I am solitary by choice, not circumstances.
I have friends, I'm not lonely.
I have love, I do have a heart.
I can be cold, I am made to be stronger than most.
I can be quiet, I was born to be the only child.
I can be funny and loud, I was taught to always have fun.
I can be anything I want to be. Only because I can.
Hana
Mr. Udders
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Aida
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Mr. Udders
Maya's Baked Goodies
Nazri
Nadiah
Laremy the Cow
Aida
Ruz
Ed Koh
Travels
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New York II
New York III
New York IV
New York V
Melbourne I
Melbourne II
Melbourne III
Melbourne IV
Melbourne V
Liverpool
London
Paris
Lisbon
Barcelona
Fez
Milan
Pisa
Rome
Rome/ Vatican/ Venice
Venice/ Vienna
Prague
Berlin
Amsterdam
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Bituwin -
Blogskin
Edited by Yours Truly.
Blog Title is E.B. White's famous words, rephrased.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
indecision
you know its a bad day if i binge- blog.
bah.
a big big part of me wants to hold your hand and say i'm here, i don't know if i can stay but if i can i will.
a niggling thought says why go through it all again. why not savour this, its like having my cake and eating it. why go back to the time with all the grubby family issues.
its not so bad, isn't it? to know you love me and i love you and to just go out when we feel like it.
no strings, no commitments. precisely what we need.
and its not as gray and indefinite as it sounds. its just being put in the hands of God. right?
but what about you doing boyfriend- like things? like getting upset if i go home late? or go out with guys you don't like? what about all that? do you have the right? don't you?
i don't know if i can be with you. if i want to. if its a good idea. with you, with us, its never as easy as want it, have it.
i know for sure a relationship is the last thing you need now. with the state you're in and all that. messy. so i won't even bring it up to you.
but i need to reconcile that with myself. i don't need a relationship. no. i don't want a relationship either.
GOD WHERE IN BLUE HEAVENS IS ALL THIS CONFUSION COMING FROM?!?!
i don't know. i don't know how it is anymore.
everytime i come close to knowing the facts disappear and i'm left with nothing.
i think, either you stay in my heart forever,
or i permanently rid you from it.
yes. yes. that's it. that's the conclusion i have to make.
oh. no.
but i remember the bad times. the ugly days. sighhhhhhhhh. why can't i just have it easy?
such a huge part of me knows that it can't be that bad. but i think the cynic is telling me, fiza, let it go. someone new will come and you will drop him like a hot potato again and that will be worst.
will you just LOOK at the number of question marks in this thing. geez. this is what i want. technically. to be able to be with you when you can but not have the mess that comes along with having a relationship. and for me to still go out with my friends without having you freaking out. i think we got ourselves a convenient arrangment here, haven't we?
if so then why doesn't it feel right? something wrong with this picture i paint, just can't put a finger to it.
if it wasn't for you i would have a clean slate. i can just start anew. have a new revamped life. but you.
you make me hold on to the past. cuz that's where you are.
you know its a bad day if i binge- blog.
bah.
a big big part of me wants to hold your hand and say i'm here, i don't know if i can stay but if i can i will.
a niggling thought says why go through it all again. why not savour this, its like having my cake and eating it. why go back to the time with all the grubby family issues.
its not so bad, isn't it? to know you love me and i love you and to just go out when we feel like it.
no strings, no commitments. precisely what we need.
and its not as gray and indefinite as it sounds. its just being put in the hands of God. right?
but what about you doing boyfriend- like things? like getting upset if i go home late? or go out with guys you don't like? what about all that? do you have the right? don't you?
i don't know if i can be with you. if i want to. if its a good idea. with you, with us, its never as easy as want it, have it.
i know for sure a relationship is the last thing you need now. with the state you're in and all that. messy. so i won't even bring it up to you.
but i need to reconcile that with myself. i don't need a relationship. no. i don't want a relationship either.
GOD WHERE IN BLUE HEAVENS IS ALL THIS CONFUSION COMING FROM?!?!
i don't know. i don't know how it is anymore.
everytime i come close to knowing the facts disappear and i'm left with nothing.
i think, either you stay in my heart forever,
or i permanently rid you from it.
yes. yes. that's it. that's the conclusion i have to make.
oh. no.
but i remember the bad times. the ugly days. sighhhhhhhhh. why can't i just have it easy?
such a huge part of me knows that it can't be that bad. but i think the cynic is telling me, fiza, let it go. someone new will come and you will drop him like a hot potato again and that will be worst.
will you just LOOK at the number of question marks in this thing. geez. this is what i want. technically. to be able to be with you when you can but not have the mess that comes along with having a relationship. and for me to still go out with my friends without having you freaking out. i think we got ourselves a convenient arrangment here, haven't we?
if so then why doesn't it feel right? something wrong with this picture i paint, just can't put a finger to it.
if it wasn't for you i would have a clean slate. i can just start anew. have a new revamped life. but you.
you make me hold on to the past. cuz that's where you are.
y'all feelin' me dawg?
i am feeling crabby and flabby. while the latter can be solved by the evening run later, the former, well. the former spells trouble for the contractor drilling away in my house right now.
i hate drilling noises. hate hate hate it.
i feel like grabbing that drill away from him and ram it into the head of the creator of drills. here have your invention back you prick.
i like silence. especially when i am alone in the house. unfortunately i am not alone now am i? no i have been bestowed the lovely company of the china man and the bangla, here to drill my eardrums away.
granted it is not their fault but really. is there no other means to it? drilling is so... ugh.
on a brighter note, i need 43 more points before i get my topshop $10 voucher. so any of you in need of shopping at topman/ topshop/ dorothy perkins (and want me to be your style advisor), call me. with my card you get 10% off and i get to collect points with your purchase. see? win- win.
i think tomorrow i will be off for a swim. my head feels chalky. i think the holidays will be a good time to become a health buff. on a sad note, i might not be able to attend peejay's past present day cuz we have a last run of the musical for special sponsors. or summat.
oh life's a bitch and then you die
on a much much brighter note, i've got bands calling me up. :) hopefully something good come out of this. who knows, might even earn me some buckaroos. god only knows i need it.
alright i'm off to shower. hopefully the toilet is sound- proof.
i am feeling crabby and flabby. while the latter can be solved by the evening run later, the former, well. the former spells trouble for the contractor drilling away in my house right now.
i hate drilling noises. hate hate hate it.
i feel like grabbing that drill away from him and ram it into the head of the creator of drills. here have your invention back you prick.
i like silence. especially when i am alone in the house. unfortunately i am not alone now am i? no i have been bestowed the lovely company of the china man and the bangla, here to drill my eardrums away.
granted it is not their fault but really. is there no other means to it? drilling is so... ugh.
on a brighter note, i need 43 more points before i get my topshop $10 voucher. so any of you in need of shopping at topman/ topshop/ dorothy perkins (and want me to be your style advisor), call me. with my card you get 10% off and i get to collect points with your purchase. see? win- win.
i think tomorrow i will be off for a swim. my head feels chalky. i think the holidays will be a good time to become a health buff. on a sad note, i might not be able to attend peejay's past present day cuz we have a last run of the musical for special sponsors. or summat.
oh life's a bitch and then you die
on a much much brighter note, i've got bands calling me up. :) hopefully something good come out of this. who knows, might even earn me some buckaroos. god only knows i need it.
alright i'm off to shower. hopefully the toilet is sound- proof.
yeah i burn for soothe
according to chief minah daily evaluation, yesterday's beach trip was a success. all in agreement say aye. aye? aye.
met her at almost 11, reached the beach at 12 (burn baby burn!) and nyd joined us at almost 1. after a dip in the waters of centra palawan i discovered that no, i don't go to well with seaweedy water so we moved up further to the lagoon- area. less seaweed. and when it was high tide, vamoos. zilch seaweed.
had a blast. sun was up, water was cool and there was a green butterfly. oh pretty pretty.
there werea few, no, there were HOARDS of secondary school kids running around being freaky and freaking us out. some wore a black t- shirt (at e beach. !!!), some were fully- dressed for town. and most, were very impressed by the sun!!! and they simply wouldn't stop SHRIEKING! "aiya pang wo la pang wo la pu kei yi something something..." -_- ran across hot sand, screaming that its hot (in mandarin, further emphasising the ah soh- ness of it all). you think?
aside from them the crowd wasn't too bad. not too many mats, in fact none. bliss.
at one point a bunch of girls was trying to pull one of this girl's arms i think. oh no wait maybe they were trying to drag her into the water. well either way, they were pulling and though i could (barely) understand why the pulled girl was screaming, i didn't see the need for the whole group that were pulling to scream as well. i turned to sara and said, "you know they should really pull real hard and just pull her arm right off her sockets then have it all dangle and dislocated- now that is something to scream about."
i mean if you're gonna scream, do it for the right reasons. :)
post- beach was town for me and the cheena minah and sara headed to sengkang to meet her bai. we didn't get to eat together. so next time according to chief minah, we meet at 6 a.m. well they oughta know they'll be in for a long wait. aha.
met mum in town and accompanied her to eat at far east at the very handsome old manboy shop. haha. he is in the late 20s, almost 30s i guess. sob. but.he.is.so.cute.
bah.
imran the ex asked me along to hard rock cafe last night- for kumar. unfortunately i was nodding off while watching mum eat so it was a no- no. told him to go with me to the arts house one. yeah kumar's doing one in mid- june, @ cafe society, arts house. watch for it.
exhaustion finally took the final swig of me and last night i slept at 10.40 p.m., full deep sleep, like a baby.
cure for insomnia. :D
according to chief minah daily evaluation, yesterday's beach trip was a success. all in agreement say aye. aye? aye.
met her at almost 11, reached the beach at 12 (burn baby burn!) and nyd joined us at almost 1. after a dip in the waters of centra palawan i discovered that no, i don't go to well with seaweedy water so we moved up further to the lagoon- area. less seaweed. and when it was high tide, vamoos. zilch seaweed.
had a blast. sun was up, water was cool and there was a green butterfly. oh pretty pretty.
there were
aside from them the crowd wasn't too bad. not too many mats, in fact none. bliss.
at one point a bunch of girls was trying to pull one of this girl's arms i think. oh no wait maybe they were trying to drag her into the water. well either way, they were pulling and though i could (barely) understand why the pulled girl was screaming, i didn't see the need for the whole group that were pulling to scream as well. i turned to sara and said, "you know they should really pull real hard and just pull her arm right off her sockets then have it all dangle and dislocated- now that is something to scream about."
i mean if you're gonna scream, do it for the right reasons. :)
post- beach was town for me and the cheena minah and sara headed to sengkang to meet her bai. we didn't get to eat together. so next time according to chief minah, we meet at 6 a.m. well they oughta know they'll be in for a long wait. aha.
met mum in town and accompanied her to eat at far east at the very handsome old manboy shop. haha. he is in the late 20s, almost 30s i guess. sob. but.he.is.so.cute.
bah.
imran the ex asked me along to hard rock cafe last night- for kumar. unfortunately i was nodding off while watching mum eat so it was a no- no. told him to go with me to the arts house one. yeah kumar's doing one in mid- june, @ cafe society, arts house. watch for it.
exhaustion finally took the final swig of me and last night i slept at 10.40 p.m., full deep sleep, like a baby.
cure for insomnia. :D
Monday, May 30, 2005
what awaits when i open my eyes?
i am still awake and i doubt i will be sleeping anytime soon. cuz i plan to return my dorm keys today. office opens at 8.30 and i wanna be the first in and out. i really hate all this tedious affair of checking in and out. and NUS has to be a thousand miles away. and of course my dorm has to have no public transport in and i have to rely on the slow- as- hell- to- come shuttle bus with drivers who drive like there is no tomorrow. no wait. drivers who drive like they don't want us to have a tomorrow.
i doubt i will ever sleep again.
i need a serious cure for insomnia. i don't know why i never thought about doing something about it. oh yes. i hate all this tedious affair. of telling the doctor what's wrong with me. of hearing the doctor question my sanity. of popping pills to make me sleep like other normal creatures. of doing things. of saving my life.
its not hard to fall, when you float like a cannonball
since saturday night, i realize my happiness have dipped. sadness burrowed in through my steel shell of joy and made a rotting nest in the midst of all things positive.
on a bright note i might be headed to the beach with the minah sisterhood. sara and nyd. maybe some sun, frisbee, sandcastles and skin damage might cure this.
oh sod this.
its all you. for such a long time i made myself believe you don't matter and just when i came close to believing in that self- deceit you make me see that i was fooling no one but myself.
it had to be you.
sometimes i wish we never met. then comparisons won't take place. you're not even all that great. you just are in my heart.
if i never knew you i will never know that it is possible to not be able to live without someone. if i never met you i will never have felt the gazillion emotions i felt when with you. if i never met you i will never have to worry about the hundred other things i worry about when i think of you. if i never knew you i will never know the bliss of innocent love. if i never knew you i will never have tasted the sinking sensation of disappointment, nor discover my stubborn nature of hoping in you again despite. if i never met you i will never feel so torn between the yet- to- arrive mr. perfect and mr. mine. if i never knew you i will never know what i lost.
if i never knew you i would never have known how wonderful love can be and that would be best cuz now that i had it,
nothing compares to you.
i am still awake and i doubt i will be sleeping anytime soon. cuz i plan to return my dorm keys today. office opens at 8.30 and i wanna be the first in and out. i really hate all this tedious affair of checking in and out. and NUS has to be a thousand miles away. and of course my dorm has to have no public transport in and i have to rely on the slow- as- hell- to- come shuttle bus with drivers who drive like there is no tomorrow. no wait. drivers who drive like they don't want us to have a tomorrow.
i doubt i will ever sleep again.
i need a serious cure for insomnia. i don't know why i never thought about doing something about it. oh yes. i hate all this tedious affair. of telling the doctor what's wrong with me. of hearing the doctor question my sanity. of popping pills to make me sleep like other normal creatures. of doing things. of saving my life.
its not hard to fall, when you float like a cannonball
since saturday night, i realize my happiness have dipped. sadness burrowed in through my steel shell of joy and made a rotting nest in the midst of all things positive.
on a bright note i might be headed to the beach with the minah sisterhood. sara and nyd. maybe some sun, frisbee, sandcastles and skin damage might cure this.
oh sod this.
its all you. for such a long time i made myself believe you don't matter and just when i came close to believing in that self- deceit you make me see that i was fooling no one but myself.
it had to be you.
sometimes i wish we never met. then comparisons won't take place. you're not even all that great. you just are in my heart.
if i never knew you i will never know that it is possible to not be able to live without someone. if i never met you i will never have felt the gazillion emotions i felt when with you. if i never met you i will never have to worry about the hundred other things i worry about when i think of you. if i never knew you i will never know the bliss of innocent love. if i never knew you i will never have tasted the sinking sensation of disappointment, nor discover my stubborn nature of hoping in you again despite. if i never met you i will never feel so torn between the yet- to- arrive mr. perfect and mr. mine. if i never knew you i will never know what i lost.
if i never knew you i would never have known how wonderful love can be and that would be best cuz now that i had it,
nothing compares to you.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
don't you remember you told me you love me baby
couldn't sleep all of last night. culmination of many things. but yeah. the mind was cluttered and i couldn't think straight and the depression me and khalid discussed threatened to overwhelm and overcome.
so at 6 i changed up and dug out my precious, grubby reeboks and took off for a long jog. and long it was. i did a figure 8 in admiralty. and i saw some really nice sky- colour changes. there is a huge field at the back of my place near the expressway and it is just this huge expanse of green green grass.
and when you look up, for miles and miles, further than the eyes can see, there is clouds and clouds and clouds and blue blue sky.
beautiful. one of these days i am headed there with a camera.
pounding pavement is THE cure to anything. running gives me a sense of freedom, the sensation that i am running away from my problems, from my brooding past to a free and untrammeled future. everything in life looks better and more hopeful after a run.
the head clears and the body is rejuvenated. nicely done.
am looking for a band. i think i'm tired of singing alone. i'm tired of jamming with my imaginary whoo hoos. the whoo hoos is a good band but something with a higher level of reality would be nice.
the belo one is having a crisis of sort. in a word, family. i don't know la. everytime i get hopeful about things again it all comes crashing down. it was never easy and it probably never will be. call me a chicken for not being able to face up to its tests.
i'm tired of building up so much and having a swipe of the hand just deal me a blow and watch all my building blocks tumble down again.
being with you is like a series of ecstatic highs and a mind- blowing low the minute i get high enough. one day i fear i will look back and only remember the inevitable disappointments i had to face whenever i got hopeful bout' you. so maybe we should put it to an end before it taints all other beautiful days we shared. it was never you, or your fault. circumstances and the consequences of your life just seem to always slap me in the face whenever i come near you.
when i'm happy with you its like a beautiful dancing flame, happy and energetic.
and then the cold water just douses me. and the flame dies. again and again for the umpteenth time. and not only does the fiery dance ends,
it leaves me a little cold in its wake.
couldn't sleep all of last night. culmination of many things. but yeah. the mind was cluttered and i couldn't think straight and the depression me and khalid discussed threatened to overwhelm and overcome.
so at 6 i changed up and dug out my precious, grubby reeboks and took off for a long jog. and long it was. i did a figure 8 in admiralty. and i saw some really nice sky- colour changes. there is a huge field at the back of my place near the expressway and it is just this huge expanse of green green grass.
and when you look up, for miles and miles, further than the eyes can see, there is clouds and clouds and clouds and blue blue sky.
beautiful. one of these days i am headed there with a camera.
pounding pavement is THE cure to anything. running gives me a sense of freedom, the sensation that i am running away from my problems, from my brooding past to a free and untrammeled future. everything in life looks better and more hopeful after a run.
the head clears and the body is rejuvenated. nicely done.
am looking for a band. i think i'm tired of singing alone. i'm tired of jamming with my imaginary whoo hoos. the whoo hoos is a good band but something with a higher level of reality would be nice.
the belo one is having a crisis of sort. in a word, family. i don't know la. everytime i get hopeful about things again it all comes crashing down. it was never easy and it probably never will be. call me a chicken for not being able to face up to its tests.
i'm tired of building up so much and having a swipe of the hand just deal me a blow and watch all my building blocks tumble down again.
being with you is like a series of ecstatic highs and a mind- blowing low the minute i get high enough. one day i fear i will look back and only remember the inevitable disappointments i had to face whenever i got hopeful bout' you. so maybe we should put it to an end before it taints all other beautiful days we shared. it was never you, or your fault. circumstances and the consequences of your life just seem to always slap me in the face whenever i come near you.
when i'm happy with you its like a beautiful dancing flame, happy and energetic.
and then the cold water just douses me. and the flame dies. again and again for the umpteenth time. and not only does the fiery dance ends,
it leaves me a little cold in its wake.
love lost
i downloaded this song and while i was listening to it, mum entered the room. and i just took one look at her and knew.
Uji Rashid- Kali Terakhir Ku Lihat Wajahmu
Dalam dakapan senja (in the embrace of dusk)
Kurenungi sinar matamu (i gaze at your glinting eyes)
Berat rasa melepaskan (it feels so hard)
Dikau pergi (to let you go)
Dingin hembusan bayu (the dewy breeze, chilling)
Lemah longlai langkah kakimu (as you weakly walked away)
Lambaianmu kian jauh (your waving hand gets further)
Dari mata (from sight)
Malangnya... (unfortunately)
Bencana menimpa (tragedy befell us)
Kau telah pergi untuk selamanya (you had to go forever)
Tak kembali (never coming back)
Pada saat terakhir (in the last moments)
Kumelihat paras wajahmu (i watched your face)
Kau bisikkan hanya sayang (as you whisper only love)
Kepadaku... (to me)
and i can only wonder. at her loss.
on his death bed, the last thing i heard my dad uttered was my mum's name. calling for her. to think of it, maybe it was a last desperate cry. crying for the love that he knows he will soon leave.
i can't even imagine. to look at your love and know tomorrow he won't be there. to hold his hands and know that it will never be warm again. to go home knowing you will never see him at the door again. to hear him call your name and hoping beyond hope that you will be able to crystallize that sound so that you can hear it over and over again. to look at his eyes and know that you will never see them open again.
to gaze longingly at the love of your life, to watch him gaze at you with love in his eyes knowing you will never see that love that sustained you for 20 years, ever, ever, again.
i admire her strength. to lose love. to live after the loss. to move on.
to be able to live without a limb. without a heart that used to beat along hers. without a hand that used to hold hers. to lose a soul that lie in bed with her in comfortable silence.
and seeing her loss scares me. and it scares me so much that i dare not to love or be in a long- term commitment. cuz i don't want to live through her loss. i can't. i know it might make me stronger, but i also know it might make me crazy with sorrow.
i'm so afraid to love you, i'm more afraid to lose
how do you let go of love. how do you watch love fade, diasappear, die? how do you watch your love, your half, your pillar of strength, your inspiration to live, go?
i can't. if i ever do love like that, i hope to go before my love. selfish, but i will not want to live a love lost. if he goes first, i will forever hold him high up on a pedestal in my heart and no one will come close to replacing him. that way i will not lose again, nor be disappointed again. which is where my father is. high up on a pedestal where no man can venture near. and hence i can never be disappointed. nor can i lose a man as great as him.
to love is to lose. to love is to gamble, to know that each and everyday, at every moment, you run the risk of losing your love.
and that makes some, appreciative of the love they have. that also makes some, like me, afraid to love.
i miss him so much that it hurts. i want him here, for no rhyme or reason. i haven't been a good girl, i haven't done anything to deserve him back but i want him here just the same. to watch wrestling with me, to sob over liverpool's game with me, to laugh at mum when we tease her, to just be here and be part of my life. memories fail me.
love is the gamble i choose not to take. cuz i know the pain of losing.
and i know nothing lasts forever. on the flipside, nor does pain or hurt. however, i don't want to go through any pain or hurt. if avoiding this shortchanges my experience of life, reduces me of being a complete soul, so be it. i would rather die having never been nourished by great pain than live through a love loss. to live everyday in the wake of a love you once had. to know it was once in a lifetime and that lifetime is over. to know what i once had. i am greedy. i am not satisfied just having had love. i want to keep it. and though i know love can prevail death, love is also a presence. and after death, the presence is no more. i cannot live through that. i do not want to put myself through that. it scares me. and it makes me a weak human and a coward. i'll rather be that than a brave woman who love, and lost.
Anak punai anak merbah
Terbang turun buat sarang
Anak sungai pun berubah (even a riverbed may change)
Ini pula hati orang (what more a human heart)
Mengapa dikenang (why keep reminiscing)
Selat teduh lautan tenang
Banyak labuh perahu Aceh
Jangan kesal jangan kenang (do not regret, do not reminisce)
Walau hati rasa pedih (even though the heart aches)
Mengapa bersedih ( do not drown in your sorrows)
Patah 'kan tumbuh hilang berganti (a broken branch can grow, a lost love can be replaced)
Akan sembuh kalau diubati (wounds can heal if nursed)
Patah 'kan tumbuh hilang berganti
Akan sembuh kalau diubati
Sayang mengapa dirindu (love, why miss it)
Uji Rashid; Mengapa Dirindu
ironic, that the only thing that does last forever, is death.
i downloaded this song and while i was listening to it, mum entered the room. and i just took one look at her and knew.
Uji Rashid- Kali Terakhir Ku Lihat Wajahmu
Dalam dakapan senja (in the embrace of dusk)
Kurenungi sinar matamu (i gaze at your glinting eyes)
Berat rasa melepaskan (it feels so hard)
Dikau pergi (to let you go)
Dingin hembusan bayu (the dewy breeze, chilling)
Lemah longlai langkah kakimu (as you weakly walked away)
Lambaianmu kian jauh (your waving hand gets further)
Dari mata (from sight)
Malangnya... (unfortunately)
Bencana menimpa (tragedy befell us)
Kau telah pergi untuk selamanya (you had to go forever)
Tak kembali (never coming back)
Pada saat terakhir (in the last moments)
Kumelihat paras wajahmu (i watched your face)
Kau bisikkan hanya sayang (as you whisper only love)
Kepadaku... (to me)
and i can only wonder. at her loss.
on his death bed, the last thing i heard my dad uttered was my mum's name. calling for her. to think of it, maybe it was a last desperate cry. crying for the love that he knows he will soon leave.
i can't even imagine. to look at your love and know tomorrow he won't be there. to hold his hands and know that it will never be warm again. to go home knowing you will never see him at the door again. to hear him call your name and hoping beyond hope that you will be able to crystallize that sound so that you can hear it over and over again. to look at his eyes and know that you will never see them open again.
to gaze longingly at the love of your life, to watch him gaze at you with love in his eyes knowing you will never see that love that sustained you for 20 years, ever, ever, again.
i admire her strength. to lose love. to live after the loss. to move on.
to be able to live without a limb. without a heart that used to beat along hers. without a hand that used to hold hers. to lose a soul that lie in bed with her in comfortable silence.
and seeing her loss scares me. and it scares me so much that i dare not to love or be in a long- term commitment. cuz i don't want to live through her loss. i can't. i know it might make me stronger, but i also know it might make me crazy with sorrow.
i'm so afraid to love you, i'm more afraid to lose
how do you let go of love. how do you watch love fade, diasappear, die? how do you watch your love, your half, your pillar of strength, your inspiration to live, go?
i can't. if i ever do love like that, i hope to go before my love. selfish, but i will not want to live a love lost. if he goes first, i will forever hold him high up on a pedestal in my heart and no one will come close to replacing him. that way i will not lose again, nor be disappointed again. which is where my father is. high up on a pedestal where no man can venture near. and hence i can never be disappointed. nor can i lose a man as great as him.
to love is to lose. to love is to gamble, to know that each and everyday, at every moment, you run the risk of losing your love.
and that makes some, appreciative of the love they have. that also makes some, like me, afraid to love.
i miss him so much that it hurts. i want him here, for no rhyme or reason. i haven't been a good girl, i haven't done anything to deserve him back but i want him here just the same. to watch wrestling with me, to sob over liverpool's game with me, to laugh at mum when we tease her, to just be here and be part of my life. memories fail me.
love is the gamble i choose not to take. cuz i know the pain of losing.
and i know nothing lasts forever. on the flipside, nor does pain or hurt. however, i don't want to go through any pain or hurt. if avoiding this shortchanges my experience of life, reduces me of being a complete soul, so be it. i would rather die having never been nourished by great pain than live through a love loss. to live everyday in the wake of a love you once had. to know it was once in a lifetime and that lifetime is over. to know what i once had. i am greedy. i am not satisfied just having had love. i want to keep it. and though i know love can prevail death, love is also a presence. and after death, the presence is no more. i cannot live through that. i do not want to put myself through that. it scares me. and it makes me a weak human and a coward. i'll rather be that than a brave woman who love, and lost.
