being obscure clearly.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

the magic that is you and i

lalalalalalala PLOP!

i'm in a good mood i am i am. can you tell can you tell? laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalalala.

i am turning TWENTEEN SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON hooooooooo wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

mmm that's not why i am happy though. i will tell soon. soon soon soon. so many promises, just how many can i keep? hmm.

ohohohoh my tuition kid got 87% for science and 96% for maths. english yet to be known. :))

school was, well, school. supposed to have class at 10, but i was slightly late and concluded that i'll be more productive sitting down at macs doing readings. and it was! i got to clear my soci methods reading AND eat a big breakfast meal. ain't that kool. haa.

and then suresh came to join me for a bit and i made him eat my hash brown cuz i can never finish those things. i mean after scrambled eggs, a beef patty and 2 buns, you want me to stuff that carbo- loaded thing down my throat? pffffft.

so i skipped my class and went to school with suresh. and crashed his and dizzie's lecture. as usual. haha. to think i skipped my OWN class and yet attended another's. but hey i got to do soci there too. and a nap. :D

me and hafiz didn't eat anything during lunch and just watched suresh eat. hahaha. and GOODNESS the abundance of racist jokes we can come up between us! we whack all races; CMIO. all gone. tsktsk.

MSN is not signing me in. bahhhhhhhh.

so anyway anyway anyway.

THIS SATURDAY! my birthday thingamajick cum hadi's farewell. the dude is going to NS and i am turning 20. many many cause for celebration! so yes do come. harbourfront breeks (level 1, you can't miss it), at about 5.30 p.m. its okay to come empty- handed but please pay for your dinner cuz in case you haven't noticed i'm not the daughter of a broker nor do i live on 6th avenue.

now that THAT is out of the way i got little else to say. well. ummmm.

i was walking home just now, and the breeze was just right... light and cool... and there were two very distinctive stars in the sky.

and then i felt the breeze between the gaps in my fingers and i felt something was amiss.

these gaps are meant to be filled.

i shall now proceed to make a battery out of lemons or zinc and copper cuz hey, that's what VOLTA did so if HE can do it so can i.

MSN still won't let me in. you annoying little piece of eejit just SIGN ME IN ALREADY WOULD YOU?!?!

i swear MSN Messenger is male. bah.

men are like photocopiers. you need them for reproduction, and that's about it.

and hafiz if men are like wine, here's something i distinctively remember from working at olio dome...

WINE STINKS.

HAHAHAHAHA.

beautiful

just got home. today was brilliant.

its a beautiful life i have.

went to school for my tutorial, my pop cult tutor is so cute! very corny. i like. haha. after tutorial was lunch with suresh and then a short nap. then another tutorial. methods tutorial... dryyyyyness.

ended at 4 and had time to kill so crashed suresh's history lecture. did my innovations reading in there. then at 6! GASP! its time to play! or for play. foreplay! anyway.

went to the carpark and met the dizzie one. dropped suresh at buona vista. drove down to DBS Arts Centre- Home of SRT. got there much earlier than expected. so we walked to UE Square which had 1. delifrance desserts hoo wheeeee i got CREPES today yay yay yay and 2. a liverpool fc club store hooooooooooooo wheeeeeeeeeeeee.

sat there and had our delifrance. chatted for a bit. then it was the play.

those familiar with harold pinter's work needs little reassurance of the briliance of the play. the choronology was reversed and that created an intriguing effect. watching the affair unfold from top to bottom instead of down- up was nice. the words, beautiful; the mindgames, latent.

then it was drive down to al- ameen woodlands, and car ride there was not without the crazy nonsense and more ridiculous singing. i looooooove these days with you la.

had a rocking good chicken chop at al- ameen. i finished the whole thing, which was pretty huge. even diz vouched he never saw me ate with such gusto before. hah whaddya know, i got it in me. but moving on.

dinner was over pretty fast but we got talking about so many things we sat there till pretty late. i was so surprised to look at the time and see it was almost midnight. we sat there for one and a half hours! just yakking. goodness. but i'm glad i talked to you tonight. i feel so relieved. you are the best la.

so that was my first birthday gift, courtesy of the dizzie one. :) good days are coming and hopefully here to stay.

we all seek a little happiness in all the things we do. sometimes we gotta realize getting to do something, is a good enough gift to be happy about.

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"ehh ehh ehh red light quick quick! *snap*" hahaha.

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Boy, you’re my angel, you’re my darling angel
Closer than my peeps you are to me, baby
Shorty, you’re my angel, you’re my darling angel
Boy, you’re my friend when I’m in need, baby

Shaggy; Angel

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

hush little girl now don't you cry

ok la someone told me that blogging like that will worry people who care for me so i shall blog a post now to reassure worried people that there is nothing to worry about, okay?

hahaha.

i am happy la. i am. its just that, shit happens, you know? and sometimes there's no way around it so you just gotta take it when it hits you. and when it does i blog my pain. that's it. but life is still good, i'm not suicidal. hell no.

tomorrow is Day 1 of birthday bash! hahaha. cuz dizzie the sweetest thing in the whole wide world bought me tickets to harold pinter's betrayal. :D

and just now hana called to tell me to tell my other friends not to buy the illustrated beatles book by david hunter cuz SHE is getting that for me. when i hung up the phone, suresh my eyes lit up and i went, "my best friends love me!" hahaha.

so i am thinking of doing dinner instead cuz that seems to be more convenient for most. farhana? you say cannot i piak you many many times. OR you can meet me on the day itself (to do what you always do, 5th SEPTEMBER!) which is monday. i end at 4. i know. i am a bitchy demanding best friend but heyyyyyyy that's why you love me!

i am so loved and that is the greatest gift God has given to me. He took away some, but gave me so much more back in return.

you just GOT to love life and how everything plays out.

and hana i can't thank you enough. for both words and beatles. :) meant alot to me la. thanks. and we were going through a crisis of sorts (fiza the OPTIMIST got in the way again) and he was on a bit of a downer and i cut and paste your words and i think he realized where he stands. :)

its all good baby.

its all good.

Monday, August 29, 2005

and sometimes the difference between having it all and losing it all, is just a matter of moments.

its not spring yet

she couldn't look back into his eyes. try as she might, it was impossible. any longer than mere seconds she felt like she might lose herself.

what if he sees things he isn't supposed to see in my eyes, what then?

so she avoided the gentle gazes all day. minutes ticked by. a deadweight set in on her shoulders. she tried to shrug it off but it hung in the air, thick as fog.

silence.

fingers twined. and silence.

she looked at his long fingers and aimlessly thought how small her hands looked in his. she sharply turned her head away, not sure if she should be looking at people's fingers like that.

nothing seemed right and she just couldn't rest her eyes on one sole single object. she knew what she could gladly rest her eyes on but she wasn't sure if she dared. to make desires known. just yet.

her head was elsewhere. her mind drifted between tangential thoughts but none too definite for her to lay rest on. it fluttered back and forth. deep, dark thoughts, nothing specific, blobs of ink, random images that never fitted.

they walked in. and immediately, a glass wall came down around her. she felt herself enveloped, a harsh, sharp enclosure, suffocatingly palpable. and yet she knew at the back of her head she had brought on the walls. she had put them up. she wished she knew why.

she kept her distance, the wall creating a real, physical space between them. again, silence.

she wished she could just reach out, and once her hands went past the delusive wall in her mental space, she knew the glass walls would break. but she couldn't bring herself to do it. to just touch him. to feel his real presence and acknowledge his existence.

instead he became just a vacuous lacuna. a desolate void that somehow manifested into solid matter before her eyes but was just elusively beyond her own walls.

"goodbye," he said. "and maybe this might be the last," she thought.

she walks on.

the evening breeze caught the spiral of a falling leaf and instead of a straight linear fall, the leaf fell wayward, spiralling freely, augmenting its intended falling time, extending its time in motion, spiralling languidly, on borrowed time.

then as the breeze died and the leaf lost its impetus for flight, she heard a sharp whoosh, a stronger force fighting, falling even, against the now- still air.

she turned behind, then looked up.

in time she heard a sharp clunk, and felt real weight set itself onto her.

the sensations took a while to permeate. the paralysis though, was immediate. such enrapturing irony.

she lay still on the trodden path. she could see the dirt between the tiles, the once gray cement fusing the separate tiles, blackened by age and wear. as her vision clouded she saw feet. several. surrounding her field of vision. voices. alarmed, concerned, angered.

"oh."

reality sank in. she could barely nod to herself.

"i'm dying."

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Now wrongs remain unrectified
And our souls won't be exhumed

Muse; Sing for Absolution

provides continous comfort

worked 12 hours today. but it was worth it. last day at causeway. it was a blast, throughout. and tonight even more so, with just me and hana. giggled ourselves crazy. well we don't giggle. we just laugh. and random outbursts humours people. so goodings!

then now dunno why i feeling- feeling listen to malay songs.

to whoever it may concern who reads this blog; birthday lunch pretty much confirmed. this saturday, breeks @ harbourfront, at 11ish, 12. please let me know if you're coming so that i can book a table. cuz or else we might have to wait for a bit to squeeze everyone in.

and to gessians who read this (none whom i know but hey), its also gonna be a byebye hadi thing cuz the dude departs for tekong on the 9th september. haha! BOTAK! ok sorry. couldn't help that.

school tomorrow. and then tuition. lalala.

actually something pretty phwoar happened. but i don't think i'll tell just yet. gotta think this one through.

thank you for waiting

life has been beautiful to my eyes lately. not just great or lovely or nice but beautiful. almost perfect. the suckiest days becomes fine when you enter it. :)

am turning 20 soon. it seems all too fast. was i a teenager for 6 good years? to think of it. from secondary school days till today. wow.

was just talking to hadi. and to think he was my boyfriend in secondary school. what gullible naive things we were back then. and how different we are, things are, now. wouldn't wanna change that for the world...

people who matter stay without you asking them to. people who don't, you won't even notice their departure.

no matter the distance, time and space, you guys are people who matter. who might not be here always but stick around for the shit cuz you want to. so thank you.

growing old, growing old.

its time to sit and think it all through.

one of the more interesting things of 2005 would be me working as a salesgirl. never thought i could do it, not cuz i look down on the job, but i've always thought of myself as too bo chup for it. my point is, "if you want to buy, buy. i'm not gonna wheedle and bargain till you buy it. want it, get it." but lo and behold, not only did i stick with the job, i enjoyed it. i realized how patient i can be, and what ticks me off more than others. goes to show really, that you never know what you're capable of till you try.

so what next, really?

bring it on life, cuz i'm not about to stop living.

not when there's so much going on for me.

thank you dear God. i seek Him at selfish moments and yet He bestow me with His unerring might, always.

just between me and you now...

i'm really happy.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

wahwahwahwahseh

went to work, came back, slept till ten, now here, dinner soon, then an unprecedented full- blown attack on the readings.

nope, not womading. not clubbing either (sorry banana!). i think my party mode/ vibes got fully exhausted yesterday. though womad is the fantastickest thing in the world... i think i might just pass this year's. GASP!

so about last night. so what happened was at 11.20 a.m. i met the maplek at yio chu kang station. not 10 minutes early, but 20 minutes late. upon entering the train, i looked up (yes i know UP, piang eh) at him, grinned and said, "that wasn't too bad." haha.

train down to dhoby ghout where we visited spotlight at plaza singapura. and spent a good hour or so there, being crazy. hahaha. he wanted to stick this huge dragonfly with huge- r wings into my hair! good lord! and there were leaves and plastic fruits and all sorts of gunk. he wanted me to go with a huge- ass red pepper hanging on my head. "it'll just look like i grew an extra ear overnight la."

so in the end i decided on small white dried flowers, velvety green leaves, plastic GRAPES!, and butterflies. all set to be a wood nymph! and as research showed the night before, wood nymphs tend to have animals clinging on to them, and more effectively, suckling their teat. i'm serious. "ahh now i'm all set, all i need is a deer sucking my breast."

upon further exploration of this wondrous shop (i've been there a jillion times and i love crafts but it was super fun yesterday, haha) we discovered... MINI CHICKS! colourful small chicks! all furry and fluffy! and this spawned one of the lamest conversation in the history of mankind, that went on longer than it should have.

