more than happy to walk down that aisle with you.

justice has to be served. unforetunately, i'm not god. i can't change the mind of the entire female population.

jerks have done NOTHING to deserve the undying attention of women, the tears of women, the pain and suffering of women. hell we get cramps every month and at least for that we get to have babies. jerks? they won't even stick around long enough to make the babies.

i understand that sometimes pain can be thrilling, especially the pain from a fruitless chase. but what women sometimes have failed to see is how, the thrill of joy, too, can be quite electric, if not more. and most of the times, they last longer.

what i do to keep things in perspective is this; think of "what if i die?" and "at the end of the day..."

if i die, i'm not gonna think hey at least i wasted a good year in my life going after that hot dude with the big bike who never picked up my calls.

at the end of the day, i'm not gonna look back and say, hey that was a day well- spent. calling him up, getting my call rejected, crying till my eyes swell cuz i feel unwanted and undesirable.

if i die, i wanna die happy. ah, at least i had someone holding my hands to my last breath.

at the end of the day, i wanna look back and think, see that was a day well- spent. i went out with him, he held my hands, stroked my hair, made me laugh, made me feel beautiful, and now i can go to sleep looking forward to another tomorrow with him.

its all a matter of options really. you take the pick.

so if you choose jerk, don't complain later that he's such a jerk.

cuz you went in there knowing that, babes.

you've overwritten your haha quota!

the maplek has sported centre parting hair all along till he entered army. and now he's considering a side part, ala indian nationals and adopting an indian accent as well. however i've threatened to break up with him so ~~obviously~~ hopefully this dire situation is under control.

maplek: actually, till i entered army, it was always centre

me: huhhhh
me: ah beng la youuuuuu
me: confirm guarantee plus chope
me: si bei many chope

maplek: yes my dear ah lian

we are a very culturally- confused couple.

met him at 10 today, i wasn't late! would wonder never cease. could we, possibly, finally, see in fiza a changed (wo)man? time shall tell. time time time. aiyee. time essay still unfinished!

ok anyway before cows infliltrate the room, let me proceed.

first thing i told him when he arrived was that we're NOT watching dukes of hazzard cuz it got bad reviews and lord knows i'd hate to waste my money on watching jessica simpson "prove herself to be hollywood's leading bimbo," as the paper reported.

oh not through the acting, trough the blooper reels. so yea. that was the only reason why i would have ended up watching but no, i decided against it. so cinderella man it was, at gv marina.

and what a brilliant movie it was. true courage, i must say. and wah, boxing matches quite stressful to watch. especially with the given cinematography and plot, you never know when he's gonna lose or win. quite stress. oh and theatre quite cold! luckily got jacket.

oh and to prove how inspiring the movie was, at the end of the movie when he won the title (OOPS!), this lady sitting ahead of us clapped. haha.

oh and one of the more violent punches had a different lady up ahead tut- tutting away. tsk tsk tsk indeedy!

hung out for abit then met mum at bugis for dinner. went to wismangan but lo and behold, he is no longer there. the auntie there informed us that he left the place, and has gained weight. i don't know if there's a link. hmm.

post- dinner we roamed the streets of arab street, stopping for a chat near the malay heritage centre. pretty place at night i must say.

then we headed down to cafe el- sheikh for some snacks. then it was a train ride home.

had a bad tummy ache that just ended few minutes back. gastric i think. cleared it with some dried fish fillet. you know, the skinny long paper thin thingies that leaves a funky fish smell on your fingers.

somehow this week has been particularly tiring. maybe cuz its a knee jerk jolt back into routine after last week's languid midterm break. sigh.

its a friday, a non- school day, yet i am damn exhausted by 11 p.m. that's early.

will try to finish history paper now... then some tv... some... water... some... reading... some...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.