being obscure clearly.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

sometimes i feel like i've exhausted my list... i went through it all and i still have not found it.

maybe i think too far. i'm still young right? but when you are so sure that you don't believe in love, it's hard to believe that the future holds something better.

"maybe you have not met the right guy..."

it doesn't matter. cuz now even if i do meet him, i wouldn't want him. i don't want love. did you read that.

i don't want love.

any love that comes my way i want to push it away and give it back to the person cuz i am feeling so emotionally barren right now.

it's not about the right guy. if you don't believe in love, you can't have love.

i don't believe in love.

i don't want to know anymore. i am so tired. of living. of breathing. of thinking. of feeling.

sometimes i wish i believed in love. but would that mean a knight in shining armour coming up a.s.a.p. and sweeping me off my feet?

i don't think so. i don't want immediate results. but i don't want anymore mistakes. i don't want anymore failures. i don't want anymore broken hearts and promises.

i wish i knew what i need. what i want. here's the man i want.

he's got to be tall, tall enough to execute my perfect hug. this i believe and many would agree, is my most difficult requirement. the perfect hug is the tie- breaker. the IT. the X- factor. he could be everything else i want but no perfect hug, no go.

he's got to be witty. smart. sharp. intelligent. fun- loving. sporty. smiley. funny. happy. responsible. able to lead. understand me. accept me. me as a whole. i want someone whom i think is my soulmate, my bestest friend in the world, who will joke with me and not always be in husband or boyfriend mode.

he is so perfect that i cried my way home tonight cuz i know.

he doesn't exist.

and that's not the worst.

cuz i only want him. and if i can't have him, i don't want anything else. i don't settle for less.

so i am basically gonna die alone and rotting in my home, possibly with a cat. and nobody would know i died.

what a pretty picture i paint.

i think the drama ensues... very haltingly... but it definitely has begun.

i don't want to think. if it's true he likes me, i pray to god he keeps it to himself.

if it's not, then thank god.

went to town. went back with him. and i bought a devil's horn! whee.

Monday, November 29, 2004

suddenly i am very jittery.

i am as jumpy as a jackrabbit. i am so nervous. is there a mess? don't know. is there anything at all? also don't know. how to know? i don't know. what's new? nothing. i didn't do anything wrong but they're all pointing fingers and telling me to stop. stop what you say. your guess is as good as mine's.

argh. i need to UP my READING BOYS' GESTURES radar by a trillionfold.

too many men. really. i can't wait to go thailand. coward that i am. faizal, runaway to PD. now, runaway to thailand. power la fiza. you rock.

you CHICKEN.

back from jalan raya...

with the hockey girls and hafiz... who left after yan's house and hakim who came from my house which was before yan's.

am tired. and hana, if you're reading, the drama you predicted last sunday (drama in my life) may just about begin. tonight. haaaaaaa. TONIGHT. not begin tonight. but things happened tonight. aiya wait i tell you la.

anyhoos. nights.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

i forgot how much i love beatles. and you

i had the bestest day in the history of my life. this beats a levels result day, USP acceptance, NUS + NTU acceptance. i would not have swop places with even THE KING OF ARABIA. nyahaha.

I WENT TO WATCH BEATELS! nope. no spelling error. they are the best BEATLES tribute band hailing from Down Under and they were in SG to perform on the 26th and 27th.

i went tonight. well last night since it's midnight now. 27th nov 2004 goes down in history as the HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

i am so deeply in love with beatles now. i will never get to see them perform live... beatels was the closest i got to it and god. the rush. i feel electric just thinking about it.

it was the beauty of beatles music... that brought together so many people! there was a couple in kurung and baju melayu (i kid you not), the usual ang mohs, the tai- tais, the uncle aunties, the yuppies, the makcik and family, the couples, the kids in funky wigs... god. it was a psychedelic night to revel and remember.