Anak punai anak merbah
Terbang turun buat sarang
Anak sungai pun berubah (even a riverbed may change)
Ini pula hati orang (what more a human heart)
Mengapa dikenang (why keep reminiscing)
Selat teduh lautan tenang
Banyak labuh perahu Aceh
Jangan kesal jangan kenang (do not regret, do not reminisce)
Walau hati rasa pedih (even though the heart aches)
Mengapa bersedih ( do not drown in your sorrows)
Patah 'kan tumbuh hilang berganti (a broken branch can grow, a lost love can be replaced)
Akan sembuh kalau diubati (wounds can heal if nursed)
Patah 'kan tumbuh hilang berganti
Akan sembuh kalau diubati
Sayang mengapa dirindu (love, why miss it)
Uji Rashid; Mengapa Dirindu
ironic, that the only thing that does last forever, is death.
Saturday, May 28, 2005
cramps is THE bitch
i'm bedridden. bah. on a saturday. oh well. nothing pills and a hot water bottle can't cure.
i will be last to deny i was nasty in that entry. but to call me a stuck- up bitch for treating a 'nice' guy that way?
i think i already said that i never told him "oh my god you're so ugly and pathetic what makes you think i'll date you?" no i told him we're different. which as you can see now from all the blog entries, we are.
he IS a nice guy. and i AM a mean bitch when i want to be one. but stuck- up? far from it. i never said he wasn't good enough for me. he just wasn't FOR me. difference.
i guess that's the reason why i felt the need to explain myself twenty times over cuz i know seeing that he was such a great guy, no one would be able to comprehend why i didn't like him back.
but you cannot call me stuck- up for not liking him back. you can't force feelings like that.
and despite his messages that tend to annoy me and the few nights when he called me at 3/ 4 a.m., i was nothing less than polite to him at every point of time.
so i can see where the bitch remark is coming from, but no, not stuck- up. wrong choice of words.
besides, i never said i was sad to be single. if i really wanted to, it wouldn't have been that difficult to just be with faid and enjoy the benefits. now that would be bitchy.
but i enjoy my singlehood. i am in no hurry to end this blissful period of my life.
many people wonder, how to be happy alone?
being alone is being with yourself. so love that self. give it what it wants. for me, books, chocolates, an icy cup of coke can do wonders. alone in my house in the silenced living room with a good book is paradise to me.
if you're not much of a reader, well, find something. anything. i've rock- climbed alone at this place in tanjong pagar. it was fun (and cheap). i've watched a movie alone, i've eaten lunch, dinner in public alone. i've definitely shopped alone. haha. i've been to the beach alone. and when you learn to be comfortable with this much solitude...
you learn to enjoy your mum's company. the weekly dinner dates at nice cosy cafes. the weekly dates with the best friends. the ocassional trip to the beach with girlfriends. the spontaneous outing to town with the boys. a nice chat on the phone with an ex.
i don't even date around anymore. faidzal was the last cuz i realize i am not ready for a new guy at all. maybe i am stuck in the past. well can't blame me, the past is lovely.
who says couples have all the fun? i've been single for almost a year and i'd say, singles are in the run for happiest people in the world.
cuz what we don't share with an other half we share with more. we share with more friends, more family, more self.
and what we don't share we keep to ourselves. and it is nourishing. a growing soul fed by hedonism.
no one said being alone means being selfish. being alone doesn't mean being lonely. being alone doesn't mean moping for an ex, a crush, a love lost.
being alone is being happy in your own company. keeping yourself entertained. keeping yourself happy. satisfied. and once you are happy alone... god you will be happy anywhere. anywhere at all.
why am i so hell- bent on enjoying solitude? preserving it, in fact?
cuz when you die, when you're buried, when you're underground far far away from the elements of the world that kept you alive, kept you happy, you are all alone. only you and the soil around you. only you and other dead bodies around. this applies to the buried souls. to the cremated, at the crematorium, you are all alone. on a metal stretcher built for one, you're pushed into the gaping hole of heat, as flames lick you, you're alone.
maybe its morbidity in itself to live life as you would dead. but to me, nothing gave me greater satisfaction and sense of achievement than the day i first ate alone in town. it was a personal hurdle. when you can not care about people looking at you like you're weird, a social outcast with no friends to eat with, you become stronger in the face of other adversity. being alone is such a beautiful feeling. when you feel alone and totally in sync with yourself... that moment, when you can feel everything in you click and life is perfect even when you're all alone... then you have it.
the art of solitude.
i'm bedridden. bah. on a saturday. oh well. nothing pills and a hot water bottle can't cure.
i will be last to deny i was nasty in that entry. but to call me a stuck- up bitch for treating a 'nice' guy that way?
i think i already said that i never told him "oh my god you're so ugly and pathetic what makes you think i'll date you?" no i told him we're different. which as you can see now from all the blog entries, we are.
he IS a nice guy. and i AM a mean bitch when i want to be one. but stuck- up? far from it. i never said he wasn't good enough for me. he just wasn't FOR me. difference.
i guess that's the reason why i felt the need to explain myself twenty times over cuz i know seeing that he was such a great guy, no one would be able to comprehend why i didn't like him back.
but you cannot call me stuck- up for not liking him back. you can't force feelings like that.
and despite his messages that tend to annoy me and the few nights when he called me at 3/ 4 a.m., i was nothing less than polite to him at every point of time.
so i can see where the bitch remark is coming from, but no, not stuck- up. wrong choice of words.
besides, i never said i was sad to be single. if i really wanted to, it wouldn't have been that difficult to just be with faid and enjoy the benefits. now that would be bitchy.
but i enjoy my singlehood. i am in no hurry to end this blissful period of my life.
many people wonder, how to be happy alone?
being alone is being with yourself. so love that self. give it what it wants. for me, books, chocolates, an icy cup of coke can do wonders. alone in my house in the silenced living room with a good book is paradise to me.
if you're not much of a reader, well, find something. anything. i've rock- climbed alone at this place in tanjong pagar. it was fun (and cheap). i've watched a movie alone, i've eaten lunch, dinner in public alone. i've definitely shopped alone. haha. i've been to the beach alone. and when you learn to be comfortable with this much solitude...
you learn to enjoy your mum's company. the weekly dinner dates at nice cosy cafes. the weekly dates with the best friends. the ocassional trip to the beach with girlfriends. the spontaneous outing to town with the boys. a nice chat on the phone with an ex.
i don't even date around anymore. faidzal was the last cuz i realize i am not ready for a new guy at all. maybe i am stuck in the past. well can't blame me, the past is lovely.
who says couples have all the fun? i've been single for almost a year and i'd say, singles are in the run for happiest people in the world.
cuz what we don't share with an other half we share with more. we share with more friends, more family, more self.
and what we don't share we keep to ourselves. and it is nourishing. a growing soul fed by hedonism.
no one said being alone means being selfish. being alone doesn't mean being lonely. being alone doesn't mean moping for an ex, a crush, a love lost.
being alone is being happy in your own company. keeping yourself entertained. keeping yourself happy. satisfied. and once you are happy alone... god you will be happy anywhere. anywhere at all.
why am i so hell- bent on enjoying solitude? preserving it, in fact?
cuz when you die, when you're buried, when you're underground far far away from the elements of the world that kept you alive, kept you happy, you are all alone. only you and the soil around you. only you and other dead bodies around. this applies to the buried souls. to the cremated, at the crematorium, you are all alone. on a metal stretcher built for one, you're pushed into the gaping hole of heat, as flames lick you, you're alone.
maybe its morbidity in itself to live life as you would dead. but to me, nothing gave me greater satisfaction and sense of achievement than the day i first ate alone in town. it was a personal hurdle. when you can not care about people looking at you like you're weird, a social outcast with no friends to eat with, you become stronger in the face of other adversity. being alone is such a beautiful feeling. when you feel alone and totally in sync with yourself... that moment, when you can feel everything in you click and life is perfect even when you're all alone... then you have it.
the art of solitude.
shopaholics anonymous
got a skirt and another bikini today. all the more reason why my husband- to- be BETTER get me a house near the beach. or else all these bikinis shall go to waste. hahahaharam.
anyhoos.
shopping with the power minah sisterhood was FUN! haha. comprising of me, nydia and chief minah- sara. :)
we each got a bag of something from forever 21 and i got more from topshop. then before i came they had shopped. so yea.
GREAT SINGAPORE SALE!
sara left soon after cuz she had to go meet her bai. hahaha. me and nyd headed to far east, looked around, and then headed to coffee club @ cali fitness for FONDUE.
*many orgasmic noises*
many terrible innuendos can be made over a fondue so i shall remember not to have it on a date. oh i dropped my banana! my banana is dripping on your kiwi. can you at least wait till i finish my banana? i love big bananas.
imagine if they had papayas. oh wow the papaya is so nice and soft. -_-
nyd and me laughed so much i think we scared the waiters. but well i scare most people most of the time anyway so ya.
while we were walking back 2 note- worthy things happened. 1- i spotted a cute malay guy at british india. note- worthy cuz lately all malay guys are just mats or fugly. he wasn't a mat, he was cute, and he wore green. DING DING DING! score. but nah. just eye- candy. he just gave me hope that not all is lost yet for my race.
2- an old chinese man walking ahead of us at wisma atria. in front of him was a couple holding hands and walking relatively slowly, and this man suddenly turned in my direction and blasted, "this guy ah never hold girl's hand before!" before overtaking them and disappearing into the crowd. i just gaped at him before bursting into a fit of laughter with nyd.
like WHAT LA you old man. so cranky. haha. i get it they were walking slowly but i don't see the link with holding hands. maybe he's just bitter. besides the walkway was terminally huge why did he have to walk behind the couple anyway?
but ya that was funny. cuz when he said it i actually looked at the couple's hands. me being me. and yes they were holding hands but just barely so i thought, ok, they're not exactly groping or doing R(A) stuff so why so pissy? then i saw him overtake them contemptously and realize he probably got annoyed by their slow pace. which, has nothing to do with holding hands cuz take it from me, you can run and still hold hands. but hey, the apek couldn't care less. he has a train to catch. :D
ahhh funny people abodes town.
i love shopping.
i was wondering why looks are so important. why do people want to look good? since when did looking good became an issue?
i guess in the early centuries fashion was never much of an industry and everyone looked and dressed the same. cross- cultural marriages and travellers led to exoticized looks and widened options in fashion.
and humans being progressive, made it a competition. its never about just looking good, but looking good enough to get a cat- call, or a second look, or win a pageant, or to look better than your boy's ex. you don't just want to look good, you want to look the best in your circle.
looks are also the only aspect of a person/ personality that you can see without any form of speech/ communication. looks are the only parts of a person that you see and know. looks are the only way of knowing a stranger. looks are the first aspect of judgement of a being, preceding conversation.
so yes, looking good is important to some extent. but looking good is not about having the best skin or the nicest clothes. looking good is about being comfortable in your skin. most good- looking people i know are happy. and they are contented with their looks. cuz satisfaction, really, is the root to happiness.
anyway. everyone wants to look good.
so everyone should shop. hahaha. sorry i can't discuss this further. major cramps.
save it for another night.
I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
Alanis Morissette; Hand in Pocket
got a skirt and another bikini today. all the more reason why my husband- to- be BETTER get me a house near the beach. or else all these bikinis shall go to waste. hahahaharam.
anyhoos.
shopping with the power minah sisterhood was FUN! haha. comprising of me, nydia and chief minah- sara. :)
we each got a bag of something from forever 21 and i got more from topshop. then before i came they had shopped. so yea.
GREAT SINGAPORE SALE!
sara left soon after cuz she had to go meet her bai. hahaha. me and nyd headed to far east, looked around, and then headed to coffee club @ cali fitness for FONDUE.
*many orgasmic noises*
many terrible innuendos can be made over a fondue so i shall remember not to have it on a date. oh i dropped my banana! my banana is dripping on your kiwi. can you at least wait till i finish my banana? i love big bananas.
imagine if they had papayas. oh wow the papaya is so nice and soft. -_-
nyd and me laughed so much i think we scared the waiters. but well i scare most people most of the time anyway so ya.
while we were walking back 2 note- worthy things happened. 1- i spotted a cute malay guy at british india. note- worthy cuz lately all malay guys are just mats or fugly. he wasn't a mat, he was cute, and he wore green. DING DING DING! score. but nah. just eye- candy. he just gave me hope that not all is lost yet for my race.
2- an old chinese man walking ahead of us at wisma atria. in front of him was a couple holding hands and walking relatively slowly, and this man suddenly turned in my direction and blasted, "this guy ah never hold girl's hand before!" before overtaking them and disappearing into the crowd. i just gaped at him before bursting into a fit of laughter with nyd.
like WHAT LA you old man. so cranky. haha. i get it they were walking slowly but i don't see the link with holding hands. maybe he's just bitter. besides the walkway was terminally huge why did he have to walk behind the couple anyway?
but ya that was funny. cuz when he said it i actually looked at the couple's hands. me being me. and yes they were holding hands but just barely so i thought, ok, they're not exactly groping or doing R(A) stuff so why so pissy? then i saw him overtake them contemptously and realize he probably got annoyed by their slow pace. which, has nothing to do with holding hands cuz take it from me, you can run and still hold hands. but hey, the apek couldn't care less. he has a train to catch. :D
ahhh funny people abodes town.
i love shopping.
i was wondering why looks are so important. why do people want to look good? since when did looking good became an issue?
i guess in the early centuries fashion was never much of an industry and everyone looked and dressed the same. cross- cultural marriages and travellers led to exoticized looks and widened options in fashion.
and humans being progressive, made it a competition. its never about just looking good, but looking good enough to get a cat- call, or a second look, or win a pageant, or to look better than your boy's ex. you don't just want to look good, you want to look the best in your circle.
looks are also the only aspect of a person/ personality that you can see without any form of speech/ communication. looks are the only parts of a person that you see and know. looks are the only way of knowing a stranger. looks are the first aspect of judgement of a being, preceding conversation.
so yes, looking good is important to some extent. but looking good is not about having the best skin or the nicest clothes. looking good is about being comfortable in your skin. most good- looking people i know are happy. and they are contented with their looks. cuz satisfaction, really, is the root to happiness.
anyway. everyone wants to look good.
so everyone should shop. hahaha. sorry i can't discuss this further. major cramps.
save it for another night.
I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
Alanis Morissette; Hand in Pocket
Friday, May 27, 2005
headbanging
my house is full of carpenters, doing reworks. noisy noisy.
early this morning while i was reading in the living room at about 4 a.m, i got up to go pee in the kitchen toilet. after that i came out and sat in my living room. seconds later i saw the shadow of something falling in the kitchen and heard a big crash.
rushed there and stopped at the doorway of the kitchen, right at my foot was a huge chunk of glass.
kitchen light had fallen. crashed to smithereens. seconds earlier, and it wouldn't have been the floor that smashed, but my head.
went upstairs to put on my bedroom slippers and got a- sweeping. scary.
okay MORE have commented on my very harsh entry last night. some said i sound very angry, some said i was unjustly judging him.
any form of judging is unjust, i agree.
but i think what no one understands is the exasperation. what no one understands is that i have told him i don't like him calling me mushy names, i don't like him being mushy to me in general and at the end of it all, i don't like him. not that way.
if he had not mentioned missing me and tried to be all sappy on me yesterday, that entry wouldn't have happened. i don't know faidzal well but i do know him well enough to know that he won't give up easily. that was why i refuse to reply to his messages. or see him at the shop. cuz any form of contact AT ALL, no matter how curt, would rekindle something for him or worse, give him hope. yesterday was a fine example.
even the day i told him that "i don't feel for you like you feel for me," "i think you're moving way ahead of me, thinking of 'us' before you even know 'me'," he nodded his head, said he understand, then when i mentioned, "i'm not ready for a relationship, with anyone. its not you." "no la i understand, actually i also didn't want to be in one but when i saw you then i was hoping that, maybe, you know." and later, "i do want to have a relationship with you la... *hopeful face directed at me* but if you don't then its ok... i understand." and later that night he asked my mum if he was suitable for her daughter. !!!!! my mum don't know you that well either to predict such.
and given our very different wavelengths things i say often get misunderstood. yesterday's "have a good life" is an example. so no matter what i say or do, there's a chance he can misread it for as a sign of hope. that is why, i do nothing.
i guess people would say that that just means we're different people, doesn't mean i have to loathe him for it, i don't have to talk down his flaws that are flaws only to me and not to others. but that's the thing. when i found out we were so different, i backed out. i knew further attempts at communication would exasperate me i.e. yesterday.
at the same time i know i am impatient and unreasonable. the reason why i don't like him is also partly because of my unreasonable standards. no, its not like he wasn't good enough. like i mentioned, he's a GREAT guy, a GREAT catch and he knows it. which is probably why he doesn't understand why i don't like him. but that's the thing. i thought it couldn't be that hard to fall for a tall sweet guy who is polite to my mum and has pretty much everything. i thought this was what i've always wanted and didn't get. proper dates. where the guy fetches and sends you home and pays for your meals and movie tickets and you guys hold hands as you walk along the streets of town.
but though that might sound romantic and ideal to most, not so for me.
with him, i realized i prefer the simplicity of my exes and previous dates. where we meet at town or wherever, we go dutch, we pay for our own movies, we eat cheap ice- cream. we window- shop then we laugh and i punch him and tease him and pinch as we walk to toys'r'us or fort canning park. where we can just sit and talk about anything under the sky, not just us. that's ideal to me.
i was foolish for thinking that material needs can buy my 'like'. that was very shallow of me, to want to give him a shot because he was convenient. i admit i play a big part in the mess that ensued. however i left. i need people to understand that. that i never gave him false hopes. i lay it down for him. plain and simple, black and white. and if he misunderstood that too then what more can i do?
i tried to like faidzal cuz i saw nothing wrong in him. and i realize my mistake now.
the boys that i like...
i like because i saw wonderful things in them. i saw a bond,a connection, i saw great things that makes- up for their flaws.
faidzal had nothing wonderful. nothing wow. which is not a bad thing, cuz he had simple things. but his simplicity became his flaw when his simple- mindedness led him from friendship to liking to love (???) to potential marriage in the span of 2 weeks.
i know accusing him of being desperate was harsh. but i just see no sense in wanting to marry someone you barely know. maybe he really loved you. no he couldn't have, he didn't even know me. and i'm not referring to time. its not cuz it was only two weeks, he couldn't possibly have gotten to know me but more cuz i know he doesn't know the small things that matters to me cuz that's just not his thing. to him, if he likes the girl based on whatever assumptions and what little he knows of her and the girl continues talking to him, he assumes that its green light all the way for happy ever after.
i guess maybe our idea of love was very different. our ideas of marriage? very different. our definition of knowing someone? very different.
different different different. i don't blame him for being different, no, i am just tired and exasperated that he can't see this difference, that he persist despite me pointing out this difference. maybe i have to admire his strong- will but i don't. i think its silly stubborn- ness.
second long- ass entry on a boy who doesn't even read this blog. i hope that somewhat explains the anger of yesterday. that was a very ugly side of me, i admit. i am flawed too. and i guess somewhere out there someone is saying similar nasty things about me too. that would only be fair.
i am sorry for the harsh treatment, but i am not stopping it just yet cuz the minute he sees an opening, faid the opportunist would come rushing forward and try again and again and again.
there doesn't seem to be a right way of ending this entry.
maybe its all just me. i am unreasonable and impossible and impatient and inconsiderate. all the more, faid should go find a better girl for him. any girl, just someone not me.
my house is full of carpenters, doing reworks. noisy noisy.
early this morning while i was reading in the living room at about 4 a.m, i got up to go pee in the kitchen toilet. after that i came out and sat in my living room. seconds later i saw the shadow of something falling in the kitchen and heard a big crash.
rushed there and stopped at the doorway of the kitchen, right at my foot was a huge chunk of glass.
kitchen light had fallen. crashed to smithereens. seconds earlier, and it wouldn't have been the floor that smashed, but my head.
went upstairs to put on my bedroom slippers and got a- sweeping. scary.
okay MORE have commented on my very harsh entry last night. some said i sound very angry, some said i was unjustly judging him.
any form of judging is unjust, i agree.
but i think what no one understands is the exasperation. what no one understands is that i have told him i don't like him calling me mushy names, i don't like him being mushy to me in general and at the end of it all, i don't like him. not that way.
if he had not mentioned missing me and tried to be all sappy on me yesterday, that entry wouldn't have happened. i don't know faidzal well but i do know him well enough to know that he won't give up easily. that was why i refuse to reply to his messages. or see him at the shop. cuz any form of contact AT ALL, no matter how curt, would rekindle something for him or worse, give him hope. yesterday was a fine example.
even the day i told him that "i don't feel for you like you feel for me," "i think you're moving way ahead of me, thinking of 'us' before you even know 'me'," he nodded his head, said he understand, then when i mentioned, "i'm not ready for a relationship, with anyone. its not you." "no la i understand, actually i also didn't want to be in one but when i saw you then i was hoping that, maybe, you know." and later, "i do want to have a relationship with you la... *hopeful face directed at me* but if you don't then its ok... i understand." and later that night he asked my mum if he was suitable for her daughter. !!!!! my mum don't know you that well either to predict such.
and given our very different wavelengths things i say often get misunderstood. yesterday's "have a good life" is an example. so no matter what i say or do, there's a chance he can misread it for as a sign of hope. that is why, i do nothing.
i guess people would say that that just means we're different people, doesn't mean i have to loathe him for it, i don't have to talk down his flaws that are flaws only to me and not to others. but that's the thing. when i found out we were so different, i backed out. i knew further attempts at communication would exasperate me i.e. yesterday.
at the same time i know i am impatient and unreasonable. the reason why i don't like him is also partly because of my unreasonable standards. no, its not like he wasn't good enough. like i mentioned, he's a GREAT guy, a GREAT catch and he knows it. which is probably why he doesn't understand why i don't like him. but that's the thing. i thought it couldn't be that hard to fall for a tall sweet guy who is polite to my mum and has pretty much everything. i thought this was what i've always wanted and didn't get. proper dates. where the guy fetches and sends you home and pays for your meals and movie tickets and you guys hold hands as you walk along the streets of town.
but though that might sound romantic and ideal to most, not so for me.
with him, i realized i prefer the simplicity of my exes and previous dates. where we meet at town or wherever, we go dutch, we pay for our own movies, we eat cheap ice- cream. we window- shop then we laugh and i punch him and tease him and pinch as we walk to toys'r'us or fort canning park. where we can just sit and talk about anything under the sky, not just us. that's ideal to me.
i was foolish for thinking that material needs can buy my 'like'. that was very shallow of me, to want to give him a shot because he was convenient. i admit i play a big part in the mess that ensued. however i left. i need people to understand that. that i never gave him false hopes. i lay it down for him. plain and simple, black and white. and if he misunderstood that too then what more can i do?
i tried to like faidzal cuz i saw nothing wrong in him. and i realize my mistake now.
the boys that i like...
i like because i saw wonderful things in them. i saw a bond,a connection, i saw great things that makes- up for their flaws.
faidzal had nothing wonderful. nothing wow. which is not a bad thing, cuz he had simple things. but his simplicity became his flaw when his simple- mindedness led him from friendship to liking to love (???) to potential marriage in the span of 2 weeks.
i know accusing him of being desperate was harsh. but i just see no sense in wanting to marry someone you barely know. maybe he really loved you. no he couldn't have, he didn't even know me. and i'm not referring to time. its not cuz it was only two weeks, he couldn't possibly have gotten to know me but more cuz i know he doesn't know the small things that matters to me cuz that's just not his thing. to him, if he likes the girl based on whatever assumptions and what little he knows of her and the girl continues talking to him, he assumes that its green light all the way for happy ever after.
i guess maybe our idea of love was very different. our ideas of marriage? very different. our definition of knowing someone? very different.
different different different. i don't blame him for being different, no, i am just tired and exasperated that he can't see this difference, that he persist despite me pointing out this difference. maybe i have to admire his strong- will but i don't. i think its silly stubborn- ness.
second long- ass entry on a boy who doesn't even read this blog. i hope that somewhat explains the anger of yesterday. that was a very ugly side of me, i admit. i am flawed too. and i guess somewhere out there someone is saying similar nasty things about me too. that would only be fair.
i am sorry for the harsh treatment, but i am not stopping it just yet cuz the minute he sees an opening, faid the opportunist would come rushing forward and try again and again and again.
there doesn't seem to be a right way of ending this entry.
maybe its all just me. i am unreasonable and impossible and impatient and inconsiderate. all the more, faid should go find a better girl for him. any girl, just someone not me.
i see you baby
shakin' that ass, shakin' that ass, shakin' that ass, alright don't touch me.
i think that's one heckuva confused lyrics. for those who have NO IDEA what i am talking about, thou art blessed.
anyway that song crossed my mind when i saw cisse dancing around the cup early this morning, and again when i saw the picture of him in his birthday suit with just a gold medal on him today in the papers. heh.
it takes no fool to figure out my mood today. i was on a roll. the joy could not be dampered. :)
many things today. met mum at bugis. to eat. at. wismangan.
