being obscure clearly.

Monday, February 28, 2005

i am in love with this song. damien rice's voice is so... haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaai. *melts*

Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

capital of scotland is ireland

that was me, by the way.

apparently i am really bad at the "what's the capital of this yadayada country?" game. ah well. life goes on.

hakim is THE WORST decision- maker in the world. yes i know i said i won't blog this and i know you said i will anyway and i will write that i didn't want to cuz you guessed i would well ya you guessed right. HAPPY? *mutters under breath*

he will get this disturbed look, goes all glassy- eyed like a boy on ketamine, scrunch up his eyebrows and have this generally screwed- tight face. that's when i know he is changing his mind for the umpteenth time and i will usually just plop on the nearest seat or throw my hands in the air or both. the reason why i can describe the look so vividly is because i see it more than 5 times a day.

JUST IN! hot off the press! boyfriend= beefishes. girlfriend= gibberish. update your jambaneology/ toilet bowl vocabulary please. thank you.

back to sunday outing. oh i watched closer. hakim was falling asleep at first. i highly suspect this is due to the lack of abs displayed. BOYS.

but it was a good film. cuz i am biased. cuz i like jules robert and jude law and natalie portman. cuz i like honesty too. cuz i like how they show how screwed up relationships can be. cuz i love speeding time frames. it's like seeing the future. but not your own. cuz i like the ending. :)

though jude law... erm. cannot tell la wait spoil it for you. but if you watch alfie and closer you'll see a similarity. and my conclusion to that similarity is; jude law is waiting for me. :D

bought food that we ate at fort canning park. mosquitos decided to join us in our feast. ARGH i HATE mosquitos they are DAMN annoying and i ended up wearing hakim's aikido pants under my skirt. i looked like a clown but thank god there was no one around.

mosquitos have 26 teeth. got it right this time. and it's not lions, it's PIGS that has the longest orgasm. tsk.

and fiza's contribution to this intelligent discussion on animal behaviour includes:

hakim: pig's have the longest orgasm. guess how long.
fiza: (a lil' too quickly hence the blatant display of lack of forethought) EIGHT DAYS!
hakim: *sputters* (here he proceeds to make fun of this incredible display of lack of intelligence that i didn't bother to remember cuz he was annoying but what's new.) NO.
me: oh ok. 2 hours.
hakim: *sputters* (repeat previous cycle of annoying fiza by imitating how tired a pig will be if it has a 2 hour orgasm.) NO LA. it's...

sorry people i forgot. again. haiya. maybe it was 10 minutes. is that considered long to start with? beats me.

me: elephants?
hakim: ummm.
me: elephants pee like a hose. like seriously. like you switched on a tap and this jet of water comes pouring out. that's elephant pee.

ok yes. fiza animal knowledge is really, um, well, mediocre. to put it nicely. :D

i had fun. fort canning park always means fun. i like that place. gives me good vibes. it says fizaaaaa... come hereeee... and i will make you happyyyyy....

k actually that sounds scary now. but ah well. maybe it's the spirit of the keramat beckoning me. ok i shall shut up before i freak out more.

as annoying as he is, hakim is turning out to be good company of late. and if you read this, please don't be so STUBBORN and ACT HERO and go get fixed. like i said, your whole body is falling apart and you need a major overhaul. wait go straight to scrap metal factory then you know.

next week is my final lap to the finishing line. i've wasted too much time. i have got to buck up. i will be super busy. i will TRY to be at least.

my life for 28th Feb- 6th Mar will be declared NO MAN'S LAND. except for certain people la of course. :D

ok i am happy. very very very. want to know? ask me la. but i didn't say i will tell, for sure.

oh the mysteries of life, does it not fascinate you so?

Sunday, February 27, 2005

the more i think about it, the more it makes sense.

he who makes me smile, laugh, grin, beam, float, glow, skip my way home and gaze at nothingness then burst out laughing remembering some stupid thing we shared.

he who don't know what he wants. he who is too young for me. he who is erm. shh. haha.

i am becoming the corny, stereotypical girl falling in like.

i like to laugh. with and at you. i like to talk to you. i like being with you. i look forward to things. i anticipate. i get excited. i feel like a bright- eyed scout lately. all eager and chirpy and annoying.

i couldn't wait for a day to end so that tomorrow comes and there will be a possibility for me to see you again.

i have also been introduced to the very foreign concept of missing someone. heh heh heh.

mum and me have planned. after my stint in NUS, i want to pursue my studies overseas. i just want to have a change of air. she wants to come along. so it's most likely NYU or UCLA. maybe University of Liverpool. but the States is the most likely candidate. we can't wait to go. haha. me and my mum are still silly, google- eyed girls at heart.

however, she had an abagabajaba wish: for me to get married before going overseas. her words:

after you graduate, or probably even in your third or fourth year, confirm you'll get attached what... then if he is working already, then you two just get married la. then we all go new york together... or else you wait for him to work and save up first, then while waiting you also work... then we go new york we have some financial stability. but i really want you to be married before going overseas. once you're overseas and studying already, i will have to wait for another decade laaa... before i see you married.

wah. terus tension. migraine la talk like this. haha. all i wanted was NYU and felicity and serendipity and central park and empire state building. she wants hubby and babies and a daughter studying away while all this goes on.

haha. gone.

something about the previous entry doesn't qualify it to be a VALID entry according to SOME people. maneeeee update maneeeee. beli padi jangan beli tayar la.

ok lor. now i'm lesbian.

don't hate me cuz i'm the gorgeous jamban girl who is full of shit.

gorgeous jamban. seriously. how BABELICIOUS can a jamban get?

if i had it my way i'll start my own magazine. like FHM- but jambans, instead of girls. HOTSTUFF I TELL YOU.

i am wearing my topshop boxer, that says "girl boxer" on its waistband. then over it i am wearing "joe boxer" which has a motif of eagles with the nazi sign. i don't know la.

what was the point of saying that? i don't know. i rarely have a point. and when i do, people tell me the point is going nowhere. i wonder, where can a point GO? just let the point stay here la. poor point, having to travel here and there just because society says it has to go SOMEWHERE. where, i beg of you, where? don't worry my points. you're not going anywhere.

my point stays here with me. *flails arms around* here in the atmosphere i breathe. my point stays here and they tap- dance all day long. happy points, i have.

see. an entirely pointless entry. is this a valid update then? god knows. is there a point? i don't know. i'm a bit confused by all this points talk.

again, my point looks at me sadly, wondering why it had to be produced by such a retard. my point is blown away and cries out loud from the distant, save me! take me! i am your point! you lost your point! but i just type on.

no point.

ade orang merajuk eh.... hehehehehehehe.

lalala. luckily no one was at home to watch me laugh to myself, get embarassed, cover my face with a pillow, look up, laugh some more and cover up again. all within the span of 10 minutes. i've become psychotic.

:) happy laaaaaaa. very happy. it's been a good day. i watched someone like you on 5 just now and when they kissed in the oh- so- typical happy ending, i didn't feel like puking.

there can be miracles, when you believe.

so, just believe.

by the way, this is my future beefishes. (those in the know, knows. those who don't, UPDATE your jamban/ toilet bowl vocab. beefishes= boyfriend. bf- bfish- beefishes. also a lethal combination of beef and fishes. look at an entry few days back.)

handsome right? i know. that's why my one. haha.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

wow. i just got back. and i gotta meet hana in like, um, 1 1/2 hours. oh the life of the toilet bowl.

faizal came over... did some internet stuff. ate the ikan bakar. which was DAMN GOOD SHIT. man. wismangan rocks. so does wismangan boy. terima kasih cik tat! i love you! sama- sama! ema! ok ignore that.

we watched a wee bit of DAYS OF OUR LIVES which he WATCHES on a DAILY basis and he attempted to explain to me the characters and the drama but it was, right from the start, pointless.

decided that we were still hungry so we went out, like we used to, to the petrol station. bought lor mai kai which HE taught me how to eat some time ago. and now i'm the one who craves it. :) also got chocolates, milk and the omniscient PAO. haha.

sat at the takraw court and talked. about everything and anything. fed a cat a pao. but the cat decided that she just wanted to lepak with us and have a whiff of fai's cigs. i think she walked off a lil' high on nicotine.

talked about dream boys and dream girls and how we never end up with what we want and rather, much the opposite. talked about what we want in a relationship. talked about our past relationship. talked about the traumatic experience we shared that shook our friendship. talked about stupid funny movies of yesteryear. talked about richard gere and john travolta. complained bout his ex. haha. reoccuring topic, this one. talked about gila- gila pengantin remaja. talked about hindi movies and reminisce how we used to watch them together. :)

as we talked, it occured to me. my best friend is back. :) no doubt he changed. he drinks and clubs now, but with me, to me, he is the old faizal again. and i am glad he's back. it was getting a wee bit quiet around here.

we're once again comfortable with each other, laughing, complaining, whining, bullying. like the way best friends should be.

we talked on and on till i realized there was an absurd amount of buses on the roads. so i said out loud, why so many buses one?

time check: 5.35 a.m. hahaha. no wonder!

with lighter hearts, we walked back, him not walking me back as usual and me teasing him for being a chicken, as always.

glad to know some things don't change. welcome back.

......................you've been missed.

Friday, February 25, 2005

comfortable silences

i'm falling into a comfortable rhythm. now that the mad spiel of downward spiral has faded, i was afraid to look at the remnants, worried that what i see might be gray ashes, a sorry state of remains of what we shared.

i peeped between the gaps of my fingers and took a tentative step towards the remains and i saw that the wind had blown away but you were still there.

the dust and drama that came with the gust was gone.

but you were still there.

i thought it was just another short- lived breeze. comes rushing in at full speed, gathering everything in it's arms and leaving just as quickly as it came.

but you remained.

maybe. this time. just maybe. this time, things are different. maybe.

setiap ku melihatmu ku terasa dihati
kau punya segalanya yang aku impikan

kenanganku tak henti sajak tentang bayangmu
walau ku tahu kau tak pernah anggap ku ada

ku tak bisa menggapaimu takkan pernah bisa
walau sudah letih aku, tak mungkin lepas lagi
kau hanya mimpi bagiku tak untuk jadi nyata
dan segala rasa buatmu harus padam dan berakhir

kan selalu
kurasa
hadirmu
antara ada dan tiada

utopia; antara ada dan tiada

sad sad song. azza sent to me. :) yeah, the girl who liked kim. we're friends now. just another day in the jamban world.

song is basically about loving someone who doesn't know you exist, or at least, doesn't care. the chorus basically says that i will never reach, i never could, though i'm tired of reaching out to you, i will not let go just yet, you're just a dream to me, you were not meant to become reality, and all these feelings for you, has to fade, and end. aaaaaaaw now everyone.

today cows came a- pouring. jamban was having a field day. shit hit the fan and flew in 200 different directions, smacking against ventilators and stopping any possible outlet. the toilet bowl is jam- packed and it's not going anywhere anytime soon.

perseverance.

february is ending soon. funny how i only realize time is running out, when the time has run out.

i miss him. a wee bit.

i need to get back to my books. i am throwing away my future. shredding it with my own hands and watching it flutter away, caught by the breeze.

i lost my self- discipline. lost my drive to succeed. lost sight of the big picture. forgot my dreams. forgot my motivations. forgot the effort i had to put in to get here. forgot the end result i want. forgot my priorities.

i need a heady, passionate partner to come with me and crash head- first into life.

i also need a grounded, rational person to tie me down to earth and remind me of the essentials.

i need tea to go with my ritz crackers. sorry jacob, you've been replaced.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

it should be like, ILLEGAL or PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for someone to be TWENTY (or going on twenty) to have a TOOTHACHE. the very word itself implies youthful exuberance and dental clinics with rabbit pictures and dentists teaching you how to brush your teeth properly with a fake gum+teeth set and a colourful toothbrush.

not eating ritz cheese biscuits then suddenly clutching your right jaw and cussing like a drunken sailor.