"eh, i can like put these in a row behind me, and i can say, 'hey, i've got chicks following me everywhere i go."
"-_-. please. don't be lame can."
"eh really what! many many chicks!"

later at the counter.

"eh! if you heat up the chicks in a microwave, then you can say you've got HOT chicks!"
"hahaha."
*cricket sounds*
"oh my god i've become as lame as you! see la!"

there's more but i'll spare you. with that we finally left spotlight and took a nice long walk down to cineleisure. of course not before fiza almost accidentally strips herself in front of the istana. ohh yeah gotta LOVE wrap skirts. no la actually other girls don't face this problem when they wear wrap skirts. but heyyy i'm cool.

got our tickets and decided on lunch at pastamania. now. the most hilarious thing ever happened here. i made history. the kinda shit that you imagine might happen, and you laugh about it, cuz you think it'll never happen in real life.

SO.

the maplek adores cheese. we go pastamania, he pours the cheese onto his pasta, be it creamy or tomato- based. as for me, most of the time i'm shaking the pepper (more like chilli flakes) shaker crazy. i can see some can tell where this is headed...

he passed lunch yesterday so only i was having the penne arrabiata. as it was pretty tasteless, i sprinkled some cheese after 2 bites. he grins. 3 bites later, more pepper (over and above first shake of pepper upon pasta arrival). he thinks i'm a pepper maniac. just cuz he pours cheese and i don't and i prefer chilli flakes over cheese sometimes. the pasta was just odd that day. particularly bland, that i had to shake the put more chilli flakes for the 4th time...

and i gave it one shake, and POM!

the whole cover comes off, and out comes the entire, and i mean ENTIRE, contents of chilli flakes.

and there was momentary silence, then we burst out laughing and he goes, "well you did say you like pepper."

goodness. and there was my plate of arrabiata buried under a mini- mountain of chilli flakes. fortunately it was only one side of the plate, so i pushed off the pepper and pasta on that side onto a serviette and ate the rest.

then we rushed off for our movie. wedding crashers! funny funny funny. and sweet. sometimes cliche. but look out for hilarious moments. superbly hilarious.

after movie we went home. me with my loot from spotlight. then madness ensued at home as i tried to figure out how to stick em' all into my head.

as shown, i figured it out alright. haha. and then i stuck some leaves onto my shoe straps and i was good to go!

suresh picked me up at almost 7 and then we got stuck in the traffic jam from hell at the CTE. pretty bad drivers out on a friday too. nyeh.

but we got there alright, albeit an hour late. haha. and 10 minutes into arriving i had to set- up for my performance! want to get nervous also no time.

we opened with counting crow's accidentally in love, and in my heart i dedicated it to the sweetest couple i know. ;) then it was aqualung's what a feeling. then bon jovi's i'll be there for you which got some lit- up handphones a- swaying. and killer song would be beatles' hey jude. the last nanananana bit we managed to get a few to sing along. and nothing means good performance like a happy and entertained audience. :D

when i was done my halal food was cold but it didn't matter. i managed to eat some. in between many flashes. apparently a girl in grapes is a girl to snap pictures with, so okay. haha.

then the awards, the presentations, more performances by a saxaphonist (no offence, but he totally killed my ideal that all saxaphonists are hot :( sob) and a chi- pop band. and then they showed a rag video. the whole process of building the float, dance rehearsals, the real thing itself. and then a bit on laremy being an idiot. hahaha. he was imitating last year's rag crawling move, in a more grotesque way (than it already was) while making weird squeaky noises. like, WHATSUP!?!?!

but that was funny. and it was lovely to sit with raggers and laugh and smile again. i am so in love with the rag- bond. ragbond! like contraband! actually not but it was nice to think it was for awhile.

then i had my chocolate cake which was an event stalled by the maplek who insisted that i finished my food. but it was cold! eventually got my chocolate cake which wasn't all too yum anyway. but the banana trifle pudding was good! YUMMMMMMYYYYYY. and gallery hotel is pretty gorgeous.

then there was a bit of salsa dancing and me and suresh ended up dancing rag moves. haha. its like permanently embedded in us or something la. what to do.

the usual photo- taking all around then it was time to go. said our goodbyes, and me being me, realized i was still hungry, so we went down and oh joy! convenience store in hotel lobby. got chips, hello panda and plain water. and off to my favourite park we go!

womad was still going on so we couldn't sit in the green. but it was all good. that way we got snacks AND free music. :))

a chat, laughs, smiles, and soon it was time for home.

with you its different; i'm still discovering the me when i'm with you, in different ways

almost didn't want it to end, such a magical night.

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in the still of the night, in the darkness of life...

you are all i see.

what a night

brilliant night. beautiful. everything. i had a blast though chocolate cake was a little on the dry side. our performance was well- received and HEY i finally performed a beatles number, i can't be happier. and after that, i was at fort canning park, sneaking a preview of womad. i couldn't be happier. really.

snapshots of the night.
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truth be told i am extremely sleepy. but i had a great night. more tomorrow. :)

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thank you.

Friday, August 26, 2005

WOOD NYMPH TAK JADI/ WANNABE ALERT!

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as you can tell, my interpretation of wood nymph was stuff lots of gunk in your hair. hahaha.

and to be precise, gunk is; butterflies, flowers, leaves and A BUNCH OF GRAPES. HAHAHA.

ok gotta go suresh is on his way.

bye!

or as wood nymph would say,

bye! hahahahahaha.

this is post 1025

i bet my blog feels very fully- utilized, over- utilized sometimes. ahh. in econs this is called... something something resources.

few days back i tried to recall an econs term and to my great pleasure it was nearly impossible. i'm glad to know that chapter of my life is OVER!

tonight is usp dinner and dance. i'll go armed with a camera then you see how SERIOUS and SILLY and STUPID and S- anything USPians are. hahaha.

and the reason why i'm up so early is cuz i am gonna watch a movie! WHEE! after YEARS of not watching, ok fine months. weeks. but my point is, YAY MOVIE.

and as we speak, james blunt tells me i am beautiful. james blunt has the voice to make any girl in this world, the happiest.

i like how we can look at each other across a crowded bus and smile in amusement cuz tv mobile played a simple plan song.

i like how life never goes as planned. it reminds me time and again, of His might. when i wander around fort canning park and see huge trees that seems almost surreal, i am reminded of His strength, how He is capable to manipulate nature and mankind such that despite its magnitude, nature is not capable of opressing mankind. only He can make such a huge tree and only He, can make manking so small and so fearless.

and now jason mraz says that him and i both loved... what others just read of...

ahhh lovely. fridays are happy days. cuz there's no school! and today even more so cuz there's DnD and movie to catch. ahhhh. bliss bliss bliss.

i really want to be a writer. the more i think about it, the more it makes sense, and the more unlikely it seems for me to make it as anything else. but... i don't know. i have always been doubtful of local reading culture. i doubt i can survive (financially) if i be a writer here. so now migration issues are at hand. sigh.

and i wish i smoked and was angsty enough. haha. cuz as i tell suresh all the time, writers should be moody and brooding, dark and mysterious, very skeet ulrich/ johnny depp. but i am so... happy. haaa.

but yes back to my point. i wanna be a writer. and if in so doing i'd have to stay elsewhere for a bit then i guess hey, i'll stay elsewhere for a bit. and at least i know my back- up plan (which is probably everyone's back- up plan); teaching. this is my plan, for the days when i'm married with kids and need regular schedules so that life has a sort of system.

but since that isn't happening in quite a while (both the system in life as well as marriage), i have to think of what i want to do, what fulfilling career i seek to last me between now and then. and i want to write! i want to see my book on bookshelves. i want to see my poetry in books. my stories in a nice paperback, and hopefully one day a hardcover. i really really want to be a writer.

i want to write about life. i want to write about the small things in life that everyone has forgotten. simple sadness, simple joy, simple exhaustion, simple laughs. i want to write about the relief of getting to pee after holding it for hours. i want to talk about star- gazing alone and the serenity it brings. i want to write about little things that we do, and how it actually means so much more in the larger scale of things.

and maybe i would. i hope i get to do it. nothing like dying knowing your words are immortalised.

OH! and tonight's dnd theme is mythsterious (i told you, university siao programme one). so i am supposedly going as a wood nymph. ANY IDEA WHAT IN BLUE HEAVEN'S (OR GREEN FOREST'S) DO WOOD NYMPHS LOOK LIKE? AND WHAT DO I WEAR?

ok i am already wearing a green tube dress and presumably that's why they wanted me to be a wood nymph. and i guess flowers in hair is very wood- nymph- ish. but i'm lost beyond that. if you got suggestions do tag. thanks i love you muack muack.

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All I want in life's a little bit of love to take the pain away
Getting strong today, a giant step each day
I've been told only fools rush in, only fools rush in
But I don't believe, I don't believe- I could still fall in love
with you

I will love you till I die, and I will love you all the time
So please put your sweet hand in mine, and float in space and
drift in time
All my time until I die, we'll float in space just you and I
So please put your sweet hand in mine, and float in space and
drift in time

I'll love you to death, I guess that's what you get
And I don't know where we are all going to
Love don't get stranger, it is what it is
And I don't know where we are all going to
Everythung happens today, and that's what you get
And I don't know where we are all going to

Ladies and Gentleman We Are Floating in Space; Spiritualized

p.s: and yes, i've been very fascinated by blue skies lately.

tired out.

but its a good day.

great day.

finally i end the day without thinking, "daniel powter's bad day would be a good song to sing now."

nonono. today is a very good day.

good night!

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

why does it always have to hurt?

some nights the world feels so cold i sit on my chair and hug my knees and rock myself in tears.

i hope you'll remember me, the times we
spent (both good times and bad) and maybe one day we
can be walking down together smiling, laughing crazily
and be happy & living for the moment. i won't forget
and forsake what we've shared and not give it up. take
care my dear.. i love you. and you know that.