*shudder* yes i went back. there. and yes. he was there. and yes. no regrets. except maybe for crushing on him in the first place. cuz he then mistook my crush for mutual likeness. oh no no no no way.
anyway yea he looks the same. i guess. he got a new haircut and all that razzmatazz but whatever. after dinner was movie with mum, monster- in- law. which was GOOD! jane fonda should go into comedy. she's a real cracker.
at the end of the movie... i don't know. will brood on this in a bit.
but anyway yes so faidzal of course texted me after seeing me. and his message?
";p"
THAT'S IT. A SMILEY. i know i know he did it before. and i didn't seem to mind then. well i'm biased. if i like you, i like your fart too. no actually i don't but you catch my ball. i mean drift. ARGH YOU GET IT LA.
anyway.
felt obliged to reply since i was so formal and un- chatty at the shop. but what do you reply to a smiley? "oh hi. just finished watching movie." best i could muster, not exactly the best line though.
he replied something about not being able to watch a movie cuz he is so busy (blablabla heard this a jillion times when we were talking back then) and how nice it was to see me and my mum again at the shop and how is life and oh, he missed seeing me.
DING DING DING!
sirens, thunderstorms, lightning, then angels, fairies, devils, elves, and goblins. they all screamed, "RUN!"
showed mum the message and she laughed at me. "see la who ask you to joke about wanting to marry him (i did a looooooong time ago when he was just a stranger- waiter and it was a JOKE gone too far)? now he really wants to. hahaha."
ahhh my mum. lovely sense of humour, really.
told him life was good and simple, like i want it to be. told him to have a good life.
i meant HAVE one. there was no question mark. but he replied, "what make you says(sic) i have a good life? ;"
i'm not kidding. that was the precise message, grammar mistake intact and a very handicapped smiley. and a few nights back he sent me a supposedly inspirational and moving message i guess, seemingly to reflect on his deep profound thoughts on life. something about no matter how bad your problems are never give up cuz there's others worse than you blablabla. the whole thing has atrocious grammar and he made 5 spelling mistakes. 2 i remembered were bearly= BARELY. and freind= FRIEND. probably too busy planning his wedding when the teacher was teaching spelling. meow.
i cannot cannot cannot tolerate such ignorance. i cannot stand the stupid. well i can. but not the stupid who thinks they are smart and clever and oh- so- old- and- matured. and DON'T start on how miserable your life is, how no, you are not having a good life, that everything is bad and i'm sad and miserable and a pathetic old cow desperate to get hitched won't you take pity on me and marry me?
i'm sorry i am being very nasty here cuz i've been dying to let this out.
i thought you were matured, wise. but you're not. you're far from it. you wanted me to be your girlfriend in the first week of knowing me. granted part of it was my mistake, maybe giving you the wrong signs and mistaking my crush on you for genuine interest. however i realized soon enough it wasn't and i backed off. i left. i made it clear i want out. i didn't play hard- to- get i didn't stick around to tempt you back cuz i really really wanted out. cuz you scared me. you suggested marriage. which is ther stupidest move in the world. not just because its ME, commitment- phobe of the century but also because you barely knew me. you didn't even know my FATHER'S name. whatever made you think i would want to be a wife? why in god's name would you pounce on a girl barely out of her teens and grab her hand and steer her in the direction of holy matrifuckenmony?
cuz you're nuts. cuz you're NOT matured. cuz, call me harsh, you appear in a hurry, so i assumed you were desperate for one. which honestly you shouldn't be. unshrouded by my very bias and unreasonable standards, you are a decent guy. great guy. a girl would be lucky to be with you. just don't suggest marriage so soon. get to know her first as a person. not every mummy's girl who looks good in a skirt should qualify as wife for you. that, is a sign of immaturity. and if so, you clearly need some growing up to do before you even think about marriage.
some have needlessly point out to me that i cannot accuse him of such cuz at his age and with the size of his bank account, he has the right to be looking for a wife, he has the right to want to get married. OF COURSE he has the right. but he has the WRONG APPROACH. you need to get to know a person first before you marry her. or at least, that only makes sense to me. if you just pounce on a random girl and seek to domesticate her, well don't bite me for calling that desperate.
i have been harsh. not replying your messages and all that. but one day you will understand. one day i will explain. for now its not happening cuz just when i thought enough space and time have been given, i came to the shop and you gave me the same shit i told you turned me right off. what is up with you.
so ya whatever. call me a bitch but if i don't like the guy, i just don't. and i didn't play him out, i told him nice and clear, i want out. i didn't play mind- games, i didn't take advantage of his generosity. in fact i put an end to it as soon as i can. and if he is sore over my not- so- warm reply to his mindless and pointless irrelevant reply of "what makes you say i'm having a good life", well too bad. deal with it.
on a happier note.
me and hafiz the belo one were texting each other and long story short, i said, "i still love you. its just not the same as before. or yours. i'm not sure what it is. but i know i do. i just don't want to go back to the tumultous relationship we had just yet."
and he replied, "whatever happens happens i guess. people change over time. i love you."
"i love you too."
in the movie charlotte had to put up with HELL from her mom- in- law who totally adored her son. and i MEAN hell. the mom pulled all stops to prevent their marriage from hapenning. but in the end they got married, in the end the in- laws hugged. and i can't help but wonder why i can't put up the same fight for me and hafiz. *shrugs* in good time, i guess.
i love you too.
(add note at 3.14 a.m.) Disclaimer: upon re- reading this several times and after friends pointing it out, i realize i was very harsh on faid here. i don't hate him, i never said he is a hopeless ugly bastard. he's just not my type and the sooner he realizes this the better. plus, he doesn't read my blog. AND i know my grammar and spelling is not fantastic either but i am not expecting a smorgasbord of fancy multi- syllable words from him. just reasonable grammar and spelling. spelling mistakes that only primary school kids can afford is beyond me. i am sorry. i am indeed anal. do hate me for that if you must. this was a very long disclaimer.
shakin' that ass, shakin' that ass, shakin' that ass, alright don't touch me.
i think that's one heckuva confused lyrics. for those who have NO IDEA what i am talking about, thou art blessed.
anyway that song crossed my mind when i saw cisse dancing around the cup early this morning, and again when i saw the picture of him in his birthday suit with just a gold medal on him today in the papers. heh.
it takes no fool to figure out my mood today. i was on a roll. the joy could not be dampered. :)
many things today. met mum at bugis. to eat. at. wismangan.
*shudder* yes i went back. there. and yes. he was there. and yes. no regrets. except maybe for crushing on him in the first place. cuz he then mistook my crush for mutual likeness. oh no no no no way.
anyway yea he looks the same. i guess. he got a new haircut and all that razzmatazz but whatever. after dinner was movie with mum, monster- in- law. which was GOOD! jane fonda should go into comedy. she's a real cracker.
at the end of the movie... i don't know. will brood on this in a bit.
but anyway yes so faidzal of course texted me after seeing me. and his message?
";p"
THAT'S IT. A SMILEY. i know i know he did it before. and i didn't seem to mind then. well i'm biased. if i like you, i like your fart too. no actually i don't but you catch my ball. i mean drift. ARGH YOU GET IT LA.
anyway.
felt obliged to reply since i was so formal and un- chatty at the shop. but what do you reply to a smiley? "oh hi. just finished watching movie." best i could muster, not exactly the best line though.
he replied something about not being able to watch a movie cuz he is so busy (blablabla heard this a jillion times when we were talking back then) and how nice it was to see me and my mum again at the shop and how is life and oh, he missed seeing me.
DING DING DING!
sirens, thunderstorms, lightning, then angels, fairies, devils, elves, and goblins. they all screamed, "RUN!"
showed mum the message and she laughed at me. "see la who ask you to joke about wanting to marry him (i did a looooooong time ago when he was just a stranger- waiter and it was a JOKE gone too far)? now he really wants to. hahaha."
ahhh my mum. lovely sense of humour, really.
told him life was good and simple, like i want it to be. told him to have a good life.
i meant HAVE one. there was no question mark. but he replied, "what make you says(sic) i have a good life? ;"
i'm not kidding. that was the precise message, grammar mistake intact and a very handicapped smiley. and a few nights back he sent me a supposedly inspirational and moving message i guess, seemingly to reflect on his deep profound thoughts on life. something about no matter how bad your problems are never give up cuz there's others worse than you blablabla. the whole thing has atrocious grammar and he made 5 spelling mistakes. 2 i remembered were bearly= BARELY. and freind= FRIEND. probably too busy planning his wedding when the teacher was teaching spelling. meow.
i cannot cannot cannot tolerate such ignorance. i cannot stand the stupid. well i can. but not the stupid who thinks they are smart and clever and oh- so- old- and- matured. and DON'T start on how miserable your life is, how no, you are not having a good life, that everything is bad and i'm sad and miserable and a pathetic old cow desperate to get hitched won't you take pity on me and marry me?
i'm sorry i am being very nasty here cuz i've been dying to let this out.
i thought you were matured, wise. but you're not. you're far from it. you wanted me to be your girlfriend in the first week of knowing me. granted part of it was my mistake, maybe giving you the wrong signs and mistaking my crush on you for genuine interest. however i realized soon enough it wasn't and i backed off. i left. i made it clear i want out. i didn't play hard- to- get i didn't stick around to tempt you back cuz i really really wanted out. cuz you scared me. you suggested marriage. which is ther stupidest move in the world. not just because its ME, commitment- phobe of the century but also because you barely knew me. you didn't even know my FATHER'S name. whatever made you think i would want to be a wife? why in god's name would you pounce on a girl barely out of her teens and grab her hand and steer her in the direction of holy matrifuckenmony?
cuz you're nuts. cuz you're NOT matured. cuz, call me harsh, you appear in a hurry, so i assumed you were desperate for one. which honestly you shouldn't be. unshrouded by my very bias and unreasonable standards, you are a decent guy. great guy. a girl would be lucky to be with you. just don't suggest marriage so soon. get to know her first as a person. not every mummy's girl who looks good in a skirt should qualify as wife for you. that, is a sign of immaturity. and if so, you clearly need some growing up to do before you even think about marriage.
some have needlessly point out to me that i cannot accuse him of such cuz at his age and with the size of his bank account, he has the right to be looking for a wife, he has the right to want to get married. OF COURSE he has the right. but he has the WRONG APPROACH. you need to get to know a person first before you marry her. or at least, that only makes sense to me. if you just pounce on a random girl and seek to domesticate her, well don't bite me for calling that desperate.
i have been harsh. not replying your messages and all that. but one day you will understand. one day i will explain. for now its not happening cuz just when i thought enough space and time have been given, i came to the shop and you gave me the same shit i told you turned me right off. what is up with you.
so ya whatever. call me a bitch but if i don't like the guy, i just don't. and i didn't play him out, i told him nice and clear, i want out. i didn't play mind- games, i didn't take advantage of his generosity. in fact i put an end to it as soon as i can. and if he is sore over my not- so- warm reply to his mindless and pointless irrelevant reply of "what makes you say i'm having a good life", well too bad. deal with it.
on a happier note.
me and hafiz the belo one were texting each other and long story short, i said, "i still love you. its just not the same as before. or yours. i'm not sure what it is. but i know i do. i just don't want to go back to the tumultous relationship we had just yet."
and he replied, "whatever happens happens i guess. people change over time. i love you."
"i love you too."
in the movie charlotte had to put up with HELL from her mom- in- law who totally adored her son. and i MEAN hell. the mom pulled all stops to prevent their marriage from hapenning. but in the end they got married, in the end the in- laws hugged. and i can't help but wonder why i can't put up the same fight for me and hafiz. *shrugs* in good time, i guess.
i love you too.
(add note at 3.14 a.m.) Disclaimer: upon re- reading this several times and after friends pointing it out, i realize i was very harsh on faid here. i don't hate him, i never said he is a hopeless ugly bastard. he's just not my type and the sooner he realizes this the better. plus, he doesn't read my blog. AND i know my grammar and spelling is not fantastic either but i am not expecting a smorgasbord of fancy multi- syllable words from him. just reasonable grammar and spelling. spelling mistakes that only primary school kids can afford is beyond me. i am sorry. i am indeed anal. do hate me for that if you must. this was a very long disclaimer.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
BOO YA.
what can i say. what CAN i say?
it wasn't flip- talk when i said if Milan can score 3 in 45 minutes, so can Liverpool. i meant it. cuz Liverpudlians fight.
scored 3 goals in 6 minutes. stevie g, vladmir smicer and xabi alonso. all that after the commentator says, "maybe liverpool should be looking for an early flight home!" before the first half even ended.
jamie carragher stretched himself time and again for fabulous saves and great defenses. gerrard dropped back all the time and provided a strong backline of defence. sami hyppia headed away most of Milan opportunities at raising the cup. and star of it all, dudek. who gave us all heart palpitations (of the bad kind) in the first half with his eccentric saves and scattered moves.
but when it came down to the penalty shoot- out, he was THE man. he SAVED three spot- kicks. one of which was from European Player of The Year, Andriy Shevchenko. he SAVED the game. he won the cup for us.
somehow when they went into 30 minutes extra time i knew their fate was sealed. penalty shoot- out (heartbeat rate quadrupled). cuz liverpool can never strike first. and since milan wasn't scoring...
well i could go on.
if you want a less emotional story (i teared at the 54th minute, 56th and 60th- happy ones) with probably more objective reporting, click here.
liverpool rose from 3- 0 deficit at first half, to an astounding 3- 3 at the end of the second half, holding it for 30 minutes of extra time, then sealing it all through penalties.
when gerrard scored the first goal, i threw my arms up in thriumph. i kneeled in a praying position. 2 minutes later my prayers were answered with smicer's smasher of a goal. i stood up and did a little happy dance. 4 minutes later gerrard earned a penalty. i got up and ran across my living room to the doorway and back, did several crazy tribal dances, and threw my hands up as i stood on my sofa cheering and dancing at 4 a.m. when alonso converted that penalty (albeit at his second shot), at the risk of sticking my hands into the spinning fan. the rest of the match i cussed, stopped breathing, sighed relief and much more.
at 5.15 a.m. i was stunned into silence as dudek denied shevchenko of his penalty shot. only when i saw the team ran up to dudek and crush him did i realize, WE WON. then the screams and shrieks came, and more heebeejeebees dances. who cares who i woke up. this is a cause for celebration of a large magnitude.
the UEFA Champions League Cup is Liverpudlians'. thank you Liverpool, for a beautiful game and a courageous display. and of course, AC Milan, for the fantastic match. the camarederie between the two teams was heartwarming. now that's a winner with class.
getting comfy for the game. snacks, coke, blanket and soft throw- able objects.
winning team. with 3 substitutes; final team was with smicer, cisse and hamann. no harry, baros and riise.
liverpudlians. we'll never walk alone.
ours.
now that, was a Theatre of Dreams.
The Beautiful Game.
that, my friends, was classic Liverpool.
what can i say. what CAN i say?
it wasn't flip- talk when i said if Milan can score 3 in 45 minutes, so can Liverpool. i meant it. cuz Liverpudlians fight.
scored 3 goals in 6 minutes. stevie g, vladmir smicer and xabi alonso. all that after the commentator says, "maybe liverpool should be looking for an early flight home!" before the first half even ended.
jamie carragher stretched himself time and again for fabulous saves and great defenses. gerrard dropped back all the time and provided a strong backline of defence. sami hyppia headed away most of Milan opportunities at raising the cup. and star of it all, dudek. who gave us all heart palpitations (of the bad kind) in the first half with his eccentric saves and scattered moves.
but when it came down to the penalty shoot- out, he was THE man. he SAVED three spot- kicks. one of which was from European Player of The Year, Andriy Shevchenko. he SAVED the game. he won the cup for us.
somehow when they went into 30 minutes extra time i knew their fate was sealed. penalty shoot- out (heartbeat rate quadrupled). cuz liverpool can never strike first. and since milan wasn't scoring...
well i could go on.
if you want a less emotional story (i teared at the 54th minute, 56th and 60th- happy ones) with probably more objective reporting, click here.
liverpool rose from 3- 0 deficit at first half, to an astounding 3- 3 at the end of the second half, holding it for 30 minutes of extra time, then sealing it all through penalties.
when gerrard scored the first goal, i threw my arms up in thriumph. i kneeled in a praying position. 2 minutes later my prayers were answered with smicer's smasher of a goal. i stood up and did a little happy dance. 4 minutes later gerrard earned a penalty. i got up and ran across my living room to the doorway and back, did several crazy tribal dances, and threw my hands up as i stood on my sofa cheering and dancing at 4 a.m. when alonso converted that penalty (albeit at his second shot), at the risk of sticking my hands into the spinning fan. the rest of the match i cussed, stopped breathing, sighed relief and much more.
at 5.15 a.m. i was stunned into silence as dudek denied shevchenko of his penalty shot. only when i saw the team ran up to dudek and crush him did i realize, WE WON. then the screams and shrieks came, and more heebeejeebees dances. who cares who i woke up. this is a cause for celebration of a large magnitude.
the UEFA Champions League Cup is Liverpudlians'. thank you Liverpool, for a beautiful game and a courageous display. and of course, AC Milan, for the fantastic match. the camarederie between the two teams was heartwarming. now that's a winner with class.
getting comfy for the game. snacks, coke, blanket and soft throw- able objects.
winning team. with 3 substitutes; final team was with smicer, cisse and hamann. no harry, baros and riise.
liverpudlians. we'll never walk alone.
ours.
now that, was a Theatre of Dreams.
The Beautiful Game.
that, my friends, was classic Liverpool.
1st minute i panicked.
39th minute i slammed my bolster to the floor.
44th minute i cried. and cried. till half- time.
FUCK YOU COMMENTATORS. IF AC MILAN CAN SCORE 3 GOALS IN 45 MINUTES SO CAN LIVERPOOL SO SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF.
"oh surely, surely there is no way for liverpool to win this now."
OH SHUT UP YOU GAY FAGGOT. give me the goddamn play- by- play and SHUT IT WITH THE PREDICTIONS YOU BUDDHIST MONK WANNABE.
FUCKING PISS ME OFF. maradona sit beside you big fuck is it?
am still crying but i have faith in liverpool. the only tears i'm spilling at the final whistle is happy tears.
and i so want to kill the commentator you annoying being of piss- lousy sport.
39th minute i slammed my bolster to the floor.
44th minute i cried. and cried. till half- time.
FUCK YOU COMMENTATORS. IF AC MILAN CAN SCORE 3 GOALS IN 45 MINUTES SO CAN LIVERPOOL SO SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF.
"oh surely, surely there is no way for liverpool to win this now."
OH SHUT UP YOU GAY FAGGOT. give me the goddamn play- by- play and SHUT IT WITH THE PREDICTIONS YOU BUDDHIST MONK WANNABE.
FUCKING PISS ME OFF. maradona sit beside you big fuck is it?
am still crying but i have faith in liverpool. the only tears i'm spilling at the final whistle is happy tears.
and i so want to kill the commentator you annoying being of piss- lousy sport.
more wants.
ballet under the stars- july 8th- 17th, 7.30 p.m. yes i am EARLY cuz the last time BUTS was held earlier this year i was left with NO ONE to go with. so yes. this one i WANT to go cuz SDT friends promised its good and it does look it. little mermaid to commemorate hans christian anderson 200th anniversary. cool cool cool.
liverpool to win Champions League Cup- tonight. 2.35 a.m. please please please. if they do i promise i will be a more loyal liverpool fan as i have been accused of being a fairweather fan. well don't point fingers now i don't have CABLE.
sun to shine- this coming saturday. all through the day. cuz i wanna hit the beach at SOME POINT OF TIME thank you. monsoon bonsoon. i wanna play. sun sand sea.
get the internship at that mag- impending. will mail out application soon. pray pray pray.
argh minutes to soccer game. nervousness. o woe is me.
cisse, gerard, baros and hyppia, do your thing. hamman, i heart you many strong- strong. dudek, BLOCK THE SHOTS. no penalty shoot- outs tonight. my weak heart can't take it.
not after the CRAZY malaysian traffic and the kapish movie. please please. 2- 1. ok fine 1- 0. in favour of liverpudlians, of course.
aiya.
JUST WIN THIS MATCH LA.
or face this.
now we don't want that, do we?
ballet under the stars- july 8th- 17th, 7.30 p.m. yes i am EARLY cuz the last time BUTS was held earlier this year i was left with NO ONE to go with. so yes. this one i WANT to go cuz SDT friends promised its good and it does look it. little mermaid to commemorate hans christian anderson 200th anniversary. cool cool cool.
liverpool to win Champions League Cup- tonight. 2.35 a.m. please please please. if they do i promise i will be a more loyal liverpool fan as i have been accused of being a fairweather fan. well don't point fingers now i don't have CABLE.
sun to shine- this coming saturday. all through the day. cuz i wanna hit the beach at SOME POINT OF TIME thank you. monsoon bonsoon. i wanna play. sun sand sea.
get the internship at that mag- impending. will mail out application soon. pray pray pray.
argh minutes to soccer game. nervousness. o woe is me.
cisse, gerard, baros and hyppia, do your thing. hamman, i heart you many strong- strong. dudek, BLOCK THE SHOTS. no penalty shoot- outs tonight. my weak heart can't take it.
not after the CRAZY malaysian traffic and the kapish movie. please please. 2- 1. ok fine 1- 0. in favour of liverpudlians, of course.
aiya.
JUST WIN THIS MATCH LA.
or face this.
now we don't want that, do we?
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
what a girl wants, what a girl needs; she buys
just came back from a GREAT day with dizzie boy. THANK YOU DOLL I HAD A BLAST.
we went jaybee. first up was EXTRA SUPERCENTRE in some terpencil corner (basically, far- off) where he had to pick laundry which, as it turned out, wasn't ready yet. we then went to the SUPERCENTRE itself which is terminally HUGE- ASS and got groceries. cheap cheap buy buy! i almost bought make- up there cuz it was so cheap. but no point. i end up wearing free stuffs anyway. hah.
we then went to CITY SQUARE shopping centre which is having the sale of its lifetime i would think. more on this later.
spent FIVE HOURS there. madness. pure shopping madness.
then we met hana and her mum and 2 aunts at portugese chicken place. they were previously at SMART. don't ask. malaysian and their funky names. first extra, now smart. where were you? oh at extra. you? oh at smart. -_-
after a hearty shopping experience we went back to Fatherland. to watch a movie FOR FREE at northpoint. cuz apparently hafiz's brother's girlfriend's mum got 2 free tickets to ANY MOVIE OF YOUR CHOICE and so we were the lucky birds.
watched AMITYVILLE HORROR which is SO GOOD AND VERY HORRIFIC INDEED. its not too gory, not too mindless. pretty good for an american horror tale. it got me doing my spiderweb fingers on face again which means its good shit la. (a real good freak movie will have me cowering and covering my face but keeping large spaces between fingers for convenient peeping. i never actually close em'. good psychological shield. but i do go on.)
hafiz was freaked too i guess but all he said was oh my god and wah laooo. i however, am more expressive (albeit repressed, i only mutter never exclaim). i am more of the astagfirullahalazim, masya- allah masya- allah ya allah, subhanallah ya allah yarabbi ya nabi ya rasul and the ocassional oh my freaking god. basically i renew and restrength my faith when i watch horror movies. excuse the blasphemous statement. but ya. i told hafiz, ""bet you didn't even know i knew half of those words." him: "haha ya i never heard you mengucap so long and so many times before."
religion was never my strong point. but i try. *wry smile*
soooooooooo. the SHOPPING.
there you go. let me give you an item- price detailed overview.
right at bottom- left was final purchase of the day, upon realizing i want flat sandals for the beach. the pretty turqoise blue sandals with the dainty white and purple straps, my friends, cost me RM16.95. which is about SG$8. *grins*
the huge chiffony green see- through top is absolutely lovely. second purchase. RM59.90, no discount/ sale. new arrival. but hey, that's only SG$30. which ain't too bad for a hot top like that.
the shiny thing caught in the flash in actually a sequinned skinny scarf that i plan to use as many things i.e a belt, a hair tie, a neck- tie. RM29.90 but actually i got cheated cuz a walk later made me realized i could get it for RM25. that's SG$12.50. *beams* practicing my rusty maths here.
right on the right (hoo hoo hoo i'm so funny) is, according to hafiz, a greek goddess-y top. it was RM49.90, but thanks to my wheedling and pointing out a tiny lipstick stain on it, i got it at 25% off. that means RM37. which is SG$18.50. i rock, no?
the orange thing in a packet is a bikini from mango for RM39. SG$20. heh heh heh.
a small bottle of emerald green nail polish sits on the white top. RM4.90. me and hafiz had a blast painting OUR nails in the shop which HE made us enter cuz it was so pink. that's sinma for you. and yes i said OUR nails. haha.
a green hairband sits pretty on the other pair of shoes. RM1.90. sinma rocks la. that is 80 CENTS. haha.
and my FAVOURITE favouritest purchase of the day is the gorgeous black shoes with the green ribbon. first purchase of the day, 10 SECONDS into entering the store, i sighted it and never let it go. it is the cutest shoe ever and ..................................................................................... *drumrolls* guess what?