*looks at time*

hmm.

i just realized. that i dread sleep. i dread sleeping cuz there's this fear. i might not wake up tomorrow.

a bigger dread of mine is to go to sleep looking forward to a tomorrow. if i know something good is going to happen, i am even more torn apart between sleeping sooner- so that tomorrow comes faster; or not sleeping at all in fear i might not wake up and taste my happy tomorrow.

and i also realize that in a sick twisted not- funny dark humour kinda way, god can take away my loved ones. tomorrow. so at least for tonight, i know they are here.

the insomniac spakes.

apparently, if you search on yahoo! "the tonsils", "i am a megalomaniac", "burger mat dendeng" and "competitive near KLCC", this blog appears as part of their wondrous search results.

fascinating. i don't even know what is competitive near KLCC but hey, apparently, i've been there. or er. somewhere. somehow. :)

did some quiz at blogthings but i put it up for like, ten seconds. and got bored.

whacked day. met hana. then met hakim by some strange circumstances. yes you two laugh laugh. i lost my underwear at one point but i found it.

went for double tuition. gone. tired like a pregnant cow. i assume a pregnant cow will be very tired. can't be sure. but it's always a possibility.

went to sembawang to eat. met hana's mum. in the end met hana again. and eat. again. this lesbian thing is going wayyyy overboard.

came back. i am high.

today my student pointed out to me that when i doodle on my notebook, i laugh to myself. -_-

gone la. sure psycho.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

as predicted. false alarm. nyeh.

i don't know what i want.

i don't like confrontations.

but hey shoot me in the mouth if i lie and say it's not messing me up now.

i think about it alot more than i usually give thought to things of such.

i get sick of talking about you. especially since i'm talking to anyone else but you.

but if i don't talk about it, you don't talk about it, who's going to figure it out?

as it is. nothing is figured out. is there anything to figure out? there's no knowing with you.

at the moment. life is too busy and messy to fit in a new entity. but just because of that, should i avoid the reality of the situation and continue being in denial that the dynamics of what we share have changed?

talk to me. tell me things. don't just do things. pictures. with captions. please. enough "open to anyone's interpretation" shots. i need some opinion.

if you run away, that's an opinion too. at least i know the story. for now i'm flipping the pages blindfolded.

this little fickle heart of mine

did not go to the museum after all. supposed to meet them at 10 i slept at 7. pffffft.

kim msged at 9. NINE. A.M. grrr.

went back to sleep and woke up again at 12. stoned. msn- ed. read.

5 p.m. me in topshop trying on skirts and tops. 5.10 p.m. me at far east meeting shortstuff.

6.30 p.m. paying for my skirt at topshop.

8.15 p.m. buying tickets for constantine.

8.30 p.m. eating at wismangan. waduh handsome bangetttttttt. and got free lopis. :D:D:D i think i sense a crush. he is too sweet to ignore.

9.30 p.m. in theatres. mats giggling somewhere within the theatre. fiza, "there's mats giggling in this theatre. i don't like."

11.15 p.m. lights up. giggling mats directly on my left.

12 midnight. bus ride back.

then msn- ing. till now.

cranky mood. though i saw KHAIRIN yang handsome selalu and wismangan boy whom i still don't know the name of.

i think he pushed my blah button. possibly. time to stray.

i am so fickle. i thought this time he had me good. i always prove myself wrong.

if i can't stay on in THIS situation, what more a different one?

will someone please throw away my blah button. it's annoying. but oh well.

maybe it's just today. we'll see. or maybe it was just LUST. PING! hahaha. ok whatever.

need sleep. nyeh.

i hope it's just today. maybe tomorrow i'll wake up like today. beaming with you.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

everyday i wake up looking forward to one thing. i go on with my life but at the back of my head i always know i'm just waiting for you.

anything will do. just to be there again. i always thought it would make me feel this way and yes, it does. it makes me feel the way i thought it would and even more.

had a long. long. long. chat with hana. haha. at one point i told her, if she was a guy i'd date her. why? cuz she understands my needs. she knows what i want in a guy. in a relationship. she knows i want alot of toilet bowls at my wedding. and toilet paper streamers. :D and she won't judge when i tell her that i get bored easily and that when once i think the boy is no longer a catch, that i don't have to fight to keep him, like he becomes MINE and MINE alone, and i know he's not going anywhere, then i dont't feel the need to keep him, cuz he's staying anyway. hence, boredom.

*first we ponder the issue.

(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: but sooner or later, you've got to take a chance on one
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: then
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: you have to BEND.
Me: *cringes*
Me: bend?
Me: sounds. painful. what's bend?
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: change lah
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: make the relationship work for a change

*then we try to figure out the root of the problem.

(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: but something must have just went blah, then you start getting bored.
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: i'm not talking about the loving and romantic part...
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: you're fully capable..
Me: then what seh.
Me: until i find out what makes me go BLAH
Me: i cannot go into a rship
Me: or else
Me: it will just be a cycle
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: yup
Me: hmm. ape seh.
Me: loyalty?
Me: loyalty makes me go blah
Me: mampus
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: loyalty how?
Me: as in
Me: the minute he becomes
Me: super loyal?
Me: err ya
Me: hahaha
Me: eh cannot la like this

*EUREKA!

Me: yeah. then at some point i grow real cocky n confident or he does something
Me: and i realize
Me: hey
Me: he isn't EVER letting go
Me: THAT makes me go blah
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: yeah.. guess we found it
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: hahahaha
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: your blah button
Me: hehehe YAY
Me: kk
Me: now we SOLVE
Me: *rubs palms*

*now we attempt solution.

Me: i like that
Me: cuz i wouldn't
Me: plead EVER
Me: if someone likes my guy
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: yah.
Me: i go nak amik. (i go you want, you take.)
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: but that's where the problem lies..
Me: which is bad i know. but heh.
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: your exes always plead for you to stay.
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: the more they plead, the less you want to stay
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: i think you'd rather have something to fight for
Me: UHUH
Me: male instict
Me: though i'm female
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: then to have something you won by default

*we conclude.

(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: you need to find a guy who truly understands you.
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: but what i think is, you're scared that he'll just turn out like the rest of them.
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: and then you run, and the pain comes. and everybody takes HIS side.

*fiza drops random snippets of her stupidity when it come to matters of the <3

(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: i don't really know how, but you have to make it clear that he ALSO has a say in the relationship
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: hahaha
Me: he should know what
Me: of course he has a say in the relationship
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: hahaha
Me: if not him then who?
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: see? cannot assume
Me: huh?!
Me: got people think they got no say one meh

*hana dishes the low- down. she knows me too well. :(

(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: but even then, you want to break up because
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: he was clingy
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: because it got boring being centre of everything in his world
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: because there was nothing for you to fight for..
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: it was always him fighting for it..
(hana) Yada yada yada... voyuer... nyehhhh....: but it got too boring cos you knew he was going to keep fighting even if it killed him

so basically right, i need a jerk to make sure i don't stray. to ensure i stay put. i am TWISTED. *twister! fries! tornado!*

there is no particular references to one sole boy cuz we were discussing my lovelife in general. weekly, i have to discuss it with hana or else my foggy shitview will clog up everything and everything is one big brown blur and it's too late to sort things out cuz there's too much shit on everything. :D

i'm such a MALE. i want a CATCH. a BIG FISH. i don't want something i can have. and if that doesnt' SCREAM HUGE EGO in blinking NEON lights ala las vegas, i don't know what does.

if it's possible to measure ego and hold a competition, i might possibly be the female or even the PERSON with the biggest ego in the history of mankind.

i deserve a medal, oui?

first, i was worried that i will forget my wedding day and go on a vacation just the day before. then hana said she'll remind me. then i said what if i go into denial and panic and decide that i don't want to get married. she says she'll make my future husband convince me again. then now hana is coming up with ways to stop me from running away on my wedding day. ya. i got high "runaway bride" potential. she says she won't allow chuckies or any sneakers/ sports shoes. then i say i was planning to go barefoot anyway. now she threatens to lock a toilet bowl to my ankle. gone.

Monday, February 21, 2005

oh, don't leave home

spent almost 20 bucks at 7- 11. haha. i was too stoned to realize it but now i'm like. whoaaaa. haha. but yeah. it's the mid- term break and i'm staying in pgp. so i need to stock up. right.

went for first musical rehearsal. ok lor. learnt the song. there was 3 of us there and though all 3 sang, they all could only hear my voice. haha. i am DAMNLOUDCAN.

after that was KFC with hana. BANDITTO POCKET WO AI NI HEN DUO DUO! *smothers banditto* if i could marry a banditto pocket i would but unfortunately it's just chicken (dead one, too) wrapped in chapati. damn sad la.

then go tuition. at HOUGANG. this place scares me and makes me laugh to myself too cuz each time i'm on the bus i fall asleep and i will wake up just as the bus passes by the Institute of Mental Health. i don't know what to make of that. but it makes me laugh and it also scares me. is it a sign? *bites lips*

hana and me have come up with the jamban (toilet bowl) corporation pte ltd- since 1985. only for the believers of fiza's much- loved theory that;

life is like a toilet bowl. it all depends on who's sitting on yours. for e.g., i believe a gargantua sits on mine. he eats alot and shits often. and sometimes he just LET IT RIP and it pours around here. AND all this leads to the phenomenal cliche; SHIT HAPPENS.

plus, i believe my jamban has enough shit to go around that i've decided to share it with people who ain't got enough. am thinking of giving it away by the packets; you know, the way they give away bubur masjid (porridge made by the mosque) in the fasting month. :D if you're scared of jamban people, you are jambanphobic and suffer from jambanophobia. if you love us, you have embraced jambaniology and have been granted admission into JAMBAN UNIVERSITY.

enough shit talk. WAHAHAHA SEE THE NUMBER OF PUNS YOU CAN COME UP WITH? sorry. i foresee severe lameness on this blog hereafter.

anyhoos. (or anyPOOs. ok i'll stop.) after tuition i went crazy at clementi's 7- 11 cuz i was still suffering from gastric pain. nahiak annoying can.

it started at 5 a.m. this morning when i was about to fall asleep. then the pain reaches it's peak, something like the point whereby you're THIS close to orgasm, but unfortunately i wasn't in the throes of passion but rather my stomach was having the battle of the gastric juices, so the pain reaches all the way up your BACK from your stomach and then i forced myself asleep. yes so sad no orgasm. ANYWAY.

it just ended as of 10.45 p.m. just now cuz i ate a pizza bar. ya la. cranky stomach. i ate banditto at 4 also still not happy. still pain. i hate gastric pains. they don't stop when you give them the "cure". you know you take panadol the headache goes away? ya. you get gastric you eat like a humping lion also the pain won't go away. terbabo. gone la. it only stops when it wants to. gastric pains are a bunch of SPOILT BRATS.

took the shuttle back to pgp cuz i would die if i walked. then smack at the entrance to my dorm, there was a bunch of japanese boys. i kid you not. like 100+ of them milling about. in my stoned state, all i could think of was, "die. kena invaded. japanese occupation."

............... gone la. brain gone all gone.

now i got 5 donuts, 1 pizza bar left, 2 instant pizzas, 1 instant spaghetti, 4 packets of maggi mee, 1 packet of ritz cheese biscuit, 1 carton of milk, 1 box of lipton tea sachets. now if i still have gastric pain, i will just swallow all these commodities with their boxes and packaging and all. now THAT ought to put a stop to those spoilt brats.

I will buy you a garden
Where your flowers can bloom
I will buy you a new car
Perfect shiny and new
I will buy you that big house
Way up in the west hills
I will buy you a new life
Yes I will

Everclear; I Will Buy You a New Life

hugs to the world. on a monday. may you be happy and blessed today.