they played in 2 segments. 60s and 70s. and for the 60s segment, they played all their rock and roll hits that resulted in people getting up to dance, me and beloness included. (btw i'm proud to declare hafiz a convert. he likes beatles too now. whee! :D)

then 70s hits... all the stoning songs... mannnnnnn. i just had the fantastickest day of my life. my life. MY LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. beatels, you have made me so happy.

all this while i thought hafiz wasn't capable of being hafiz. when with me he tend to wilt and become melted plastic that i needed to mould. today, he led the way and he was himself and he enjoyed what i enjoyed. tonight i bonded with hafiz. tonight i think i love hafiz. :)

i love beatles. with every ml of blood that runs through my veins. i.love.beatles.

thank you beloness for the great time. we had popcorn, cotton candy, sprite and briyani dam. at the gig. how cool is that? ;)

and we bought a rolled up mat that i will keep forever and ever in remembrance of this electrical night that brought me so much closer to the brink of hysteria and just a tip from pumelling down below the deep darkness and just end up wallowing in my beatle songs. doesn't sound like a bad idea. at.all.

i am too happy. beyond words. BEATLES. I LOVE YOU. ok. and life is so gorgeous. especially that stadium waterfront where the BEATELS- A PSYCHEDELIC EXPERIENCE was held. we were by the bay... there were lights in the distant. romantic setting, superb music, great company.

my life surprises me by being so nice sometimes... :)

Thursday, November 25, 2004

i am so smitten.

taufik, i thought you were just another RnB sing- along mat in a trucker cap and baggy jeans.

tonight you proved me wrong. you spoke of your mum with love and emotions that seared the screen.

you have my votes, my faith in your talent and more importantly, my respect.

i'ma gonna start this entry by talking a walk back to old days.

when both me and hana- ness were both swinging solos or just unwantedly single on her case, we used to classify bad things in our lives as; SHIT HAPPENS.

hence, i came up with a theory that life is like a toilet bowl. and it depends who sits on it. some gets hygienic ones who cleans and flushes and uses harpic and whatnots.

but bottomline, SHIT WILL HAPPEN.

i always knew a gargantua sat on mine. a gargantua who has constipation. he shits rare but when he shits, oooooh it pours.

and so.

today. well yesterday since it's 2.41 a.m. now.

24.11.04. finally. my soci finals. that i slogged and mugged for.

4.30 p.m. mense cramp hits.

5.15 p.m. paper commenced 15 minutes ago and i'm breaking into a cold sweat. not nervous. just pain.

5.22 p.m. i excused myself to get outside. cuz i was seriously breaking into cold f**king sweat.

5.30 p.m. i went to the toilet to puke. i guess i was out for too long. an invigilator entered the toilet, heard me vomitting, told examiner i/c, they called medics, long story short.

i was told to leave the examination room.

they sent me to UHWC where the doctor deemed me "aiyoooooooh! you are so unfit for exams!"

letter sent, MC signed. done.

before i left todd ames whispered to me behind the registrar office woman's back, haha, that he wants to set a re- exam for me, even if it's me alone. but it's up to the registrar to grant me the re- exam. if not i have to appeal. all else fails, i retake the module.

after the whole clinic shit i waited for hafiz roslee (not limbelo) to finish the same paper cuz my bag was in his car. poor dude didn't even know i missed the paper. didn't wanna scare him.

eddie msged and asked how was soci. and that did it. so much effort so much pain so much of everything, and it just fails me. again. (am referring to last A levels whereby i fell sick for my best paper. was puking (dejavu, anyone?) and in a cold sweat too. hmm.) my body fails me when i need it most. beauty.

i cried. then i msged him to say i didn't finish the paper. he asked what happened. i told him. and asked him why this. all the time. why me. he replied:

"u r a very special person."

he sure knows how to make a girl cry. if this is special i'll rather be normal. sigh.

now i hope the registrar allows me a re- exam. or the dean allows my 37 done questions to be counted instead. anything but retake the module. seriously. this could be a challenge or a retribution from god, and i accept my fate. but please. not the whole module. not an extra module next sem. not one i studies so hard for. no no no.