"not for all the love in the world... but she didnt realize now that's a lot of love."

as always. always. the hit the thump the pain the tears the wonderment of how incredible your love is and what a waste, such a waste, that i can't love.

can't.

the last time this hit me i felt echoes of memories. this time it hit me and i felt a dull thud as it banged against voids. solid, blank, voids.

her blue sky holiday

there were too many voices that day. from the moment she woke up, all had gone wrong. she stared at her swollen fingers, and wondered how she could have slammed the window on her own hand. was she so distracted from life?

she constantly checked her phone, notebook, and muttered to herself at random; and cursed under her breath.

she sat there before him, and he made her smile, if only for awhile. she gazed with sincere longing at the blue skies high above; her desire to fly free was electric, almost tangible; something tactile and it hung in the air surrounding her like a personal atmosphere.

but she did nothing.

life went on with its random, mundane routine. the pretty palm trees swaying in the breeze; planted neatly in a nice row, annoyed her with its uniformed homogeneity. is difference such a fearfully hated aspect of life?

she sat down, unsmiling. he came and the world was bright again, but only for a moment. he said something, and she laughed.

they found themselves sitting on the carpeted floor of the toys department. he barely minds. she excitedly grasped everything within reach, a temporal escape from the reality that awaits beyond the radii of toys. and soon it was, again, time to part.

a final hug and she was off. a long walk, a sluggish trudge to the next destination.

she looked up again. the sky was still as blue, clouds as puffy. she wondered what tomorrow would bring, she wondered how she would make it through the week. she pondered on events of the day; smirking slightly at remembering her sudden tears.

she kept walking. one foot after the other, it was almost mindless. a mindless physical activity; walking had become so detached from the existence of being. for awhile there was complete silence as her eyes focussed on the vast, open blue sky.

the she heard it, saw it, felt it.

at first a distant shrill noise, screeching; futile rubber skidding on tar. she heard the frenzied shrieks of strangers.

then she saw, from the corner of her eyes, a monstrous beast of metal and glass and hot engine, rushing towards her.

at first the impact; on her left. her knees, thighs, ribs, shoulders, head.

then the sweet melody of crushing metal, tinkering shatter of glass and the raw, crunching sound of bones meeting industrial machine; all blending into a harmonious chorus- jarred against the balmy heated silence of the afternoon.

then it spread, pain filtering through her; pain like fluid flowing through her veins. and she was jolted by this sensation, almost pleasantly, at the sudden realization of feeling. of the sudden reality of existence, that to feel is to live.

pain filtered into her mind, and just before the pain took over her conscious, she felt, and she knew she was feeling, for one last time.

then, aaah. she shut her eyes as her lips curled up, and smiled in sweet relief. this is the end.

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The flames are all long gone,
But the pain lingers on.
Goodbye, blue sky.
Pink Floyd; Goodbye Blue Sky

inspired

ok. i think i know roughly what i wanna do for post- graduate studies. i hope to god i get to do what i want, where i want.

and if it all works out i wish i can be there with you

sooooo. tuesday. hmm. well met suresh for lunch at town. rained. :) the boy travels with an umbrella everyday. heh.

so lunch it was. and as he predicted so wisely, i didn't finish my food. appetite's been down lately. hmm. but nothing good food can't cure. problem is, WHERE'S the good food? hmm hmm hmm?

then it was off to school. tutorials for us both. and that maplek! has! the! same! tutorial! class! as! my! god! of! handsome!

that's it la. i have surrendered myself to an entire existence, an entire sorrowful lifetime full of missed opportunities. EVERYONE has had a class with him except for ME! unfair. oh great sorrow that befalls me now.

then i crashed suresh's history lecture... where i managed to clear 7 chapters of my crapshit innovations text. THE STORY OF ELECTRICAL AND MAGNETIC MEASUREMENTS FROM 500 BC TO 1400S.

fascinating, i tell you.

"so... was there electricity in 500 BC?"

"no la. they only found it quite recently... in chapter 5?"

"oh ok..."

"ya. they were quite stupid back then."

"hahaha give them a break can or not at that time they thought the earth was FLAT la. how can you call them stupid for not discovering electricity?"

in happier news, DnD this friday and i am excited excited excited. i don't know WHY but i am. not cuz i am singing. more on that in a bit. but cuz. dunno la. hehe.

so after his lecture we were both starving. so off to co- op for snacks. then usp block. where me, yc and nicola jammed till 8 plus. and suresh stayed behind and waited. :)) thankee.

and the sweetness of a boy also made me eat. he was already pretty late for home but since he knew i would probably not eat by the time i get home (he's right la, i rarely do, lazyyyy) and we have been starving since lecture ended, he made us alight at bukit gombak and we had some pratas in the cold chilly night.

then i got home, settled lyrical issues, and found out interesting things and got ambushed by many people. no worries, all good.

i am sick. flu, fever and anemic. this shit has got to stop!

school tomorrow. i am beginning to lose track of time. days pass in a blur and each time i lift my head up after the dust settles from the flurry i am always relieved as i say, "ah thursday. week is over." but can't say that now. am too busy for words.

but the time that matters is time with you.

and the time that matters is when everything else fades into silence and all that i hear is your heart thumping and your slow breath descending on my hair. all that time passes and when its just us everything is on hold...

and yet when its time to part i wish every minute could have just stretched... a little longer.

Monday, August 22, 2005

like a pimple on your butt

its no biggie but annoying just the same. anemia is back with vengeance. how ANNOYING.

nothing like an appealing banana- yellow skin to bring in the boys. hooo yeah come get some.

bah.

school was good! had so much fun. laughed hard, and despite that i still got the whole point of the lectures. so all is good. now to clear readings. and to figure out HOW THE HELL to get medic soci readings. maya/ kel, do you still have yours?

band for USP DnD confirmed. a- singing yes i am.

no jokes about people choking on their food or i will one times piak you.

1x piak is my favourite msn phrase. hahaha. for suresh its usually 1000000000x big piak. "that's alot of big piaks." hahaha yes my dear thou art sharp.

so morning was innovations class, i'm making a battery for class! how cool is that. from a lemon. or maybe potato. i haven't decide. and umm then it was methods. and i fell asleep halfway through. then she said we're gonna get a break and i was so happy to hear that i was totally perked up and hence wasn't sleepy anymore hence making break pointless cuz i didn't sleep. but hey i got pastries. i loooooooooove coffee club puffs la. heavenheaven.

by the way i got my dan rhodes anthropology whee oh whee! and the straw men by michael marshall. for $7.95. i rock and you suck balls mwahahaha.

i have an evil empire comprising of starbucks and borders. as of now. and i have a pet lion and cobra. an evil cobra which i stroke after each mwahaha. i think i got this from aladdin. hmm hmm. and my pet lion eat people. and my empire is strong and powerful and i am also king of everything (yes king not QUEEN) and hence i can do anything and am capable of everything. and cuz i am king i cannot get married and i won't have kids so when i die my empire dies with me and so ends civilization as we know it.

such great might. behold my strength oh children of the corn!

i think fatigue is making me high. so where were you while we were getting high?

tomorrow i'm a- heel hunting with suresh who almost passed out when i first suggested JB. he asked if it was impossible to get my heels within the confines of our state. that boy is so pratriotic he freaks me out.

today in the car me and hafiz listened to a malay radio station and WHOOH they played DANGDUT! and the best bit was that i KNEW THE SONG. and SANG ALONG. ohhhhhhh the joy.

and as always in the car i cannot stop switching stations. "wah, if i change my men as often as i change stations ah..."

"you don't meh?"

thanks ah. and 2 months eyyy. we shall SEE! but if you're right also no problem la. hahahaha. ok whatever. you racist, shallow, narrow- minded malai! EJ JETRA EJ JETRA! hahahaahhahaa.

i don't make sense. oh my. anyway after school and before tuition met suresh for what else, pastamania. haha. i wonder if he can live without pasta for a week. guess he could, given army days. but optional? i doubt. that boy's blood is made of cheese. ew. haha.

oh today i told hafiz bout my friend (i can't remember who! if you recognize this story and its you i speak of can you please tell me who you are? i totally forgot. then maybe we can go star in FULL CIRCLE. long- lost friends reunited over blog ho ho ho ho yeaaah) who shitted (shat?) in her pants. and she was wearing this nice stretchy pants. and cuz her shit was wet, so it was kinda like, wet? and gloopy? is that the word? i don't know la. so ya. then cuz she cannot hold it anymore it came out like accidentally, then to hold it right, she crossed her legs (still standing). but cuz of this pressure at the front (where thighs crossed each other) this gloop went to the BACK of the pants and it kinda made the pants stretch around the butt part and then it was pretty obvious there was gloop in there. and i remembered thinking it looked like really really small baby coconuts dangling in her pants but i didn't say it.

instead i said, "hahaha. taik kau terjuntai macam batu ladung."

keep in mind at that point of time i had no idea what batu ladung was but it sounded garang/ fierce. and as i found out today, few minutes ago by googling batu ladung; what i said that day was,

"hahaha. your shit is dangling like a bob of pendulum/ fishing line sinker."

and i shall leave you with that very lovely imagery.

shit dangling like a bob of pendulum.

haha. hooooooooooo yeah.

oh yes and dear friend i've forgotten i hope you don't mind me recounting this story. i mean, technically you're anonymous. and to think this story is stuck in my head you'd think you are too but you're not.

i am so sorry i remember your shit but not you.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

back from borders. i got new books yay yay yay!

i got a whole pile of readings and work to go through. but i will catch up soon promise. to self.

happy happy.

won't blog much. wanna keep this one to myself...

:)

an empty kind of sadness.

an iminent end.

so pointless.

so how.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

and a beautiful one it was

am sleepy and tired and i've got work tomorrow.

what did i do today? i went out with suresh for lunch and borders- ogling. then we read our books (brought, not bought) at fort canning park. ethereal bliss.

then i met banana for chat and people- watching. this is why i'm a soci major la.

tired feet and sleepy eyes, pictures shall spake tonight.

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easy companionship.

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we're normal!

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we bluff you.