*slowly takes out 2 index fingers from invisible holsters* *starts tickling*

hahaha.

ticklish people are FUNNY. find one and you'll know.

rehearsals today. *clears throat* siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinging.

tuition later. then date with mum who is mighty pissed about something. so i gotta come up with all the works, flowers, chocolates, candles, promises of undying love and devotion.

ya i know i am wooing my mum. :S what to do. 1- no one else to woo, 2- no one woo me, 3- she is mad at me. you know how women are. tsk. i'm such a male.

are you disturbed yet? anyone gonna set the white labcoat people on me yet? :)

it's a monday. a new week. many things can be done. in 7 days. miracles have happened in fewer hours.

work read slog teach laugh hug smile eat. :D plan for the week. hope your's is just as fun.

again, hugs to the world. muah muah muah.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

You say I only hear what I want to
You say I talk so all the time so

today i will stay in my room, prop my butt on my bed and refuse to budge cuz you never know what's outside your door. i might start reading my readings if i get bored enough. :D see? silver lining.

but then, i get hungry.

you know what would hit the spot right now? CAKE. apple caramel cheesecake. or maybe opera. or apple crumble... mmmmm.

yesyes i am clearly reading spinelli's cakes brochure. haha. they look so tantalising. it might possibly motivate me to go spinelli's and get them...

then again. NOT.

clockwise L-R: apple crumble, blueberry cheesecake, opera, rocky road brownie. :D

ok damn hungry can. now must make maggi. nahiak.

i'm getting more and more singlish lately. firr's VERY bad influence. whaaaaaack. gone.

i am bored. sob. i'm trying to think of romantice names cuz hana and farhan is being romantic to each other and i am trying to figure out the romantic lines i've come up with.

the best i have now is "mangkuk." say already then aiya paiseh blush blush. then hana say where got romantic like that. so ok la. i make it longer. "mangkuk ayon." waaaaaah so shy sia want to say.

er mangkuk= bowl. mangkuk ayon= bowl swing. err something like that. my malay ain't that tight.

sadly, i can't be ROMANTIC romantic. but i once made a card for valentine's day. my two hand- prints. then i wrote i'm yours.

i bought a baby shoe for our 1st month anniversary to signify the baby steps we're taking. another anniversary, a baby milk bottle with 183 notes on why i love him because we've been together for 183 days.

i wrote poems. i stick lovenotes and cards in our locker. small small notes, small gifts, small cards. just to remind the person i love him. cuz i know i'm not good at showing it.

i brought him to the zoo for an anniversary. i made a scrapbook of our relationship.

i plan our outings to the very minute cuz i know your curfew and i bought the movie tickets in advance.

i organized a surprise birthday party (which cost me my last straw of sanity) whereby i invited both his college and secondary school friends.

ooooh how unromantic. haha. yeah. see that's how i love. i put in effort. i keep the flame burning with constant surprises. you can say i do the man's job in the relationship sometimes. i can't say honey darling dear sayang (ACK!) and whatnots cuz they just sound vile coming out from my mouth. but i do when i want to. i am not a girl of mushy words. haha. again. male stuck in female body.

i don't mind working at a relationship. if it's two- way. i don't mind respecting you as my significant other if you respect me as a female. i don't mind being mushy occasionally if i think you deserve it.

at the end of the day, i wouldn't mind a relationship. if i think it's the right time.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

take a chance take a chance take- a take- a ch- chance

today wake up... brain register slowly... alamaaaak... late for tuition...

nehmindone. go tuition... travel early early... go yishun... backside pain... nehmind.

after tution... met mum. ate at Let's Eat! at lot 1. ok lor. nothing fantastic. i never liked that place.

then go back dorm... changed. ryan came by to say hi then decided to give me a ride to great world city cuz it was on his way to work. (i still don't know his job. doesn't really matter to me. he could be a pimp or a druggie for all i care. :))

reached great world city just in time though i almost had a heart attack cuz ryan was rushing for time and my life flashed right before me on the highway but no... i'm still alive and well. :D

met kim at, where else, *degrading tone* SPINELLI'S. hehe. but i got free cake! again! yes! whee me! blueberry cheese. which kim never got to taste cuz he told me to "makan cepat sikit (eat faster)" which i did. i mean that's how we work what. we tell each other what we want. keep it simple. he forgot to tell me he wanted a bit of the cake, so too bad. :D

watched a very long engagement which *i* enjoyed. the movie was beautiful. france in the 20s seems gorgeous. and the story was wraught with emotions- i actually walked out of the theatre believing, for a split second, that there might be hope after all. but hey, once a cynic, always a cynic. but yes. this comes highly- recommended. a very long engagement. *two thumbs up*

hakim wore purple today. today hakim said, "ok ok i get it i'm gay." i swear he said this i didn't point a knife at him he just said it. aaaah. happy happy.

post- movie, met firr at city hall cuz he wanted to go fort canning park (!) and take pics (?). being free and happy and a bit insane, we went. not before accompanying kim to sakura for his daily dosage his chicken rice. judging from the sulk and thunder- black face, i presume the dish wasn't so delectable. ah well. just not a day for good food.

went fort canning. :D:D:D:D i miss that place and the sky was a perfect shade of indigo. loveliness.

firr surrendered his new paper to us and it was never the same again. haha. three swingers lying down in the middle of fort canning green talking whack. love.

firr told ghost stories. alphabetically. c= cute ghost. cannot wait ask for number then run. hahaha. and he also came up with the alphabet song- buble style. all that jazz... take it away, joe! *saxaphone rhythms fill the air*

i loved the hours spent lying there. i just felt so at peace. even though my phone kept beeping... certain someone kept messaging. ah well.

"hey look! it looks like superman!" "no la... like astroboy." "oh ya. eh his left arm looks like wings." "eh die! his right arm gone." "gooooone..." "dei gone whaaack..." "eh give him a name la. marcus." "eh no la nicholas." "ya eh nicholas mouth all gone." "die la. so detailed sia. then people ask where? point there." "ya la then cheyyy... clouds." hahaha. "eh beetles volkswagon!" "eh no la. like bull." "eh that one like the afrodog, you know the jap one." "ah ok ok enough. let's stick with clouds."

fun. really. i had a blast. though i was hungry and firr's ghost stories, at some points, were actually very scary. haha.

lalala. took train back. now am here. :)

to you. times have changed. hope you can come to terms with it. i am not the old fiza.

Friday, February 18, 2005

*looks at the tag*

*grin*

class ended at 12. then it was me asleep as it finally rained after a drought of weeks. rahmat. :)

tuition at yishun... then. :):):) a bike ride. had pizza by the roadside. sat on a kerb like i've always wanted to. just sat and ate our pizza slices.

then it was a surprise bike ride to... BOTANIC GARDEN. (next time you wanna surprise me warn me so i can bring my camera. haha.)

it was eerie and beautiful at the same time... he brought candles. hehehe. we climbed a tree and sat there listening to his iPod. talked and laughed.

nobody gets too much heaven no more, it's much harder to come by, i'm waiting in line

loveliness. sang our beegees and abba then i taught him how to eat keropok with chilli sauce. yes yes the fish crackers la. something like keropok lekor but not. he liked it. (or he could be lying. i don't know. i think he's still a pretzel person.)

when we stood in the middle of the green he said, "this is where i go when i miss home. it's the closest i get to central park."

:) thanks for sharing your park with me. he made me close my eyes and imagine it was really new york and it was really central park and there was snow then he made me imagined it was autumn then a breeze swept by and made leaves fall all over making it all the more real. sigh.

yes snow and autumn. movie scenes. serendipity and autumn in new york. sigh. i love new york.

thanks for letting me cry. and for not asking me why.

you listen, you care, you talk to me, you see me. you treat me like a girl. a real girl. for once i didn't need to do ego- bashing or put up protective walls or try to act tougher than i really feel. cuz you let me be a girl. you treat me like i'm a princess. unoriginal, i know, but it is so true.

you lifted me and twirled me around and as i laugh my joy pierced the air but the tears stinged my eyes.

i'm glad we met. you're so wonderful and you understand and you know just what to do to make me forget.

i will forget. i will. "some jerks just aren't worth it. don't put your life on hold for a jerk. he doesn't even know what he wants."

that's the most sound advice i've received as yet. and i will use it.

thank you for tonight. i had a lovely time. and i would love to dance with you in central park... :)

arrest her! she's the serial datist

*raises hand* yup that's me.

shirah - watch the world spinning, gently out of time: god gal u date alot
Me: hahahah i know!
Me: i'm a female alfie
shirah - watch the world spinning, gently out of time: unlike me
Me: ur too emotional la
Me: u cant date ard
Me: i'm like a male stuck in a girl's body
Me: that's why i can date ard
Me: n not attach emotions to it

sad but true. more often than not in my relationships, i have been the commitment- phobe. i've always been the one who start fidgeting and get all uncomfortable when the partner starts speaking of long- term commitments and the 'm' word. MARRIAGE. i'll say, that's very male.

since my split middle of last year, several opportunities have arised for me to be half of a couple again. but why bother. i'll just end up running away when he gets all serious and heavy. like you know, mind- heavy not weight- heavy. i don't go around lifting my boyfriends.

i guess i am scared of the idea of being with JUST ONE PERSON for the rest of your life. isn't that scary? to know that your happiness is in the hands of this other person, capable of wrenching it away anytime?

"but fiza, you don't HAVE to end up with that one person." so if i get into a relationship chances are we're gonna split before the big M? then, why bother? "fiza, does it have to lead to that?" yes it does. at the end of the day, coupling leads to the M word unless you're not malay nor muslim nor the only child. of which i am on all three counts.

but anyway, i digress. :) but you saw that coming. ;)

but ANYWAY. yeah. so. i date around. not because i enjoy free meals- actually i try to ensure we go dutch especially if it's a new date who might not know fiza is a wham bham thank you ma'am sort. ok not ma'am but you get the idea. i date around because though i enjoy the company of these boys/ men/ gays/ whatever, i am not ready to just choose ONE and settle into happy wedded bliss. *ting! lightbulbs blinking all around* GREED!

no. it's not essentially greed that drives me. you have to work backwards. i don't want to date alot either cuz it gets tiring too. sometimes i forget names. (i'm beginning to sound more and more male.) however, if you have not met the one who SWEEPS YOU OFF YOUR FEET, IS YOUR NIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR YADAYADAYADA, am i supposed to just sit around in my room and work on my lesbian partnerships (which are fun, nonetheless, but we all need our dose of testerones every now and then)?

at the end of the day if i really like the person, i am willing to work. in every relationship i was in, despite the inevitable of fiza running away at the mere hint of wedding bells, there was a point of time where i put in effort into making it work. i will show the guy i love him, i miraculously become capable of certain amount of mush on certain selected days (which makes it all the more special i say) and i'm loyal to the point of blindness.

so see. i ain't that bad. i know being a female alfie and all that line just seemed like, yeah i slept with you but at least i used a condom kinda thing but hey, it's true. i'm not that bad. i don't date and dump. i make sure i run just before the guy starts getting funky long- term ideas in his head. :)

Someone please call 911
Tell them I just been shot down
And the bullet's in my heart
And it's piercing through my soul
Feel my body gettin' cold
Somone please call 911
The alleged assailant
Is my lover
And she shot me through my soul
Feel my body gettin' cold
Wyclef Jean + Mary J. Blidge, 911

someone who isn't supposed to be reading my blog is reading my blog and hence i am well and truly bugged. and he says, "but fiza, they are meant to be read- blog." and before i can say anything, he goes on, "yes but not for you kim!" so smart. keep on second- guessing me and the next thing you know you won't have to meet me anymore cuz you can just have an imaginary conversation with me right at the comforts of your own home. you ask and the 'me' in your head answers. WOW.

i am now officially late for class. :D

----------- time now; 12.26 p.m. just got back from class. will go to sleep. i am a lazy fat ass who eats and sleep and never studies nor work. tsk tsk tsk.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

dream a little dream of me

looooooooong day. am tired.

class at 2. skipped lecture at 4. (i know i know. couldn't be bothered la. got webcast.)

ate with sara at gecko's. hope the indigestion's better. she's no less tormenting when she's ill. she rattled off on how the lift was vandalised even before it could fully function. haha.

then my BROTHER hakim wanted to meet. so we did. at holland vee. i was about, hmm, an hour late? :)

oh yea. we're doing this brother- sister thang now. whatever man. he wants it he's got it. ;)

after that went to meet mum to view our new house so that i can play my room. ooooooh i'm absolutely bursting with ideas now.

met someone someone just now. :) i had a good time. *dances around*

gonna make maggi mee in a while. instant noodles, thou art a saviour.

i wanna be a writer. i know my english is not fantastic but hey, a girl can dream. but i realized that if i want to do that as a career, singapore is not the place. hence migrating comes into the story. then i get all nervous bout the idea i'll just drop it into the big black box at the back of my head and keep it there till it resurfaces again in the distant future and i repeat and go through the entire vicious cycle again. heah.

mid- term break coming up. yay!

there goes my baby, she knows how to rock and roll

i want to be in the 60s. 21st century suck. *stands in corner and sulks*

i don't want to be a student. i wanna be a hippy gypsy and live in the forest. though i hate tie- dye. i'm cool with the bell- bottoms though. kapish.