i told my mum. and i showed her eddie's msg. and she cried too. she said sometimes she wish things will go all smooth for me too... but if so then i wouldn't be the person i am now.

as always, the mum's right.

so back to that gargantua up there... yeah. he didn't shit today. he had a diarrhea. nice one. *thumbs up*

it's beautiful how everything screws up with the blink of an eye.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

yesterday after my house and on the way to hana's, i talked to yan...

then the conversation turned to imran... and how he is... was... and might become...

i realize what yan and me both share is fondness... for that dude... "bile dah cakap- cakap gini rindu pulak budak gile tu..." (when we talk like this suddenly i feel like i miss that crazy boy.)

which is true. despite his shortcomings, imran himself was the bestest friend i ever had. i said it before i will say it again. he was my soulmate and no matter how many future best friends i may have, none replace the spot imran created for himself in my life.

we laughed. so much. whenever anyone say imran and fiza, many remember laughter. some remember our very violently passionate fights. i guess hot- blooded lovers are like that.

but when we were together... no one doubted our love. everyone who saw us knew we were in love. our passions often crossed each other's paths and resulted in good and bad things. our vigour and love for life often intersected and tend to collide in sparkly rivalry.

we were always smiling. we were colgate ads walking around. we seized our lives we dreamed big we don't settle for less. our stubborn- ness were equivalent and yet when we fight we apologize and call each to make up at the same time. :)

we sat at changi beach once. when we were friends. and he put his arms around me. even that was random. we were bored so we went tampines mall to eat burger king despite having one at westmall. then we decided to grab a bus... and went it went by changi beach, we alighted. we were always like that. succumbing to our whims and spontaneity. then we counted aeroplanes. and he pointed out the different airlines flying by. we didn't go near the waters. we talked about life. he talked about migrating. we wonder why the sept. 11 incident happened. then we went back by bus... took 67 back home. long bus ride... but we never stopped talking.

we wanted the same things. my god he was so confident he scared me at times. he was more sure of my intelligence than i ever was. he told me i could make it in jc though i wanted poly. i must reiterate to everyone now that if not for imran, i will not get good A Level grades nor be in NUS. these are big changes. he made them happened. whether or not it happened while he was still around doesn't matter.

he is the catalyst for many things. with him i found my identity. i became comfortable with myself and our sense of humour. we were loud, cheeky and in your face. we were rude, obnoxious and eccentric. we had crazy long cold wars and simple happy joys.

for a long time after he left... i was deflated. i didn't care bout my studies, i didn't care bout my face, i didn't care bout my health my life, anything. all i wanted for my birthday was him. everything in my life was about him. gradually i began to let go. he wasn't coming back. but i still loved him. i learned to love unconditionally from imran. i knew that to love wasn't to own. i loved him not because there was no one else to love, i loved him because i loved him.

then came 5th november. after the cold shoulder he gave for the past 5 months, i finally got to talk to him. and he told me he stopped loving me. a long time ago. the very thing i was afraid of hearing, i heard. and it didn't hurt. maybe because i guessed that much. but it still meant alot. that day i learnt to stop hoping. cuz hopes get crushed. again, he made me the pessimist i am now.

after he told me that, i still loved him. i was obstinate with my love. i believe that my love was sincere. and it wasn't ending easily. it wasn't easy, but it did end.

in late november and early december, my workplace started playing christmas songs. "all i want for christmas is you." and somehow, instead of thinking of imran, i was thinking of hafiz. he wormed his way into my life. we were good friends... he was there throughout the imran ordeal. i was there throughout his maisarah/ nadiah thing. few days before raya, we started pretending to be a couple cuz he wanted me to accompany him for an outing. pretend to be his girlfriend. turned out unnecessary but we went on with the charade. then miraculously, he decided that it was me. he wanted me. the next day, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

since then... it's almost been a year. with hafiz i tried to be the best. i let him loose. i refused to put strings on him. i tried to be patient. i tried to be so many things i was not. because i was grateful for him. after imran, i appreciated being loved more.