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I'm tongue tied
Waiting
Hoping
And praying
Lying
Beside you
Longing
To touch you
Aqualung; Tongue- Tied

Friday, August 19, 2005

TGIF

another friday, another long weekend. but of course there's gonna be work tomorrow and sunday but hey, at least i'm done with school for the week. still got readings to clear though. ahh. all in good time.

cleaned my room! yes after housewarming junk culminated again and clothes were strewn over a looooooong period of time. now i have floor space and i no longer need to do a long jump to get into bed. YAY!

and in more good news, i am meeting the banana today! to, i quote her, "chill." haha. rrrrrrright.

and and and and and that's all. i can't think of anymore. OH. i might be getting a new book too. though i have 4 unfinished books in this room as we speak. but shhh they don't need to know that. i desperately need to buy books because i've got a 20% voucher that expires this sunday. now i say THAT is a good reason to go BOOK- SHOPPING!

a big part of me would love to continue blogging, and i forsee myself blogging pictures of graduation, more travellings, new friends, future boyfriends, potential husbands, the real husband, maybe the wedding, maybe the kids...

but a tiny tiny but loud part of me is getting a bit weary of the ripple effects of blogging. when i first started blogging it was for myself than anyone else. but of course word got around. and nothing is private on the www. to quote mari of little voice, "private my privates!"

and as much as i know i can do self- censorship and hence not talk about things i know might possibly cause ripple effects; then what fun is there in writing?

this is why i blog. cuz i enjoy writing. i want to look for a niche, an audience i can cater to. i like life and i like writing so i decided to combine both.

blogging may have become a hedonistic/ narcissistic/ exhibitionistic egotrip of sorts for some with tagboards, comments section, site trackers and endless opportunities to design templates and slap your own pictures all over the www. i succumbed to such markers of fame (or notoriety) as well but essentially editings to template/ site was for the writings to look better. for the words to have impact on sight, and more, hopefully, upon reading.

but it all evolved further and now blogs seem to translate into self. alot can be read about me here but that doesn't mean there's nothing between the lines. that doesn't mean there weren't words that were typed then backspaced, a whole chunk highlighted and deleted.

what you see here isn't all there is to me. maybe i write some thoughts here then keep some to myself. maybe i give what i think is rational enough, and leave out the disturbing facts.

but people still judge. always will. and though i cease to care sometimes when people closest to you misread you (you here meaning your blog), you wonder if its worth it. if maybe it'd be a whole lot simpler to just end. stop typing for the world.

but i like to see my words. on this spot. i admit if it was just pleasure of typing i need, i would be contented with microsoft words or even just the "compose" page on blogger, never having need to click on "publish post." but i do click that. why? cuz i want to see it here. on this page. with the italicised fonts, underlined keywords, black background and photos top and right.

maybe its an aesthetic thing. the pleasure of not just reading and comprehending what you read but liking what you see. i know this is why though there was a $15.95 dan rhodes as well as an $18.85 dan rhodes of the same title but different publisher, i forked out the extra $3 or so because the cover was much nicer and the fonts were different. as well as the paper.

all said and done, its going to take alot for me to stop blogging. its been two good long years and stopping now just seems pointless. so i'll just take the crap that comes with it, since the goodshit far surpasses everything else.

and how interesting it is that blogging have evolved to be more than just an online diary. in fact i think the term diary is now obsolete in reference to blogging, since essentially diaries are meant to be private. blogging is like drugs, like alcohol, like a fag, like a friend. you binge on it, you crave for it when you miss a day, you relief yourself through it, and most of the times when the servers' good, it is always there for you, never lets you down.

"Her voice was the sweetest music he had ever heard. As she placed a final kiss on his other cheek he gently squeezed her hand and felt the weight of a lifetime of wasted opportunity crash down upon him."
Dan Rhodes; The Carolingian Period

Thursday, August 18, 2005

twenteenth birthday wish

someone asked what i wanted for my birthday. so i shall now hit them all with a LIST! of twenties.

iPod mini in GREEEEEEEN. oh muuuuuuuuuuum!
new glasses. my power increased. sob. i'll be blind by 30.
ankle- length toe socks. as colourful as a rainbow.
liverpool away jersey! GORGEOUSNESS!
toy cars! ala these.

or

this.
books! (to be specified in next list)
life- size Jack (Nightmare Before Christmas) soft toy.
Shoes/ Clothes/ The obvious/ Give/ Vouchers/ I/ Settle. :P
BEEGEES! tribute band, ala last year's beatels. i must go or lest stage suicide.
Harold Pinter's Betrayal by SRT. "An illicit seven-year affair. Three best friends. True love?" OOOOOOOOOH!
tioman. kl. cameron highlands. chiang mai. fort canning.
bags. cuz i just can't get enough of these.
BEATLES anything.
Gilmore Girls/ Felicity/ C.S.I. Dvds
A ride in a convertible! ideally, a mini cooper s cabrio. beetle cabrios are cool too. haa.
X- Box!
CDs (to be specified).
NikeFree sneakers. wooooo pretty pretty.
disney snow globes.
hot funky sex/ you. ;)

hahaha. and now for the 2nd and 3rd parts; which is to specify books/ cds i want. ya i know abit shameless post it all up here but basically what i list here is what i want to get anyway, so its kinda like a checklist for myself too.

Books

bride stripped bare (nikki gemmell)
long way down (nick hornby)
thorn
the pact (jodi picoult)
hundred strokes of the brush before bed (melissa p)
snakes and earrings (hitomi kanehara)
the poet (michael connelly)
the narrows (michael connelly)
anthropology and a hundred other stories (dan rhodes)
a sentimental journey (dan rhodes)
the little white car (dan rhodes)
tell no one (harlan coben)
be honest, you're not that into him either (ian kerner)
its different for girls (jo brand)
all quiet on the western front (erich maria remarque)
James and the Giant Peach (roald dahl; i somehow don't have this!)
Calvin and Hobbes (haha)
The Great Book of Answers (its fun! i love it)
Tis' (frank mccourt)
coma (alex garland)

the sure- loves are dan rhodes, roald dahl, blog- turn- books, michael connelly and harlan coben. and vintage war series. anything to do with WWI/ WWII.

CDs

The Beatles
BeeGees
Abba
The Zutons
Damien Rice
Daniel Powter
Franz Ferdinand
The Bravery
Cake
Dashboard Confessional
Engelbert Humperdinck
Nirvana
HiphopHardII
Muse
The Carpenters
Richard Marx
Jazz In The City
Elvis Presley
Michael Jackson
Michael Learns to Rock

and check this out! i am so going la! and of course there's womad in 2 weeks time. whee oh whee!

as suresh said, that's gonna be a long blog entry (when i told him i'm blogging my lists). haha. well it never killed to be specific. and now that i know all the crap that i want, i can start SAVING up and buying them for myself too.

today is the last day of school for the week. pretty fast. two weeks just flew... holding up pretty well i guess. soon it'll be womad, usp dnd, birthdays, midsem break, exams... flyflyfly.

fallingfallingfalling...

and it feels lovely.

like a freefall from the sky i'm gliding against the wind, rushing past clouds, air slapping my hair into my eyes, causing me to tear, the earth looks so small and distant and foreign and vulnerable, and i smile and i smile and i laugh and i just feel...

happy.

keep holding my hands
and don't let it go just yet
cuz when all this madness overwhelms
when tears threaten to spill
when everything becomes nothing
these locked fingers
are all i need to smile and say,

"that wasn't too bad."

wild thing, you make my heart sing

happy.

hahaha. seems like these days i can't type an entry without using that word at least a gazillion times.

well cors screwed up as usual and what is new. those affected by it today, do click the link in previous entry. we have to end this madness. and to those unaffected cuz har dee har har you went in at 9 a.m. and beat the rest of us, don't be an eejit, one day one fine sem you'll be like us, so GO sign petition.

so.

aside from that. school began at 10 a.m. as i tried to grapple with bazookaed concepts of physics. relativity of time motion space and the principles of simultaneity. altogether now, HUH?!

once more, with feeling.

HUH?!

then it was crashing time! sn1101e. the videos are good. i like i like. and i get to do my readings there. with hafiz and suresh sandwiching me. oh happy days.

then we tried to log on to cors for an hour despite our stomachs rousing disagreement. we eventually gave up and had lunch at gecks.

then suresh went back and i had one more lecture... medical soci. i see what maya and kel meant by boring. the TOPIC is boring. the lecturer is still okay. but the content is so mundane... ahhh... and today the hot eurasian keegan kang lookalike didn't come for lecture, all the less reason to stay awake. bah.

dizzie drove me to bishan, took a lil walk around junction 8, then off for tuition. girl genius. yayness. i dropped the other girl. the one who doesn't do my homework. double yay!

mum hand- fed me. hahaha. cuz i was too lazy. and now i'm doing the bloody experiment for innovations class. magnets are VICIOUS. these are so strong they SLAM into each other and bits actually disintergrate. like WHATTHEFUCK.

and since its super tedious and difficult and irritating to keep separating the magnets, i've to hold the magnet (during my exepriment) in such a way that i wrap the magnet with my fingers. and the bloody magnet it attracts? SLAMS into my finger. PAIN LA. wah LAO. crazy. magnets. terrible. monstrous. GAHHHHHHHH.

and i'm already sleepy. but experiment not done. cheesepies. haha. i miss peejay. cheesebuns! no not the cheesebuns. were there any in the first place? ok lost.

ummmmm.

i am sleepy. oh nooooo. magnets... are.... calling... me.... now.... but... i......

can't open my eyes. oh god.

last day of school tomorrow though. for the week i mean. yay!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

my dear fellow schoolmates,

let's all do ourselves a favour.

click here.

its been a tiring day and without a doubt, frustrations due to the most WTF system in the history of instituitional education lent a huge hand.

stand up make some noise.

you see what you want

read this anyway you want. open to intepretation. everything. about life. and this blog too.

life has been kind as always.

met the maplek and was 35 minutes late. he took it well. he's getting used to it i think. haha. so we were off to funan, bought laptop cover, ate at swensens, walked around raffles city... then off to school. where i crashed his history lecture. lockhart dude is pretty funny! but i miss dubois and gang. hoo well.

then mum suggested fig & olive dinner. HOOOOOOOOO yeah. so me and maplek went BACK to city hall. hahaha.

walked to hotel rendezvous then discovered a little treasure of a cafe near it. really spacious, rather empty at that time, and i just fell in love with it. i had iced horlicks! HO HO HO HORLICKS!

and NOW my mouth is full of bread and nutella. oh heaven.

but anyway.

so we sat there and just talked... till he was a bit late and mum was almost there. :) thanks for the company. and chat. and everything la.

mum came and we went to fig. its nice! first time there. and the waiter is cute. HAHAHA. but mum warned me against it. like as if i needed reminding of my colourful past with waiters. humph.

dinner was good, but we got full real fast. then it was quickie shopping at raffles city. and i got a watch! she got a hair tie. AND i am SO buying this top from mango cuz its so pretty. mwahahaha. who cares if i got no occassion to wear it?!

its gorgeous and the maplek said so too! and he is learning fast. he can point out which tops are 'me' and not. like hafiz dizzie! hahaha! so fun!

anyway while waiting for mum in front of hotel rendezvous a black dude winked at me. at first when i glanced at him he was winking and i didn't notice it. then i thought hey he looked weird. so i looked again and he winked again and fiza's thoughts= OMIGOD HE WINKED AT ME.

quickly look in opposite direction and stare intensely at road. yesyes. my mum says she never worries about me becoming SPG cuz i have NO idea how to flirt with ang mohs anyway. she's probably right la.

my thoughts no longer has chronology.

i am a happy bunny today. some of you know why. in fact, two, ok maybe three, know why. the rest who don't too bad la. haha. some things cannot tell the world one right?

but this happiness is drug- free and i'm not a kleptomaniac. this happiness is mine and i hope you share it. :) and at random; BID FOR TUTORIALS TOMORROW PEOPLE! haha ok.

school has been a blast.
life has been kind.
i am loved,

and that's more than i can ever ask for in this lifetime.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

i woke up TOO early and so i came online, meddled here and there this and that and now...