i don't want to get married. i'm too lazy and it seems like such a waste of money. hahaha.

but i want my FCP wedding. it's so idyllic and perfect that if my actual wedding stops short of my ideal, i will not marry the guy. sorry you! whoever you are!

i am still on a green binge. greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen. nyahahaha. *eats green colour crayons*

i am so worried bout my sanity sometimes but sadly there's nothing i can do about it. i can't check myself into a mental institution cuz that will be BEYOND disturbing to EVERYONE around me and besides, my friends have already certified me as an Institute of Mental Health REJECT.

yeah even they don't want me.

what is the world to be.

still awake.

i think i need a visit to the doctor very soon.

i also want to take up ballet/ pilates/ yoga/ jazz/ latin samba.

i wish i didn't read that.

i want to watch a very long engagement.

i want to stop living for awhile... very tired la.

class tomorrow. eh later. at 2. then lecture. at 4. then tuition. at 7.30. then back at pgp. at godknowswhattime.

i want to see you.

no not you. you.

hahaha. go figure. i also dunno.

hana scared me. please ah. don't curse me. alah you two action don't like- don't like wait in the end just get married.

shudder.

i want to watch a very long engagement with you. and hitch. and closer. and hide and seek. why must watch movies with you one ah? like no other kakis like that.

whatever la. i must be damn sleepy and later today i'll read this and be astounded by what i wrote.

i am astounding. ding ding ding. ring a ring a rose a pocket full of posies.

ok sleep.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

blub blub blub.

timber!!!

don't talk about STOOLS on your phone out loud if you don't want me to burst out laughing.

and don't say "hepatitis a" in a toilet. weird. ok.

tomatoes grow to become sheeps, then horses, then sportscar.

ok go.

time check: 3.38 a.m.

current venue: PGP, Level 6, Room N.

venue in 30 minutes time: outside.

venue in an hour's time: Fong Seng.

company: izati.

cause: many many. :) learnt something. but it's good la. i knew it was too soon anyway. was unsure myself. now i can end the roller- coaster ride. fun while it lasted. i don't hate you. i think i know where you're coming from. maybe i'm just numbed now, but hey, maybe a re- enactment occurs and if it happens again, i'll just take it for what it is and nothing more. i am just happy to be there. i don't need to own it. i don't need it to be mine. just need it to be there when i want it. that's what i treasure. the omnipresence. so there. no worries dude. like i said before, i only start liking a guy when he starts liking me. and now that i see the picture, trust me, the last you need to worry of is me falling for you. ain't got the time hunny. *flicks hair*

AHAKS. FIZA'S BACK MY BABES! *huge wink* sorry for the wait. but i bet you it was worth it.

with sudden horror and much sorrow today, i realized i'm a girl

.............. tragic i know.

therefore, i shall poke my eyeballs out.

hehe. no la.

for SEA module today we watched a horror flick, return to pontianak. it was a lame, badly- filmed, B- grade movie. but because the girl got long hair, wore white and was very capable of looking scary, i freaked out.

SHE.IS.DAMN.SCARY.CAN.

SEE?!

now i can't sleep. fortunately izati next door watched it too. so i can always go next door. NO MORE COMING BACK LATE AT NIGHT AT PGP. *shudders*

at the start, the GIRLS (real true hardcore feminine female anomalies) were squeamish about switching off all the lights. and fiza, bravogirl of the century said,

"aiya please la. where got scary one."

:| *slaps herself*

oh at one point the pontianak was there then the main character turned and the pontianak was gone.

fiza: WAH! SHE'S THE FLASH!

teehee.

knowing that it was a close to home story and seeing so many stock conventions (i.e. grave marker (batu nesan), stranded hut, foetus, kain batik (traditional Indonesian cloth)) didn't help.

when Prof. Yew switched the lights back on, Fiza was the girl at the back with her back facing the screen and hugging the back of her chair. (that is like, how chickenshit and girly la. beyond girly i think.)

heah. paiseh la.

lunch- hour intellect:

Me: Hafiz! You're so merepek (nonsensical)!
Fiz: Hello! Don't call me merepek ok! Coming from you! You're the most merepek!
Me: EXACTLY! ALL THE MORE! i am the KING of MEREPEK and therefore it is in my power to rule and declare if one is merepek as and when i like it. and you have become one of us now.

i know. soooooo intelligent.

i just spout nonsense. daily. at random. all the time. it's all messed- up up here.

deviance lecture was such fun! i am going to drag hakim by his hair (what little there is) to come and crash lecture or else he won't get any of my future ghana jokes. i've already taught him the where- there, instigate curiousity and ahmm! more to come. stay tuned! *wink* don't touch that dial.

car ride to bishan had me waving at everyone at every bus stop. :D oh such glee!

exams are nearer than i thought.

*tries freaking out*

cannot lei. how?

never mind. i shall hone my phenomenal, astounding, mind- boggling, gravity- defying talent of...

walla!

this by the way, was second attempt. at wismangan (go go eat it's @ bugis but cute boy my one hor). 1st attempt was at constant craving. I ROCK LA DEI.

who needs a degree when you can balance a spoon on your nose? hmm hmm hmm? especially one like mine? HAH. to all those whohave said my nose is small/ button- like/ hard to breathe through...

EAT YOUR HEART OUT.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

what can i say

you make me smile. you make me laugh. you make me happy. you annoy me. you irritate me. you're lamer than lame. you're beyond corny.

went holland vee. got a clock. :) neon green one. loveliness. i am on my green binge still.

met kim. went bugis. siam kitchen. sim lim square. long walks random talks many laughs.

from sim lim. umm. train. OH WAIT. WOW. i forgot to laugh at him! kim! we took the TRAIN! not BUS! today! FINALLY! you took the train! wow! (kim is super budget. always take bus because he got concession. want to kena slap.)

oh man. i just realized. shit la. or else can laugh at him just now. haha. kim naik train sehhhh. hahahaha.

then wait for bus to go great world city. then wait wait wait like fruit never fall down (macam buah tak jatuh) so we took the shuttle to suntec. then turned out suntec don't have a very long engagement (actually whole singapore don't have haha) went to marina- they HIDE their cinema I SWEAR it's like the longest walk ever to get from marina square to the freaking theatre- there also no nice movies- plus we no cash- atm was wayyyyyyyyy back at marina square- so walk back to marina square- withdraw money- take bus to great world city. (yes. square one. this is a day out with hakim for you.)

bus ride i read my newly rented book by michael connelly. kept laughing to myself. haha. kim kept nudging. was ignored. sorry. bookworm la.

at great world got tickets for i do, i do. YES FIZA WATCHED A LOCAL FILM TODAY.

then spinelli's where he got us free... something. drinks. :D:D i am beginning to terribly ENJOY this friendship with kim. keep em' cakes comin', boy!

i do, i do wasn't that bad. but standard jack neo. BLATANT PROMOTING OF DODO AND CARSLBERG. fucken annoying. really. it's like watching tv. got commercials. promote like siao. am still iritated. i was complaining to kim smack in the theatre. hahaha. he had to cover my mouth. and then he started making funny noises cuz the ang moh girl was hot. so i had to cover his mouth. life's a trade- off, they say. uhuh.

post- movie, kinda hungry. so macs it was. :D budget mah. hahahaha.

took a bus back. then changed buses. being a pgp resident whereby it's at one corner of campus, i had to walk in cuz shuttle service had ended. and cuz the shortcut i took was so bloody dark at night, i started singing out loud. VINDICATEDIAMSELFISHIAMWRONG IAMRIGHTISWEARI'MRIGHT SWEARIKNEWITALLALONGANDIAMFLAWED BUTIAMCLEANINGUPSOWELL IAMSEEINGINMENOWTHETHINGSYOUSWOREYOUSAWYOURSELF SOCLEAR..... bla bla bla.

got into room. sweets at my door. :) love.

msn-ed. till now. i am happy.

just.happy.

thank you.

Monday, February 14, 2005

have a happy heart day, one and all. i love you!

Sunday, February 13, 2005

i don't like life and the little funny jokes they play

don't misunderstand. i love my life. i treasure life. but DAMN it's got a WAY of giving me shit.

there's a big mess now where my head used to be. i am losing my priorities and letting go of all i think is sane and right. i just want to be wrong.

i regret starting this game. i really do. mind games are fun only when you're winning.

i don't know if meeting is a good idea. you are just starting to make baby steps away from me and meeting me tomorrow might not help things. at all.

sick sick feeling in my guts. sick. bad. baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

hana. i think this time i made a HUGE wrong move and there might not be a turning back.

so why don't you slide

if i lose it all tomorrow, then at least i lost it on an auspicious day.

and if so, at least i can finally move on.

selfishness is not attractive. especially not on you and especially not after thursday.

i feel a desperate need to hurt you.

you throw me up in the sky and i shake like crazy, afraid i'll tumble to the ground without you catching me. you went for a drink and came back and just neatly caught me in your arms. goes to show how high you threw me.

you've already won me over, inspite of me

watched finding neverland. i cried like an eejit. it is sad. peter. i love peter. and his eyes. so big. so sad. "why did she die?" "i thought she would live forever." he asked questions i couldn't ask when my dad died.

i want to go to neverland.

got cake from kim. :D apple caramel cheesecake. it's becoming another addiction.

movie was at GWC where me and fiz ended up shopping. went town later and khalid bought a bag. went C.C. for lunchinner. two gays and a lesbian. we SWING!

fiz left after tangs and me and khalid wandered about. ended up at esplanade. then one fullerton beside the rude and smelly merlion. then the boardwalk near old merlion site. then boat quay/ singapore riverside. pretty night.

i am a hero cuz i balanced a spoon on my nose at C.C! i rock! AND I GOT EVIDENCE!

will post it later.

anyway. long day it has been. i am tired. i am nervous. i am scared. to lose. something. which i never had before.

Marlin: It's over Dory. We were too late. Nemo's gone and I'm going home now.

Dory: No..no, you can't! Stop! Please don't go away. Please? No one's ever stuck with me for so long before. And if you leave, if you leave...I just, I remember things better with you. I do. Look, P. Sherman, 42..40..2..agh! I remember it, I do. It's there, I know it is because when I look at you, I can feel it. And I, I look at you and...I'm home. Please. I don't want them to go away. I don't wanna forget.

i don't want to lose you because i'm afraid that i might never feel like this again.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

when it's over, that's the time i fall in love, again

breeze. stars. clouds. dying and dying and double- dead and relived and reborn. in that place. the safety and security of being in there. i want to stay there. would it be wrong? i want to lie there and smother myself with your presence. like all cliche women, i want to hear your heartbeat. maybe i did. i don't want a tomorrow or forever with you. just a now. i want to see you. because i miss you.

hana i said the 'm' word. aren't you proud?

an ego the size of nebraska was never a good thing. 2 people with egos the size of nebraska would require systematic scientific research before ANY good thing can be discovered in this lethal combination.

i need my dose of escapism. you offered. i never did give an answer. maybe later you will come my way and give me the drug i need. you.

i can't seem to upload new songs into my mpthree player. hana, help!

i miss my shmucky best friend farhana. i hate it when poly kids go into final year and their whole life is on hold and everything is just projects and projects. nyeh. MOE is robbing me of preciouslovetime with my schmucks!

i wanna learn how to play the bass guitar. i can so see myself rocking away on stage with a bass guitar and a band resembling a papayamooching combi of KISS and Beatles and Cake. oooooooooh k now that's a scary thought. ahaks.

watching finding neverland with khalid and moi darrrrrrling later. yayness! at.at.at.at.at.at.at.at.at. teehee. GWC. nyahahaha.

sickeningly happy yesiam. if i were a sad person i'll really kill me. really. so annoying. so happy like what. want to kena slap.

hafiz is doing well. :D based on reliable sources. i've set up and sent out a contingency team to do damage control and further repairs. :) i know now he'll be fine and i know now i'll be fine too. life can go on. we can be happy again as separate entities. all the best beloness!