RM24.90. that's SG$12 for you.
i rock my world rock shopping is my talent city square is shoppers' paradise.
i am a happy bouncing kiddo. and tomorrow?
*beams*
i meet the belo one who returned to Fatherland on monday night. :) he got me a windchime! whee! (he suck at keeping secrets, if you can't tell. all i had to do was ASK.)
lalala. and i got an easy peasy job thanks to karim. er. hana's brother's best friend. yap.
haiya the world is beautiful la.
just came back from a GREAT day with dizzie boy. THANK YOU DOLL I HAD A BLAST.
we went jaybee. first up was EXTRA SUPERCENTRE in some terpencil corner (basically, far- off) where he had to pick laundry which, as it turned out, wasn't ready yet. we then went to the SUPERCENTRE itself which is terminally HUGE- ASS and got groceries. cheap cheap buy buy! i almost bought make- up there cuz it was so cheap. but no point. i end up wearing free stuffs anyway. hah.
we then went to CITY SQUARE shopping centre which is having the sale of its lifetime i would think. more on this later.
spent FIVE HOURS there. madness. pure shopping madness.
then we met hana and her mum and 2 aunts at portugese chicken place. they were previously at SMART. don't ask. malaysian and their funky names. first extra, now smart. where were you? oh at extra. you? oh at smart. -_-
after a hearty shopping experience we went back to Fatherland. to watch a movie FOR FREE at northpoint. cuz apparently hafiz's brother's girlfriend's mum got 2 free tickets to ANY MOVIE OF YOUR CHOICE and so we were the lucky birds.
watched AMITYVILLE HORROR which is SO GOOD AND VERY HORRIFIC INDEED. its not too gory, not too mindless. pretty good for an american horror tale. it got me doing my spiderweb fingers on face again which means its good shit la. (a real good freak movie will have me cowering and covering my face but keeping large spaces between fingers for convenient peeping. i never actually close em'. good psychological shield. but i do go on.)
hafiz was freaked too i guess but all he said was oh my god and wah laooo. i however, am more expressive (albeit repressed, i only mutter never exclaim). i am more of the astagfirullahalazim, masya- allah masya- allah ya allah, subhanallah ya allah yarabbi ya nabi ya rasul and the ocassional oh my freaking god. basically i renew and restrength my faith when i watch horror movies. excuse the blasphemous statement. but ya. i told hafiz, ""bet you didn't even know i knew half of those words." him: "haha ya i never heard you mengucap so long and so many times before."
religion was never my strong point. but i try. *wry smile*
soooooooooo. the SHOPPING.
there you go. let me give you an item- price detailed overview.
right at bottom- left was final purchase of the day, upon realizing i want flat sandals for the beach. the pretty turqoise blue sandals with the dainty white and purple straps, my friends, cost me RM16.95. which is about SG$8. *grins*
the huge chiffony green see- through top is absolutely lovely. second purchase. RM59.90, no discount/ sale. new arrival. but hey, that's only SG$30. which ain't too bad for a hot top like that.
the shiny thing caught in the flash in actually a sequinned skinny scarf that i plan to use as many things i.e a belt, a hair tie, a neck- tie. RM29.90 but actually i got cheated cuz a walk later made me realized i could get it for RM25. that's SG$12.50. *beams* practicing my rusty maths here.
right on the right (hoo hoo hoo i'm so funny) is, according to hafiz, a greek goddess-y top. it was RM49.90, but thanks to my wheedling and pointing out a tiny lipstick stain on it, i got it at 25% off. that means RM37. which is SG$18.50. i rock, no?
the orange thing in a packet is a bikini from mango for RM39. SG$20. heh heh heh.
a small bottle of emerald green nail polish sits on the white top. RM4.90. me and hafiz had a blast painting OUR nails in the shop which HE made us enter cuz it was so pink. that's sinma for you. and yes i said OUR nails. haha.
a green hairband sits pretty on the other pair of shoes. RM1.90. sinma rocks la. that is 80 CENTS. haha.
and my FAVOURITE favouritest purchase of the day is the gorgeous black shoes with the green ribbon. first purchase of the day, 10 SECONDS into entering the store, i sighted it and never let it go. it is the cutest shoe ever and ..................................................................................... *drumrolls* guess what?
RM24.90. that's SG$12 for you.
i rock my world rock shopping is my talent city square is shoppers' paradise.
i am a happy bouncing kiddo. and tomorrow?
*beams*
i meet the belo one who returned to Fatherland on monday night. :) he got me a windchime! whee! (he suck at keeping secrets, if you can't tell. all i had to do was ASK.)
lalala. and i got an easy peasy job thanks to karim. er. hana's brother's best friend. yap.
haiya the world is beautiful la.
tagged.
Here's how it works. Choose five occupations from the list below and fill in the blanks. If I tag you, you're supposed to answer in your own weblog. If you don't want to, let me know so I can tag someone else.
If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an inn-keeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a llama-rider...
If I could be a bonnie pirate...
If I could be an astronaut...
If I could be a world famous blogger...
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world...
If I could be married to any current famous political figure...
cuz i am kind and nice and the saintliest being on the face of earth, i am not tagging anyone. cuz i am sleepy.
if i could be an athlete i would be a long- jumper cuz i was so damn good at it in my track days. hah. then i will defeat marion jones at the olympics. if she ever gets off the drug charges. can i be soccer player instead???
if i could be a musician i would be a ROCK STAR LA DEI! everyone knows i want to be a rockstar. and everyone knows i have an imaginary band called the whoo hoos. yeah we rock good.
if i could be a farmer i would plant apples. orchards and orchards of apples. and cabbages. cuz they look cute in the fields. like a dead buried man with just his head sticking out.
if i could be an inn- keeper i would be exactly like lorelai gilmore on gilmore girls. without the illegitimate child. cuz that is so haram. but ya. i would have a nice cosy inn in the country. with a nice garden nearby and good food. like fondue and bread and butter pudding. and i will name my chef suki. and employ someone like michel. yes i like gilmore girls alot. BITE ME.
if i could be a writer i would be the happiest woman in the world. i have always wanted to be a writer. and i still don't know what i would write cuz i can't do romance novels. or thrillers. i want to write about life. i want to write about everything and anything. i want to create a whole new genre called life. and everyone and anyone can read it and will read it and will love it. if i were a writer, i would live in a new york loft apartment. if i were a writer, my dreams have all come true.
ok done-d. jay to the bee tomorrow with the dizzie boy. not the lizard. :)
g'nites!
Here's how it works. Choose five occupations from the list below and fill in the blanks. If I tag you, you're supposed to answer in your own weblog. If you don't want to, let me know so I can tag someone else.
If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an inn-keeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a llama-rider...
If I could be a bonnie pirate...
If I could be an astronaut...
If I could be a world famous blogger...
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world...
If I could be married to any current famous political figure...
cuz i am kind and nice and the saintliest being on the face of earth, i am not tagging anyone. cuz i am sleepy.
if i could be an athlete i would be a long- jumper cuz i was so damn good at it in my track days. hah. then i will defeat marion jones at the olympics. if she ever gets off the drug charges. can i be soccer player instead???
if i could be a musician i would be a ROCK STAR LA DEI! everyone knows i want to be a rockstar. and everyone knows i have an imaginary band called the whoo hoos. yeah we rock good.
if i could be a farmer i would plant apples. orchards and orchards of apples. and cabbages. cuz they look cute in the fields. like a dead buried man with just his head sticking out.
if i could be an inn- keeper i would be exactly like lorelai gilmore on gilmore girls. without the illegitimate child. cuz that is so haram. but ya. i would have a nice cosy inn in the country. with a nice garden nearby and good food. like fondue and bread and butter pudding. and i will name my chef suki. and employ someone like michel. yes i like gilmore girls alot. BITE ME.
if i could be a writer i would be the happiest woman in the world. i have always wanted to be a writer. and i still don't know what i would write cuz i can't do romance novels. or thrillers. i want to write about life. i want to write about everything and anything. i want to create a whole new genre called life. and everyone and anyone can read it and will read it and will love it. if i were a writer, i would live in a new york loft apartment. if i were a writer, my dreams have all come true.
ok done-d. jay to the bee tomorrow with the dizzie boy. not the lizard. :)
g'nites!
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
last night i pondered on several philosophical questions of life...
like why am i here, and not elsewhere?
why CAN'T pigs fly?
if batista keeps resisting triple h's killer move, the pedigree, by counter- attacking, does it prove that he IS scared of the pedigree/ the truth as triple h says, or is he just good at counter- attacking and strong enough to defend himself from the pedigree?
as you can tell i spent last night watching Backlash, a wrestlemania special. anyway the last question no longer needs answering because...
even though triple h insists that the pedigree is the truth, and that he knows batista fears it, at the end of the day what killed him was the batista bomb which, as it turned out, triple h himself fears and proved to be the end of his long -running hold on the world heavyweight championship belt.
aah.
so ANYWAY prior to settling down and watching wrestling, i was in my old dorm room, clearing out. sob. no more dormitory living for me. i think i had enough. i guess the slammed- finger fiasco really put me off the whole staying- along stint.
prior to that was me and mum wandering around bugis area window- shopping. i STILL want my xcesorrize handbag, x:odus sandals and topshop bikini. tsk tsk tsk. but i digress so.
we encountered this super cosy corner shop along those tangled maze- like streets of the sultan mosque. its cafe al- sheikh and the owner is the uncle of my childhood playmate (OOH PLAYMATE), khalid. when we were both kiddies, our parents had houses at skudai, johor and we would go there during weekends. we were neighbours la, in skudai. so we played soccer together, pluck poisonous fruits together, visited the chinese cemetery together. madness. this was when my ayah was still alive so that would be 10 years ago or so.
so yesterday me and mum encountered this cosy cafe (18 pahang street go go!) and him. he recognized my mum but not me. he said i look different and if i wasn't introduced by my mum he wouldn't have recognized me. hmm. should try and get hold of a pic of myself when i was 10.
food was GREAT. their steak is HUGE and very filling and their BLACK PEPPERCORN sauce is mmmmmmmmmm.
khalid cooked, by the way. heh.
so ya try it. good shit.
then on sunday was me and YEP mates at sofra (level 2, shaw tower, bugis area, NOT TOWN) where food was good too. had sultan kebab. super cheesy, good mashed potato, yummy meat. two thumbs up.
oh and a cute waiter with half his hair covering his face. SO MY TYPE.
but ya. i'm supposed to lay off boys in the F&B industry. but he is so cute can? why am i always checking out waiters? tsk.
according to this quiz, i am inclined to work well with people and enjoy them. i am talented and versatile, very good at presenting ideas. i may have a tendency to get itchy feet at times and need change and travel. i tend to be very progressive, imaginative and adaptable. my mind is quick, clever and analytical. A restlessness in my nature may make me a bit impatient and easily bored with routine. i may have a tendency to shirk responsibility.
hoo hoo hoo hee hee hee ha ha ha.
PICTURES!
sultan's kebab @ sofra where cute waiterboy is. he looks young though. BLEEP.
tenghui couldn't wait for a fork and decided to DEVOUR his cake. (same boy who spouted maths formulae when he got drunk in the village.)
good kismet. us three plus sha (who didn't come, boo!) kept encountering good foodie places in chiang mai and bangkok. the planets and universe were in our favour. ;)
cafe el- sheikh, 18 pahang street. 11 am- 11 pm. closed on sundays. check out the cool decor would you?
waiting for food. sofa seats and cushions rock.
the very cool picture spanning the breadth of the cosy area. see if you can guess what picture it is.
hah there. the hugest chunk of meat. and super hot and super black black peppercorn sauce. there's actually crunchy bits of pepper in it. good lord.
me and the mum.
i bid thee, farewell.
like why am i here, and not elsewhere?
why CAN'T pigs fly?
if batista keeps resisting triple h's killer move, the pedigree, by counter- attacking, does it prove that he IS scared of the pedigree/ the truth as triple h says, or is he just good at counter- attacking and strong enough to defend himself from the pedigree?
as you can tell i spent last night watching Backlash, a wrestlemania special. anyway the last question no longer needs answering because...
even though triple h insists that the pedigree is the truth, and that he knows batista fears it, at the end of the day what killed him was the batista bomb which, as it turned out, triple h himself fears and proved to be the end of his long -running hold on the world heavyweight championship belt.
aah.
so ANYWAY prior to settling down and watching wrestling, i was in my old dorm room, clearing out. sob. no more dormitory living for me. i think i had enough. i guess the slammed- finger fiasco really put me off the whole staying- along stint.
prior to that was me and mum wandering around bugis area window- shopping. i STILL want my xcesorrize handbag, x:odus sandals and topshop bikini. tsk tsk tsk. but i digress so.
we encountered this super cosy corner shop along those tangled maze- like streets of the sultan mosque. its cafe al- sheikh and the owner is the uncle of my childhood playmate (OOH PLAYMATE), khalid. when we were both kiddies, our parents had houses at skudai, johor and we would go there during weekends. we were neighbours la, in skudai. so we played soccer together, pluck poisonous fruits together, visited the chinese cemetery together. madness. this was when my ayah was still alive so that would be 10 years ago or so.
so yesterday me and mum encountered this cosy cafe (18 pahang street go go!) and him. he recognized my mum but not me. he said i look different and if i wasn't introduced by my mum he wouldn't have recognized me. hmm. should try and get hold of a pic of myself when i was 10.
food was GREAT. their steak is HUGE and very filling and their BLACK PEPPERCORN sauce is mmmmmmmmmm.
khalid cooked, by the way. heh.
so ya try it. good shit.
then on sunday was me and YEP mates at sofra (level 2, shaw tower, bugis area, NOT TOWN) where food was good too. had sultan kebab. super cheesy, good mashed potato, yummy meat. two thumbs up.
oh and a cute waiter with half his hair covering his face. SO MY TYPE.
but ya. i'm supposed to lay off boys in the F&B industry. but he is so cute can? why am i always checking out waiters? tsk.
according to this quiz, i am inclined to work well with people and enjoy them. i am talented and versatile, very good at presenting ideas. i may have a tendency to get itchy feet at times and need change and travel. i tend to be very progressive, imaginative and adaptable. my mind is quick, clever and analytical. A restlessness in my nature may make me a bit impatient and easily bored with routine. i may have a tendency to shirk responsibility.
hoo hoo hoo hee hee hee ha ha ha.
PICTURES!
sultan's kebab @ sofra where cute waiterboy is. he looks young though. BLEEP.
tenghui couldn't wait for a fork and decided to DEVOUR his cake. (same boy who spouted maths formulae when he got drunk in the village.)
good kismet. us three plus sha (who didn't come, boo!) kept encountering good foodie places in chiang mai and bangkok. the planets and universe were in our favour. ;)
cafe el- sheikh, 18 pahang street. 11 am- 11 pm. closed on sundays. check out the cool decor would you?
waiting for food. sofa seats and cushions rock.
the very cool picture spanning the breadth of the cosy area. see if you can guess what picture it is.
hah there. the hugest chunk of meat. and super hot and super black black peppercorn sauce. there's actually crunchy bits of pepper in it. good lord.
me and the mum.
i bid thee, farewell.
Monday, May 23, 2005
Two drifters, off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see
We're after the same rainbow's end, waitin' 'round the bend
My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me
Andy Williams; Moon River
tears welled up...
then spilled.
got back photo dvd from thai trip. pictures. thousands of them. even songs that we sang to retain our sanity in the midst of thai techno. they burned those too. and they even downloaded the deafening thai techno songs.
pictures to makes you laugh. videos to capture the sights and sound of ban tham. pictures to make you cry. pictures to evoke memories and tears. pictures to immortalise a moment long- gone.
priceless.
then spilled.
got back photo dvd from thai trip. pictures. thousands of them. even songs that we sang to retain our sanity in the midst of thai techno. they burned those too. and they even downloaded the deafening thai techno songs.
pictures to makes you laugh. videos to capture the sights and sound of ban tham. pictures to make you cry. pictures to evoke memories and tears. pictures to immortalise a moment long- gone.
priceless.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
sneak preview
najib (reknowned purple boy) looks something like this. haha. well not EXACTLY. but yea. long- ish hair, not sure bout' the stubble and the shades are my personal addition cuz my dream boy must rock can. and yea, najib seems to wear jackets alot. i think. (clearly i don't know him that well.)
another dreamboat. floppy hair, wire- rimmed tiny specs, dressed like seth cohen- all shirts and layered, with well- cut pants. aah bliss.
GO GET ONE! (boys, there's a girl dollie too. have fun.)
dinner at sofra. turkish, i heard. with YEP mates. whoopie doo.
najib (reknowned purple boy) looks something like this. haha. well not EXACTLY. but yea. long- ish hair, not sure bout' the stubble and the shades are my personal addition cuz my dream boy must rock can. and yea, najib seems to wear jackets alot. i think. (clearly i don't know him that well.)
another dreamboat. floppy hair, wire- rimmed tiny specs, dressed like seth cohen- all shirts and layered, with well- cut pants. aah bliss.
GO GET ONE! (boys, there's a girl dollie too. have fun.)
dinner at sofra. turkish, i heard. with YEP mates. whoopie doo.
hear ye, hear ye!
arsenal beat man u 5- 4 on penalties. HOO WHEE.
though i am saddened that i missed watching it live, but that is GOOD SHIT man! and damn it was PENALTIES. i LOVE high- tension games with high- strung fans on an all- important cup final that ends in total draws even after extra time and it leads to penalties and its all in the hands of one striker and one goalie. penalties, in my humble opinion, captures the very essence of good football; intense and momentous. aah. will definitely try to catch the repeat.
now where ARE my soccer boots again? every soccer season i get tempted to join a league for real but me being me i lose interest in it faster than i leave my men. har har.
celebrate good times, come on!
ate chips with salsa and had a kit kat chunky. fondue tomorrow for SURE or i'll just keel over and die.
bright note! tomorrow is YEP dinner. with all my mates who went to thailand with me. aah. i miss them. and we'll be getting our photo dvds so you know what THAT means for you...
chatted with imran on the phone. good times, we had. i miss the belo one. he's off at langkawi. hope he is having fun.
i talked to mum about him... about how he is slowly becoming the him i fell for. the him i crushed on. and although it seems so tiresome to fight for it now, if i fall for him all over again the fight might just be worth it.
it seems selfish that he has to make all the effort to make me fall for him again but i am making effort too. i am holding back and i haven't dated any guy since i realize i might wanna give it another shot with the belo one.
i found something.
me and the belo one shared a locker in our junior college days (of course) and one day he opened the locker to find this handmade (hence ferocious- looking) photo frame on the inside of the locker door. made with much love and spontaneous thought. involved cardboard, penknives, sticker tags, markers and a scholarship magazine. :D
i am almost afraid to say this but i realize i never stopped loving him. i just didn't love him the way he love me. and i thought that meant i wasn't in that kinda love with him. but now i'm slowly realizing that maybe it just means we're 2 different people with different styles of loving.
what matters now is we both understand the powers that be and have undauntedly resigned ourselves to fate. and one day if its meant to be it will all come around. for now i am just glad for his companion and him for mine.
and i couldn't ask for more
side note: my stepdad is the ocassional joker and tonight was a fine example. mum and me were settling ourselves into our weekend ritual of junk food when we saw a (common house) lizard (i had to look up cicak cuz lizard sounds big but ya cicak is lizard. house lizard i guess. SIDE NOTE: there is a website called cicak lombok- loosely translated into lizard swamp. EW.) on the coffee table, hidden near the papers and keeping very still, sensing that it had been noticed. i took ALL the food on the table and transfer it to the sofa and covered my glass of coke in case the lizard decided to do something drastic and drown to its death in my icy coke. then, my mum called for my stepdad.
he was asleep and she insisted he come down. so he did, all groggy- eyed. poor man, he was sleeping off his medication. kinda got a bad tummy. anyway he asked what's going on and she told him about the lizard near the papers. his eyes were half- shut as he went nearer to the table. when he saw it, he used on of the papers to cover it and started BANGING away. i'm serious. like BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! and then he jumped back a little and he lifted the paper and GASP! NO FLATTENED LIZARD! WHERE DID IT GO? he said it ran behind the sofa so he pulled the sofa away and in doing so had to push the side table away and hence pushing 2 chairs sideways too. the darn lizard was on the wall, all spidermanesque. stepdad rolled up the aforementioned paper and started BANGING away on the wall. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! (hahaha this is sounding like 3 little pigs) he goes and poof! NO DEAD LIZARD TO BE FOUND!
mum asked where it went. and here's the classic.
mum: where is it? (all shrieky and panicked)
dad: i dunno la, i think it became a ninja.
me and mum: HUH?!?!
dad: ya really. i saw a puff of smoke and it was gone. ni lizard ninja la. (this is a ninja lizard.)
HAHAHA. damn lame la. but anyway me and mum sat on the sofa after that and cross- legged too. no ninja lizard ain't crawlin' up my twinkie toes, oh no no no NO way.
i shall christen that lizard dizzie miss lizzie cuz that is what it must have been having gone through such trauma. and plus, in this household and surrounded with this brand of humour?
hard to stay sane. or undizzy.
i have a pet lizard.
arsenal beat man u 5- 4 on penalties. HOO WHEE.
though i am saddened that i missed watching it live, but that is GOOD SHIT man! and damn it was PENALTIES. i LOVE high- tension games with high- strung fans on an all- important cup final that ends in total draws even after extra time and it leads to penalties and its all in the hands of one striker and one goalie. penalties, in my humble opinion, captures the very essence of good football; intense and momentous. aah. will definitely try to catch the repeat.
now where ARE my soccer boots again? every soccer season i get tempted to join a league for real but me being me i lose interest in it faster than i leave my men. har har.
celebrate good times, come on!
ate chips with salsa and had a kit kat chunky. fondue tomorrow for SURE or i'll just keel over and die.
bright note! tomorrow is YEP dinner. with all my mates who went to thailand with me. aah. i miss them. and we'll be getting our photo dvds so you know what THAT means for you...
chatted with imran on the phone. good times, we had. i miss the belo one. he's off at langkawi. hope he is having fun.
i talked to mum about him... about how he is slowly becoming the him i fell for. the him i crushed on. and although it seems so tiresome to fight for it now, if i fall for him all over again the fight might just be worth it.
it seems selfish that he has to make all the effort to make me fall for him again but i am making effort too. i am holding back and i haven't dated any guy since i realize i might wanna give it another shot with the belo one.
i found something.
me and the belo one shared a locker in our junior college days (of course) and one day he opened the locker to find this handmade (hence ferocious- looking) photo frame on the inside of the locker door. made with much love and spontaneous thought. involved cardboard, penknives, sticker tags, markers and a scholarship magazine. :D
i am almost afraid to say this but i realize i never stopped loving him. i just didn't love him the way he love me. and i thought that meant i wasn't in that kinda love with him. but now i'm slowly realizing that maybe it just means we're 2 different people with different styles of loving.
what matters now is we both understand the powers that be and have undauntedly resigned ourselves to fate. and one day if its meant to be it will all come around. for now i am just glad for his companion and him for mine.
and i couldn't ask for more
side note: my stepdad is the ocassional joker and tonight was a fine example. mum and me were settling ourselves into our weekend ritual of junk food when we saw a (common house) lizard (i had to look up cicak cuz lizard sounds big but ya cicak is lizard. house lizard i guess. SIDE NOTE: there is a website called cicak lombok- loosely translated into lizard swamp. EW.) on the coffee table, hidden near the papers and keeping very still, sensing that it had been noticed. i took ALL the food on the table and transfer it to the sofa and covered my glass of coke in case the lizard decided to do something drastic and drown to its death in my icy coke. then, my mum called for my stepdad.
he was asleep and she insisted he come down. so he did, all groggy- eyed. poor man, he was sleeping off his medication. kinda got a bad tummy. anyway he asked what's going on and she told him about the lizard near the papers. his eyes were half- shut as he went nearer to the table. when he saw it, he used on of the papers to cover it and started BANGING away. i'm serious. like BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! and then he jumped back a little and he lifted the paper and GASP! NO FLATTENED LIZARD! WHERE DID IT GO? he said it ran behind the sofa so he pulled the sofa away and in doing so had to push the side table away and hence pushing 2 chairs sideways too. the darn lizard was on the wall, all spidermanesque. stepdad rolled up the aforementioned paper and started BANGING away on the wall. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! (hahaha this is sounding like 3 little pigs) he goes and poof! NO DEAD LIZARD TO BE FOUND!
mum asked where it went. and here's the classic.
mum: where is it? (all shrieky and panicked)
dad: i dunno la, i think it became a ninja.
me and mum: HUH?!?!
dad: ya really. i saw a puff of smoke and it was gone. ni lizard ninja la. (this is a ninja lizard.)