i am going to be LATE in meeting the maplek.

hahaha.

gone la. hopeless!

tuesdays are my free day. at least until tutorials start. then it'll be alternate weeks. but hoooooooo well i'd live with it cuz i'vegot my 3- day weekend again yay me!

okok better go wait the maplek angry.

hush now

mild monday blues settled in earlier. got lost for class this morning! last week it was in the USP block, but this week onwards its at bloody engin. nothing personal against them, they're great people, but GOD must the bloody WS2 building be so deeply embedded in the entire engin faculty like a nation's secret? as i told hafiz, its as if they're keeping nathan's clone there. no offence against him too, good on ya, another 6 good years to come but DAMN i wanted that public holiday.

so anyway i was so pissed cuz i was circling the building for the 3rd time (yes i eventually FOUND the building then the issue of ENTERING it. -____-. really. ENTERING it. why make it so inaccessible??? this is a bloody school! HELLO?!) and i could not find any way of ENTERING it. and cuz i was wearing black and the sun was decidedly hot and shiny i was a sweltering, sweating, angry pig.

and cuz i hate sweating so early in the day and the fact that nus has to be built on a bloody MOUNTAIN i was cussing under my breath all the way as i circled the bloody thing like it was the kaabah. and some nice sweet gentle engin dude noticed my increasing exasperation and possibly heard my "what the fuck... what the fuck... what the fuck..." and summoned the courage to come to me and ask me if i needed help. it took all i had in me to not just kiss him when he sent me to the class i was meant to be in 5 minutes earlier. god bless you nice engin boy.

after that me and joyce had to rush off for soci methods lecture. we WALKED out of the nation's secret building and pounded pavement and grass and when we eventually saw roads and buses and people, we actually exclaimed, "AHH! civilization!" heh.

so had our lecture... i got out to get coffee and cheesey mushroom puff during break. yum.

then pop cult lecture... not before dizzie took his sn1101e coursepack and read through it briefly, to me, out loud, in a terrible indian accent. that boy is gonna be beaten up in south asian tutorials i swear.

when it was all over i was immensely reliefed. today felt terribly long. fetched suresh at the usual bus stop, and we were dropped at bishan as always. lots of laughs in car. as usual. :) i love you boys.

cuz i was starving and suffering from extreme hunger (only according to me), me and the mapley went for desserts at deli bistro. had creme brulee. nothing is BAD there la. i love love love desserts! goooooooooooooo desserts!

then it was tuition. girl genius is only a pleasure to teach la. such ease. then when it was all over i went home... rested a bit... chatted for a bit... checked mail... readings to loan from RBR. then macs admiralty to meet lesbonbon. and catch up. catch up we did. :)

there's a calm sense of happiness where i am right now.

why and how is none of your business.

:)

Monday, August 15, 2005

elated

does it matter who/ what is making me happy?

is it not enough that i am?

how many can be sincerely happy for me, and how many would first question, why?

i wish i could tell everyone, someone, anyone, why i am so happy but i doubt anyone would get it.

so i will keep it to myself cuz its easier that way.

and hence my happiness is only mine. and no one can take it away.

i'm sorry if this hurts you. or anyone else. sometimes i feel my happiness is always in sacrifice of someone else's.

cuz you can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable, life's like an hourglass glued to the table, no one can find the rewind button now, so cradle your head in your hands, and,

breathe... just breathe...

Sunday, August 14, 2005

i am happy.

anyone knows the score?

no idea what's the current score. for man u everton, liverpool and boro... stress stress.

PARTY WAS A BLAST.

laremy; you're a great host and your mum is the sweetest thing.

food was great, thanks for the kind understanding. vegetarians, muslims, non- muslims, everyone were full by the end of the day.

sitting together and laughing was fun. minus the pressure of rag. minus pressure of performing, we make great friends. i love love love you raggers. never laughed so much and so hard in a day. at one point i just sat cross- legged on the floor cuz i got tired of laughing. haha. boredin, qingru, nagoor, jamie, eugene, laremy, ailing, fusta... aiya everyone la! raggers rock. university sexy programme. hoo yeah.

again, am the only malay girl in the group. can derive only joy from that. heh. you guys are a bunch of bollocks balls of fun. hahaha.

ended work at 6.30 p.m. sharp and rushed home, changed, and suresh was already waiting for quite a bit by the time i went down. hehe. drove to laremy's. not bad, we didn't get lost. but there's still a chance, so don't get cocky just yet!

lots of laughter. at one point sam and laremy strummed the guitar and we played some songs. i sang. heh. might be singing for usp dnd too, if all goes well.

i can't think much. i am just very very happy right now. i can't explain it. i really like where i am, what i do, who i am, who i meet, who i am close to.

highlight of the party would be the food, the company, the one group shot that had us all in stiches, and of course, the rag video. watching what we shared together, did together, trained for together immortalised in video was bliss. it felt great. we looked great. the energy high from the performance came rushing back and i realized that is why our bond is unbreakable, cuz that pain and suffering and impetous success thereafter cannot be replaced or extended to outsiders. its ours alone. beautiful.

after rag video and more laughs, we eventually left, each promising and hoping for another rag gathering. heh.

suresh drove me back and now i am here.

happier than ever.

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didnt believe in destiny
I look up you're standing next to me
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, i don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine
And it's brighter than sunshine

I never saw it happening
I'd given up and given in
I just couldn't take the hurt again
What a feeling

I didn't have the strength to fight
Suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine
Brighter Than Sunshine; Aqualung

happy song, happy day, happy person.

.......and its brighter than sunshine.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

good morning singapore!

my my i'm a chipper today. nothing is going to make me sad today, am going to work in a while, open up the shop, sell things, teach the new girl, leave exactly at 6.30 p.m. to reach home ASAP so that i can change up and bathe and go to laremy's in time for man u vs. everton match. and meet raggers. yeahyeah.

i just had a very funny dream. in my dreams i was apparently travelling to alot of places to settle several things, i can't remember what, and i was taking a cab. and farhana accompanied me. so anyway after everything was done i dropped her off somewhere, and then the cab went on.

then while we were waiting for our turn at a junction or summat, i saw the guy on a motorbike in front of us turn behind, look up, and smiled. so i sticked my head out of the cab window. and WAH! fireworks!

YES FOLKS, I HAD FIREWORKS IN MY DREAMS. i have NO idea the significance of that. haha.

there was the usual fireworks, all bursting and starry. then suddenly got shaped fireworks that could hold its shape for a few seconds in the air. and they were by "sponsors"! haha. as in they were pictures of the coca- cola symbol, a picture of kinder bueno bars, and Qoo. can't remember the rest. yes i dreamt of fireworks shaped like these things.

its just beginning to occur to me this might be related to the semiotics reading i did yesterday. of signifier, signified and signs. but whatever.

so i was all ooh- aah- ing at the fireworks then i heard the engine died and i just ignored it. the fireworks went on and suddenly i heard a voice, "excuse me, please start your engine and move on." silence. "excuse me, sir, please start your engine."

i turned around and my cab driver had stopped the cab! as in turn off engine, inclined his seat, and took a little NAP! while i was looking at fireworks!

hahaha. what nonsense. and the traffic police looked at me pointedly so i cleared my throat. he woke up. and for some weird reason, i remember this; my cab driver has really blue eyes. not deep, mythical blue, but eerie, wizard- like ice blue.

and then as he drived on i was picturing myself in cars. all my life. and of course i thought of the different guys i've dated who drove me about. or could drive but i never got into the car of. i remembered hakim, for some weird reason (have only been in a car with him once). i think at this point i was half- awake (it was almost time to wake up anyway) and i guess mentally i was pretty conscious, cuz in the dream and in reality, i try to figure out how i feel for someone by imagining how i'd feel if he tried getting intimate. so there i was trying to recall someoone whom i liked, and would i mind if he drove me around and at any point reached over his hands and pat my arms or thighs or anything.

and in this dream, i went through quite a bit. first to pop up was hakim, and in that dream i recall i was very comfortable with him (as i was in reality). then i was trying to remember who i like at the moment (in reality) so as to test out how i feel. i imagined FAIDZAL (i swear the jacket incident is haunting me) and in that DREAM, i recoiled. hahaha. as in when i imagined if he tried being intimate in the dream, i wasn't comfy. at all.

then i was trying hard as i could to recall someone i had a crush on at the moment. and of course najib crossed my mind but i couldn't imagine much of him. then i kept telling myself try to remember (i guess when you're half- conscious your memory is half as good) and i was even telling myself, its a guy from school. come on. who is it?

so that was when i woke up.

anyway i recall the guy now so all is cool. i just think i really should take a module someday about dreams. or read sigmund freud. cuz my dreams are good shit. i always have this blurred boundaries between dreamlike state and conscious reality. and i tend to drift between the two. and sometimes i am really conscious and aware in the dream, in a sense i almost instruct or direct my 'dream' self on what to do, what to think. good shit!

if you don't agree then too bad.

have a great saturday. i know mine's gonna be good. cuz God is kind, and since the entire week has been rather shitty, a nice weekend is only much- deserved.

ooooooh yeah.

Friday, August 12, 2005

everything is nothing

have been doing readings. wah lao. so THICK la this sem's texts. diediedie.

i got so boh liao, i wikipedia- ed random things. and i think this is very interesting.

excerpt.

? Platonic love is an affectionate relationship into which the sexual element does not enter (sexual element does not ENTER. GEDDIT?!?! hahaha), especially in cases where one might easily assume otherwise.
? Non-formalized intimate relationships or long term relationships such as loving relationships or romantic relationships with or without living together; the other person is often called lover, boyfriend or girlfriend (not to be confused with just a male or female friend), or significant other.
? Soulmates, individuals who are intimately drawn to one another through a favorable meeting of the minds and who find mutual acceptance and understanding with one another. Soulmates may feel themselves bonded together for a lifetime; and, hence, they may be sexual partners but not necessarily.
? Casual relationships, relationships extending beyond one night stands that exclusively consist of sexual behavior, the participants of which may be known as fuck buddies or friends with benefits when limited to considering sexual intercourse or sexual partners in a wider sense.

nice to know 'fuck buddies' is an internationally recognized and acclaimed term.

readings aren't too bad. mum even popped in to make sure i was really reading, cuz i was laughing alot. couldn't help it. am reading pop cult readings, on the topic of semiotics. signs, signifier, signified, etc.

and here's what they say of the romans (in film).

... in... Julius Ceasar, all the faces sweat constantly.... Sweat is a sign... Of moral feeling. Everyone is sweating because everyone is debating something within himself;.... in the locus of a horribly tormented virtue,... very locus of tragedy... TO SWEAT IS TO THINK.

and the best bit?