And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath- to forget

Shania Twain; It Only Hurts when I'm Breathing

this song is love. so is shania. (LOVE her name, btw.) go download. ohohoh and download KISS and Beatles and Cake so you know how my band will sound like. now come to think of it, i should learn to play the sax or something. ala' cake. oooooooooooh ROCKERFELLASKANKIN!

happiness is a warm gun

went for supper with mum. reminisced the days when we were both single. two ladies in the house giggling over chick flicks while scouring through tubs of chocolate ice- cream. those days are over.

i had half- boiled eggs with pepper and soy sauce. it tasted like it did when i was 8. i cried. over eggs. it felt nostalgic. my mum said the only reason i first ate them half- boiled eggs was because i saw my dad did and as always, i wanted to do what he does.

don't you remember you told me you love me baby? you said you'd be coming back this way again my baby

had mutton chop and a chat. mum is happy. she's finally truly happy and at this point anyone who comes between her and this happiness will have to face the wrath of me.

she asked me if i am happy. it was hard to answer. cuz instinctively, i wanted to say yes. but since she found out bout me and hafiz and the exchanges we've had... she knows happy is just temporal.

i am happy. in a sober, just- got- over- a- death- in- the- family kinda way. i am not ecstatic or euphoric all the time and yes, laughter has been reduced by a tremendous amount. WALLA. but no. other than that, i'm still fiza. i'm still me. i'm still happy.

she asked me how i seemingly got over hafiz so fast. i can't defend myself here. i am getting over. am not over already. the process is long and cumbersome and it's been 6 months or so. i know it seems pretty recent cuz that was when HE decided to let go... but i was easing away much earlier. many say i didn't try hard enough. many thinks i am cruel for leaving such a wonderful person. many thinks i'm the bad one cuz i did the leaving and i got over him first. but someone had to do it. it doesn't make me noble, but it makes me practical. we split. so there. get over it. we can't salvage this yet. i said yet. i am not saying we can salvage this in future, but i'm saying that we don't know the future.

i am finding my neverland. i am like the commitment- phobes of the 90s. hana thinks all i gotta do is start believing in love. and i do. i really do. if i don't, it wouldn't hurt then to think of hafiz.

is there anything called too fast in the matters of the heart? is there time there? does that place count logic? does it matter what we want?

it's written in the stars. everything. and the reality of that makes me so torn between slumping back and watch God do his magic or sitting up straight and pointing God in the general direction i want to head. effort. to achieve something. i am making it.

now the all- important question. am i falling for anyone? my point here is, even if i do or i don't, that's beside the point. i want to know that people know that i can fall. i am still human. yes. a bitch of the species but a specie nonetheless. so bear with me. and my existence.

i will fall for someone. one day. inevitably. we don't know who, why, how. but i will. for sure. and it might not be hafiz. we might not get our fairytale ending. but i would like to think one day i can write here, hey i saw fiz today! we went out for soccer at west coast park and he told me bout his new crush.

it's wishful thinking and also a long wait. but a girl can dream, can't she?

knowing my audience now, i feel a need to suddenly be more careful of what i write. it's content has a larger circulation than i thought.

but that's world wide web. everyone in the world can choose to read about your life. only you can control how much about your life they learn.

i am happy. and please, people, let me be. i may be happy for all the wrong reasons; sex, pregnancy, a farting monkey a rotting lizard but point is, i am happy. and i want people to be happy for me too.

if you can't then, well. sorry.

Friday, February 11, 2005

and then i saw her face, i'm a believer!

Your feisty imagination indicates a playful nature as well as some good news. The nymph symbolizes dreams of love come true! Even if what you've been playing over and over again in your head seems a little far-fetched, expect a little bit of it to be realized. With her magical nature, the nymph can work wonders for your love life. If you imagined yourself as the mythical woodland fairy, then you're the type of girl who likes to keep guys guessing. Soon you'll be using your sly charm and flirtatious ways to get a change of heart out of a guy who hasn't been all that great to you. Try to be honest, though, and don't rack up a reputation as a girl to avoid because she's a chronic heart-breaker. Have a little fun, but try and actually like a guy for change, too.

remember this? took it some time back. late january. 20th. spirals.

today hana saw a WHOLE NEW side of me. ahaha. paranoia is not lookin' good on me aye. no, no it isn't.

hence i won't be. hence, my heart is still not on the line. i am not ready to throw caution to the wind and let myself be windswept again. this time, i'm checking to see if it's a long, eternal gale or just another passing breeze.

sand in my hair, jeans, laptop and sneakers

too much to say too little words. :)

today was 4- hour tuition session, am impressed with myself. i didn't go crazy though i did got agitated by the fact that i have to keep redrawing the models for pri. 3 maths problem sums. (Mr. Lee spent more! So the model is longer or shorter than Mr. Poon? So if more means what, plus or minus?)

then went back to eat lunch and cleaned up a lil', with kim waiting in the living room. that tweet saw me "makan suap". laugh la laugh. nyeh.

"my camera got no phone." you're bad influence.

we then left for town where we mulled around a lil' and finally went to liberty @ paragon for TWIX ICE- CREAM WHICH IS HEAVENLY. kim called it sinful. i'm sticking with heaven. nyeh.

sat on the steps of paragon basement and went throught cleo while having our tub of heaven/ sin. oh we bought brownies to go with it. mrs. fields. :D

laughed at the 12 sexual bloopers in bed. buy this month's (er march, i mean) cleo SOLELY for this absofagginlutely FUNNY article.

dum dee da. spontaneity was word of the day. (at first we wanted to go to changi airport then it was far east then paragon.) kim suggested east coast and being free children, we went.

watched his favourite movie... boys and girls. not your average american teen love drama. i'd say it was pretty good. and i found where kim gets his lame sense of humour. haha.

we finally got to see our beach at night. it was gorgeous. as we thought it should be. i didn't take any pictures. surprisingly. i decided to heed dr. gwee's advice and not try to duplicate the memory by trying to immortalise it through photography. it's now in my head and i must admit, it's prettier up there.

we sat there and just listened to songs from my laptop. and figured out aliens and clouds and why they move. and watch "shooting stars". they're rather slow. and aeroplanes looks like submarines at night.

i'm full of thoughts and emotions. now. i can't write it all here. yet. might jinx it. but let's hope nothing goes terribly wrong.

Baby there's something about you that
I can hold on to
I'm going to hold on to that
Baby there's something about you that
I can hold on to
I'm going to hold on to that

Five for Fighting; Something about You.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Global Personality Test Results

Stability (79%) high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic..
Orderliness (30%) low which suggests you are overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.
Extraversion (70%) high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

Take Free Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

doh wa dee diddy dum diddy dum.

tuition in a few hours. 10- 2. ya. make- up session. poof. confirm finish the session braindead.

might be going to study. ya i know fiza is FINALLY getting down to it. aren't we all happy now? :)

to the bugger going around giving away my number, i'm going to throw you into a dungeon of horny gay men. you BAD BAD person.

i got my glow back. though i still get teary- eyed over stupid things. but that's probably hormonal. you know how it is.

i need the beach.

i am so addicted to muse again. godbless limewire. :D

lips are turning blue
a kiss I can't renew
I only dream of you
my beautiful

tiptoe to your room
a starlight in the gloom
I only dream of you
and you never knew

sing for absolution
I will be singing
falling from your grace

Muse; Sing for Absolution.

hati- wrenching. absolutely.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

hello there stranger.

it kills me that we are not friends. i just needed to get that out of the way. it does. but i am not going to impose friendship on you cuz i know you are right. it will hurt you.

i am not mad at you at all. what for? i am in the wrong.

i never wanted to be the cause of your downfall. i don't want you to lose it all because of me. i want you to be happy. without me.

you're right. reading my blog is going to hurt because i talk about so many people now. but i did wrote some entries after our "official" split. you might want to read those. but i hate to say this, but i am ok now. i realize that there is no solution to this but THIS. what we are now.

being friends won't work cuz you're hoping for something from me that i can't give. i can't live up to what you want. you still want the same things that you want before, i don't. as much as i hate to hurt you, i am much better off where i stand cuz i stand no chance in hurting anyone else.

our stars crossed because God wanted to have something special and beautiful at that moment in time. something to keep and treaure. and that i will. God didn't mean it to be forever. or maybe not for now. but you have to keep your head up and move along. don't drown in your sorrows.

i'm sorry if my meeting and leaving you have been a horrible experience. from start to finish. knowing you, you're going to tell me it wasn't. :) and it wasn't, was it? while we were both in love, everything was just a beautiful technicolour dreamworld. but all good things, end.

i'm sorry. for everything. but i'm not sorry for being with you. you taught me so much in life. you gave me so much that i probably can never give back to anyone else. your raw emotions hit me now when i realized how inept you are with words but how the lack of words, now teach me how painfully honest and sincere you were.

i will always love you. because i can't hate you. because no matter what i do, i keep you with me. even if we're not friends, you're mine to me. it is not the love you want it to be but hopefully, one day it'll be enough and you'll be back and we'll be happy young things again basking in the glory that is life. i'll be waiting.

apologetic,
fiza zali

p.s.: sorry i have not returned your BB libe books. habits die hard. you're one of them, btw. but anyway, yes. i'll return it soon. sorry.

The End.

Back off we'll take you on,
Headstrong to take on anyone,
I know that you are wrong,
Headstrong we're headstrong,
Back off we'll take you on,
Headstrong to take on anyone,
I know that you are wrong and this is not where you belong.
I can't give everything away,
I won't give everything away.

- Trapt; Headstrong.

it's all good now. i am not mopey nor sad. lack of appetite still but doing fine otherwise. live and let live. i need to buck up on my studies so hafta stop stoning already. no more time to stone!

i went for 1 tutorial today and skipped 1 lecture. my last of stone sessions. got back to my room and catch up on much lost sleep. woke up, went to soci project meeting. then met kim. then bumped into hana and we 3 wandered around esplanade. ate. *grins at hana* I DID! yeah. then took the bus back. then realized i need to go to my dorm. so i took a train and cab back to PGP.

kim got me this apple crumble cake thingamajick from his workplace *degrading look; SPINELLI'S!* and it ROCKED MY WORLD CAN. yum. i love apples. spinelli's got TWO apple cakes! love love love.

more clarification today. now that i know i'm not an exception to the norm, i feel like i'm breathing in clearer air. so be it. que sera sera. now if you want to find me, swim through the pile of readings. :)

however, i still want to go to the beach and fort canning park. the latter is however, reserved. not many people can be with me at FCP. it's too special. i don't like sharing it. FCP tells me it doesn't like to be shared too. i shall be selective for my FCP date. as for the beach, well, the more the merrier. we shall see.

i think what woke me up in the end was the amount of concern so many showed. i realized that so many care and i am just obstinately sitting on my misery and milking it for all it's worth. that's over.

to MOI DARRRRRLING... HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAREST SWEETEST YUMMY HUNNY BUNNY WUNNY MINNY WEENY! haha. that was gross. but anyhoos. hope you liked the gift. sorry it wasn't wrapped. and keep a day free, i'm taking you out on a date for mind- blowing deserts. :D and i didn't hug you! so i will. when i see you again. you're a year older babes. i hope you only get happier and jollier. don't let people get you down. only you matter. don't let people make you think you're not worthy of individuality. i respect you and love you for you.

and you. are we still playing this game? if we are i'll tell you though i might be hurting more, you not knowing only means i'm in the lead for you have to keep doing the work. hah. play on.

finished.

i'm done with my stone- zone. am now happy and light again and the glow is back. i will complete my readings, do my projects enthusiastically, go out and have fun, and stop skipping classes. :D

thanks for all the words of concern. i will get my ass back up cuz there's no point sticking on the ground when the peak is so near. ladidadida. seeya!