HAHAHA. damn lame la. but anyway me and mum sat on the sofa after that and cross- legged too. no ninja lizard ain't crawlin' up my twinkie toes, oh no no no NO way.
i shall christen that lizard dizzie miss lizzie cuz that is what it must have been having gone through such trauma. and plus, in this household and surrounded with this brand of humour?
hard to stay sane. or undizzy.
i have a pet lizard.
Saturday, May 21, 2005
binge blogging. hoo whee!
i wants.
memoir of a madman- gustave flaubert. maneater- gigi levangie grazer. be honest; you're not that into him either- ian kerner. green iPod mini. knee- length peasant skirts. smocked top from esprit. sunny beach. green bikini from topshop. pink starburst shoes from x:odus. chocolate fondue within walking distance. deserts from marche. trip to chiang mai. YEP to Ban Tham, Phayao all over again. sunny side- up in Tioman. thumbdrive. new diary. notebooks. bags. heels. white shirts. green tops. red and beige vespa. black beetle vw. blue mini cooper s cabrio. a walk- up apartment in new york. a loft. paint. easel. wood and metal railway track and engine, hung around the ceiling of my room so that it chugs away all night all day. a wedding at fort canning park. thomas kemper root beer. mud pie. a personal chef. more walls to hang pictures. extended singlehood. higher discipline. better time management. higher caffeine tolerance. more midnight movies. complete beatles albums. beatles figurine. more toy cars.
i wants.
memoir of a madman- gustave flaubert. maneater- gigi levangie grazer. be honest; you're not that into him either- ian kerner. green iPod mini. knee- length peasant skirts. smocked top from esprit. sunny beach. green bikini from topshop. pink starburst shoes from x:odus. chocolate fondue within walking distance. deserts from marche. trip to chiang mai. YEP to Ban Tham, Phayao all over again. sunny side- up in Tioman. thumbdrive. new diary. notebooks. bags. heels. white shirts. green tops. red and beige vespa. black beetle vw. blue mini cooper s cabrio. a walk- up apartment in new york. a loft. paint. easel. wood and metal railway track and engine, hung around the ceiling of my room so that it chugs away all night all day. a wedding at fort canning park. thomas kemper root beer. mud pie. a personal chef. more walls to hang pictures. extended singlehood. higher discipline. better time management. higher caffeine tolerance. more midnight movies. complete beatles albums. beatles figurine. more toy cars.
CULL IT!
ok enough of this mellow sadness. i think the wet weather is getting to me.
spent my friday at hana's, where we watched (pirated) dvds and played some minimal taiti. how is it spelled anyway?
but that's besides the point cuz I FINALLY WON TAITI! WUAHAHAHA.
i suck at this card game so celebrate with me, please. i think on that note itself i shall drag mum to town tonight for some fondue i'm craaaaaaving.
was gonnae watch soccer @ chijmes with some boys tonight but by the looks of it, we'll prolly be soaked through and through. but its been a while since i watched a match with a crowd. a different feel to it. watching at home is fun too, cuz i eat all sorts of junk while i'm at it and i can scream and jump around while attracting minimal attention. :D
i feel like a soggy bag of catfood. a lump on the floor, wet, heavy...
bah. enough enough.
erm... i feel obliged to type happy thoughts here but for now i have no more.
but hey. i won taiti. ;)
ok enough of this mellow sadness. i think the wet weather is getting to me.
spent my friday at hana's, where we watched (pirated) dvds and played some minimal taiti. how is it spelled anyway?
but that's besides the point cuz I FINALLY WON TAITI! WUAHAHAHA.
i suck at this card game so celebrate with me, please. i think on that note itself i shall drag mum to town tonight for some fondue i'm craaaaaaving.
was gonnae watch soccer @ chijmes with some boys tonight but by the looks of it, we'll prolly be soaked through and through. but its been a while since i watched a match with a crowd. a different feel to it. watching at home is fun too, cuz i eat all sorts of junk while i'm at it and i can scream and jump around while attracting minimal attention. :D
i feel like a soggy bag of catfood. a lump on the floor, wet, heavy...
bah. enough enough.
erm... i feel obliged to type happy thoughts here but for now i have no more.
but hey. i won taiti. ;)
i miss the belo one.
then i went through our box. the cards the notes the letters the gifts.
then i saw the picture of him and his family when he was 5 or so.
and i recall how his mum wasn't happy about him being in a relationship.
the things his mum said.
the things she did.
and i don't think i am ready to just jump back into it all.
what right do i have anyway.
then i went through our box. the cards the notes the letters the gifts.
then i saw the picture of him and his family when he was 5 or so.
and i recall how his mum wasn't happy about him being in a relationship.
the things his mum said.
the things she did.
and i don't think i am ready to just jump back into it all.
what right do i have anyway.
Friday, May 20, 2005
androgynous
every few years (decade, actually), the radios will hit us with a song that is precisely sexually- confused. subtle promotion of homosexuality?
in the 90s, we had...
Girls who are boys
Who like boys to be girls
Who do boys like they're girls
Who do girls like they're boys
Always should be someone you really love
- Blur; Girls and Boys
and now we have...
Well somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looks like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential
- The Killers; Somebody Told Me
see?
girls are boys are girls are boys who likes girls but they're girls but they're boys. or your boyfriend looks like my girlfriend who has a girlfriend who looks like your boyfriend who looks like you.
i mean, SERIOUSLY. make up your MIND.
fucking messed- up, these songwriters.
as of 12 midnight imran came back. he texted me... a "hey hi how are ya," an explanation of sorts about how he got my new number, a needless amount of small talk, and finally a suggestion, to be friends again.
he said something about passing by my old place and remembering. and then he asked if my room was still as messy. an attempt at shotgun reminiscing but i told him, i moved.
after years of wondering how and where he is, years of wondering if we'll ever be friends again, ever meet or talk again, he is just back. just like that.
for a long time my replies to him were curt and cold and i was being really mean. i wasn't bitter but i just didn't want him to think it was that easy to just pop in and out of lives.
all's well ends well. he said, "remember jc days? such drama..."
"how can i forget? that was when we stopped talking."
"are you angry that i am messaging you?"
"no 'course not. am just a little surprised. you were gone for yonks and we didn't exactly end on a good note."
"yea... so now we start on a good note yeah."
earlier, he said, "i wanna go back to the old times..."
here i wish i had sadly pointed out you can never have something of the past cuz the time between past and now is not a vacuum, things happen and people change. but was still feeling catty and replied, "old times? we had many phases of old times, which one are you talking about? secondary school, pre- jc, post- breakup, post- jc? take your pick."
"when we were talking like good ol friends."
that both melted me and made me snort. cuz somehow i think that is beyond possible.
but then again i used to think imran's return was beyond impossible. so we shall see.
i don't really know what to make of this comeback. i treasure what we shared, the friendship that blossomed and died. and to have another go at it knowing how badly things ended,
i'm not really sure i want to.
but for sure, i'm not one to turn down friendship when it's offered to me so yea. and maybe now things are different, where he's working and i'm schooling and we no longer revolve in the same circle...
maybe, just maybe. this time the friendship could work. again.
its unbelievable. after years of reminiscing and letting go and wishing him all the best through whispers in the wind, he is back. just like that.
if ever you needed to believe in miracles, here's one.
every few years (decade, actually), the radios will hit us with a song that is precisely sexually- confused. subtle promotion of homosexuality?
in the 90s, we had...
Girls who are boys
Who like boys to be girls
Who do boys like they're girls
Who do girls like they're boys
Always should be someone you really love
- Blur; Girls and Boys
and now we have...
Well somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looks like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential
- The Killers; Somebody Told Me
see?
girls are boys are girls are boys who likes girls but they're girls but they're boys. or your boyfriend looks like my girlfriend who has a girlfriend who looks like your boyfriend who looks like you.
i mean, SERIOUSLY. make up your MIND.
fucking messed- up, these songwriters.
as of 12 midnight imran came back. he texted me... a "hey hi how are ya," an explanation of sorts about how he got my new number, a needless amount of small talk, and finally a suggestion, to be friends again.
he said something about passing by my old place and remembering. and then he asked if my room was still as messy. an attempt at shotgun reminiscing but i told him, i moved.
after years of wondering how and where he is, years of wondering if we'll ever be friends again, ever meet or talk again, he is just back. just like that.
for a long time my replies to him were curt and cold and i was being really mean. i wasn't bitter but i just didn't want him to think it was that easy to just pop in and out of lives.
all's well ends well. he said, "remember jc days? such drama..."
"how can i forget? that was when we stopped talking."
"are you angry that i am messaging you?"
"no 'course not. am just a little surprised. you were gone for yonks and we didn't exactly end on a good note."
"yea... so now we start on a good note yeah."
earlier, he said, "i wanna go back to the old times..."
here i wish i had sadly pointed out you can never have something of the past cuz the time between past and now is not a vacuum, things happen and people change. but was still feeling catty and replied, "old times? we had many phases of old times, which one are you talking about? secondary school, pre- jc, post- breakup, post- jc? take your pick."
"when we were talking like good ol friends."
that both melted me and made me snort. cuz somehow i think that is beyond possible.
but then again i used to think imran's return was beyond impossible. so we shall see.
i don't really know what to make of this comeback. i treasure what we shared, the friendship that blossomed and died. and to have another go at it knowing how badly things ended,
i'm not really sure i want to.
but for sure, i'm not one to turn down friendship when it's offered to me so yea. and maybe now things are different, where he's working and i'm schooling and we no longer revolve in the same circle...
maybe, just maybe. this time the friendship could work. again.
its unbelievable. after years of reminiscing and letting go and wishing him all the best through whispers in the wind, he is back. just like that.
if ever you needed to believe in miracles, here's one.
life, is REALLY like a jamban
the shit just doesn't stop does it? hah. (for the clueless, jamban is toilet bowl in malay and i believe that life is like a toilet bowl cuz 1- shit happens and 2- it all depends on who/ what is sitting on it.)
guess whoooooooo is back. yeah. guess. make a WILD WILD guess. i'm having dibs that you will NEVER get this one.
keep trying. while you're at it let me just say that i am beyond stunned (and according to hana, beyond help too) and really just nodding and tight- smiling it all away.
he joked about treating me to dinner and about having a loved one.
oh he is special. trust me, HE IS.
he disappeared for like, say, years?
clues are a- pouring. and if you know my fantastic jamban life well enough, you would guess it by now.
not hakim.
not ikhwan.
not izal mexes- though he is back. surprisingly.
not faizal- he came back earlier. har har.
so many CLUES already!
yeah you guessed it didn't you?
the ex. is back.
mr. imran himself.
props to the jamban for a well- timed and wonderful surprise.
the shit just doesn't stop does it? hah. (for the clueless, jamban is toilet bowl in malay and i believe that life is like a toilet bowl cuz 1- shit happens and 2- it all depends on who/ what is sitting on it.)
guess whoooooooo is back. yeah. guess. make a WILD WILD guess. i'm having dibs that you will NEVER get this one.
keep trying. while you're at it let me just say that i am beyond stunned (and according to hana, beyond help too) and really just nodding and tight- smiling it all away.
he joked about treating me to dinner and about having a loved one.
oh he is special. trust me, HE IS.
he disappeared for like, say, years?
clues are a- pouring. and if you know my fantastic jamban life well enough, you would guess it by now.
not hakim.
not ikhwan.
not izal mexes- though he is back. surprisingly.
not faizal- he came back earlier. har har.
so many CLUES already!
yeah you guessed it didn't you?
the ex. is back.
mr. imran himself.
props to the jamban for a well- timed and wonderful surprise.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
i'm so afraid to love you, i'm more afraid to lose
vonzell is out. so now bo bice definitely have to win. as it is i'm tempted to call this whole idol phenomena a racist appeasement.
AI 1- kelly clark and justin something- something.
AI 2- rubben and clay.
AI 3- fantasia and diana.
AI 4- bo and carrie.
i see a pattern but i won't verbalise it as yet cuz it's very generalised. but... ho humm.
it's hard to trust contests where the judging and results is withheld. lack of transparency = lack of trust, no?
yesterday got back at 2.30 a.m. after a night of phuture with nydia. i lost my knees yet again. this time was pure, hardcore dancing cuz phuture somehow decided to play a solid variation of pure hip- hop and RnB. just the thing to dance to.
before that was dinner with mum then a short tete- a -tete with the belo one. :)
me: *stretches lips with fingers, sticks tongue out and crosses her eyes*
hafiz: what the heck. i don't feel like i'm sitting with an NUS girl.
me: *incredulous* WHY?!
hafiz: cuz...
me: what?
hafiz: well i expect something more intelletual la.
me: *snort* if you're coming to NUS in hope of meeting intellectual girls you'll be disappointed.
me: *makes another face then throw a light punch at his thigh*
hafiz: sigh. i feel old.
me: why? *grins*
hafiz: cuz you're behaving like a kid.
me: ya la. you keep complaining that you're boring and old.
hafiz: that's why. i am.
me: hmm. you are a boring and old man. go and die.
hafiz: *widens eyes* HOI!
me: i want to be a police officer when i graduate.
hafiz: *deadpans* haiz ok la good for you.
me: eh why? cannot meh? ok what! then i can catch people.
hafiz: your ambitions keeps changing la. (didn't point this out then but i realize, so do my men! haha!)
me: oh oh do you think i should join FHM? and be like, the next bikini babe or heartland babe or whatever?
hafiz: what for? up to you la...
me: ok what!
hafiz: ya then what if guys wank over your picture? ah, do you want that?
me: aiya i wouldn't know what.
hafiz: ya but surely there will be right.
me: do you wank over FHM?!?
hafiz: NO.
me: but you read it!
hafiz: yes i did. once. in PUBLIC. do you want me to wank in public?
me: how i know...
hafiz: if i merely just take off my pants i'll be charged and jailed. do you know that?
me: yes...
hafiz: so?
me: aiya. you never know la. men are weird. they wank everywhere.
while waiting for the bus i was slip- sliding against him and somehow we ended up with his arms around me.
him: i miss being close to you.
me: why? cuz you long time never get close to people right? get close to hidayat (his best friend) la.
him: *takes arm away* haiya you're hopeless la.
me: whaaaat.
him: people want to talk seriously with you you like that. (what is like 'that' ah?)
me: aiya but you rarely talk serious what.
him: exactly so when i do can you at least re... re... re... reciprocate. RECIPROCATE.
me: ok la ok la. rewind.
him: no rewind. only fast forward.
me: ok. fast forward.
him: *puts his arm around me*
haha. ok. so. umm. ya.
we are not back together la. we both knew it was probably a one- off thing. like i said, if it was meant to be...
but ya. the moment was tender and meaningful. after he left i found myself humming...
in the arms... of... an angel... faraway... from here...
vonzell is out. so now bo bice definitely have to win. as it is i'm tempted to call this whole idol phenomena a racist appeasement.
AI 1- kelly clark and justin something- something.
AI 2- rubben and clay.
AI 3- fantasia and diana.
AI 4- bo and carrie.
i see a pattern but i won't verbalise it as yet cuz it's very generalised. but... ho humm.
it's hard to trust contests where the judging and results is withheld. lack of transparency = lack of trust, no?
yesterday got back at 2.30 a.m. after a night of phuture with nydia. i lost my knees yet again. this time was pure, hardcore dancing cuz phuture somehow decided to play a solid variation of pure hip- hop and RnB. just the thing to dance to.
before that was dinner with mum then a short tete- a -tete with the belo one. :)
me: *stretches lips with fingers, sticks tongue out and crosses her eyes*
hafiz: what the heck. i don't feel like i'm sitting with an NUS girl.
me: *incredulous* WHY?!
hafiz: cuz...
me: what?
hafiz: well i expect something more intelletual la.
me: *snort* if you're coming to NUS in hope of meeting intellectual girls you'll be disappointed.
me: *makes another face then throw a light punch at his thigh*
hafiz: sigh. i feel old.
me: why? *grins*
hafiz: cuz you're behaving like a kid.
me: ya la. you keep complaining that you're boring and old.
hafiz: that's why. i am.
me: hmm. you are a boring and old man. go and die.
hafiz: *widens eyes* HOI!
me: i want to be a police officer when i graduate.
hafiz: *deadpans* haiz ok la good for you.
me: eh why? cannot meh? ok what! then i can catch people.
hafiz: your ambitions keeps changing la. (didn't point this out then but i realize, so do my men! haha!)
me: oh oh do you think i should join FHM? and be like, the next bikini babe or heartland babe or whatever?
hafiz: what for? up to you la...
me: ok what!
hafiz: ya then what if guys wank over your picture? ah, do you want that?
me: aiya i wouldn't know what.
hafiz: ya but surely there will be right.
me: do you wank over FHM?!?
hafiz: NO.
me: but you read it!
hafiz: yes i did. once. in PUBLIC. do you want me to wank in public?
me: how i know...
hafiz: if i merely just take off my pants i'll be charged and jailed. do you know that?
me: yes...
hafiz: so?
me: aiya. you never know la. men are weird. they wank everywhere.
while waiting for the bus i was slip- sliding against him and somehow we ended up with his arms around me.
him: i miss being close to you.
me: why? cuz you long time never get close to people right? get close to hidayat (his best friend) la.
him: *takes arm away* haiya you're hopeless la.
me: whaaaat.
him: people want to talk seriously with you you like that. (what is like 'that' ah?)
me: aiya but you rarely talk serious what.
him: exactly so when i do can you at least re... re... re... reciprocate. RECIPROCATE.
me: ok la ok la. rewind.
him: no rewind. only fast forward.
me: ok. fast forward.
him: *puts his arm around me*
haha. ok. so. umm. ya.
we are not back together la. we both knew it was probably a one- off thing. like i said, if it was meant to be...
but ya. the moment was tender and meaningful. after he left i found myself humming...
in the arms... of... an angel... faraway... from here...
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
some rockerfella skankin' will do us good
just watched american idol and hoo whee BO BICE rocks!
aah. finally a rocker in our midst. previously idols were always soul, pop or country.
GO BO BICE! he gave me goosebumps when he did his acapella thang. that man got soul. \m/ wa caya sama lu.
i like vonzell cuz i always like these big- voiced black soulful women. she sang chain of fools which always do me in. like fantasia last year.
but damnnnnnnn BO! you rock! he did rolling stone's can't get no satisfaction... damn he rocked the stage today.
going out with the belo one later, maybe. *claps excitedly* haha. then it'll be town with nydia and sara. i will make sure i get my fondue tonight.
fondue looks like fondle and both are such sexy sexual things. melted chocolate... aaah.
i am fond of fondue and fondling.
HEYYYYYYYYYY! it works! haha. new pick- up line anyone?
i miss the rehearsals already. altogether now, la la la la la la la la la la la... 1, 1 2 1, 1 2 3 2 1, 1 2 3 4 3 2 1... *sees anton dancing around*
heh heh heh. shall go jb soon. i got lotsa RM and i can't wait to SHOP and GORGE myself there. i want KENNY ROGERS!
the only guy lurking in the background now is mr. ideal. mr. everything- i- want. mr. fits- me- and- me- only. once he comes and goes we'll know for sure it's you. but if he comes and stays guess it was all not meant to be. but if he comes and goes and you leave before that, i will understand.
men are like t- shirts. you try on as many as you want and there's so many different types. then you find one, that is very comfortable, warm and you wear it all the time for the longest time... it gets old and a little worn out but it remains comfy and you get used to it.
but then you know that there is that one shirt that will fit you to a T. that will look exactly like what you wanted. and it fits only YOU. like it was custom- made just for you. and you two just fit. and then you will be happy cuz you know the shirt can't go on anyone else.
but the comfy shirt is one- size- fits- all. it can make everyone and anyone happy. your perfect fit can make only you happy.
which one do you choose?
the catch is, the worn out, comfy tee can change too, and become that perfect fit. be redesigned. but for that to happen, you have to take it out and let it go for quite some time. have it reshaped.
and you never know, the same t- shirt can become the best t- shirt. or else then maybe your right t- shirt just haven't come along yet.
ahhh me and my wonderful theories.
just watched american idol and hoo whee BO BICE rocks!
aah. finally a rocker in our midst. previously idols were always soul, pop or country.
GO BO BICE! he gave me goosebumps when he did his acapella thang. that man got soul. \m/ wa caya sama lu.
i like vonzell cuz i always like these big- voiced black soulful women. she sang chain of fools which always do me in. like fantasia last year.
but damnnnnnnn BO! you rock! he did rolling stone's can't get no satisfaction... damn he rocked the stage today.
going out with the belo one later, maybe. *claps excitedly* haha. then it'll be town with nydia and sara. i will make sure i get my fondue tonight.
fondue looks like fondle and both are such sexy sexual things. melted chocolate... aaah.
i am fond of fondue and fondling.
HEYYYYYYYYYY! it works! haha. new pick- up line anyone?
i miss the rehearsals already. altogether now, la la la la la la la la la la la... 1, 1 2 1, 1 2 3 2 1, 1 2 3 4 3 2 1... *sees anton dancing around*
heh heh heh. shall go jb soon. i got lotsa RM and i can't wait to SHOP and GORGE myself there. i want KENNY ROGERS!
the only guy lurking in the background now is mr. ideal. mr. everything- i- want. mr. fits- me- and- me- only. once he comes and goes we'll know for sure it's you. but if he comes and stays guess it was all not meant to be. but if he comes and goes and you leave before that, i will understand.
men are like t- shirts. you try on as many as you want and there's so many different types. then you find one, that is very comfortable, warm and you wear it all the time for the longest time... it gets old and a little worn out but it remains comfy and you get used to it.
but then you know that there is that one shirt that will fit you to a T. that will look exactly like what you wanted. and it fits only YOU. like it was custom- made just for you. and you two just fit. and then you will be happy cuz you know the shirt can't go on anyone else.
but the comfy shirt is one- size- fits- all. it can make everyone and anyone happy. your perfect fit can make only you happy.
which one do you choose?
the catch is, the worn out, comfy tee can change too, and become that perfect fit. be redesigned. but for that to happen, you have to take it out and let it go for quite some time. have it reshaped.
and you never know, the same t- shirt can become the best t- shirt. or else then maybe your right t- shirt just haven't come along yet.
ahhh me and my wonderful theories.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
cos' andy you're a star
good song by the killers. go get it boys.
spent the entire day lazing at home. oh the bliss. made some hot lipton tea and had it with good ol' ritz crackers. with cold breeze from the light rain. watching cartoons. now this is a holiday.
i have not heard from the belo one at all today. guess that is a good thing. we are very confused people and people as confused as us should stay away from each other.
sigh.
i want books, that top from topshop, the handbag from topshop, the flats from topshop, espadrilles from VS, a trip to tioman, a shopping trip to KL and a nice, fun vacation in chiang mai.
money, money, money, mooooooney
i miss phayao. i miss the village. the market. i miss seeing green grilled frogs being sold for breakfast. i miss seeing dogs in silly tees to keep them warm from the cold. i miss cycling and screaming like a banshee to publicise our skit. i miss waffles with raisins. and soya bean milk with magic chewy things in them.
i need to pack out of my school residence soon. lots of clothes is still there. bah.
my hormones are going a wee bit crazy. in the afternoon i watched some family movie and of course they have 2 cute twin girls (if you guessed olsen, you're right) and the whole thing is about good triumphing evil and the evil switching over to the good side in the spirit of christmas and all that...
and i felt a lump in my throat at the happy ending.
DAMN LAME LA.
i think its all these babies and kids around me making me all maternal and emo.
i sense pms arriving. hoo whee.
good song by the killers. go get it boys.
spent the entire day lazing at home. oh the bliss. made some hot lipton tea and had it with good ol' ritz crackers. with cold breeze from the light rain. watching cartoons. now this is a holiday.
i have not heard from the belo one at all today. guess that is a good thing. we are very confused people and people as confused as us should stay away from each other.
sigh.
i want books, that top from topshop, the handbag from topshop, the flats from topshop, espadrilles from VS, a trip to tioman, a shopping trip to KL and a nice, fun vacation in chiang mai.
money, money, money, mooooooney
i miss phayao. i miss the village. the market. i miss seeing green grilled frogs being sold for breakfast. i miss seeing dogs in silly tees to keep them warm from the cold. i miss cycling and screaming like a banshee to publicise our skit. i miss waffles with raisins. and soya bean milk with magic chewy things in them.
i need to pack out of my school residence soon. lots of clothes is still there. bah.
my hormones are going a wee bit crazy. in the afternoon i watched some family movie and of course they have 2 cute twin girls (if you guessed olsen, you're right) and the whole thing is about good triumphing evil and the evil switching over to the good side in the spirit of christmas and all that...
and i felt a lump in my throat at the happy ending.