In the whole film,... one man (who) does not sweat... Caesar. Of course, Caesar, the object of the crime, remains dry since he does not know, he does not think...

of course i can be an intellectual undergrad and nod agreeably and sagely to all this information (i DO get the point la ok.) but sometimes you have to take life lightly, and laugh a little. so i laughed. and couldn't stop. haha.

so my friends, when you do readings, MAKE SURE YOU SWEAT. if you don't, you just did a CAESAR! haha i forsee so many opportunities for corny jokes in this. oh bless thee roland barthes for writing such a fascinating article.

mum came back with banditto. earlier on i had pizza with suresh at lot 1. i tell you the new triple cheese pizza is good shit. but the regular- sized was too much for even us both. its meant for 3 la, with all that cheese. seriously its damn filling.

after yonks of leaving behind my little neighbourhood i once called home... returning to choa chu kang was poignant. the train station, the mall, the fast food joints, the entire place. the feel of that place. the memories. the pain. the many stoned walks i had in lot 1 (i seem to spend alot of time alone wandering in neighbourhood malls. hmm). and interestingly, all of this is poignant, all of this hits me, sends a cranial message, only in retrospective.

maybe its human nature to attach emotions to things which you feel you ought to even if at first- hand experience you felt zilch.

tomorrow is rag partayyyyyyy. whee whee whee! am making fried macaroni. suresh is having his MUM make sandwiches. CHEATING! and its SANDWICHES. a KID can make that himself. but hey its suresh the caveman we speak of here so hooooo well. :D

am opening the shop tomorrow, been awhile since i went to work there. miss it a little. i wonder if they got new stuff! and they got new stAff. whom i gotta train tomorrow. why me? and they have ladened me with the responsibility of pushing for sales tomorrow. there's alot of tomorrows' in this paragraph. hmm.

i don't have a song for the moment. nothing apt to describe how i feel, think, am. or maybe i feel, think and am,
nothing.

now, now

what bliss is this? up on a friday, with little else to do. :)

will probably go get food in a bit... then come back home and do some readings. think of the experiment i have to present next thursday. (like what THE man. make your own magnet and see if it works. HUH?! can i just make a toy car?)

my modules so far have been relatively fine. sociology modules, as usual, are great. doing methods of social research, popular culture and medical soci. all 3 have nice professors. but i think chua beng huat would have been a better pop cult lecturer. but its ok. roland talentino is pretty cute and his tagalog accent is just sexy. the makings of the perfect lecturer i tell you.

my usp modules are the tougher cookies this sem... innovations in technology and time. for innovations, the TEXT is a book called the story of electrical and magnetic mesurements. YES. how weooow can it get. as for time, i think i've mentioned how its a level 3000 and a course- based module and has 3 parts. so now we're doing the physics and there's law of motion, relativity of motion, principles of natural motion, and inter alia. the sicko in me just love the strain all the formulae and foreign gunk this module does to my brain.

fell asleep and woke up to diana krall. ahhh lovely.

i don't like it that people to understand me, fail, then claim that i'm difficult to understand. i think far from demanding, all i want is for people to just get on with their own lives and let me be. i will never ask anyone to understand me. the only person who understands me best lapses sometimes too, and totally misses the point. like few days ago. i told her about my decision, what i feel and think, and she totally didn't see WHY i would feel and think such and attacked me for being selfish. at times like that you feel hollowed out and very lonely, the rare times when i feel truly alone in the world, cuz suddenly you realize that this time really NO ONE understands.

and that's when you are most lonely. when there's a thousand voices telling you why and how and who and what and this and that and not one, not one of them, hears yours.

solitude on the other hand, is a precious gift that i think i was born with. i would, forever and always, appreciate the fact that i was born the only child, that from young, my parents instilled in me a fierce independence that ensured i survived in a dog- eat- dog world, simply by sticking by to a simple rule; don't get too close to the dogs. don't let the dogs hurt you.

when tuition was cancelled last night i walked around a bit at northpoint since i was already there. i like being by myself. to just enter and leave a shop, to stay if i want, to leave if i please. to keep my thoughts to myself, to not have to keep talking and smiling and gestulating and ensure some other person is enjoying my company. i enjoy how i consciously think, how i am AWARE of what i'm thinking about, about the light, casual steps i take. i like the easy smiles i throw to kids, to salesgirls. i enjoy the feel of the texture of textiles i touched, i cast my eyes upon sights and sights of lights and window display.

on my own. i like it on my own, when everything i do affects me and me alone. maybe this makes me selfish and self- centred. but i think people who do know me and got close enough knows that if you need me, i'll give an arm and a leg to be there as soon as i can and give you the help you need. you want me there i wll be, as long as you say the word. if you don't feel like saying it, talking about it, the last i would do is push it out of you.

maybe there's alot more people out there trying than i think. maybe all of you are trying to understand me. maybe i am making it difficult by constantly changing. but change is the only constant. and my constant changes are a part of me and hence something to understand too. and i never seek complete understanding from anyone. all i want is tolerance. ignorance, if it must be. but just let me live.

cuz i make my own rules, i cut my own deals, i see things my own way and i make my own lists of things to smile about.

none of which you might be able to even start comprehending but STOP.

you don't have to. its ok. if you efforts at comprehension means constant tension, means frustration, stop.

i said if life was a job, i quit. i am the last person in the world to want to end my life but yesterday i felt close to it. is that how it is? is that what is supposed to happen in the process of understanding me?

we are all tired. and i am tired of hearing everyone say they are tired of trying. cuz i never made you try and though i appreciate it so much that you did, its ok to give me up, its ok to let me down, gently or not.

i haven't been through all the shit in life and i know life has got more instore for me. so just throw it to me. deal me the cards and i'll be off. leave me. strand me on a foreign island alone with nothing without food nor company. but just let me be. when i'm alone, no one will be affected if i start eating the barks of trees. or blades of grass. if i start drinking sea water. if i start tanning naked. hedonistic? maybe. but why fault me for it? did you have expectations of me? prior? did you think i wasn't going to be a hedonist? did you think i was something else? are you disappointed i am not what you want me to be? are you annoyed i insist on being what 'i' want 'me' to be?

when i am alone all is just me and Him, and that's betweeen me and Him alone. my flaws my faults my sins my wrong- doings, are all His matters.

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
This seems real to me

You love me but you dont know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just Let me go...

so.

actually was in a pretty crap mood. so i downloaded my secondary school anthem.

oulda been born on the Milky Way
Wanna belong to the world today
Oh, Life's a bitch and then ya die
Shoulda been born on the Milky Way
Can't believe what I heard today
Oh yeah, Life's a bitch and then ya die

then iTunes, ever the guiding light of my life, played...

When the moon hits your eye like a big-a pizza pie
That's amore
When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine
That's amore

Bells'll ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling
And you'll sing "Vita bella"
Hearts'll play tippi-tippi-tay, tippi-tippi-tay
Like a gay tarantella

When the stars make you drool joost-a like pasta fazool
That's amore
When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet, you're in love
When you walk in a dream but you know you're not dreamin', signore
'scusa me, but you see, back in old Napoli, that's amore

so back in good mood.

class at 2, ended at 4. had lunch... nice talk. walk. happy.

no tuition. when life slaps you around with a trout,

you fight back with retail therapy.

i got myself a 1952 citroen 2CV and a limited edition VW karmann ghia coupe. i rock i know.

once i hit 10 i'll post pics of alllllllll my cars. haha. all seh...

being happy takes effort now.

but some people think i have it all easy.

though i got great friends. thank you all.

saturday is rag party. something to look forward to.

little else here to smile about.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

this night feels so familiar.

to listen sad love songs and let it tear me apart again. go through archives, pictures, memories, just to let it rip me apart a little so that i know what it means to feel.

a ritual. of guilt. or wondering if i might regret this. again. if i made another stupid choice. if i can be brave enough to make that step away. if i can really do this. guilt. for not staying to make you happy. guilt for staying to make you happy in the first place. confusion. cuz i will never what is the right reason to stay and the only reason i can think of is not the reason why i did.

it'll be so much easier if we wanted the same things. but i'm not there where you are. i can't think and feel like you.

i like it when the tears flow and the sobs wrench me. when i hear short sharp gasps it reminds me of pain that i rarely feel.

the saddest songs. with lyrics that sear and embed itself. your face. that reaches out to me and asks to be touched. past entries which begged to be read. memories that sought reminisnicing. old scars that seeked to be opened again. hello scabs.

sayangnya, harapan yang selama ini kubawa
hancur berkecai musnah jua akhirnya
semuanya bagaikan sebuah mimpi...
kau pergi jua
setelah cintaku ini membara
belum sempat ku curahkan kasihku
kau pergi, tak kembali...

if you think i can't be hurt, well here's proof i can. if you think i don't feel, here's evidence i do.

i wish we could be happy. simultaneously. but somehow one has to forsake the other. such is life. and will we always have to do this? take turns to make each other happy? how long before the guilt bites me up inside and i cave in and we go through it all again? who shall give in next? how long can this go on?

ingin ku sunting mu menjadi milik ku... lantas ku abadikan didalam jiwaku.

times like this i'm not too sure if i can just be strong and fight the battle i started. i wish things were different but consequence of events led to this and so much has to change for now to be any different so i guess this is best it can get.

a part of me will always wish i could own you forever. when guilt seeped in, when jealousy and insecurity finally returned for its next run, i told myself to just have faith and let it be. if its meant to be we will be. i have that much faith. i have that much to give right now.

faith faith faith.

that's all i have now i think.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

cuz sometimes pain is the easiest to feel and hide

not all of me is here all the time.

i don't wish for the world to understand me cuz that's not what its here for. i smile cuz that's easier than answering why i'm not. i laugh cuz that's easier to stop than tears.

24 hours in a day, you can wallow it all away. or you can live.

i made my choice, don't fault me for it.

swimming against the currents
why keep pushing
why fight on
why keep moving
if the wind is blowing?

let the world crumble around you
let the sky melt down
liquified pulp.
leave the sun to shine;
or the clouds to cry
let the flowers bloom
or the trees, die.

before they sap dry, save it
keep it to yourself, no one's fighting for it.
smile when asked, hide the frowns that come
throw your fears to the wind;
live- cuz then you're breathing.

enough of this mopey shit, time for some brain teasers.

mr goh and mr (w)ho(re) has some apples. if mr goh sells 60 apples per day and mr ho sells 30 apples per day, mr goh will have 400 apples left when mr ho has finished selling all his apples. if mr goh sells 30 apples per day and mr ho sells 60 apples per day, mr goh will have 700 apples left when mr ho has finished selling all his apples. HOW MANY APPLES DOES MR GOH HAVE?

day 2!

with sudden gravity i realized i have a lecture from 4- 6 today. silly me. thought i ended at 12. well 2, if you count the fact i crash nassar's, hafiz's and suresh's south asian lecture. its quite interesting! should have taken it instead of malay studies. but life goes on.

so tuition had to be postponed to after maghrib. so now i am home cuz lecture ended early and dizzie drove me back. thanks sweets. HHAHAHA. CAN I BLOG ABOUT IT PLEASE? please? i promise i won't make you sound stupid.

so anyway as always when he drives, i become the official radio station selector. and as always, i can never decide. so i will keep switching it till i find a nice song. then today they played simple plan whom i think are annoying and whiny but since dizzie likes them cuz he thinks he can relate and i LOVE shouting angsty songs on our rides back, we sticked to it.

as known the chorus goes something like this...