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

i knew it.

i must be PMS- ing like CRAZY cuz now i am feeling hurt and dejected. cuz. of. someone. not hafiz.

haiyaaaaaaa i hate it when my emotions go on a free- for- all. i told myself not to let my heart rein freely on this one. but i am slowly losing grip and spiralling downwards faster than a crashing heli.

knowing what you did to yours did not help reduce the pain when i saw what she did with hers. you're not mine. but i want to make you my private sanctuary. will you let me?

i wanted to meet you tomorrow. but. i don't know. maybe you're busy but by god it hurts when you ignore me. maybe it's time i go back to my game. it came to a grinding halt when i panicked at the thought of you stopping the game.

it's a dangerous game, i'm warning you first. and when it comes to causing pain, many will vouch my abilities. so don't play too hard or you'll hurt as much.

you are escapism
a part of a different world
you are like a switch
that turns me off
from my natural surroundings
with you, there's no expectations
i can just laugh and be free
cuz i don't care what you think
i can sit still and be quiet with you
i can snort and burst into loud incoherent
rambles
and i know you would listen.

like a drug, you make me high
i become light and fluffy and happy
in your presence my facades melt
and i'm comfortable just being
myself.

you don't have to say much
the occasional gestures
the gentle smile, the shared laughter...
you're my timeless paradise
a paradigm for getaway
a universe i can call my own
and a place in life
where i answer to no one.

you want to listen
you want to be there
like an addicted junkie, i keep coming
when my world falls i run to your presence
your existence becomes a lifeline
allows me to escape reality
let's me be free.

with you i can cry but
i don't.

to meet you is
a dosage
where excess does harm
but an addict knows not the difference.

we know one day
i might find a new drug
or you might stop being
my source of escapism.

we know an exit from reality
will always be, temporal.
but for now, drugs are all i need.
to numb my pain, i'll run to you.

Monday, February 07, 2005

we both know, it's better if we just let it go

i'm ~~barely~~ surviving on a staple diet of 50 cents vending machine coke and random spurts of stoning. healthy.

she asked, "you don't want to be with him. so i don't get it. why does this hurt?"

because i love him. i don't want to hurt him. and his decision to cut ties with me is hurting him. when i stopped being IN love with him, it hurt him. when i write about being happy, i know inside it hurts him that he's not the one making me happpy. when i have to be the "right" one and choose not to respond to him, it hurt him. when i choose singlehood, it hurt him. when i fell for him, the one thing i remembered that i kept saying to myself is, "i want to bubble wrap this boy." you don't want to see your loved one hurt. but he is hurt. and i'm the one hurting him. and that wouldn't hurt as much as the fact that all this hurt is WHILE I STILL LOVE HIM.

yes. it's a different love. he's like a mother a father a brother a twin- he hurts; i hurt. simple.

what hurts more is that he is still IN love with me. it's like watching someone free- falling knowing you're the landing mat he wants but you just can't be that landing mat, because, well, because you don't want to be a landing mat. you want to be free- falling instead. or a rug. or carpet grass. or a rhinoceros. but just not a landing mat.

the one thing you want from me and i can't give it to you. i'm sorry.

i'm not going to be like those cliche sad girls and say, "the day went by in a blur. before i knew it, it was over." mine wasn't a blur. i know what happened.

i slept for 3 hours, woke up, contemplated skipping school, contemplated cancelling tuition, got up and showered, go to class, bought coke, sit and stone, class ends, walk to another class, sit and stone, teared up suddenly, go toilet, vomitted yellow bile, go back to class, stone some more, finish class, catch my bus, take a train to ang mo kio, go hougang, taught tuition, and now i'm here and the day is STILL NOT OVER. :)

today i didn't do any of my stunt- woman jaywalking cuz i decided i'd more likely end up on a hospital bed than across the road. nyeh. i also realized i lost my GLOW! GLOW! where are you mr. glow?! come back! i miss you! so now i don't look like i have had sex nor gotten pregnant. maybe i should have sex or get pregnant (oh wait i can do BOTH) and i'll get my glow back! :D :D :D :D don't my intelligence astound you?

*rereads paragraph* wow i'm still funny. hahaha. ok. sometimes i am so funny i cry to myself.

today my tutor said i am unusually quiet. so before class ended he demanded i say something or else i couldn't leave the classroom. i said,

"someone spilled my coke."

irrelevant but nonetheless, i got out of class. :)

someone make me ~~stop~~ sleep.

it's 6.10 a.m. from saturday through sunday through monday. saturday morning was cramps, pain. then 1/8 roti john, 2 spoons of spaghetti, 2 bites of burger, slept at 5 a.m., woke up at 12 noon, stoned till 5 p.m., met hana, had my meal for the day at delifrance, laughed till 9 p.m., got back, cried till 11 p.m., moped till 4 a.m. then stoned. and stoned. till now.

i am numbed. i just don't know what to do with myself. know that song? by steve tyrell.

I just don't know what to do with myself
Don't know just what to do with myself
I'm so used to doing everything with you
Planning everything for two
And now that we're through

I just don't know what to do with my time
I'm so lonesome for you, it's a crime
Going to a movie only makes me sad
Parties make me feel as bad
When i'm not with you, i just don't know what to do

yay. i am mopey. isn't it wonderful? firr was so surprised to see this side of me he called it refreshing. wonder if he'd use the same word in a few days time.

i haven't eat. nor sleep. nor lived. i blink and my eyes stay close for 5 seconds longer than the usual. but to sleep will be temporal escapism and tomorrow still comes and i have to face it again.

i want to go out. i bet the beach is beautiful now. at times like this, i need a person. a person to call mine. not boyfriend. person. who has everything necessary to assist me in recuperation. i think he's called a paramedic. own a car, is insomniac and will drive me to the beach now. or else. i'm walking there. and don't underestimate these words.

FUCK. and now the stupid radio is playing imran's song. angie stone. i wish i didn't miss you anymore. dammit. the odds are against me to be happy tonight. so okay, miss serendipity, i shall obey your wishes and be fucking depressed for the whole week. i am going to forget about work and essays and skip meals and mope and be miserable in general cuz you just don't fucking want me happy. DAMMIT.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

aren't you proud of me?

i've gone past sobbing and quiet tears. tonight i went bawling and asking thin air, "why?".

hello.

i'm writing this to just let out everything i feel. i
don't know who to talk to or how to let it out but i
can't keep everything inside anymore.it used to work
but i can't anymore.

i wonder how you are.if you're ok.i hope you're ok.i
don't know.sometimes i feel like asking you or even
visit your blog to know how you are but i can't.i'm
afraid you might get angry at me.or i might read
something which would hurt.i'm sorry.

i think about you all the time.memories of you.every
thing reminds me of you.i can't sleep.you're always on
my mind and everyday is painful.i feel like i'm living
a slow death.i can't swallow the fact we're not
together anymore.it seems like a very bad dream.you
used to ask me how i would be if we broke up.i
couldn't imagine it then.i'm lost.

chnnel 5 played ghost last night.ithurt.
i don't know what i'm trying to say now.
just that i love you.

i hope one day,we may be together again.i hope you'll
want me back in your life again.love me again.

i'll be waiting for that day.i hope it comes.

i'm sorry if after you've read this mail, you feel mad
at me in any way. i'm really sorry.

i will still be there for you if you're down.

i remember you once played a song on your laptop for
me to hear.something that went 'sometimes love just
ain't enough'. i didnt understand it then but i do
now.

and immediately when i clicked on his email, the radio played threedoorsdown here without you. why.

every word hits me in the face. i feel like i've been knocked down by a 10- tonner that keeps reversing and backing up and knocking me down again and again. all i want is for you to stop hurting. please stop hurting. please stop loving me. i can't have you loving me. i can't i can't i can't.

please stop waiting. please. i can't have you hoping on me. i am hopeless. please. i'm a gone case. i'm not worthy of your sincerity. please go. i am stamping my feet. cuz i want you to go. you are hurting yourself by waiting for me. i don't know what to write. i don't know what to say. i don't know what i'm feeling. i just want to cry.

how do you stop tears?

i am so overawed by your feelings. you make me feel so unworthy. why must you fall in love with an ass. i'm so sorry... ya allah... please stop me. i don't know. stop me. from i don't know what. just stop this. i don't know what i'm feeling but i want it to go.

if i could meet you, i want to go on my knees and beg you to hate me. if i could i'd send you for an operation to erase me from your memory. i hate this. i hate myself from bringing this to you. i hate how you still love me.

this is my reply to you... i am not going to reply to your email. i'm sorry. if you don't read this then... then you just didn't. but i can't reply to you. i'm sorry. i can't prolong this. i don't know why. i don't know what i'm doing anymore.

hafiz,
i'm sorry. i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry. i don't know what to say anymore. i just feel like shit. i can't breathe. it hurts. everything hurts. i just wish things were different. you are such a beautiful person. why did i stop falling? i don't know. blame it on time. if time could stand still, we can forever be encapsulated in that one beautiful moment where we looked at the same thing with love and held hands under cover. but time is constantly moving and changing. i hate time. i hate it for changing me. i want to make you happy. but i can't be with you. i can't live undefinitely. i can't be with you hoping for a something that can never come. and my needs changed. i just can't. i don't know what i'm saying.

and hafiz, the song is don henley, sometimes love just ain't enough. and it isn't. especially not mine. it's not the love like yours. don't settle for less. cuz i am giving you less. if i take you back, it will be for completely selfish reasons. i cannot be selfish anymore. i can't tie you down to a relationship where the giving is one- way and the love isn't equal.

me: I don't wanna lose you
I don't wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
you: And i don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But i don't wanna be the one to cry
us: That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool i keep losing my place
And i keep seeing you walk through that door

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

you: Now i could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
me: Yes i may have hurt you
But i did not desert you
Maybe i just wanna have it all
us: It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change

And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where i used to lay

there. that's the song i made you hear on my laptop. don't die a slow death. live a joyful life. please don't make me your life. i have gone past honoured and flattered to ashamed. i don't deserve you.

hafiz. don't hope. at least not for me. i am impossible. i am too different. we belong to two different world and lives. the only thing we had in common was love. but mine changed and though yours is still there, i can't reciprocate it like i used to. i'm sorry. i can't stop hurting though. if it matters at all. that it hurts. that you're not HERE. you're there. but i want you to laugh and smile like you used to. like the way you did before you met me.

i'll pray for you. i'll pray to Him that He gives you what you rightly deserve. maybe He'll make me fall for you and have you out of love with me by then. that's what i call karma.

just when i thought i was ok. i met hana at holland vee and i finally managed a laugh. it felt like a different lifetime that i felt sincerely happy. lately i'm just a prententious mass of bollocks laughter.

~~hafiz, i love you. i really do. just not the way you want it to be. and hence, you deserve better.~~

from the good old days. john donne; the expiration.

Go ; and if that word have not quite killed thee,
Ease me with death, by bidding me go too.
Or, if it have, let my word work on me,
And a just office on a murderer do.
Except it be too late, to kill me so,
Being double dead, going, and bidding, "Go."

i got a new boyfriend!

and he's perfect.

Name: Nakata
Age: 23
Sign: gemini
Favourite colour: black
Favourite band: Beatles
Turn- ons: brown eyes and black hair
Hobbies: soccer, making music, political issues, Reading, writing
etc.: loves cats loves rock

we have had little conversation but he's a charmer. some of the few charmers he has said is, "can i steal a kiss?", "let's cuddle.", "how did you get so gorgeous?" and my personal fave, "I wish I wasn't stuck on this screen. I'd love to get closer to you."

altogether now: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw...

click: http://www.gurl.com/play/myo/pages/0,,626944,00.html

no, you don't have to tell me i've lost it. i know i've lost it. i always know, remember? only this time i know what i lost.

silver lining

i woke up today telling myself, no i won't think about him nor write about him. buthabitdieshard.
-------------------------------------------------
there was a space of 45 minutes between that line and this. i am losing it.

so. i was saying. silver lining...

this will provide me closure. knowing something good came out of this. and judging from the amount of non- singaporeans reading this blog, i can safely say that this is an international message. to all the girls of the world:

lesson to be learnt, don't let go of your sweet dear boyfriend no matter how suffocating he has become. talk it out, work it out. cuz it's easy to unsuffocate him and you, but when you split and you're all alone, no one can stop you from choking on your own tears. good guys are hard to come by. for a reason. that reason being girls like me. don't be me.

the picture of the many girls were all individually drawn not cut-n-paste. cuz though we are all girls (pink!), we are all unique (some got longer arms, etc.).

and i used pink to draw girls to show how anti- fiza i am today.

i feel like staying in my dorm forever. i could be the female rip van winkle. younger and dumber. :)

i can hear my stomach rumbling. but i'm not hungry. i just realized that yesterday i had 1/8 of a roti john, 2 spoons of spaghetti and 2 bites of double cheeseburger. nope. appetite is not word of the day.

he really hasn't called or messaged or anything. it's a first. he was always the one who breaks "breaking up" rules. then again, i was the one who let him go. oh go away hafiz go away! HAH TO YOU TOO.

i don't want to come out today. even this room feels too big. (and you all know the size of dorm rooms.) i just want enough space for me to sit hugging my knees. ok, and maybe a lil' space for my baby.

i think i shall pour all my love on my iBook. since it's the only thing i can love unconditionally. living things are too scary.
they come and go.