DAMN LAME LA.
i think its all these babies and kids around me making me all maternal and emo.
i sense pms arriving. hoo whee.
take my quiz. winner gets a date with me. haha. the winner prolly spends alot of time with me anyway.
Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!
Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!
niggled away to front and centre
had a blast with the lesbonbon today. pictures up tomorrow. tonight i wanna do an emo bit. huargh huargh huargh. banglas are kuntets. kuntet is a kafir/ satanic. :) kafir/ satanic is a movie. the movie is being sold for $7.95 a vcd at hmv. where i bought runaway bride. which i watched with hana in my room. and if you want to know what kind of person i am, watch it. cuz maggie carpenter and me are so alike. except that she's hotter and taller. but that's besides the point. go. watch. shoo.
niggling thought aforementioned came to a conclusion of sorts today. by a weird twist of events, i ended up talking it out with him.
told him about how i am afraid to lose him but at the same time i'm not sure if its for the right reasons or if i'm just proud and selfish.
i still love you. i would want to be in a relationship. if its with you. sometimes i feel as if you want me back in your life. and suddenly another guy comes in the picture and i get disappointed. i try to act all ok and as if i'm not affected at all. its happened so often and i'm so jaded
i am a very lost and confused person. sometimes i think i can do this, but then i recall how my relationships are and i just freak.
i expect so much from people. i have such high expectations. it doesn't matter if i myself fall short of it. i am always afraid that someone better will come along and trump him and then i will drop him and hurt him all over again. i am afraid of long- term commitments cuz i can't keep them.
and i am not ready for a relationship. not a re- relationship. nor a new one.
is there any point in being together again?
ahh i talk in circles.
i want a whole person. an individual with his own mind. and you're becoming that and that is attractive. but i think us getting back together will just stunt the whole process.
i am scared of hurting you. and i am hesitant of going back to the boat that was headed nowhere.
but let me put it this way. like the way i tell myself all the time when i get scared and worried or sad,
if its meant to be, it'll come around. it might take forever but it will.
we can't predict the future. but maybe for now it's best we remain like this.
lost and confused.
on a brighter note, gay hairdresser coby adopted a baby girl and named her janu. gay or not, i think it is damn moving that people lives can be changed so miraculously due to reality shows. another example is the Agus winning the Amazing Race. i think it sends out a positive message that viciousness is not the only route to the top.
that's about all i like about reality shows. besides that it can be so ugly. like the apprentice. ugh.
i miss you but at the same time i'm afraid that being with you will only repeat that downward spiral we took. it'll be selfish to hold on to each other just for temporal soothing of loneliness
had a blast with the lesbonbon today. pictures up tomorrow. tonight i wanna do an emo bit. huargh huargh huargh. banglas are kuntets. kuntet is a kafir/ satanic. :) kafir/ satanic is a movie. the movie is being sold for $7.95 a vcd at hmv. where i bought runaway bride. which i watched with hana in my room. and if you want to know what kind of person i am, watch it. cuz maggie carpenter and me are so alike. except that she's hotter and taller. but that's besides the point. go. watch. shoo.
niggling thought aforementioned came to a conclusion of sorts today. by a weird twist of events, i ended up talking it out with him.
told him about how i am afraid to lose him but at the same time i'm not sure if its for the right reasons or if i'm just proud and selfish.
i still love you. i would want to be in a relationship. if its with you. sometimes i feel as if you want me back in your life. and suddenly another guy comes in the picture and i get disappointed. i try to act all ok and as if i'm not affected at all. its happened so often and i'm so jaded
i am a very lost and confused person. sometimes i think i can do this, but then i recall how my relationships are and i just freak.
i expect so much from people. i have such high expectations. it doesn't matter if i myself fall short of it. i am always afraid that someone better will come along and trump him and then i will drop him and hurt him all over again. i am afraid of long- term commitments cuz i can't keep them.
and i am not ready for a relationship. not a re- relationship. nor a new one.
is there any point in being together again?
ahh i talk in circles.
i want a whole person. an individual with his own mind. and you're becoming that and that is attractive. but i think us getting back together will just stunt the whole process.
i am scared of hurting you. and i am hesitant of going back to the boat that was headed nowhere.
but let me put it this way. like the way i tell myself all the time when i get scared and worried or sad,
if its meant to be, it'll come around. it might take forever but it will.
we can't predict the future. but maybe for now it's best we remain like this.
lost and confused.
on a brighter note, gay hairdresser coby adopted a baby girl and named her janu. gay or not, i think it is damn moving that people lives can be changed so miraculously due to reality shows. another example is the Agus winning the Amazing Race. i think it sends out a positive message that viciousness is not the only route to the top.
that's about all i like about reality shows. besides that it can be so ugly. like the apprentice. ugh.
i miss you but at the same time i'm afraid that being with you will only repeat that downward spiral we took. it'll be selfish to hold on to each other just for temporal soothing of loneliness
Sunday, May 15, 2005
is this freedom and solitude i smell in the air?
my holidays have REALLY started. woke up at 12 noon. what an indulgence. i appreciate my bed so much more now.
i like wet dreams
tomorrow i shall start job- hunting and hopefully i'll get a job by next week. the whole of this week shall be spent vamping up my room and spoiling myself silly. books books books and chocolates. and the ocassional beach and town.
anyone have job lobang tell me hor. thank you! :D
you know how it is when you keep thinking that he is so right for you, exactly what you want and you think you are the perfect match for him?
and then it seems like he never seems to see you or doesn't think you're his type at all?
he doesn't even know you and doesn't bother trying? that frustration, from all the waiting and dreaming and hoping...
then you resign yourself to the stars again cuz you know if you guys were meant to be, if you're fated to cross paths, you will, even if now he ignores you or barely notices your presence.
but then you realize you've crossed paths a million times but you never speak. never.
you worry about how you look when near him, you replay every second of proximity you share with him and wonder if he noticed you and if he is turned off by your ways and mannerism.
and you feel stupid for thinking so much when you never cared before.
you keep deluding yourself into thinking that no, surely i don't like him anymore. surely i never liked him before. surely this surely that.
but you do! you are smitten by him and his quiet ways. his little soft smile that melts you. even though it's not meant for you.
you notice him all the time. from the corners of your eyes, peripheral view, you hear his voices, you watch him talk.
it's almost obsessive.
then you play it cool. you too try to not notice his presence the way he doesn't notice yours. it's a double mind- game you play with yourself and it leaves you tired and confused.
then the opportunity slips and you won't see him again till god- knows- when.
and you wonder if is it him or god that is so blind to how well you two will fit.
and then you think,
or maybe i am just deluded and wanting so much to believe that we match when we don't.
it's sad.
my holidays have REALLY started. woke up at 12 noon. what an indulgence. i appreciate my bed so much more now.
i like wet dreams
tomorrow i shall start job- hunting and hopefully i'll get a job by next week. the whole of this week shall be spent vamping up my room and spoiling myself silly. books books books and chocolates. and the ocassional beach and town.
anyone have job lobang tell me hor. thank you! :D
you know how it is when you keep thinking that he is so right for you, exactly what you want and you think you are the perfect match for him?
and then it seems like he never seems to see you or doesn't think you're his type at all?
he doesn't even know you and doesn't bother trying? that frustration, from all the waiting and dreaming and hoping...
then you resign yourself to the stars again cuz you know if you guys were meant to be, if you're fated to cross paths, you will, even if now he ignores you or barely notices your presence.
but then you realize you've crossed paths a million times but you never speak. never.
you worry about how you look when near him, you replay every second of proximity you share with him and wonder if he noticed you and if he is turned off by your ways and mannerism.
and you feel stupid for thinking so much when you never cared before.
you keep deluding yourself into thinking that no, surely i don't like him anymore. surely i never liked him before. surely this surely that.
but you do! you are smitten by him and his quiet ways. his little soft smile that melts you. even though it's not meant for you.
you notice him all the time. from the corners of your eyes, peripheral view, you hear his voices, you watch him talk.
it's almost obsessive.
then you play it cool. you too try to not notice his presence the way he doesn't notice yours. it's a double mind- game you play with yourself and it leaves you tired and confused.
then the opportunity slips and you won't see him again till god- knows- when.
and you wonder if is it him or god that is so blind to how well you two will fit.
and then you think,
or maybe i am just deluded and wanting so much to believe that we match when we don't.
it's sad.
the bitter end to the sweet success
i just know that soon the boredom will seep in and i will miss the mad rehearsal times of the musical, the cast, the production crew, the singing and dancing.
tonight was our last show. it was great. glitches ever so often but we gave it our all. i had a blast.
thank you all who came and supported the cause. thank you all who texted me luck and whatnots. it helped and worked. :)
musical was a blast and an interesting experience of my life. and no, no crush on najib la. too fleeting la he. so elusive. it gets tiring.
so here it is. pictures. to speak what little there is left to say. cuz the rest are immortalised in songs, in wails in the dressing room, in jivings backstage, in prancing around like a rocker on the set, in being crazy, in sharing bananas, in laughter and tears and bickering, in everything we had experienced together, that will remain so within me. thank you guys, for a blast.
now, we may seem normal...
but remember, looks can be deceiving.
kita kerek. ( we are snobs).
kita sexy.
and most importantly,
KITA ROCK BEB! (er, we rock.)
she's supposed to be the superslut (in the musical, and in this pic). i am a cheap imitation. here's mel, who is mari in the musical. and very hate- able. in the musical. haha.
the star of the show, jacyln toh a.k.a. LV.
same people, with the addition of Ray a.k.a. Anton. he has a cute brother named andreas who is 6 years younger or else i would so date him.
piano man! i call him HARMANNN in a very malay way cuz he is more malay than me and sara (who is not pictured with me ever, weirdly enough) combined. he played the piano since 4 and he is the man behind my fallin' song. he makes sure i hit the key all the time and trust me, i always go off. he is very patient and very nice.
ok i am exhausted. but i had a great great time doing this. all the ups and downs.
lovely, all of you.
*bows*
i just know that soon the boredom will seep in and i will miss the mad rehearsal times of the musical, the cast, the production crew, the singing and dancing.
tonight was our last show. it was great. glitches ever so often but we gave it our all. i had a blast.
thank you all who came and supported the cause. thank you all who texted me luck and whatnots. it helped and worked. :)
musical was a blast and an interesting experience of my life. and no, no crush on najib la. too fleeting la he. so elusive. it gets tiring.
so here it is. pictures. to speak what little there is left to say. cuz the rest are immortalised in songs, in wails in the dressing room, in jivings backstage, in prancing around like a rocker on the set, in being crazy, in sharing bananas, in laughter and tears and bickering, in everything we had experienced together, that will remain so within me. thank you guys, for a blast.
now, we may seem normal...
but remember, looks can be deceiving.
kita kerek. ( we are snobs).
kita sexy.
and most importantly,
KITA ROCK BEB! (er, we rock.)
she's supposed to be the superslut (in the musical, and in this pic). i am a cheap imitation. here's mel, who is mari in the musical. and very hate- able. in the musical. haha.
the star of the show, jacyln toh a.k.a. LV.
same people, with the addition of Ray a.k.a. Anton. he has a cute brother named andreas who is 6 years younger or else i would so date him.
piano man! i call him HARMANNN in a very malay way cuz he is more malay than me and sara (who is not pictured with me ever, weirdly enough) combined. he played the piano since 4 and he is the man behind my fallin' song. he makes sure i hit the key all the time and trust me, i always go off. he is very patient and very nice.
ok i am exhausted. but i had a great great time doing this. all the ups and downs.
lovely, all of you.
*bows*
Saturday, May 14, 2005
meeting the girls- sara & nydia for lunch in a bit.
tonight is closing night. one more show and all this effort and hard work is over.
what little semblance of it will be immortalised in pictures and words.
oh and a video recording.
and in all that, everyone shall remember that day as the day,
fiza had no more undies cuz they were all being washed.
also the day fiza gets jittery about seeing najib.
and the day fiza stiffens in fear cuz faidzal/ waiter boy comes today.
dum dum dum. off to town for lunch now. muacks and wish me luck.
just one more. *prays*
tonight is closing night. one more show and all this effort and hard work is over.
what little semblance of it will be immortalised in pictures and words.
oh and a video recording.
and in all that, everyone shall remember that day as the day,
fiza had no more undies cuz they were all being washed.
also the day fiza gets jittery about seeing najib.
and the day fiza stiffens in fear cuz faidzal/ waiter boy comes today.
dum dum dum. off to town for lunch now. muacks and wish me luck.
just one more. *prays*
it went well. tired. one more show, and the last one, too, tomorrow night.
pictures shall spake tonight.
bored while waitin to be made up.
the ensemble.
me and nydia. OKAY!
relief after hitting the right key.
inedible gunk in the beloness's tom yam noodles.
yea headed for al- ameen for supper after the musical. had prata. happy girl spakes here.
tired though.
more tomorrow, when all is for real, over. forever. nyeahaha.
pictures shall spake tonight.
bored while waitin to be made up.
the ensemble.
me and nydia. OKAY!
relief after hitting the right key.
inedible gunk in the beloness's tom yam noodles.
yea headed for al- ameen for supper after the musical. had prata. happy girl spakes here.
tired though.
more tomorrow, when all is for real, over. forever. nyeahaha.
Friday, May 13, 2005
i am bloody nervous la can!
show night tonight and most people i know are coming tonight, including professors and faculty staff of USP. argh argh argh.
stressed. stressed.
am listening to all my punk- funk- rock songs but it is NOT WORKING!
oh dear oh dear.
i better practice my song like a dog in heat later with harman. i must nail this. i must.
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
show night tonight and most people i know are coming tonight, including professors and faculty staff of USP. argh argh argh.
stressed. stressed.
am listening to all my punk- funk- rock songs but it is NOT WORKING!
oh dear oh dear.
i better practice my song like a dog in heat later with harman. i must nail this. i must.
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
long day today, a longer day tomorrow.
first night jitters setting in, setting in.
oh. guess who's doing spotlighting?
najib.
yes yes. god of handsome. purple boy. my hunka hunka hunka burnin' crush of yesteryear. is doing. lights.
god is kind, merciful, and very very funny.
gotta nail my song tomorrow or i'm screwed.
first night jitters setting in, setting in.
oh. guess who's doing spotlighting?
najib.
yes yes. god of handsome. purple boy. my hunka hunka hunka burnin' crush of yesteryear. is doing. lights.
god is kind, merciful, and very very funny.
gotta nail my song tomorrow or i'm screwed.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
what's new pussycat?
i won't bore you any further cuz my day, as we all now know, was totally musical rehearsal, nothing else.
niggling thought still niggles though there was a slight glitch yesterday. but he remains there in my head. :) and it is a happy niggle.
it fascinates me how much men affect our lives. i see so many people crumbling or being lifted; cuz of a guy.
why give them such power? why leave your happiness and life in his hands? DON'T. for your sake, don't. they are rarely worth it.
you are first a woman, a self, a being, before anything else. if you cannot give yourself that, if you cannot respect yourself enough to give yourself what you deserve, then it's just sad.
men are rarely worth it and even when the rare gem comes along keep in mind that they are human, they change, they are flawed. put too much in their hands and chances are, you will lose it. if you put everything, when you lose him, you lose everything.
don't give them your all. they don't deserve it. they don't know what to do with it. keep the YOU that you love. that is yours and yours alone.
i just hate to see another girl cry and get lost in tears and insecurity because of a guy. seriously they are so not worth it. i won't deny they provide great company and some things that girls can't give but bottomline is,
nothing a guy can give you that you can't give yourself. if you make him your happiness, you're a fool for thinking that it will be permanent. if you make him your happiness, you are making yourself vulnerable to terrible heartache and UNhappiness when he leaves.
just don't let life revolve around one person. if so, let that one person be you. don't revolve your life around a guy cuz though you guys may be the happiest couple ever, the time will come when you get sick of it all. if not you, him.
save yourself the pain. keep you to you.
ok. enough. i've done my bit for the femmes. pictures galore now.
the boy who has my heart; alif.
cure for the brokenhearted.
what do you do when bored at rehearsals? well, you can...
1. measure your head.
2. hand your dress on your ears.
3. walk around with a marshmellow in your mouth.
i am starving now cuz the last thing i ate was at like, 11 a.m. and during rehearsals all we had was marshmellows.
starvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvving.
i also realized recently that i actually eat alot. like seriously alot. every 2 hours i get hungry. like seriously hungry.
aiyayaiyayai.
i won't bore you any further cuz my day, as we all now know, was totally musical rehearsal, nothing else.
niggling thought still niggles though there was a slight glitch yesterday. but he remains there in my head. :) and it is a happy niggle.
it fascinates me how much men affect our lives. i see so many people crumbling or being lifted; cuz of a guy.
why give them such power? why leave your happiness and life in his hands? DON'T. for your sake, don't. they are rarely worth it.
you are first a woman, a self, a being, before anything else. if you cannot give yourself that, if you cannot respect yourself enough to give yourself what you deserve, then it's just sad.
men are rarely worth it and even when the rare gem comes along keep in mind that they are human, they change, they are flawed. put too much in their hands and chances are, you will lose it. if you put everything, when you lose him, you lose everything.
don't give them your all. they don't deserve it. they don't know what to do with it. keep the YOU that you love. that is yours and yours alone.
i just hate to see another girl cry and get lost in tears and insecurity because of a guy. seriously they are so not worth it. i won't deny they provide great company and some things that girls can't give but bottomline is,
nothing a guy can give you that you can't give yourself. if you make him your happiness, you're a fool for thinking that it will be permanent. if you make him your happiness, you are making yourself vulnerable to terrible heartache and UNhappiness when he leaves.
just don't let life revolve around one person. if so, let that one person be you. don't revolve your life around a guy cuz though you guys may be the happiest couple ever, the time will come when you get sick of it all. if not you, him.
save yourself the pain. keep you to you.
ok. enough. i've done my bit for the femmes. pictures galore now.
the boy who has my heart; alif.
cure for the brokenhearted.
what do you do when bored at rehearsals? well, you can...
1. measure your head.
2. hand your dress on your ears.
3. walk around with a marshmellow in your mouth.
i am starving now cuz the last thing i ate was at like, 11 a.m. and during rehearsals all we had was marshmellows.
starvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvving.
i also realized recently that i actually eat alot. like seriously alot. every 2 hours i get hungry. like seriously hungry.
aiyayaiyayai.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
finally
i finally hit the note and got the song and all that crap down today. so cleared. now is the issue of energy level. aiya. tomorrow will be at the real space. maybe then.
OK FAIDZAL HAVE BEEN MESSAGING ME AND I WAS OKAY AND REPLYING AND ALL THAT AND THEN HE WENT AND CALL ME SWEETIE AND WINKED.
aaaaaaaaaaaaargh stupid stupid boy. don't DO that la i FREAK CAN!
ok i will not reply then. shall delude myself into thinking i am asleep and hence can't reply that. good lord.
anyway. yes. rehearsals went better for me today. and in my free time i helped with the set so i am happy. i PAINTED today! does everyone know just how much i LOVE painting? and SCREWING? huargh huargh huargh.
yes so today i painted and screwed. :D tightened NUTS and bolts. haha. fun. i like building things. i loved technical classes. today i hammered and brushed and spannered and plyered. whee.
lots of pics to upload actually but time is not on my side. in good time. will you believe it, by saturday at this hour i will officially be free and soon bored shitless?
anyway post- rehearsals had dinner at thai express with nydia and sara and cheryl. was good la. talked it out. felt good to commiserate a bit.
bear with the dull entries on rehearsals for a bit, haven't gotten time to think much except for in train rides these days.
wrote a poem on the train. but i'll be damned to type it out now.
about the aforementioned niggling thought, well it is still there and it still niggles. but like i said, will give it time. if it still niggles next month, if i still feel and think about it in a month's time then i know i can do something about it. for now, i shall keep in mind that i have very short attention span when it comes to boys so i will not make a move lest i decide 2 weeks later that OOPS! don't like you liao. hehe.
so i will take time and think it through. no rush. besides, i don't want to be in a relationship... that's the complicated bit. i don't know what will happen if i do tell him all this. will we have a relationship? will he just acknowledge my feelings and respond accordingly (whatever is accorded) and not suggest a relationship? confusion. ensues. now. gah.
so let it be for the moment. in good time, we will know who fiza wants.
i finally hit the note and got the song and all that crap down today. so cleared. now is the issue of energy level. aiya. tomorrow will be at the real space. maybe then.
OK FAIDZAL HAVE BEEN MESSAGING ME AND I WAS OKAY AND REPLYING AND ALL THAT AND THEN HE WENT AND CALL ME SWEETIE AND WINKED.
aaaaaaaaaaaaargh stupid stupid boy. don't DO that la i FREAK CAN!
ok i will not reply then. shall delude myself into thinking i am asleep and hence can't reply that. good lord.
anyway. yes. rehearsals went better for me today. and in my free time i helped with the set so i am happy. i PAINTED today! does everyone know just how much i LOVE painting? and SCREWING? huargh huargh huargh.
yes so today i painted and screwed. :D tightened NUTS and bolts. haha. fun. i like building things. i loved technical classes. today i hammered and brushed and spannered and plyered. whee.
lots of pics to upload actually but time is not on my side. in good time. will you believe it, by saturday at this hour i will officially be free and soon bored shitless?
anyway post- rehearsals had dinner at thai express with nydia and sara and cheryl. was good la. talked it out. felt good to commiserate a bit.
bear with the dull entries on rehearsals for a bit, haven't gotten time to think much except for in train rides these days.
wrote a poem on the train. but i'll be damned to type it out now.
about the aforementioned niggling thought, well it is still there and it still niggles. but like i said, will give it time. if it still niggles next month, if i still feel and think about it in a month's time then i know i can do something about it. for now, i shall keep in mind that i have very short attention span when it comes to boys so i will not make a move lest i decide 2 weeks later that OOPS! don't like you liao. hehe.
so i will take time and think it through. no rush. besides, i don't want to be in a relationship... that's the complicated bit. i don't know what will happen if i do tell him all this. will we have a relationship? will he just acknowledge my feelings and respond accordingly (whatever is accorded) and not suggest a relationship? confusion. ensues. now. gah.
so let it be for the moment. in good time, we will know who fiza wants.