a year went by... and it waned off. i went into a new school. i met new people. hafiz became an irritant, a pest. i began to be annoyed by his company and wished he would leave me alone. i had became the ungrateful one.

i learnt. we went for a play on 16th feb 2003. me and hafiz. "confessions of three unmarried women." and there was a very important line i learnt there... "why do people stop loving? because they stop appreciating."

and it's true. i stopped appreciating. i tried to learn to appreciate him more. i do now. i am slowly learning to be grateful for his presence. and i am.

but he is not what i need now. i don't need anyone. but i do have an ideal in mind. then today my friend told me, "you have to drop that dream man in your mind. only then can you meet someone real."

but i also want the best for myself. i don't want to settle for less. hafiz is not less, but hafiz is safe. i don't want to be safe for the rest of my life. maybe later, but not now.

what i need now is singlehood. it's doing me good. maybe when i appreciate loneliness enough, i will appreciate hafiz's presence more.

to hafiz, i am sorry that i am an ungrateful person. you are truly wonderful and amazing for putting up with me. unfortunately, now is not the time. however, i truly care for you and i know you know that. and i do love you, in more ways than one. if things don't work out between us, i want you to know for all the hell i put you through, i was always in love with you.

to imran, where ever you are... i hope you're laughing and smiling like you always do. if you wanna come back, the spot you left is still vacant.

now that i've done my emo bit for the night, i shall sleep with an empty heart and a swollen mind.

Monday, November 22, 2004

back from the hari rayaness of pjc.

i'll let the pics speak for themselves.

am more than a little pooped right now. at one point there was 17 of us milling around. horror.

and according to hana, i might be having drama in my life. oooh fun. pffffft.

prepare for pics galore. :)

nights world. thanks for the great day.

us in all our bright pucuk banana- green- ness. with my bright pucuk banana green- ness bag in between. we shure blinded people that day.

the only decent shot from us. it went downhill from here. haha. each time i held a camera in front of us i went "ok! stupid face!" haha.

him adjusting his samping in the full public glory of the train. hahaha.he has samping issues. yearly.

bus ride to ruz's. i can't be too sure what he's trying to do. i didn't wanna ask.

me and hana- ness. she was smiling at her farhan suhada and i was smiling at my beloness. ah well.

the boys. enough said.

my face looks funny and it is an expression of bemusement and depression. hafiz was the cameraman. 'splains it all.

the two non- army dudes who couldn't assimilate into the 10 year long discussion on SAF and careers. whatever.

i told you it went downhill.

more samping issues. this time he got "professional" assistance. he tried. haha.

courtesy of nurain yang over- rajin, she just dumped the whole bottle of kuihs on us without putting it into those pretty nice canisters. i love that honesty in her. haha.

me n hana- ness. ghairah ye couple baru kita sepasang... ;)

we are incapable of normal faces. my deepest apologies to the traumatised.

our annual yearly hari raya pic. nyahaha. man we're BRIGHT.

group shot at my place. plastic smiles to disguise the exhaustion for being out more than 12 hours straight...

Sunday, November 21, 2004

as usual, blogger ate my entry. *eyes the blogger* you watch it with the eating thing.

i wrote about today but I'LL BE DAMNED to write it all over again.

TOMORROWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW awaits.

JALAN RAYA FOR THE PJC 02/ 03 BATCH. ALL CCAS/ STREAMS/ CLASSES. (RETAINEES INCLUDED.)

yeah yeah.

so if you see a bright pucuk banana green woman walking around with her bright pucuk banana green handbag and a beloness with his own bright pucuk banana green (if you notice the colour differentiation with the green yes that was intentional cuz absentminded me forgot the true colour of her kebaya when shopping for the beloness's and so we ended up buying him a baju melayu about five shades brighter so his is like a 100 watt neon while mine's a mere 40 watt. so now the belo one is worried he is too bright. tee hee. oh well. and UNLIKE POPULAR BELIEF, i wasn't intentionally trying to make him look silly. he doesn't need THAT much effort. nyahaha.) walking somewhere in the distance (cuz i'll be damned to blind the public tomorrow with our bright green- ness) do wave and say hi cuz that's the owner of the blog you're reading now.

i realize that the above SENTENCE is almost like a paragraph meaning VERY VERY long (i do go on you know) and is nearly incoherent due to all the parenthesis (what's! with! all! the! brackets!) but if you try you might make out what i'm trying to say. now read it s.......l..........o............w............l...........y...........

okthankyouandgoodbye.

another collage. of today's randomness. a gift, a cushion, my dress, and a ribbon from a gift. texture and colours. mmmm.