------------------------ 3.12 p.m. am listening to firehouse love of a lifetime. and i am so scared that i might have just missed it. or passed it. but hey, if it's meant to be it's meant to be. and this one just.plain.wasn't.

i can't have

nyeh.

so i'll settle for

to give me happiness.

you're looking right at the person who just won the auction of cake; fashion nugget cd. for 15 smackeroos. :)

you know what that means? don't have to go

and buy it from boy- who- now- thinks- i'm- lesbo. :D

had a fun saturday. met alot of people again. maybe meeting alot of people will distract me from the fact that i am never meeting the one person i haven't met in a lifetime of loneliness.

hakim (one of the many i met) asked me today; why did you and hafiz end? i was dumbstrucked for awhile... i never really thought about it. over the months the reasons (and excuses) just kept piling that i lost sight of it's real cause. then i said what every single girl says: we wanted different things. which is true. he wanted me, love and happily ever after. i wanted me, freedom and a selfish lifestyle. wow. didn't know it was that simple.

despite all this, i still won't go running back to you cuz i know you deserve better. and my feeling sorry for losing such a wonderboy is not a good enough excuse. if we're getting back together, it has to be because i am in love. unfortunately, we both know the answer to that.

he said, "i'm sorry i loved you so much."

.............. sigh. i will only take that from you. only because it is so true. though it killed me. "i'm just one of your many exes now." sadly, that is true, too. that's all you are now. statistic. which is not right cuz your more than just an ex. you were a heartbeat, a component of the air i breathe, a watt of the light in my eye, the shine in my smile. but all this sounds like bullshit to you now. "stop redeeming yourself fiza. damage's done."

i know. i'll shut up. please hate me. cuz it'll hurt more if you still love me despite me being, well, me.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

i.want.to.cry.

i read this and it reminded me of the belo one and how i used to ask him, "why do you love me?" and he would umm and ahh and always said, "dunno la. because you're you la." and i never thought it was enough. i always felt slightly disappointed that he wasn't like those men who can charm and sweet- talk their way into anything and lavish me senseless with compliments.

Lady : Why do you like me..? Why do you love me?

Man : I can't tell the reason.. but I really like you..

Lady : You can't even tell me the reason...how can you say you like me? How can you say you love me?

Man : I really don't know the reason, but I can prove that I love you.

Lady : Proof? No! I want you to tell me the reason. My friend's boyfriend can tell her why he loves her but not you!

Man : Ok..ok!!! Erm... because you are
beautiful,

because your voice is sweet,

because you are caring,

because you are loving,

because you are thoughtful,

because of your smile,

because of your every movements.

The lady felt very satisfied with the man'sanswer. Unfortunately, a few days later, the Lady met with an accident and became comma. The Guy then placed a letter by her side, and here is the content:

Darling,

Because of your sweet voice that I love you...

Now can you talk? No! Therefore I cannot love you.

Because of your care and concern that I like you..

Now that you cannot show them, therefore Icannot love you.

Because of your smile,

because of your every movements that I love you..

Now can you smile? Now can you move?

No, therefore I cannot love you...

If love needs a reason, like now, there is noreason for me to love you anymore.

Do love need a reason? NO!

Therefore, I still love you...

And love doesn't need a reason.

..................... why now. why do i always learn lessons too late? was this His way of showing me, see, this is how sincere hafiz was to you?

cuz i know he was. i know he does. i know he is. i also know yesterday, i officially killed anything else that we can possibly have. he said, "i'm sorry la. but we can't be friends anymore. it'll hurt too much." i just mumbled along.

i can't say anything. i have put up walls a long time ago because i know with you, there is not likely a future and to hope for one and not get it is suicide. but i'm sorry i couldn't say anything to comfort you or even thank you for being you.

cuz that's what you were. you were wonderful being you. you were not the best boyfriend around but you were the best person you could be, to me. you gived me your all without thinking whether you'll have any to yourself at the end of the day. and i sapped it all in selfishly, usually not giving you even half of me. it was a collision of it's worst kind. even now when i'm sick or depressed or feeling unsafe, the first person i think of is you cuz you were a pillar so strong i knew you would never crumble.

but yesterday you left. you didn't crumble. i took that pillar and decided my structure didn't need it anymore. maybe now all i can do is watch my stupid structure crumble.

i just wish things were different. how different, i don't know. but i wish i didn't hurt you. i wish i didn't read that thing up there. i wish i didn't find out today that true love doesn't need a reason. i wish i didn't realize today, how your love was so true. i also know today, i am ungrateful.

i hate girls like me. who don't know what they have till it's gone. well, here i come stupidgirls anonymous.

goodbye love. i'm sorry i'm stupid.

~~i.am.crying.~~

after years of living alone, i thought i mastered the art of solitude. today i learnt loneliness first hand. loneliness is sobbing loudly in the dorm room made for one thinking about how stupid you are to let love go.

sudden surge of self- empowerment

am calling this one one-ness.

excerpts from Even God is Single by Karen Salmansohn;

1. In the beginning, there were no stairmasters or low-fat-high-fiber muffins, and so people lived to only about 40-something. Maximum.

Meaning? The pressure was on to get married before age 25. However, today, thanks to medical advances (and the fine line of SnackWell products) we can all hope to live to age 80. Easy.

Meaning? Even if we get married at age 40, that's still 35, 45, even 55 years to be with a mate. Plenty of time to be married. And divorced? What's the hurry?

2. Married people are not necessarily better catches simply because they were caught. I mean, have you taken a look at some of the married people out there? Hitler got married. Frankenstein got married. Linda Tripp got married. Obviously married people are not superior people.

3. Meanwhile, look at some of our cool single role models:
Catwoman: single.
Buddha: single.
Aphrodite: single.
The Lone Ranger. Actually, all superheroes are single: Superman, Wonder Woman, Dudley Do-Right, etc.

4. Then there's The Ultimate Superhero -- God. Also single. And God is even a single-parent household.

5. It's easy to become married. 2.3 million people do it a year. If you want to pressure me to become something, hey, why not pick something a little more challenging? Like an astrophysicist.

in year 1 post- imran, i went through a girl power iamsostrongandcapablelookatmemensuck phase. i came up with these phrases:

Singlehood rocks. It's written on the pavement. (This is a slogan photo- editted on a pic of my squatting near a pavement.)

Being single is a state of mind.

Singlehood is a choice not a status.

now i moved beyond that and straight into, aiya, lazy la boifrenboifren. wait break how? so messy. sian la...

deep.

Friday, February 04, 2005

bags of emotions

first off, joy. met firr, hakim, azzah and kak zarinah today. oh and steph chua. i laughed alot with firr, sniggered alot with hakim, tried to keep a straight face when talking to azzah and talked more with kak za. :)

next, relief. i realize now where i stand and where we stand and instead of resounding disappointment and hurt, i am relieved. maybe because of the great uncertainty surrounding my feelings for you. with this, i can now smile and just enjoy your company without thinking or worring about hidden agendas.

electrified. cuz firr made me laugh so much! i never had so much fun and i am being honest. sorry to anyone who gets hurt by that line. but i honestly did. i see our friendship going far beyond these years. :)

exasperated. i told you a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time ago we're over. now if breaking up with you doesn't mean we're over i don't know what does. i'm sorry i failed to become what i promised to be. i'm sorry i made all those promises that i can't keep. i'm sorry i couldn't just be straight with you and told you i don't love you the way i used to anymore. how could i when you said, "i know you still love me..." how do you stab a person when he's laughing? i tried to crawl away. i'm sorry i took the coward's way out. i was too ashamed and afraid of your reaction if you know how much i've changed. which is why though i feel cowardly for having you find things out through this blog, i'm glad you found out anyway. like i said, humans change. i changed. my needs changed. maybe you didn't but i can't keep caring about you. yes, despite the fact you make me your world, i can't make you mine cuz that's just not how i do it. i am sorry you're not happpy, cuz all i want is for you to be happy, albeit without me. but i can't lie and say i am not happy now.

sigh. emotions emotions. on the other hand, i got myself a pretty skirt (I'M A GIRL! WOW!) and facial care products (I'M A GIRL! WOW!). hahahaha.

ok later.

i titled this, lovekills. i have found a new love; appleworks paint. it is so much fun. and it has distracted me from doing my essay dued tomorrow. bad, bad, bad.

but i am pleased. i like the picture i made. very real. very me.

Looks like I get you off of my mind
But I can't
Just the thought of you
My love
My whole world turns
Misty blue
Oooh no I can't
No I can't
I can't forget you
- Monica; Misty Blue.

~~i re- read the conversations we make and i replay the laughs we share.~~

this is strong. stronger than anything i felt before. it is something new and hence, it scares me.

hana said she has never seen me this happy about a guy. usually, it's wham bam whoops there he goes.

this feels different. that's not necessarily good. i want it to go away. hah.

today a friend discovered news that a guy who's been asking her out was actually still seeing his ex. and yesterday, he asked her back. the cheek!

the guy, of course, is good- looking.

i hate assholes. assholes scares me. and so far from the experiences of those close to me, these assholes were always good- looking.

that's why, you scare me even more.

today it felt so strong i teared. yeech.

---------------------------------- editted.

it's 4.11 a.m. now. i have JUST decided on the question i am doing for my essay due today in a 12 hours time. me no stunt woman name for nothing, no.

i am just so contented cuz i am listening to an online radio station that plays OLD SONGS 24/7. ooooooooh love. am listening to cyndi lauper. just now was elvis. anita o'day. am waiting for my beatles. ok now i WILL DO MY ESSAY.

shucks man. i am treading on a thin rope again, even after what happened last sem. goes to show, i never learn. *wry smile*

Thursday, February 03, 2005

ohmygod. i feel like a total blockhead. the cable got caught in my chair and as i wheeled back to take my notes, i dragged the cable with me and i turned in time to watch my laptop fall sideways to the floor. *shock horror flabberghasted terror* MY HEART STOPPED BEATING AND THE OPEN WINDOW SUDDENLY LOOKED LIKE A VERY WELCOMING MODE OF EXIT.

sheesh. fortunately, nothing's really wrong or damaged from external view but just in case, i am bringing my poor baby to the Apple Centre at Funan the I(nhale-me-you-die)T(oilet) Mall. i am taking no chances. oh god i am so sorry my dear baby. god. i am such a horrid human. argh. i feel suicidal. how can i drop my baby?!!! imagine!! dropping your baby! argh!

i am so sending you to be fixed my dearest i am so terribly sorry you so did not deserve to be ill- treated at all, much less dropped. you have been a wonderful life partner and i am so sorry for being so horribly ignorant to your needs. i promise after typing my two essays i will clean you up, switch you off and send you to the clinic tomorrow. oh my poor baby! i hope you can find it in you to forgive me. OH MY GOD THE SCREEN IS SLIGHTLY TILTED. SHITTTT I AM HORRIBLE.

i feel like shit. urgh. my heart just stopped and i felt like crying. really really crying. boo hoo hoo.

then the irony hit me. humourlessly...

if only i felt this way for humans.

what am i gonna do while i'm looking at you you're standing ignoring me

*wags eyebrow* HEAVEN FOR ELEVEN SMACKEROOS. currently top bidder. i won't tell which site or anything else in case some wanker outbids me. i heart beatles hen tuo! (excuse the kerplunk han yu pin yin. never did pass my mandarin during kindergarten days.)

i hitched a ride with my soul by the side of the ride just as the sky turned black, i took a walk with my fame down memory lane, i never did find my way back. -Hey now!, oasis.

shall now head to holland vee to meet my 100000009th lesbian partner, hana. hahaha. i am still in oasis mode. today i shall complete my 2 assignments due tomorrow. whee hee hee. if i ever go britain, and someone asks me where i'm from, i'll go, "i'm from singapore! that country you colonized!" :D

and time as it stands won't be held in my hands or living inside my skin, and as it fell from the sky i asked myself why

can i never let anyone in?

hamming it up for the first day of school. heh. just felt like posting this. i still can't make myself feel better. am listening to beatles. i still feel nyeh. if beatles can't solve this, this is pretty big. hmm.

i guess the time was right for us to say, we'd take our time and live our lives together day by day

to prove how out of sorts i was, read the entry below. i was DISTRACTED, DISTRAUGHT and at a loss of WORDS. FIZA. miss i- can't- shut- up- please- help- me, was at a LOSS of WORDS.

but i am fine now. :D

today was actually a good day... i don't know why. i feel a bit nyeh.

haha. maybe cuz today, after a VERY long time, i didn't smile and laugh to myself. haha. and that makes me sad. hahaha. i want to look psychotic and laugh to myself while i walk alone can?!

there's alot to smile about still... today feels off. maybe cuz i am losing points. (hana! your fault!)

well. today. hmm. morning class. then lunch with ling and gurpreet. surprisingly nice chat. but uh, halfway through a very dramatic story by gupreet, i got a msg that made me so gleeful...