Monday, May 09, 2005
don't let me burst your bubble
whee. today i got pissed! haha. like finally. i was wondering when i was going to crack. considering things hasn't been so stressful it is not surprise it took some time. but hey, finally. i am tired. it feels good to be humane.
rehearsals stretched till 7.30 p.m. (for me, the rest stayed on till god knows when) and even then i was exhausted and cranky as hell. apologies to crew and cast for having to bear with my black(er) (than usual) face. haha. i was hungry and mum had been waiting for me in town for more than 2 hours and i hate to make her wait. that's all. but it is my fault too la cuz i just bloody couldn't hit the note for the opening song and we had to keep runnig through it over and over again just for me. sorry hor. the beat very odd for me. lil' hard to catch. but cuz we kept singing it. till now the animaniacal tune is ringing in my head. all that cymbals and clanging and cartoonish sounds. *shakes head* argh. stuck in there.
oh well might as well then at least i will memorise the song. :D
got costumes, if you can call them that, for the production. that bit settled then. phew.
went to marche with mum. let all my irritability and anger be appeased by good old rosti, truffle cake and warm bread and butter pudding. mmm.
tomorrow we go again at 9 a.m. sigh. i gotta get my blocking and moves down. but it is so weird cuz i am singing it to like, directors and stage crew and stuff and they all know me and i'm like, blanked. then i go pitchy. then yeeech nail screeching on board thing starts. sigh.
it's been a terrible day, in case you can't tell. and clearly, you can't read to so there is no point in typing the previous statement.
will someone please kidnap me to an overseas country? we'll pay you a damn good ransom. just get me out of here.
i want to go back thailand. chiang mai. phayao, to be specific. a place where no one knows me and no one speaks english. blessed.
i should be considerably happy given that i've gotten new clothes and the belo one might be coming to the musical and all that. but by god,
it's been a STINKY day. i hope never to have another one like this. never felt so shitty before.
for once i am not all hyper- happy cheery. feels good la. was getting boring.
but by golly.
i sure prefer being happy.
whee. today i got pissed! haha. like finally. i was wondering when i was going to crack. considering things hasn't been so stressful it is not surprise it took some time. but hey, finally. i am tired. it feels good to be humane.
rehearsals stretched till 7.30 p.m. (for me, the rest stayed on till god knows when) and even then i was exhausted and cranky as hell. apologies to crew and cast for having to bear with my black(er) (than usual) face. haha. i was hungry and mum had been waiting for me in town for more than 2 hours and i hate to make her wait. that's all. but it is my fault too la cuz i just bloody couldn't hit the note for the opening song and we had to keep runnig through it over and over again just for me. sorry hor. the beat very odd for me. lil' hard to catch. but cuz we kept singing it. till now the animaniacal tune is ringing in my head. all that cymbals and clanging and cartoonish sounds. *shakes head* argh. stuck in there.
oh well might as well then at least i will memorise the song. :D
got costumes, if you can call them that, for the production. that bit settled then. phew.
went to marche with mum. let all my irritability and anger be appeased by good old rosti, truffle cake and warm bread and butter pudding. mmm.
tomorrow we go again at 9 a.m. sigh. i gotta get my blocking and moves down. but it is so weird cuz i am singing it to like, directors and stage crew and stuff and they all know me and i'm like, blanked. then i go pitchy. then yeeech nail screeching on board thing starts. sigh.
it's been a terrible day, in case you can't tell. and clearly, you can't read to so there is no point in typing the previous statement.
will someone please kidnap me to an overseas country? we'll pay you a damn good ransom. just get me out of here.
i want to go back thailand. chiang mai. phayao, to be specific. a place where no one knows me and no one speaks english. blessed.
i should be considerably happy given that i've gotten new clothes and the belo one might be coming to the musical and all that. but by god,
it's been a STINKY day. i hope never to have another one like this. never felt so shitty before.
for once i am not all hyper- happy cheery. feels good la. was getting boring.
but by golly.
i sure prefer being happy.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
we are the aniiiiiiimaniiiiiiiiacs
yesterday was a wonderfully long but well- spent day out with very very nice people.
first up was the belo one for lunch at... OOOOOOOOH! WISMANGAN! no la i knew he wasn't working but it was more auntie mimi i was worried about. she was so into us being together and all. SCARY. even now when i recall i shudder. she was looking for a wife for him. -_-
anyway sorry maya, no pics, cuz we were busy gift- hunting. for mum's day and him for that and sis's birthday too. and to prove my point that he is a true- blue full- blown apek, he bought 2 bracelets for $39. those offer- offer thingy la. haha. but the bracelets were nice la... but still! haha. then they were wrapped separately and he panicked cuz now he can't see which one is for the mum and which is for the sis. amma.
then i bought my mum's gift, a book. The Bad Mother's Handbook. it looks funny. hopefully she'll finish reading it soon then i can read it too. :P bought myself a book to but the belo one paid for me first. Ten Men by alexandra gray. it's pretty good. am halfway through it already. next on my list is maneater, heh heh heh, and memoirs of a madman. ohohoh and be honest, you're not that into him either. dang. so many books so little BLING BLING!
speaking of bling- bling i have FOUND the dress for the musical. thank god. but it's quite plain but re- wearable so it won the more cabaret-ish dress we saw at far east (in case you didn't know i'm in a cabaret scene). but now i gotta bling- bling- ise it. :| i see big chunky chain necklace, huge bling- bling belt and gold teeth. too much mtv and i don't even have cable. HAH!
speaking of all that hips and hops, i have a heee- uge crush on john cena from WWE. he is damn hot la. and cute. and he is the new WWE CHAMPION! whee!
don't give me flak about watching wrestling it is damn fun ok you see all these hot men bashing each other up and all the drama and hot women, it beats days of our lives any day. and if you need motivation to get buff and get your fat- ass of to the gym, this is the show la. but i'll admit that watching lita and kane kiss was gross.
and if you didn't know what i was talking about then either one of us is watching too little or too much tv. :D
eh what was i talking about ah? about yesterday right? how the hell did i get here. kane is damn ugly la. and when he gets turned on or some shit he breathes heavily. what confuses me is he breathes heavily when he gives the men a good bashing too so now i'm questioning is he straight?
anyway yes i do digress back to yesterday. umm so after getting my book in town the belo one had to go off for work and i met sara and nydia to hunt for the dress. and other production stuff. that was rather fun though i got quite a headache seeing all that cloths and swaying rails. i mean i get it it looks good and all that but seriously, if you touch a top and the whole freaking rail that it hangs on sways and wobbles and the shop is dimly lit and everything is lacy and purple, it is quite migraine- inducing.
we finally had dinner and my headache subdued. food, i tell you, is MAGICAL. cures everything and anything. at one point though me and sara were pointing how nydia was a minah and she has mat friends and nydia wonderfully snit, "hey they're not mats ok at least they don't wear tapered pants." and OF COURSE there were mats beside us who looked like potential tapered- pants wearers. so i leaned back a little, took a sip of my bandung, subtly let my eye wander to their ankles and WHOOPEE! TAPEREDPANTSALERT! and i burst out laughing, simultaneously bursting out pink bandung onto nydia's face. haha. sorry girl. but that oughta teach you a lesson to make stupid mat remarks when SURROUNDED BY THEM! it's far east plaza for god's sake! the walls OOZES of mats! out of dead ends and corners, mats can just pop out! far east plaza is a frigging mat factory i tell you.
post- dinner we wandered around some more then we found my dress, got lost abit at heerens, then nydia had to go off for her fake- date. tee hee. then me and sara sat and chat at starbucks cali fitness. oh glory glory. thomas kemper + good bitch partner. i like.
she said i was the only one so far she had met who agreed with her no- need- to- get- married stance. i am not surprised.
we talked about what little in common we had (hadi! GASP! haha) and secondary school and life and family and whatnots. good times we have.
now it's mother's day so i'm off to jay to the bee for food and shopping joyousness. toodle pip! huargh huargh huargh (each time i write this, imagine me laughing it as well. it will make everything else in your day seem so much more beautiful cuz it's so gloriously disgusting. haha.)
yesterday was a wonderfully long but well- spent day out with very very nice people.
first up was the belo one for lunch at... OOOOOOOOH! WISMANGAN! no la i knew he wasn't working but it was more auntie mimi i was worried about. she was so into us being together and all. SCARY. even now when i recall i shudder. she was looking for a wife for him. -_-
anyway sorry maya, no pics, cuz we were busy gift- hunting. for mum's day and him for that and sis's birthday too. and to prove my point that he is a true- blue full- blown apek, he bought 2 bracelets for $39. those offer- offer thingy la. haha. but the bracelets were nice la... but still! haha. then they were wrapped separately and he panicked cuz now he can't see which one is for the mum and which is for the sis. amma.
then i bought my mum's gift, a book. The Bad Mother's Handbook. it looks funny. hopefully she'll finish reading it soon then i can read it too. :P bought myself a book to but the belo one paid for me first. Ten Men by alexandra gray. it's pretty good. am halfway through it already. next on my list is maneater, heh heh heh, and memoirs of a madman. ohohoh and be honest, you're not that into him either. dang. so many books so little BLING BLING!
speaking of bling- bling i have FOUND the dress for the musical. thank god. but it's quite plain but re- wearable so it won the more cabaret-ish dress we saw at far east (in case you didn't know i'm in a cabaret scene). but now i gotta bling- bling- ise it. :| i see big chunky chain necklace, huge bling- bling belt and gold teeth. too much mtv and i don't even have cable. HAH!
speaking of all that hips and hops, i have a heee- uge crush on john cena from WWE. he is damn hot la. and cute. and he is the new WWE CHAMPION! whee!
don't give me flak about watching wrestling it is damn fun ok you see all these hot men bashing each other up and all the drama and hot women, it beats days of our lives any day. and if you need motivation to get buff and get your fat- ass of to the gym, this is the show la. but i'll admit that watching lita and kane kiss was gross.
and if you didn't know what i was talking about then either one of us is watching too little or too much tv. :D
eh what was i talking about ah? about yesterday right? how the hell did i get here. kane is damn ugly la. and when he gets turned on or some shit he breathes heavily. what confuses me is he breathes heavily when he gives the men a good bashing too so now i'm questioning is he straight?
anyway yes i do digress back to yesterday. umm so after getting my book in town the belo one had to go off for work and i met sara and nydia to hunt for the dress. and other production stuff. that was rather fun though i got quite a headache seeing all that cloths and swaying rails. i mean i get it it looks good and all that but seriously, if you touch a top and the whole freaking rail that it hangs on sways and wobbles and the shop is dimly lit and everything is lacy and purple, it is quite migraine- inducing.
we finally had dinner and my headache subdued. food, i tell you, is MAGICAL. cures everything and anything. at one point though me and sara were pointing how nydia was a minah and she has mat friends and nydia wonderfully snit, "hey they're not mats ok at least they don't wear tapered pants." and OF COURSE there were mats beside us who looked like potential tapered- pants wearers. so i leaned back a little, took a sip of my bandung, subtly let my eye wander to their ankles and WHOOPEE! TAPEREDPANTSALERT! and i burst out laughing, simultaneously bursting out pink bandung onto nydia's face. haha. sorry girl. but that oughta teach you a lesson to make stupid mat remarks when SURROUNDED BY THEM! it's far east plaza for god's sake! the walls OOZES of mats! out of dead ends and corners, mats can just pop out! far east plaza is a frigging mat factory i tell you.
post- dinner we wandered around some more then we found my dress, got lost abit at heerens, then nydia had to go off for her fake- date. tee hee. then me and sara sat and chat at starbucks cali fitness. oh glory glory. thomas kemper + good bitch partner. i like.
she said i was the only one so far she had met who agreed with her no- need- to- get- married stance. i am not surprised.
we talked about what little in common we had (hadi! GASP! haha) and secondary school and life and family and whatnots. good times we have.
now it's mother's day so i'm off to jay to the bee for food and shopping joyousness. toodle pip! huargh huargh huargh (each time i write this, imagine me laughing it as well. it will make everything else in your day seem so much more beautiful cuz it's so gloriously disgusting. haha.)
Friday, May 06, 2005
is she better than me? more perverted than me?
faidzal, the poor boy whom i rejected tactlessly many many days ago just texted me. nothing fancy, just to say hi. everytime i see his name or think of him i shudder. the memory of it all.
he is well. sorta. sick i guess. umm ya. haiya it is weird to receive messages from him after so long. and instead of the old butterflies now it stiffens me as i await in fearful anticipation what he has to say. i am truly weird.
when i want out i mean out. i don't do the dangle around and look available game. bah.
mum just asked if i like hafiz, the belo one. why must she hit me with questions like that? boo.
rehearsals was pretty well, got many things done. as we get closer to show night the nervous anticipation both unnerves and excites us at the same time. tension rises and relations strained as everyone gets more touchy and more easily annoyed. but in good time, we'll be sailing. and i believe this show will be big. tomorrow we got interviews for straits time. jumpin' horsefeathers!
an old ex recently got attached. i am happy for him if he is. we were never really close cuz the relationship wasn't long and anyway i got together with him for no apparent reason other than the fact that he had asked (don't ask). however he has taken to rubbing it in, by constantly calling me on their dates saying things like, "hey guess what! we are at xxx. remember, the place we went?" and blablabla. at first i thought hey ok he is being sweet or slightly psychotic but no biggie. but he calls me daily. or so it feels. each time he goes out with his new girl it seems. which is darn weird. i mean, i would be disturbed if my boyfriend keeps bringing me to places he and his ex used to go AND then call her up to tell her so. doesn't the girl SAY anything?
anyway i am not sure if you read this, but if you do. well. i am happy for you. that you got what you want. be happy. just don't think my happiness is relative to yours. i was happy with or without you. and i am not envious of your new relationship even though i am single. honestly, i am happy this way, with all my confusion on men and dates. i like my life. not your idea of fun, maybe, but hey, that's why it's my life, not yours.
now.
tomorrow is possibly luch with the belo one. along the lines plans have become extremely complicated and i have no idea if it is still on now. dum dum dum.
and tomorrow also me and nydia and sara will probably do costume- hunting, which i believe is the best bit of this whole production. huargh huargh huargh.
my boipren a.k.a. lesbonbon's sister texted me today and offered me a job. some seminar- chair- CBD thingamajik. whatever pays dude, i am in. ISN'T IT SO COOL WORK WITH MY BOIPREN HUARGH HUARGH HUARGH BERKULAT- KULAT LA KITA.
i am so glad there's not much movies to watch cuz ticket prices at certain places have gone up.
suddenly tired. well clearly. post- rehearsals was town with nydia where we had dinner and did some window- shopping for my musical costumes. whee.
ate at the roti john place at far east and i realize the guy there is still so cute la. tsk. so wrong. he is old can! damn it. but he is so damn cute. had a crush on him since secondary school days. how pathetic is that. when i found out last year he was "uncle" material my world collapsed. haha. but hey saw him just now and he is looking as hot as ever. maybe i shoud just marry him. age is afterall, just a number.
and i believe people who put taugeys in my noodles, be it mee rebus or laksa or anything else, is secretly trying to trick me into eating taugeys. I HATE TAUGEYS as much as i hate tomatoes and lovebites. so don't put any of this three near me. or my food. conspiracy theory i tell you, this taugey- in- noodle people.
too long a post but what is new. about the post early this morning, well i'm glad i didn't do or say anything much. he has moved on and it is better this way. we were all meant for better things.
sara; maybe you were right. i was too late. heh.
faidzal, the poor boy whom i rejected tactlessly many many days ago just texted me. nothing fancy, just to say hi. everytime i see his name or think of him i shudder. the memory of it all.
he is well. sorta. sick i guess. umm ya. haiya it is weird to receive messages from him after so long. and instead of the old butterflies now it stiffens me as i await in fearful anticipation what he has to say. i am truly weird.
when i want out i mean out. i don't do the dangle around and look available game. bah.
mum just asked if i like hafiz, the belo one. why must she hit me with questions like that? boo.
rehearsals was pretty well, got many things done. as we get closer to show night the nervous anticipation both unnerves and excites us at the same time. tension rises and relations strained as everyone gets more touchy and more easily annoyed. but in good time, we'll be sailing. and i believe this show will be big. tomorrow we got interviews for straits time. jumpin' horsefeathers!
an old ex recently got attached. i am happy for him if he is. we were never really close cuz the relationship wasn't long and anyway i got together with him for no apparent reason other than the fact that he had asked (don't ask). however he has taken to rubbing it in, by constantly calling me on their dates saying things like, "hey guess what! we are at xxx. remember, the place we went?" and blablabla. at first i thought hey ok he is being sweet or slightly psychotic but no biggie. but he calls me daily. or so it feels. each time he goes out with his new girl it seems. which is darn weird. i mean, i would be disturbed if my boyfriend keeps bringing me to places he and his ex used to go AND then call her up to tell her so. doesn't the girl SAY anything?
anyway i am not sure if you read this, but if you do. well. i am happy for you. that you got what you want. be happy. just don't think my happiness is relative to yours. i was happy with or without you. and i am not envious of your new relationship even though i am single. honestly, i am happy this way, with all my confusion on men and dates. i like my life. not your idea of fun, maybe, but hey, that's why it's my life, not yours.
now.
tomorrow is possibly luch with the belo one. along the lines plans have become extremely complicated and i have no idea if it is still on now. dum dum dum.
and tomorrow also me and nydia and sara will probably do costume- hunting, which i believe is the best bit of this whole production. huargh huargh huargh.
my boipren a.k.a. lesbonbon's sister texted me today and offered me a job. some seminar- chair- CBD thingamajik. whatever pays dude, i am in. ISN'T IT SO COOL WORK WITH MY BOIPREN HUARGH HUARGH HUARGH BERKULAT- KULAT LA KITA.
i am so glad there's not much movies to watch cuz ticket prices at certain places have gone up.
suddenly tired. well clearly. post- rehearsals was town with nydia where we had dinner and did some window- shopping for my musical costumes. whee.
ate at the roti john place at far east and i realize the guy there is still so cute la. tsk. so wrong. he is old can! damn it. but he is so damn cute. had a crush on him since secondary school days. how pathetic is that. when i found out last year he was "uncle" material my world collapsed. haha. but hey saw him just now and he is looking as hot as ever. maybe i shoud just marry him. age is afterall, just a number.
and i believe people who put taugeys in my noodles, be it mee rebus or laksa or anything else, is secretly trying to trick me into eating taugeys. I HATE TAUGEYS as much as i hate tomatoes and lovebites. so don't put any of this three near me. or my food. conspiracy theory i tell you, this taugey- in- noodle people.
too long a post but what is new. about the post early this morning, well i'm glad i didn't do or say anything much. he has moved on and it is better this way. we were all meant for better things.
sara; maybe you were right. i was too late. heh.
niggling thought
have been giving this so much thought lately. he is always there, in my mind, though i won't say i think of him much, for sure daily i think of him, at some point or another. i turn to him almost like a reflex reaction in the face of disaster. he annoys me still, like he did, and problems of before is still there. it never went away. hence the end. but now. i don't know. part of me knows i enjoy this singlehood, and part of me is so unsure if i'll be able to see him truly move on and out of my life. and then i wonder if i'm just being selfish. andmaybe i am too proud.
niggling thought. it won't go away. i refuse to talk it out with him just yet cuz i myself am unsure of it. there is alot to think of and work out and i don't want to do this for the wrong reasons. plus i have to keep in mind how hard it was to move on in the first place and to destroy it all pointlessly will be, well, pointless. and i have to remember why it ended in the first place. so much to consider. i don't want to tell him and have him stuck in the same rut as i am. and i don't want to give false hopes to anyone, especially not myself. yet i know i need to talk this out with him cuz what he thinks clearly matters here. but no. i shouldn't do anything just yet. everything is still so gray.
and of course in face of massive decisions like these i choose to turn the other way and just pretend it never crossed my mind. always easier that way.
i know i am scared to lose you. i just need to know why.
i know i like spending time with you. i just need to know why.
i am always afraid that someone better might come along and i will drop it all and run off again.
i hate second chances too. be it for myself or others.
and i realize if i am so unsure about it, then it must be a terrible idea and i should not proceed it with it.
oh bother bother bother.
have been giving this so much thought lately. he is always there, in my mind, though i won't say i think of him much, for sure daily i think of him, at some point or another. i turn to him almost like a reflex reaction in the face of disaster. he annoys me still, like he did, and problems of before is still there. it never went away. hence the end. but now. i don't know. part of me knows i enjoy this singlehood, and part of me is so unsure if i'll be able to see him truly move on and out of my life. and then i wonder if i'm just being selfish. and
niggling thought. it won't go away. i refuse to talk it out with him just yet cuz i myself am unsure of it. there is alot to think of and work out and i don't want to do this for the wrong reasons. plus i have to keep in mind how hard it was to move on in the first place and to destroy it all pointlessly will be, well, pointless. and i have to remember why it ended in the first place. so much to consider. i don't want to tell him and have him stuck in the same rut as i am. and i don't want to give false hopes to anyone, especially not myself. yet i know i need to talk this out with him cuz what he thinks clearly matters here. but no. i shouldn't do anything just yet. everything is still so gray.
and of course in face of massive decisions like these i choose to turn the other way and just pretend it never crossed my mind. always easier that way.
i know i am scared to lose you. i just need to know why.
i know i like spending time with you. i just need to know why.
i am always afraid that someone better might come along and i will drop it all and run off again.
i hate second chances too. be it for myself or others.
and i realize if i am so unsure about it, then it must be a terrible idea and i should not proceed it with it.
oh bother bother bother.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
miracles
thanks to all who have showered me with condolences. :) i am fine... glad he went peacefully. god bless his soul. al- fateha.
went to my aunt's place and most of my maternal family was gathered. to cease from divulging excessive information, i see it suffice to reveal that this side of the family has seen much ups and downs and typical of all malay families, there are 1 or 2 among them who can't see eye to eye. and though it was heartwarming to see them all put aside their differences to come together and seal a solidarity, it is sad that only in death do we really open our eyes and realize that life is indeed fleeting, and there is no point in the mindless bickering we so often indulge in. only in death. my grandmother's, my dad's, now my grandfather's. after each death we bond tight, and over time we forget and fight again. how many deaths will it take?
ah well.
mish- mash of emotions today cuz the passing of the grandfather coincide with the birth of 2 nieces. yes, i became an auntie twice today. nurhidayah and nuraishah. daughters to proud fathers, abang pia and abang nasir, my 2 eldest male cousins. congrats!
the loss of life and the birth of a newborn. in a day. miracle right before your eye.
today the aunts reconciled; cik majen who hadn't talked to cik bedah in months finally held cik bedah's son for the first time. siblings dissolved their enmity; cik wahidah who hasn't talked to her own brother in years except for snide remarks broke down crying at the same time with him when the body was being carried away. today the people whom i call family sat on the floor together eating bread with curry and sipping hot coffee, exchanging stories about the late grandfather.
laughing and smiling. but i wonder how long this will last.
humans are such flawed creations.
thanks to all who have showered me with condolences. :) i am fine... glad he went peacefully. god bless his soul. al- fateha.
went to my aunt's place and most of my maternal family was gathered. to cease from divulging excessive information, i see it suffice to reveal that this side of the family has seen much ups and downs and typical of all malay families, there are 1 or 2 among them who can't see eye to eye. and though it was heartwarming to see them all put aside their differences to come together and seal a solidarity, it is sad that only in death do we really open our eyes and realize that life is indeed fleeting, and there is no point in the mindless bickering we so often indulge in. only in death. my grandmother's, my dad's, now my grandfather's. after each death we bond tight, and over time we forget and fight again. how many deaths will it take?
ah well.
mish- mash of emotions today cuz the passing of the grandfather coincide with the birth of 2 nieces. yes, i became an auntie twice today. nurhidayah and nuraishah. daughters to proud fathers, abang pia and abang nasir, my 2 eldest male cousins. congrats!
the loss of life and the birth of a newborn. in a day. miracle right before your eye.
today the aunts reconciled; cik majen who hadn't talked to cik bedah in months finally held cik bedah's son for the first time. siblings dissolved their enmity; cik wahidah who hasn't talked to her own brother in years except for snide remarks broke down crying at the same time with him when the body was being carried away. today the people whom i call family sat on the floor together eating bread with curry and sipping hot coffee, exchanging stories about the late grandfather.
laughing and smiling. but i wonder how long this will last.
humans are such flawed creations.
he stopped fighting at 3 a.m.
inallilah wa inallilahi rojiun.
inallilah wa inallilahi rojiun.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
the day you are born you start dying
my maternal grandfather was hospitalised tonight. at changi general hospital.
he was a soldier for a bulk of his life and you could tell. he had collapsed at the old folk's home, they had revived him and he was warded in a normal ward cuz it was deemed "no hope" case.
we all came prepared with pessimistic thoughts, ready to let him go.
so it was difficult to watch him fight. it was moving yet sorrowful the way he kept pushing himself up into a seating position as if to show us how strong he still was. to show us he isn't leaving just yet.
many of us went thinking it will be a short night, and tomorrow we'll be done waiting.
but he is such a fighter. and i respect him so much. to want to live that badly. to fight it all. his voice was thick with phlegm and his arms and legs were stick- thin. but he just kept fighting.
in my mind i kept shouting to him, let go atuk, if you're tired it's ok to let go. we understand and we love you and we let you go.
but he couldn't hear it.
a few of us left at 11 p.m. and he was still fighting.
i don't know. part of me was wishing so hard for him to stop fighting cuz it looked so painful. but the other part was hopeful, that maybe he will gain superpowers overnight and bounce back tomorrow.
but the doctors kept reminding us over and over again how hopeless the situation was. but. i don't know.
as i watch him there i just recalled how my dad was. and i am glad he went fast and easy. and in the least painful way possible.
but it's... haiya. don't know la. i can never learn to deal with deaths i guess. you keep thinking you'll get used to it, like if you keep hurting the same wound soon you'll become numbed to it.
but no. you never get used to it. death itself is painful, watching it is. sordid.
the process of death. to watch life fade. to KNOW you are dying and you can't do anything about it but wait.
i can't la. death is not something i will ever be able to cope with. you don't get used to the pain, you don't learn to cope with the pain better. no.
you just nod to yourself and say, ah yes, i've been through this, i survived, and i will survive this one as well.
life is so fleeting. so so fragile. anytime. at all.
what are we? what are we more, than just mere mortals?
my maternal grandfather was hospitalised tonight. at changi general hospital.
he was a soldier for a bulk of his life and you could tell. he had collapsed at the old folk's home, they had revived him and he was warded in a normal ward cuz it was deemed "no hope" case.
we all came prepared with pessimistic thoughts, ready to let him go.
so it was difficult to watch him fight. it was moving yet sorrowful the way he kept pushing himself up into a seating position as if to show us how strong he still was. to show us he isn't leaving just yet.
many of us went thinking it will be a short night, and tomorrow we'll be done waiting.
but he is such a fighter. and i respect him so much. to want to live that badly. to fight it all. his voice was thick with phlegm and his arms and legs were stick- thin. but he just kept fighting.
in my mind i kept shouting to him, let go atuk, if you're tired it's ok to let go. we understand and we love you and we let you go.
but he couldn't hear it.
a few of us left at 11 p.m. and he was still fighting.
i don't know. part of me was wishing so hard for him to stop fighting cuz it looked so painful. but the other part was hopeful, that maybe he will gain superpowers overnight and bounce back tomorrow.
but the doctors kept reminding us over and over again how hopeless the situation was. but. i don't know.
as i watch him there i just recalled how my dad was. and i am glad he went fast and easy. and in the least painful way possible.
but it's... haiya. don't know la. i can never learn to deal with deaths i guess. you keep thinking you'll get used to it, like if you keep hurting the same wound soon you'll become numbed to it.