Friday, November 19, 2004

wah lao i am damn happy can!

taufik batisah is iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin la! i actually whooped out loud when gurmit said TAUFIK BATISAH! you rock la dey!

and though olinda is so much more talented than that little smiley flirt there, of course like all good shows, the charmer wins the talent. so it's sylvester and taufik.

however i am kinda happy that sly got to the finals instead of oli.

cuz like that,

SURE TAUFIK IS OUR FIRST SINGAPORE IDOL! YOU ROCK!

i am happy beyond reason. :D happyhappyhappy. MS paper over today and it was actually do- able. considering i got the readings for it (and only 1/4 of it) yesterday at 3 p.m., i'm surprised that i could manage to answer 4 of the questions when i only needed 2. not counting the compulsory one which was ok la.

i read notes from 3- 4.30 p.m. slept. then read from 5.3o- 8 p.m. with many eating breaks in between. then idol on 5. then studied again from 1- 3 a.m.with many msn breaks in between. done with readings i read my own tutorial notes till 5 a.m. slept. woke up at 11 a.m. to read and fell asleep at 11.15 a.m. then took the bus to school so that gave me 1.15 p.m. to 2.10 p.m. to read the lecture notes.

and whoosh into exam hall i go. que sera sera.

then it was town where hana gave me a goodbye prezzie. a red che guevara bag. :D thanks schweets. and i got myself a tee. and depending on the raya dosh inflow tomorrow, monday will be me in forever 21 buying that damn hot indie- rock curdoroy jacket.

ok la happy happy happy. i love taufik batisah. you rock la dey. power taremah. nyahaha.

click to enlarge. i call this my rainy bus ride collage. :) took 143 to town from school. funness.

saint hunger almanac

am starved. my stomach is making all sorts of interesting, fanciful noises. i just heard one that sounded like a glub. like a swallowed a big spoonful of mushroom soup. irony. i wish i could put a mic on it and tape it all down and listen to it when i'm 64. "this is my stomach! when i was 19! on 19th nov 04 when i got bored of reading MS and started blogging instead!"

i would like some mushroom soup. hmm. maybe arts canteen tomorrow. oh wait! erwin. supposed to meet me. hrmm. he's not online. bebalisma tersungguhnya ya.

hehe. MALAY STUDIES Y'ALL!!!!!! BEBALISMAAAAAAA WHOOOOOOOO! i rock!

ahem. heh. ok. ya. anyway bebalisma is basically a state of mind where you become bebal! BEBAL BEB! BODOH BISKUT BEBAL BENGAP SELENGE BACIN BELO NAK MAMPUS... they all mean the same. :D

a bit high. on starvation. it should be physically impossible to be hungry at such an odd hour but hey.

i was always a weird child.

oh i was telling firr that day how i was a dominatrix when small. more on that later. shall prowl the neighbourhood bins and homes for foooooood. nyahaha.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

taufik may serenade me anytime.

i might possibly have a crush on taufik and one day i'll imagine seducing him through ESP and he'll fall in love with me without ever seeing or knowing me.

but that's besides the point. he sang a fantastic Ain't No Sunshine. and i love true to your heart, and him too. and i was blown away by his rendition on This is The Moment. that was truly his moment. he's special and he's talented. i thought he was just another mat but when i found out he writes his own music and stuff, whuh whuh whoa. hats off to you, my man.

am mugging again. A Level days scream to be recalled.

sunday is jalan raya with pjc people. :) few or many, weirdos notwithstanding, i believe it'll be fun. "we each got our own shit to handle". haha.