To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

well my version is more... "TO BE..... TO BE.... TO BE... TO something something! something something!" and so on and so forth.

and then on the 4th rousing chorus or some shat, the dizzie one went...

"to be hurt! to feel lost! to be left out in the dark! to be KICKED! *choke* *cough cough cough*"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. kanasai make me laugh so hard. then he was coughing and choking and all i could do was laugh like crazy. and then he said, "laugh la laugh. if i die how?"

WHICH OF COURSE MADE ME LAUGH HARDER LA! hahaha. then i imagined him choking to death in the car with me in it and laughed some more. i'll prolly just hold the steering wheel and curse him for chosing such bad timing. hahaha.

but anyway all is well he didn't die and i got home safely. i think its time we stop listening to angsty songs on our ride home la. driving hazard you know!

first class for day 2 was my core- based module, a level 3000 module on Time. physics/ history/ literature. guess which 1 of the 3 i am going to whine about.

haha. 1st lecture about physics already! can die la! i was so lost. but i took notes, and i will go get the readings and such soon and HOPEFULLY then i will be more equipped for such sudden attacks of einsteins and newtons.

'second' class was south asian lecture. which i crashed. but found tremendously interesting. and the lecturer looks like colonel sanders. MR KFC! then i had a kfc craving. then later outside while waiting for suresh to get his course pack a teaching assistant came up to our group and asked us how we found the lecture, and did "colonel sanders bore you to death?"

hahaha so we're not alone la. but nassar pushed the lame- factor by declaring the lecture "not finger- lickin' good." -______-

after that lecture i thought i could go home but of course i had a 4- 6 lecture i totally forgot about. so we headed to science for lunch. and then i got ice- cream from nuh 7- 11! whee!

then i went to co- op to get my texts and coursepacks. all thick. i am so gonna be floundering in paper this sem. but then again, i am supposed to be, arts student and all. cockanaden la.

tomorrow there's only 1 class. cuz tutorial for my innovations class starts next week. dum dee dum dee dum.

i'm very happy cuz i finally gave dizzie faidzal's jacket so that he can return it to him when he collects his macromedia programme. i hope that means a grand end to this fiasco. hehe. was telling suresh about it last night. he thinks its funny. i curse him with a psycho stalker who shall follow his every step! mwahahaha.

i forgot to mention my najib sighting on monday. yea he is like a rare bird. an owl, if you will. haha. anyway i saw him, lost my mind for 3 minutes, heartbeat stopped and raced simultaneously causing quite a ruckus in my innards, and looked down sharply so that my hair covered my face. :D

i love how silly i become when around him. i feel like i'm 12, crushing on the hot senior. hooooo well. and best bit of it all is he doesn't know me. so its all good baby!

tuition at 7.30 p.m. but i'm already sleepy. oh woe is me.

but never mind. THE MONEY SHALL DRIVE ME.

i wish money had a car.

don't know where this leads, don't know where i want it to go.
why steer while the wind blows?

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

i can't take my eyes off you

song has a new meaning now.

met rag people, k- boxed, which was pretty funny, watched truth about love which is like a less star- studded closer, then caught fireworks.

beautiful beautiful beautiful.

tonight was lovely.

anyway mayday. but all will be well i guess. to you, i am deeply sorry. i really can't and we'll see where fate brings us. thank you for everything, it never ends here. and you know it.

the fireworks were gorgeous. like golden rainfall.

Monday, August 08, 2005

You

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I’ll always love
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I’ll always love

I’ll be there as soon as I can
But I’m busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
he could never be as good as you

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one I’ll always love

I’ll be there as soon as I can
But I’m busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

I’ll be there as soon as I can
But I’m busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

Before you
Muse; Unintended

ah well.

school was good.

straight lectures from 10 -4 and it was over before i knew it.

rest now till tomorrow then back at it on wednesday.

big things on my mind right now.

umm. ya.

school, finally!

was planning to blog more pics and such, but then i realized the time and i hafta wake up early tomorrow so no go as yet.

wah i am damn excited for school can? really excited. i feel a wee bit silly for that but aiya. i am easily amused/ contented/ pleased.

so finally woke up today after crashing on my bed from 5 p.m.- 9 a.m. went to work, 10.30- 6.30 p.m., then yishun northpoint cuz i needed to do some last minute back- to- school shopping. and yeah i got what i wanted.

and cuz suresh wants to buy my wireless router and was planning to drop by my place, he fetched me from northpoint and we went to my place. took his router, chatted for a bit, then he went back home.

then some tv, and eat lamb chop that my sis made. yum and spicy. i like. ;)

i have a very pretty orange pencil case. complete with a picture of a vespa. yay me!

dum dum dum shall sleep la. sleep soon wake up soon tomorrow comes sooner school starts sooner meet everyone sooner and etc etc etc.

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY MONDAY!

good night everyone and have a greaaaaaaaaaaat week!

Sunday, August 07, 2005

wow

got home at 5 plus yesterday and all i could afford was a change of clothes and taking out of my lenses. thank god i bathed in school.

with that i passed out on my bed till about, well. now?

rag was glorious fun. i had the time of my life, i think so did other raggers. smiles, laughter, joy everywhere. all the work and effort put in shone through and though we didn't win anything, i would give anything to go through it all again.

so last you saw me i was a- baking on a friday. then i had to change and pack up cuz i was meeting suresh at 7 p.m. for dinner. then we had dinner at marche (yay!) and a lil' trip down to borders. met banana there for a bit then we were off to school.

got there and slacked for a bit, played some songs from iTunes, had some brownies... then news came through- FULL DRESS in 5 minutes. several weren't up to it. but we were also celebrating prof. teo's birthday along with this presentation so we ah-well- ed and went through with it.

lifted the tables and chairs and went down. cakes, pizza, drinks, all prepared. several USP members were there, either to help with the backdrop or to provide moral support. felt nice. like last year. i like that about USP.

signed cards, sealed, surprised prof. teo, sang happy birthday, cut the cake, then it was SHOWTIME!

and lo and behold she made us run through it FIVE times. that was pretty exhausting to say the least, and provided a huge avenue for several possible, potential future injuries. but ah well. dance comprised of lifts, and by 3rd lift the guy on my left almost dropped me and i had to (literally) cling on to suresh for dear life, and on 1st and 3rd tries i totally miss my hands- on- guy's- knees cartwheel resulting in weird turns and no legs in the air and missing timing and very peeved fiza.

by 4th and 5th times all was fine... talked a bit more to other USP people, ate a bit, then it was back up to the room for some shut- eye. i was craving badly for iced coke and so me and suresh went down for some. god bless vending machines. then while we were at it, i gave my lil' freshie a tour of nus. barefooted. hahaha. showed him LT8- 13. though LT13 is under construction. and showed him useful shortcuts. boy is all set, to get lost come monday. hahaha.

then we walked back to the room where most were fast asleep and as we weren't planning on sleeping, we took my laptop and brownies and tiptoed down to 4th floor. brownies, john mayer/ daniel powter/ damien rice. talked for a bit... then it was 3.30 a.m. and time for make- up.

since the musical i am used to thick stage make- up and kinda knew what to expect. same could not be said of fellow raggers. hahaha. their shock upon seeing the pancake on their faces were priceless. essentials of stage make- up: skin colour on arms and skin colour on face SHALT NOT be the same. heh heh.

and since i was quite sure of what was going on i helped to foundation- loose powder the boys. had to ask them all to sit when i did it since i am so petite, to quote yc. haha. nianlong was sleeping in his chair when i did his make- up. that boy is an army regular but i bet he'll sleep right through a bomb explosion.

4.30 a.m. the whole bunch of us trudged down to the sports rec. centre. trust me, at 4.30 a.m., if you had seen us, you must have thought you were having the kinkiest NIGHTMARE ever. imagine girls skimpily clothed, but with white shirts over it. with colourful wigs, and some with halos, some with devil's horns. and some like me, with the shirt covering her entire outfit so it looked like she wasn't wearing anything underneath. to a mere passerby i was a girl with thick make- up in her boyfriend's white shirt in white heels strutting down the streets. tsk tsk tsk.

5 a.m. we had our dry run. then some peeing, some munching, then 7.45 a.m. news came in of the float pre- judging. with this pre- judging it also means dancers have to pose at the float for 5 minutes. frozen. no movement.

my pose was holding on the yi zheng and with an arm out flared as well as my left leg pointed at my knees. all this would be fine if it wasn't for my strained thighs. halfway through pose i felt like i was going to pass out in the brilliant shine of the sun. once pose was over i didn't let go of yi zheng till he let me down on the floor gently and i clutched my cramped thighs.

that aside everything else went smoothly. highlight has to be the beloness coming just 2 floats before we were up. that was definitely a moral- booster and i felt less nervous after that. during our performance he was standing right at the front with the rest of the crazy mob and it felt good to see a familiar face. BTW we performed before SR Nathan. hahahahaha.

also saw a few familiar faces later who told me dance was great etc etc. felt nice la. then there were a few more floats to go so while the rest went down to the fields to watch the others, me suresh and laremy wisely stayed under the shades of the tent and SLEPT. damn nice can. got morning breeze.

soon was results. not before they played songs for everyone to sing and dance to. always fun. :) SDE took most of the float design awards and so did temasek hall. for dance presentation i think science faculty won. ah well. it was fun while it lasted.

then it was pushing our backdrop back to USP block, all the way from the SRC. me in heels. killer heels. argh.

then dismantling of backdrops... then finally, a long- awaited cold shower. then me, boredin, qingru and suresh had (a very late) lunch at munchie monkeys.

fell asleep on the bus ride to clementi, that's how exhausted i was. and i slept on the train too. thankfully suresh woke me up at admiralty. and it was sad to say goodbye to him and say, "well goodbye... see you..." *silence* "yeah. see you when i see you la."

cuz no more rag sessions. :(

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year in year out, its never anything else but fun.

Friday, August 05, 2005

i HAVE baked them brownies.

problem now is they smell so good i wanna eat them all.

tsk.

feeling all jittery and nervous.

off in a bit to bake brownies. i realize i always bake/ cook when stressed. haha. weird.

nice fudgy chocolatey brownies. and maybe bring some for rag too. must remember to bring a small pillow to tonight's overnighter.

hope dance goes well. will be sad to have worked so hard and have it all deflated by pure exhaustion.

nervous nervous. don't remember feeling this nervous at last year's rag. hmm hmm.

will bring laptop along too. i got a feeling i'm going to be binge- blogging tonight from the cold comforts of the 7th floor of old adm building.

dum dee dum dee dum.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

have a sudden desire to quit blogging.

maybe i'm just tired.

overnighting in school tomorrow, then rag performance itself on saturday.

then school starts on monday.

wow.

time really flies. seems like another sem went by again, new people coming in, new modules, new classes, new things to learn, new friends.

and issues.

freedom of speech. how about abuse? abuse of freedom?

i think its human nature to have friends and enemies. everything is of comparative value, if you're loved by most, chances are you're hated by many too.

but it gets tiring la. to have to keep reading the same painful shit.

freedom to condemn someone's style of writing? freedom to write any way you please? freedom to diss anyone you see deserving? freedom to write nonsense cuz it is, after all, your own words and thoughts you're penning?

humans expect so much, even from strangers on the world wide web.

the most important thing i absolutely have, have, HAVE to point out is how, if you don't like what i write, don't like how i write, basically don't like what you see and read, don't come back. don't come here. it is your own, individual, personal choice. if you come here and get all angry and agitated cuz my english is lousy or i'm whiny or i'm short and ugly and should pose less pictures of myself, what you should really keep in mind is i never post blog entries to anger/ agitate anyone. i never post anything to stir anything in anyone.

much less your loins.

i honestly understand how some blogs are annoying. i've been to some and i've stopped, since. same goes for you. if you think this is crap, why do you keep coming back?

if its to make you feel better about yourself (and your blog and your english and your looks and your whatever other assets), well then, i'm glad i played a part.

good night and god bless.

cuz everybody hurts, sometimes

ok its a rainy thursday, fields are gonna be soggy later, dunno how we're gonna dance in the field in HEELS but that's an issue for later.

there's 2 vancancies left for my film module and i'm throwing my life savings into it if i could. but my point is, BID, DIZ!