but no. you never get used to it. death itself is painful, watching it is. sordid.
the process of death. to watch life fade. to KNOW you are dying and you can't do anything about it but wait.
i can't la. death is not something i will ever be able to cope with. you don't get used to the pain, you don't learn to cope with the pain better. no.
you just nod to yourself and say, ah yes, i've been through this, i survived, and i will survive this one as well.
life is so fleeting. so so fragile. anytime. at all.
what are we? what are we more, than just mere mortals?
oh, oh, aiiiiiiiiiiii, cannot reach this nooooo uwooo nooooteeee
beach was wonderful yesterday. pictures with nassar, waiting for him to msn it over. lala.
hot as hell. well not really la. haha. but it was good. tanning made easy! and the water felt much better that way. lovely. laughed so hard. dizzie had this prank call recordings in his phone that are goddamn hilarious. i'll get him to pass it to me and i'll post it up here. whee.
it's been tiring lately. rehearsals. clearing up. boxes boxes boxes.
i still need to shop. no money and no time. sob.
there is a cult following in my neighbourhood. the takraw court in front on my house always has this group of men sitting cross- legged, and, i don't know, talking or something. and there will be one man standing talking and yammering away. and this happens at 9 p.m. onwards only and when it is not lit up. like last night, when the court was lit up, NO! NO CULT FOLLOWING! *narrows eyes* secret underground terrorist action.
i can't sing. not yet. earlier i had morning voice. the raw, come- fuck- me voice. then i ate a huge fat sugary donut. and then i couldn't sing still. cuz then my voice was donutified. nyeh.
i got one more donut, huge, fat and sugary (and only 60 cents! from abakery confectionery!) but they don't let me eat it cuz i got to sing my second song soon and i can't do it with donutified voice.
i want donuts.
beach was wonderful yesterday. pictures with nassar, waiting for him to msn it over. lala.
hot as hell. well not really la. haha. but it was good. tanning made easy! and the water felt much better that way. lovely. laughed so hard. dizzie had this prank call recordings in his phone that are goddamn hilarious. i'll get him to pass it to me and i'll post it up here. whee.
it's been tiring lately. rehearsals. clearing up. boxes boxes boxes.
i still need to shop. no money and no time. sob.
there is a cult following in my neighbourhood. the takraw court in front on my house always has this group of men sitting cross- legged, and, i don't know, talking or something. and there will be one man standing talking and yammering away. and this happens at 9 p.m. onwards only and when it is not lit up. like last night, when the court was lit up, NO! NO CULT FOLLOWING! *narrows eyes* secret underground terrorist action.
i can't sing. not yet. earlier i had morning voice. the raw, come- fuck- me voice. then i ate a huge fat sugary donut. and then i couldn't sing still. cuz then my voice was donutified. nyeh.
i got one more donut, huge, fat and sugary (and only 60 cents! from a
i want donuts.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
exhaustion
rehearsals turned out mighty exhausting. yc would know why. kept warbling the same song over and over again to get it right. that leaves me in high potential to lose my voice however if i do the director will kill me. how do i get myself into these situations again?
tomorrow is beach with diz nas and jas. whee!
i keep fixing cables and wires and whatnots in this house. i should quit school and be a technician la.
i have lots of friday tickets to sell for the musical. it's $15 and it all goes to charity so it's a good cause ya. and just because it's a charity case doesn't mean we're presenting you shit hor. haha.
they want to raise MRT fares. seriously. a fella just died on your tracks. accidents happen due to your poor safety regulations. and you want to increase the fare? despite having a huge- ass profit every end of the year? WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?!
ok don't mind me unlike the rest of you i don't use student pass. nyeh. so i will be affected by this. boo.
i complained to mum that they increase transport costs. then movie tickets. so people stay at home, don't go out. then they increase electricity charges. so people live at home in the dark. or in the streets cuz at least there you have street lamps. then they increase water costs. so people stop bathing. and before you know, it's the STONE AGE.
why? cuz you increase EVERYTHING but our paychecks.
overactive imagination at work.
i am exhausted. long day. school from 11- 6 then dinner at NUH delifrance till 8- ish then went back to my dorm room to take some clothes and then back home. ten- ish. pure unadulterated exhaustion.
mum asked if i am ever going wismangan again. HAR HAR HAR. so funny hor mum. -_-
and finally. HAH! friendster got me wrong. your streak of good luck is OVER my friend.
Today's Forecast
You're still quite focused on your sweetheart, and the feeling is mutual. Have dinner out, and don't be afraid to talk about the future. You won't be the only person at that candlelit table who's been thinking in terms of permanence.
whereeeeee got sweetheart sia. HAH! you think you had me didn't you? think again, sucker!
yes yes i am arguing with friendster i apologize.
oh oh i know the songs i'm singing for musical already but not telling what. haha. cuz if i do it'll spoil the surprise. but it's fun stuff. so COME LA.
ok enough publicity. more tomorrow.
kennanysly yours, fiza.
rehearsals turned out mighty exhausting. yc would know why. kept warbling the same song over and over again to get it right. that leaves me in high potential to lose my voice however if i do the director will kill me. how do i get myself into these situations again?
tomorrow is beach with diz nas and jas. whee!
i keep fixing cables and wires and whatnots in this house. i should quit school and be a technician la.
i have lots of friday tickets to sell for the musical. it's $15 and it all goes to charity so it's a good cause ya. and just because it's a charity case doesn't mean we're presenting you shit hor. haha.
they want to raise MRT fares. seriously. a fella just died on your tracks. accidents happen due to your poor safety regulations. and you want to increase the fare? despite having a huge- ass profit every end of the year? WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?!
ok don't mind me unlike the rest of you i don't use student pass. nyeh. so i will be affected by this. boo.
i complained to mum that they increase transport costs. then movie tickets. so people stay at home, don't go out. then they increase electricity charges. so people live at home in the dark. or in the streets cuz at least there you have street lamps. then they increase water costs. so people stop bathing. and before you know, it's the STONE AGE.
why? cuz you increase EVERYTHING but our paychecks.
overactive imagination at work.
i am exhausted. long day. school from 11- 6 then dinner at NUH delifrance till 8- ish then went back to my dorm room to take some clothes and then back home. ten- ish. pure unadulterated exhaustion.
mum asked if i am ever going wismangan again. HAR HAR HAR. so funny hor mum. -_-
and finally. HAH! friendster got me wrong. your streak of good luck is OVER my friend.
Today's Forecast
You're still quite focused on your sweetheart, and the feeling is mutual. Have dinner out, and don't be afraid to talk about the future. You won't be the only person at that candlelit table who's been thinking in terms of permanence.
whereeeeee got sweetheart sia. HAH! you think you had me didn't you? think again, sucker!
yes yes i am arguing with friendster i apologize.
oh oh i know the songs i'm singing for musical already but not telling what. haha. cuz if i do it'll spoil the surprise. but it's fun stuff. so COME LA.
ok enough publicity. more tomorrow.
kennanysly yours, fiza.
Monday, May 02, 2005
i am in SCHOOL. aghast aghast aghast.
school stinks. stinky winky dinky. booooooooo.
i am a shit- free toilet bowl. whee.
i realize that many things on this blog needs explanation. like jambanism. toilet bowls. shit. lesbonbons. whacked. kennanys. gargantua and all that. jeepers.
shit= men, well usually. shit that happens in my life usually comes in the form of men, and occassionally schoolwork that annoys me. jamban/ toilet bowl= my life. my philosophy is life is like a toilet bowl. it all depends on who's sitting on it. mine's a gargantua. a huge fat bugger who loves to eat and shit and when he shits it pours. shit happens and it doesn't rain it pours is applicable here too.
hmm ok. that's quite a mouthful.
so this is the men- less period of time in my life. haha. its quite, well, er peaceful. *silence* wow.
it's been a shitless period. like, i moved and i left behind all the shit in the old house. :D cool with me.
rehearsals going on as we speak. hmm hmm. i am hungry.
bored. clearly. i want to go tanning. dizzieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
school stinks. stinky winky dinky. booooooooo.
i am a shit- free toilet bowl. whee.
i realize that many things on this blog needs explanation. like jambanism. toilet bowls. shit. lesbonbons. whacked. kennanys. gargantua and all that. jeepers.
shit= men, well usually. shit that happens in my life usually comes in the form of men, and occassionally schoolwork that annoys me. jamban/ toilet bowl= my life. my philosophy is life is like a toilet bowl. it all depends on who's sitting on it. mine's a gargantua. a huge fat bugger who loves to eat and shit and when he shits it pours. shit happens and it doesn't rain it pours is applicable here too.
hmm ok. that's quite a mouthful.
so this is the men- less period of time in my life. haha. its quite, well, er peaceful. *silence* wow.
it's been a shitless period. like, i moved and i left behind all the shit in the old house. :D cool with me.
rehearsals going on as we speak. hmm hmm. i am hungry.
bored. clearly. i want to go tanning. dizzieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Sunday, May 01, 2005
it's been a long time coming
despite the aforementioned brain jam i proceeded with the unpacking. and now i have cleared 3 more boxes. the problem with unpacking boxes is it leaves you with huge, empty boxes with nowhere to go. dilemma.
mao zhedong bag have been hung and stares at the back of my head as i type this. his sequinned face is reassuring. *soothed*
had a zinger burger and while eating i bit on my mouth. which was damn painful la! and it bled. such a carnivore i am.
when clearing i decided that not all things are meant for display or drawer/ cupboard/ shelves residency. cuz they were scraps of paper, colourful birthday cards and many other junk dating back to 15 years ago. so, i decided to put them all in a nice pretty LV hand luggage (fake, don't worry) and chuck it under the bed. *big grin* and i hereby christen it the "sentimental dickhead" bag. c'mon, admit it, we all own one, or at least should own one.
and it felt good. cuz now i don't have to face all that junk every of my waking minutes but whenever i feel nostalgic and need a little sobsob i can just open the bag and WALLA! freeflow of memories.
and it is a HUGE bag. i am a very big sentimental dickhead. oh. yes. i came up with the term some time back when i was doing another one of my random spring cleaning and realized i find it hard to part with junk such as movie tickets, scraps of paper full of scribblings, lollipop wrappers, crap letters, stupid cards, etc. i hereby christened myself a sentimental dickhead. and now i have a sentimental dickhead bag. and 3 sentimental dickhead boxes- one for the belo one, one for hadi and one for imran. and hadi's box annoys the kennanys out of me cuz it is sweet la, the things he did, but some of his (very creative) cards used organic and biodegradable materials such as soy beans, ixora petals and macaroni (DON'T ASK) and these things rot and become dusty, sandy shit that really messes up your room, nose and life. see. annoying. kennanyly annoying.
ah there an interesting snippet on sentimental dickheadism. my my i'm full of it.
yc asked me out for hard rock tonight. tsk. he's the 3rd to ask. what is up there? is someone getting naked and dirty there tonight? is there porn live? what what what? why? tsk. maybe it's just labour day and that's a public holiday and therefore people want to go out and many of this 'people' are going hard rock so other 'people' want to go there too cuz it's THE place to be seen at tonight? uh no. that still didn't make sense. ok never mind. all you hard rockers, have fun and tell me what happens k. if anything at all.
ooh i just looked behind my shoulders to check. yes mao is still there watching me. sigh. i feel at home already.
i've had a very dull weekend. that might explain the dull blog entries. :( and tomorrow onwards, i have musical rehearsals. daily. starting at 10 ending at 6. i will cease to have a social life. sob.
oh yes anyone wanna come for the musical? it's by the University Scholars Programme of NUS and it's called The Rise and Fall of Little Voice. basically a coming- out story of small- voiced girl (aptly named Little Voice, hence the title) who discovers her wonderful melodious voice in the midst of a crazy, drunk of a mum, her mum's lover, her mum's neurotic- ish best friend and a sweet cute boy who kinda has a thang for her. it's good laugh and nice on the ears, we got good singers in this. trust me la i am in the musical what. i've heard them sing ok, they're good. :) anyway it's staged at ACS (Barker) on the 13th- 14th May @ 7.30 p.m. i still have tickets for the friday show, am running low for the saturday one. but if you want it, i'll get it for you with no extra charges. HUARGH HUARGH HUARGH.
ok cheap publicity, i apologize.
nah, mao zedong for YOU!
hope that didn't traumatise anyone. it is my absolute favouritest bag in the world. it's huge and holds almost all my junk. i say almost cuz "my junk" is a relative term and has potential to grow at any minute and is in fact, growing as we speak.
my ayah.
Whenever i'm weary
From the battles that raged in my head
You made sense of madness
When my sanity hangs by a thread
Richard Marx; Now and Forever.
not- so- apt- song but totally- apt- lyrics. each time i feel like giving up, i think of you and i know i can push on.
i'm a one- man woman. that one man being my ayah. so all you other male species gotta lay off for abit cuz i don't think there's anymore space. heh heh heh.
am listening to my richard marx collection. lalala. he's a classic la. and according to hana (not me!) he is still hot for a man his age. i still say richard gere. rah rah rah goooooooooo richard gere! :D and darn it i missed runaway bride cuz tv is not up yet in this house. yes it is of little priority. but i like richard gere + julia roberts movie.
this is a very random entry but when is it not, right?
oh a friend called screaming and hyperventilating from the middle of nowhere (for her sake i hope it was nowhere cuz i'm sure she'd have attracted lots of attention the way she was shrieking and the content of her garbled screeching).
girl: FIZAAAAAAA HELP MEEEEEEE
fiza: umm ok i'll try what are you giving birth? you want me to say push? breathe? what?
girl: NONONONO IT'S NOT FUNNY I AM HAVING A... (dramatic drumrolls as girl in question takes deep breathe) CRUSH!
fiza: (sorely disappointed, dying to say what the fuck and resisting it with all her willpower) OKAAAAY. so?
girl: i can't have a crush ezad will kill me! (in case you haven't guessed, ezad's the beefishes.)
fiza: no he won't. and besides, you don't have to tell him.
girl: but he would knowwwwwwwwwww. he has 6th sense!
fiza: (like seriously, at this point? WHAT THE FUCK LA.) no he doesn't. can you please calm down and THINK. it's just a crush.
girl: godddddd the guy is so damn cute laaaa. why must he be cute? why is he in my life? why am i having a crush?
fiza: woman. that's alot of questions. first 2, well, this is fate and remember, God has a sense of humour. the last one is abit duh la. he's cute, so you have a crush la! then what you want to have? an orgasm? a kid to go with it? upsize? (as you can see, she called the wrong person.)
girl: what laaaa. ezad will kill me.
fiza: (rolls eyes) hoiiiiii. he won't. what kind of boyfriend kills a girlfriend for having a crush? for god's sake it's perfectly normal to have a crush. if all my boyfriends killed me for having a crush in the past i would be a Buddhist for having this much afterlifes. and if you're so worried, then don't tell. it'll probably blow over. and NO he won't guess it out of you unless you start acting weird and then i can't help you cuz being weird is something i espouse and not try to stop. (catches breath) ok?
girl: but you wrote in your blog that can only have crushes on people who live far away. wait they like me back i have relationship problems and blablabla...
fiza: GIRL. CHILL. that's ME. only *i* cannot have crushes on Singaporeans. you can. everyone else can. no one else need to
worry about eventually having stranger- crush becoming boy- you- know-and- dump- later except me, ok? cuz i'm fiza. you're not fza. so you're free from this. you're fine. you're safe. ok? have all the crushes you want. you'll be fine.
girl: oh wow ok that's a relief. must be annoying being you isn't it? tough to not like a cutie just cuz he is singaporean.
fiza: aaaaaaaaaaah yes ok i think phone conversation ends now. stop hyperventilating and have a good sunday k? bye!
end of conversation. lalala. not exactly aunt aggie material but hey she calmed down and i have not received calls regarding the death of anyone in the hands of ezad so i assume all is well in the garden of eden.
i hate that garden.
HUARGH HUARGH HUARGH. *gargantua vomits in fiza's jamban*
oiiiiiii.
despite the aforementioned brain jam i proceeded with the unpacking. and now i have cleared 3 more boxes. the problem with unpacking boxes is it leaves you with huge, empty boxes with nowhere to go. dilemma.
mao zhedong bag have been hung and stares at the back of my head as i type this. his sequinned face is reassuring. *soothed*
had a zinger burger and while eating i bit on my mouth. which was damn painful la! and it bled. such a carnivore i am.
when clearing i decided that not all things are meant for display or drawer/ cupboard/ shelves residency. cuz they were scraps of paper, colourful birthday cards and many other junk dating back to 15 years ago. so, i decided to put them all in a nice pretty LV hand luggage (fake, don't worry) and chuck it under the bed. *big grin* and i hereby christen it the "sentimental dickhead" bag. c'mon, admit it, we all own one, or at least should own one.
and it felt good. cuz now i don't have to face all that junk every of my waking minutes but whenever i feel nostalgic and need a little sobsob i can just open the bag and WALLA! freeflow of memories.
and it is a HUGE bag. i am a very big sentimental dickhead. oh. yes. i came up with the term some time back when i was doing another one of my random spring cleaning and realized i find it hard to part with junk such as movie tickets, scraps of paper full of scribblings, lollipop wrappers, crap letters, stupid cards, etc. i hereby christened myself a sentimental dickhead. and now i have a sentimental dickhead bag. and 3 sentimental dickhead boxes- one for the belo one, one for hadi and one for imran. and hadi's box annoys the kennanys out of me cuz it is sweet la, the things he did, but some of his (very creative) cards used organic and biodegradable materials such as soy beans, ixora petals and macaroni (DON'T ASK) and these things rot and become dusty, sandy shit that really messes up your room, nose and life. see. annoying. kennanyly annoying.
ah there an interesting snippet on sentimental dickheadism. my my i'm full of it.
yc asked me out for hard rock tonight. tsk. he's the 3rd to ask. what is up there? is someone getting naked and dirty there tonight? is there porn live? what what what? why? tsk. maybe it's just labour day and that's a public holiday and therefore people want to go out and many of this 'people' are going hard rock so other 'people' want to go there too cuz it's THE place to be seen at tonight? uh no. that still didn't make sense. ok never mind. all you hard rockers, have fun and tell me what happens k. if anything at all.
ooh i just looked behind my shoulders to check. yes mao is still there watching me. sigh. i feel at home already.
i've had a very dull weekend. that might explain the dull blog entries. :( and tomorrow onwards, i have musical rehearsals. daily. starting at 10 ending at 6. i will cease to have a social life. sob.
oh yes anyone wanna come for the musical? it's by the University Scholars Programme of NUS and it's called The Rise and Fall of Little Voice. basically a coming- out story of small- voiced girl (aptly named Little Voice, hence the title) who discovers her wonderful melodious voice in the midst of a crazy, drunk of a mum, her mum's lover, her mum's neurotic- ish best friend and a sweet cute boy who kinda has a thang for her. it's good laugh and nice on the ears, we got good singers in this. trust me la i am in the musical what. i've heard them sing ok, they're good. :) anyway it's staged at ACS (Barker) on the 13th- 14th May @ 7.30 p.m. i still have tickets for the friday show, am running low for the saturday one. but if you want it, i'll get it for you with no extra charges. HUARGH HUARGH HUARGH.
ok cheap publicity, i apologize.
nah, mao zedong for YOU!
hope that didn't traumatise anyone. it is my absolute favouritest bag in the world. it's huge and holds almost all my junk. i say almost cuz "my junk" is a relative term and has potential to grow at any minute and is in fact, growing as we speak.
my ayah.
Whenever i'm weary
From the battles that raged in my head
You made sense of madness
When my sanity hangs by a thread
Richard Marx; Now and Forever.
not- so- apt- song but totally- apt- lyrics. each time i feel like giving up, i think of you and i know i can push on.
i'm a one- man woman. that one man being my ayah. so all you other male species gotta lay off for abit cuz i don't think there's anymore space. heh heh heh.
am listening to my richard marx collection. lalala. he's a classic la. and according to hana (not me!) he is still hot for a man his age. i still say richard gere. rah rah rah goooooooooo richard gere! :D and darn it i missed runaway bride cuz tv is not up yet in this house. yes it is of little priority. but i like richard gere + julia roberts movie.
this is a very random entry but when is it not, right?
oh a friend called screaming and hyperventilating from the middle of nowhere (for her sake i hope it was nowhere cuz i'm sure she'd have attracted lots of attention the way she was shrieking and the content of her garbled screeching).
girl: FIZAAAAAAA HELP MEEEEEEE
fiza: umm ok i'll try what are you giving birth? you want me to say push? breathe? what?
girl: NONONONO IT'S NOT FUNNY I AM HAVING A... (dramatic drumrolls as girl in question takes deep breathe) CRUSH!
fiza: (sorely disappointed, dying to say what the fuck and resisting it with all her willpower) OKAAAAY. so?
girl: i can't have a crush ezad will kill me! (in case you haven't guessed, ezad's the beefishes.)
fiza: no he won't. and besides, you don't have to tell him.
girl: but he would knowwwwwwwwwww. he has 6th sense!
fiza: (like seriously, at this point? WHAT THE FUCK LA.) no he doesn't. can you please calm down and THINK. it's just a crush.
girl: godddddd the guy is so damn cute laaaa. why must he be cute? why is he in my life? why am i having a crush?
fiza: woman. that's alot of questions. first 2, well, this is fate and remember, God has a sense of humour. the last one is abit duh la. he's cute, so you have a crush la! then what you want to have? an orgasm? a kid to go with it? upsize? (as you can see, she called the wrong person.)
girl: what laaaa. ezad will kill me.
fiza: (rolls eyes) hoiiiiii. he won't. what kind of boyfriend kills a girlfriend for having a crush? for god's sake it's perfectly normal to have a crush. if all my boyfriends killed me for having a crush in the past i would be a Buddhist for having this much afterlifes. and if you're so worried, then don't tell. it'll probably blow over. and NO he won't guess it out of you unless you start acting weird and then i can't help you cuz being weird is something i espouse and not try to stop. (catches breath) ok?
girl: but you wrote in your blog that can only have crushes on people who live far away. wait they like me back i have relationship problems and blablabla...
fiza: GIRL. CHILL. that's ME. only *i* cannot have crushes on Singaporeans. you can. everyone else can. no one else need to
worry about eventually having stranger- crush becoming boy- you- know-and- dump- later except me, ok? cuz i'm fiza. you're not fza. so you're free from this. you're fine. you're safe. ok? have all the crushes you want. you'll be fine.
girl: oh wow ok that's a relief. must be annoying being you isn't it? tough to not like a cutie just cuz he is singaporean.
fiza: aaaaaaaaaaah yes ok i think phone conversation ends now. stop hyperventilating and have a good sunday k? bye!
end of conversation. lalala. not exactly aunt aggie material but hey she calmed down and i have not received calls regarding the death of anyone in the hands of ezad so i assume all is well in the garden of eden.
i hate that garden.
HUARGH HUARGH HUARGH. *gargantua vomits in fiza's jamban*
oiiiiiii.
Laborious Day
ironic that it is labour day and in this house, we are anything but taking a break from labour. har dee har har.
i have cleared about 4 boxes, and can't clear anymore stuff. cuz i'm getting a brain jam. too many stuff, too little space. i need a warehouse.
i have very muscular arms today. haha. like for real. i was reading the papers and i lifted them up and i looked at my arms and WHOA i can SEE my muscles. it used to be i can FEEL them there but now you can see. two little cute eggs sitting pretty on the arm. will probably be gone by next month but hey for now i am THE MUSCLE BITCH! muahaha.
it is raining.
my room is blue- ish, not purplish. hmm. and the belo one hasn't replied to any of my messages la dei!
i ate breakfast at al- ameen woodlands. it was like a rite of passage of sorts. *solemn look* now i am true woodlander.
anyhows. i am hungry. but it is raining. i can't go out. unless i wear my bike helmet and walk all the way to admiralty mrt station in the rain. which would actually be quite funny and i don't mind being funny but right now the thought of putting on proper clothes and a bra instead of this kiddy pink nightgown i'm wearing feels like a herculean job.
so oops! sorry. no go. i shall stay in my nice comfy room and listen to the rain.
ironic that it is labour day and in this house, we are anything but taking a break from labour. har dee har har.
i have cleared about 4 boxes, and can't clear anymore stuff. cuz i'm getting a brain jam. too many stuff, too little space. i need a warehouse.
i have very muscular arms today. haha. like for real. i was reading the papers and i lifted them up and i looked at my arms and WHOA i can SEE my muscles. it used to be i can FEEL them there but now you can see. two little cute eggs sitting pretty on the arm. will probably be gone by next month but hey for now i am THE MUSCLE BITCH! muahaha.
it is raining.
my room is blue- ish, not purplish. hmm. and the belo one hasn't replied to any of my messages la dei!
i ate breakfast at al- ameen woodlands. it was like a rite of passage of sorts. *solemn look* now i am true woodlander.
anyhows. i am hungry. but it is raining. i can't go out. unless i wear my bike helmet and walk all the way to admiralty mrt station in the rain. which would actually be quite funny and i don't mind being funny but right now the thought of putting on proper clothes and a bra instead of this kiddy pink nightgown i'm wearing feels like a herculean job.
so oops! sorry. no go. i shall stay in my nice comfy room and listen to the rain.