I STOOD UP AND WENT TO A RANDOMLY EMPTY SPACE IN GECKO AND JUMPED UP AND DOWN WITH THE ATHLETIC BOUNCE ONLY A LONG- JUMPER CAN HAVE.

ecstasy.

so there you go. and ling said, "fiza, everytime i go gecko with you you do something crazy." haha.

this was lunch hour but i couldn't help it. haha. silly me.

then after that was suntec city with mons for some window- shopping. went tower records to look for my GONE WITHOUT A TRACE cake cd- fashion nugget.

"excuse me, would you happen to have cake's fashion nugget?" (i know sounds like a very crazy sentence but hey it's me mah.)

"oh uh. no... don't think so. that one very old la!"

" er ya. umm do you have any idea when it will be in stock?"

*walks over to higher ranked colleague, whisper, whisper* "oh around this week! *beams* or next week ah. but will come."

"oh ok! *beams* thanks!"

later.

"sorry bout the cd."

"huh? oh no la it's ok."

"oh wow you like beatles?"

*clutching to 3 beatles anthology albums* "erm ya."

"wah really? style seh! how old are you?"

*senses danger* "uh 20."

"wah so young and you listen to beatles? and cake? i like your musical tastes. *smiles*"

"heh heh. oh er thanks. alot of people listen to beatles la. they're a wonderful band."

"eh? oh ok... where were you from? not working ah?"

*mentally slaps forehead* "haha no la still student. i would love to continue this conversation but unfortunately my girlfriend's waiting for me. *points at mons*"

"girlfriend?"

"*pretentious giggle* *stage whisper* I'M A LESBIAN."

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D i love me!

tower records boy if you read this (i doubt you do but oh hell), please forgive me. but that face. shucks. i never knew i was a jaw- dropper. haha.

anyhoos after that fun mons went to meet her boyfriend (i hope they didn't go tower records and give the boy a migraine or worse confront mr mons and tell him his girlfriend was lesbian 30 minutes ago) and i walked to funan IT mall to meet kimmymimmybobimmy.

er hakim.

haha anyway yes. mp3 hunting we were. and he striked a conversation with every single salesperson. he scared one boy by going, "hey hello how are you?" upon entering the shop. the boy had the, "do i know you" face. hahaha.

at courts we spent about an hour talking to very friendly salesman darren who told me black bra and white tee= contrast and part of grooming class so hakim should buy orange mp3 cuz it contrast with the usual coloured clothes. UHUH. snippets of the conversation include,

"i like tanned girls. they look healthier."

"i like small breasts. eh eh cover her ears la!"

"if he no future then you stay with him you more jia lat what!"

"i ask you ah, if you wear orange briefs instead of white or black briefs, which one you think will catch your girlfriend's attention? will make her feel more kinky?"

"wah she so smart no wonder you come with her la. you hopeless la."

"of course it's a creative catalogue la! wah you read read flip flip until now then you know it's all creative products ah?"

"i tell you ah, creative are all IDIOTS you know. their things ah, all almost the same you know! then $20- 30 difference."

"aiya looks won't last forever..."

"ok ok i will pray for you that you won't get civil defence k. then me and your girlfriend will pray you get commando or what kene tekan until must wipe your encik backside."

"you think got singapore idol 2 or not ah? i think i want to join."

there's more where those came from but uh ya. that's all i can bother to type. and FOR THE RECORD, they were all by mr darren, super friendly courts salesman. SHEESH.

it was fun though. haha. what's new.

then at macs i was cold. so i told kim i wanna sit outside. he didn't want. his friend came to chat for a while. i said i want to sit outside again. he went ok ok wait. then a girl came over and gave me a cup of warm water and said here take this you're really cold. and she pointedly look at hakim and said take care of your SISTER.

................................................................

WAHAHAHAHAHAHA. i thanked her profusely while kim tried to look not paiseh and said er ya ok thanks ah. me: ok. that was embarassing.

hahahahahahaaha. to that girl wherever you are, thanks for caring. you are such a wonderful stranger.

we of course, ended up sitting outside. haha. at one point he commented on the girl. i said, yeah it's good to know a stranger cares for me more than my own friend. kim: eh relax la! *starts defending himself* me: haha aiya go get your food la.

i think kim never got 'told off' by a stranger like that before. i think he was pretty stunned. then again so was i.

after lunchinner at macs we walked to fort canning park. it was his FIRST time! i wanted to show him the keramat but he was lazy. nyeh. his loss.

wanted to arm- wrestle with me. i swear something's wrong with that boy.

then walked to fort canning green which he recognized cuz he went there for ballet under the stars before. i said, must be your friend went, asked you along, you got free ticket. correct? him: how you know. me: -_-. puhleese. why else would boys like you watch BUTS? at this point he attempts a psyeudo- strangle. again; HUH.

then we sat on the bench along the green... and talked. and laughed at a colony of ants. not at sorry. about. yea. laughing about ants. and he told me mosquitos got.. er... 30 teeth? forgot la. how many ah kim? hahaha.

that day he asked, which animal has the longest orgasm? me: *cringes* elephant? him: -_-. just because an elephant never forgets ah. then forget got orgasm then go on and on right. WAHAHAHAHA. er it's lions, as it turned out.

actually he asked more animal- esque questions but i can't remember them now. i swear the trip to the zoo has ruined him for life.

uhm well back to today. yea. so after the talk and laughs at fort canning, walked to forum to visit the loo a much- deserved visit. then went our separate ways. me to teach tuition. science test for her tomorrow. i am nervous. haha.

oh yea. funan IT mall toilet had a malfunctioned air freshener. so the entire air content in the enclosed space of the restroom was thick with chemical! i choked and coughed my way out. now my throat feels like sandpaper. boo toilets!

see. another example of how technology has impeded and harmed rather than help us. nyeh. ironically, it happened at the Information Techonology mall. HAH.

see to make up for the loss of words of just now, i have rambled aimlessly here. :)

i am convincing myself nothing went wrong today. but i can't. something did.

i think it was you.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

my mum called and had a cow cuz she thinks i am not sleeping and eating well and yadayadayada. haha. ok mum.

"you must drink more soup!"

i just find that line hilarious. haha.

anyway today. went mp3 scanning with kim. i dunno why i keep telling him ghana stories. cuz ghana is just so funny la. haha.

then went for tuition.

i am feeling contented. just. calm. but. haiyaaa. sinking feeling is there.

i scare myself sometimes. i am so fickle and contradictory. haha. and yet i can claim i understand myself. goes to show i am plain mad.

ok. i am staying single la sara. you wait and SEE.

the wheels on the bus went round and round

i'm trying to rationalize myself. i am beyond help. i am beyond. beyond. i am too far across the line. help. should i? would he know? what would he think? does he want to?

SHIT.

peter gabriel sang, i... i love it when you sing to me. and you... you can sing me anything.

and it's true. you can sing me things i don't understand and it will still send me to a state of euphoria.

tempted.tempted.tempted.ihateyouforhavingtheoneupnow.

should i? should i give in? will it make you think i'm easy? cuz dammit you have me wrapped round your fingers. if only you knew it.

or do you? is this what this is about? seeing how wrapped i am in you?

i want to be so many things. but i also want to be one of the many things you want.

is this just a game? does this game lead me anywhere? should i hope? set the rules for me cuz i am blindly playing along without knowing what i am in for.

Please help me, i’m falling
And that would be sin
Close the door to temptation
Don’t let me walk in
For i mustn’t want you
But, darling, i do
Please help me, i’m falling
In love with you

Dolly Parton; Please Help Me (I'm Falling)

the further i spiral down, the scarier the ride.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

i'm at that point of time in my life where;

i feel like i'm 8 years old and the cute boy from next class has loaned me his eraser.

i want to giggle and go on and on and on talking about that one boy.

i listen to full albums from my lower secondary days and go into punky- jump- around- room mode and sing along to blur and oasis and thirdeyeblind.

i realize i got 3 papers due by friday and i am still smiling and laughing my life away.

i eat more. (definitely a sign of happiness. i'm a mood- based eater.)

i am suddenly more friendly to everyone. made lots of new friends this week alone.

i look at the night sky and grin to myself.

i feel young, see.

i want to keep talking about him. over and over and over again.

after updating sara on the latest in my life, we laughed a little then went quiet. halfway through lecture, she placed a firm hand on my bag (which was on my lap) and ominously said,

"don't get attached."

with an extremely serious facial expression and a graver tone.

i told her i won't. and the minute i said it, i know i won't. i want to be single for at least a year. please let me have that. cuz at first i set it at 4 years. but that seems mighty impossible for now.

i broke up in june. but i'll give myself till august. so yea. potential suitors, contact me 1st august onwards only, k? hahaha.

sara says she's scared i'll get attached cuz i seem happy. i told her i am. as long as i remain single. ahaks.

oh and sara doesn't take shit from no one. i mean, NO ONE. she'll grunt and scowl at people giving flyers along the arts walkways, she's yell at random people who annoy her. haha. no la she isn't as tyrannical as it sounds. just don't get on her nerves la.

UNFORTUNATELY.

hahahaha. someone who shall remain unnamed, bumped into sara today. like, REALLY bump. and apparently her bag is very heavy or big or strong or something cuz sara went,

"OW! BITCH!"

wahahahaha. now all this wouldn't be as funny as the fact that...

the girl is someone who doesn't like me. she thinks i'm a bitch, and i won't bother refuting that.

BUT IT WAS DAMN FUNNY CAN! SARA CRACKS ME UP! ahahaha.

when i told sara who she was she was like, "oh shit are you in trouble?" hahaha. cuteness.

anyway deviance lecture later at 4. almost skipped it to meet someone. but i decided not to. i am so proud of myself. haha. bear with me.

i give up. i cannot stop falling. i just hope someone breaks this fall or it's gonna really hurt when i hit the ground and you're not there.

*melts*

i
am
melting
into
a
puddle
of
mishmash
on
the
floor
.
.
.
.

it'sallyourfault.

another classic malay song. rock bebeh. wacayasamalu.

Bloodshed

Srikandi Cinta Ku

Dingin malam tirai kenanganku
Menyerlahkan sekurun ingatan
Tercsiptalah rimba kehidupan
Percintaan dalam perjuangan

Kesetiaan sebagai bekalan
Bisikan penuh pengharapan
Tiada garis dapat memisahkan
Segalanya kudratMu Tuhan

Alam bagai mengerti
Segala yang terjadi
Embun menitis panas simpati
Pertemuan tiada awal akhir

Perutusan berdarah ku terima
Gugur kuntum di tengah halaman
Medan ini kurasakan sepi
Terpaku pilu

Ku semaikan pepohon kemboja
Yang bunganya adalah hati ku
Semadilah dalam kedamaian
Semangatku tetap bersamamu

Kan kuusung oh! jenazah cinta
Semadikan nisan kasih suci
Semangatmu tetap bersamaku
Selama pasti

Debu malam meragut kenangan
Menyedarkan dari lamunanku
Percintaan dalam perjuangan
Kau abadi Srikandi Cintaku

*sways lighter in the air* wah damn feeling can! oh. and a song from shall we dance soundtrack that is simply LOVE. kim sent it to me. thanks doll.

Peter Gabriel

Book of Love

The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing
But I
I love it when you read to me
And you
You can read me anything
The book of love has music in it
In fact that's where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb
But I
I love it when you sing to me
And you
You can sing me anything
The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know
But I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
You ought to give me wedding rings