first paper tomorrow. MS1101E. after 11 a.m. as of 19th Nov. 2004, fiza vouches never to go near any MS modules again. yeeeeeeech.

i am a happy person thanks to my new friend. but he's too quiet. i wish he could talk, instead of just looking at me with that sad face. i need a pet.

but those don't talk too. i need something! i need a baby. but that requires a father and a marriage and nothing scares me more than those two things. *shudder*

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

i finished my essay! it goes to show if the topic fascinates me... i took 4 hours to type out 12 pages about Esplanade; the Cultured Void.

and now i'll study for MS1101E which i will never think or go near again for the rest of my life as long as i live. horrid horrid horrid. the whole MS experience leaves a bad aftertaste on my tongue. a bit like wood's peppermint cough syrup.

today beloness carried my chunk of metal resembling a laptop around the whole of NUS while i settle the whole shit bout printing the essay and whatnot.

then i went for pizza with mum. oh i love beefballs!

and it makes me very very full.

i am very happy because i got a new friend. yesterday beloness gave me a new friend. i will post his picture here later. i like him cuz he's got big ears and is a good listener. and his sad face goes with my pessimistic view of life. :D and he's blue.

have fun guessing! will post this later. oh BTW new blog linked up on the side. :)

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

since when did eating kerepek give you a migraine?

it's so crisp and crunchy... and cheesy. and ORANGE!

i think all that munching... *clutches side of head* oww.

sigh. i can't get my engine running. should go pgp to study but that feels too much like self- torture...

at 2 p.m. i'm off to meet the beloness cuz he wants to buy a new hp. better than mine!!!! so just in case i'm bringing some hari raya dosh. in case i get tempted and upgrade my phone too. wahaha.

it's got a video function. i think. the one he wants. i want video function too! actually i want the 6220. issit? something like that. that one rocks.

ok procrastinating fiza is back. how the hell did i get those A level grades again? i lost it man. dang.

i miss eddie koh. maybe i can go beep him and i can complain to him bout sociology exposure module over brownies at gone fishin'. hmm hmm.

pee- jc jalan raya is on for 21st. that's this sunday. i think i'll just mass sms everyone. but i need to confer with hana and beloness and ruz who THEY have informed already. aiyaiyai.

hey power ranger! that stupid robot who kept saying aiyayaiyayai! alpha 65? no wait that's some trance group. mmmm... ALFALFA! right? eh. that one little rascal. damn what IS that robot's name?

well i remember the white dude. the white dude in the glass. who almost died in power ranger the movie. hahaha. GORDON. with his deep bass baritone. hoo hoo.

i wanna be your underwear!

i like that song. haha. i'm on msn now but i put my status as appear offline. some people are just irritating la... wouldn't want to be online and have them bombarding me with their incessant questions and pressurizing "eh how to study ah?" -_-

come on let's twist again! like we did last summer.. oooooooooooooh let's twist again, twisiting time is here!

ok. very random day.

Monday, November 15, 2004

i just typed a whole long entry bout today...

but blogger.com is an ass today and ate the entry.

as always,

too lazy to type. so ya. i'm happy family's happy all happy i love my family long day many visitors mugging and essay tomorrow.

k toodles.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

oh BTW. new blog. just for random thoughts and lyrics. i seem to be feeling poetic lately so i thought oh what the heck. a blog for my poems. and for lyrics that explains things better than my words can. just for those nights.

i am in such GREAT pain. sorrowful sorrowful PAIN.

why?

because at some point of time in some moron's life, HE (it HAS to be a HE) decided that "ooh! women should want to look taller! and the only way for that is, no not clothes with horizontal stripe, but HEELS! shoes, with HEELS! that can substitute for other sharp devices with it's long, skinny, elongated fine shape!" and heels it was, that made us look taller.

worst news was, women bought the idea and heels became a worldwide phenomenon and reached the nether regions of South East Asia whereby women traditionally wore CLOGS with their sarongs...