Welcome to the English version

This is my english blog for people of the world!
Since starting my blog, My life is now so annoying. All the time I am the focus on the street. Why do the eyes of the men fall hot upon me? I have no place to hide.

Is my body not beautiful? Imagine you are with me now!

THIS (click!) woman is FUCKEN hilarious. really. i am laughing at, with, on, over, under, beneath and EVERYWHERE about her. really. i dunno where to start. maybe its just the damn koyak english which always humours me to no end. or the unabashed self- proclamations of beauty. i do think she's weird. but aren't we all. go see la. if you're like me, this will chase away all rainy thursday blues.

ok ok if that, which was her first post on blogger, isn't enticing enough, here's another.

My sexy appearance and ice-and-jade pure quality bring me a lot of attention wherever I go. I'm always the centre of everything. People never tire of looking at my face, and my physique gives men nose-bleeds.

nose bleeds dong! nose bleeds! glory. i would love to one day give a man a nose- bleed. hopefully with a punch though. not my D- cup tits.

YEAH my MEN, you heard me. D- cup. this is a hot big- titties china woman. i think. anyway i heard she is quite popular and all that. but i didn't know all that till this chance encounter.

its fate i tell you. i wasn't meant to have a sad mopey rainy thursday. though now i dunno what kind of thursday this is. haha.

meeting suresh for lunch pre- rag. but its raining non- stop. and i'm so lazy to change up... leave... but i do wanna eat. hmm. so that's that.

i see a new best bud in suresh. but no worries dizzie, you are irreplaceable. haha. only you have been through hell and yonder with me. and i appreciate it lots. you're one of the main reasons why i can't wait for school to start. miss laughing with you in the car, monkeying around, making everyone wonder are we/ aren't we. hehehe.

but back to the mapley. i pronounce it ma- pley cuz it sounds less crude than ma- plek? and besides apu neh neh is taken. aiya and i miss my apu neh neh can! another guy i see more when school starts; since he's in ngee ann poly. firr, firr. hehe. always dating, never changing.

aiyo. BACK TO THE MAPLEY LA! one last time. see la now i got nothing to say about him.

he's a mapley ok?

haha. meaning he's indian. and he's vegetarian. and we have already fallen into a pattern of eating together. and arguing about where to eat for a good 30 minutes prior to decision. problems mainly arise cuz we dunno where to eat; not cuz i'm muslim and he's vegetarian. he's also taken to being humoured by my comparatively vertically- challenged build. this is COMPARATIVE, cuz this mapley is 1.82 m can. of course i am puny- nised beside him right? and one thing i really like about suresh- his eye lashes. its VERY LONG and CURLS RIGHT UP like a frickin' maybelline sky high lashes advert. longer than MINE can! i am a GIRL! god the horror. so one day, when he is asleep, i will cut off his lashes, and glue them onto my eyelids, and pretend nothing happen

shh don't tell him my secret mission.

and when he does wake up and realize its gone, all i have to say is, "what??? not me!" and he will gently nod and sanguinely say, "yes... i know... my fault..." :D

and he and the dizzie one is taking SN1101E together. two of you will be formally introduced soon. and oh. i plan to crash lectures. so more winsome threesome news awaits, maybe? we shall see. i wonder if diz will be able to get along with him. since he is so mamak- phobic. hahahahaha.

i love my life. rain no rain, sisterfurong notwithstanding...

has it always been this good?

DSC00944.JPG

DSC00944.JPG
Originally uploaded by mr.udders.

this is me and the six- titties man. hahaha. advocating gardenia dipped with sprite. so good you can even eat it on its own.

DSC00943.JPG

DSC00943.JPG
Originally uploaded by mr.udders.

these are willy wonkians. haha. pic courtesy of laremy the udders man. YOU DA MAN WITH SIX TITS YO!

ok anyways. picture from last day of camp, prior to swensen's foodfest.

i'll take you back to the stars

my rag costume is SKIMPY. majorly. if i dare, i might post its pictures up here. then again, i might not. its mightily disturbingly skimpy. so are the rest's. but that's not the point.

there never is one.

performance this saturday. had a session today, one more tomorrow. then it'll be friday's sleepover. pray it goes well.

helped make the backdrop tonight. the gargoyle. hehehehe.

sorry inside joke. very inside. inside and insidous!

when i'm tired i ramble and talk nonsense.

actually alot of things on my mind... life love school. many things to say... flustered now and then. where do i go? what do i do? what do i want? i tell to get what you want you must know what you want. and that's the crisis i face now. but ah well. all this can be dealt with in time. for now immediate issues need immediate attention.

each year come august i will be mighty busy. so take note. next year august? same shit. cuz i'm doing rag for possibly 3/4 years. cuz its fun and i love my raggers. awww now everyone. will bring digibaby tomorrow so that can take pictures of raggers. and maybe my damn WRONG costume.

i miss languid afternoons.

i wish i could just talk everything out here and now, just ramble on but i am too caught up. BTW dizzie if you read this, i didn't get film module. so... yeah. how now?

alot of things are happening. as we speak. many things on my mind, potentially unravelling and spilling over into a huge tragic mess. wish i knew even, what all thisfuss is about.

but some things you keep it all in and let it swallow you from inside. then let it infest like a sore, bleed like a wound, and disappear,

like it was never there before.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

would love to talk lots...

but everyday i reach home tired.

on a MUCH brighter note, i've bidded, most likely getting modules i want, getting a pretty nice time- table next sem, and doing it with lovely dizzie so all is well.

what else.

oh i went shopping today. so i got my bag and stationery. all that's left is a pencil case. and a lunch box. cuz mondays i've got classes from 10- 8 p.m. back to back. no breaks. so pack food la.

i got a nice tee too! has the Cake band logo embossed. pretty...

kudos to suresh for company. poor guy didn't manage to get his stuff though.

umm what else. ahh yes to the belo one for loaning his white shirt.

this is like a bad thank you speech. ok la i am damn tired.

will cease to be busy come saturday. i hope.

i miss blogging.

tired tired tired.

work in the morning, tuition in the afternoon, dance in the evening.

dinner at night.

then home.

bidded.

all is well.

tired tired tired.

i realize tag- board's been down for a few days. give it a few more days; all else fail i'll change it.

if you desperately need to tell me something; lim_fiz@yahoo.com.sg

off to bed, not before a sneak at my lovely book.

railway man is a fantastic read.

Monday, August 01, 2005

though we haven't seen each other in a while you will always be

worked today. then at 7 p.m., i glitzed off happily with the belo one who came and fetch me from work.

with a FLOWER. aww. :)

went for dinner at fish & co. the glass house. we had just gotten our seats and while we were seated, i looked at him, he looked at me back, took my hand kissed it, and i said, "i'm already having a great time." and it was true.

in the train, he told me why he wanted to meet earlier (this was not to be cuz i got off work later than expected). he said, "i thought we could go fort canning park before eating. thought can get there about 6 plus. then can see that particular colour of the sky you spoke of. since i don't know whether i'll marry you or not."

(fyi, i went for ballet under the stars in 2003 and fell in love with fort canning park. at precisely 6.54 p.m., on a balmy night in march. the sky was a perfect shade of purple, blue and black. dusk. and that was when i decided i wanted to get married there, at that time when that sky is in that shade.)

and of course i teared. the way he said it, so matter- of- factly, hit the fact home. it reminded me of how well he knew me; how temporary i believe everything to be. and of course, the fact that he remembered such a minute detail.

dinner was great. the seafood platter for two is actually for five and in that i mean it is inhumanely huge. i skipped lunch cuz i knew it was gonna be heavy. and YET! we couldn't finish it.

our main course came way later than expected and the nice people of fish & co. gave us complimentary fries. sweet.

from the moment we entered the restaurant to the point we stepped out, they kept playing R&B. at one point they played alicia and usher's my boo.

me: *sings* you will always be my OH my OH my OH my OH, my oooooooh...
him: hahaha. are you my... boo?
me: HUH! NO! so mat! don't want!
him: then what?
me: my poot?
him: no no. my pundek.

HAHAHAHA.

and at one point the CD got stuck and it kept replaying some sean paul song. which of course has, "dante- eyy" or whatever, and "shake that thiiiing." so when the song kept getting stuck and replaying, we started randomly singing dante- eyy and shake that thiiiing. only we can derive joy from such.

and then they realized it and changed the CD. felt sad for a bit. such a loss. such entertainment.

and they played BEATLES LA DEI! yellow submarine. and we ALLLLLL live in a yellow submarine! it really made my night. it reminded me of 27th november last year. beatels concert. another perfect night a long time ago.

i knew i had the perfect sunday already.

later we sat at fort canning park... and unrealizingly i started humming adam sandler's (all i wanna do is) grow old with you. the things you make me do. sing to myself, hum, tap my feet, smile...

and it was nice to just sit and barely talk. and just be there.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

and what is better than a nice date? a nice- SMELLING date. yay! (apologies for ununiformed pictures, i am seriously too tired to ensure any homogenous, monolithic, methodical and systematic symmetry. DEAL with some irregularity. its human.)

in the train i started singing hari raya songs. and he told me i was wayyy too advance. but that's just how it is. and then we sat at admiralty station for awhile, trying to milk some final few minutes together before going back to our busy lives. and we sat there... and sang techno. haha. all the old techno songs we could think of. not alot, but it got me laughing.

and you know how i feel bout guys who make me laugh...

O my love's like a red, red rose
That's newly sprung in June

school begins soon. intensive rag sessions for the whole of this week. tuition as per normal, with PSLE prelims coming up. feet never gets enough rest. and a new month begins tomorrow. so does more bidding for modules- which is actually killing me right now. but nothing can spoil my today. everything will fall in place, work itself out, the knots will unloop itself and the chinks will be straightened out, some might even turn out better than expected.

faith.

and i have it.

and as she clasped her fingers around him and clinged tightly to his back, he raced down the steps of the park, running wild and free; against the thick balmy air, as her laughter rang loud and clear through the deep, dark night.