but NOOOO. now we INTENTIONALLY make our dresses and kurung extra long so that it accounts for the HEELS we'll be wearing. we CUSTOMISE our clothes to our HEELS not our HEIGHT. we let our lives revolve around these insidious HEELS.

and then on the first day of hari raya we all totter in all our pretty colourful fanciful heels... on the brink of falling flat on our faces or at the price of getting those skinny idiot heels stuck in muddy grass resulting in a very ugly kind of walk psyeudo stomp, ALL FOR THE SAKE OF LOOKING TALLER.

then we go to four houses at different parts of the country and wince and scrunch our cute noses as we climb those stairs for of course, OLD FLATS (see this harks back to my theory old malay people or old fashioned malay people always stay in old neighbourhoods and flats but MOVING ON) do not have elevators at every level. NO SIRREE! climb those stairs you must. and you will.

and then you get home take off those shoes with more than necessary glee and triumph and come face to face with your poor little size 3 feet that has now enough blisters to last a lifetime.

:) and of course you all know i'm talking bout myself. do i EVER talk about anyone else? nyahaha.

I AM A MEGALOMANIAC! I SEEK POWER TO CONTROL THE WORLD AND THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE! ONE DAY ALL THESE EXISTENCE WE CLING ON TO WOULD BE MINE! MINE!!!!! MIIIIIIIIIIIINEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHA.

ahem. cough. *pats hair into place* now that THAT'S out of the way... i just wanna say i had a fabulous hari raya. it's far from over though cuz we are doing more visiting later in the evening. (MORE HEELS! ARGH! but moving RIGHT ALONG) all that aside... for now...

i'm a happy girl with deformed feet about to sleep. (yeah i'm such a baby i get cranky if i don't get my noon nap. nyeh. and yesterday i made mum feed me. again. something tells me i gotta grow up but hey. WOTever.)

Saturday, November 13, 2004

suara takbir bergema lagi
hati sayu terkenang yang telah pergi
tamat kini ramdhan suci
bersalaman esok di pagi murni
ampun maaf diminta disini
di ambang syawal mulia...
bermaafanlah sesama kita.

:) Selamat Hari Raya, maaf zahir dan batin.

tet tenet tet tet tenenenenet... hai selamat hari raya! kami semua ucapkan! menikmati hidangan yang kami sediakan!

oh happy happy. am finally home. wheeeeeeeeeee.

for days i didn't have internet connection and i was in shock at how i could possibly NOT be connected to the world. this goes to show how 1- i am so dependent on the Net (well actually just MSN for ahem, certain people) and 2- how much i take it for granted.

i am soooo soooo sorry Mr Internet. i'll never take u for granted again. i will never misuse you to download porn, illegal graphics, sexually- explicit videos... only illegal music yea? c'mon we gotta have a fair deal here. *hugs Mr Internet*

ok yesterday i baked 4 bottles of cornflakes, my fave and my forte too. so anyone wanna try my kuih cornflakes datang rumah yeeeeeeee!

whoops more malay now aren't we? anyway you're all invited. if you wanna see me eat me i mean my kuihs or just hug me or see my house one last time or first time before i leave for admiralty, you're welcomed with open arms. lai lai lai!!! haha.

hahaha. i am so happy. obviously. haha. the smell of hari raya has infiltrate my brain.

you know the smell. i came out from the lift and whoooosh. the smell was there. warm, soothing, inviting... caressing me and enveloping me in all it's loving kuih and rendang glory. :D

ok people. later. now gotta act busy or mum won't buy me handbag. ???

ya i know. a bit doinks. but hey, whatever gets me free stuff. ;)

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

i give up.

am submitting my islam paper as my malay studies paper as well. couldn't care less. i am not about to type a whole new different 15 pages of shit. this is probably the most... wrong and deviant and lazy- student thing i've ever done in my life... and because i am so anal- retentive i cried last night... not just because of the paper la i'm not some pussywillow thing... but ya. i felt disappointed that i was not high- flying and swimming through my studies as i thought i will or can.

but OH WELL.

tuesday i went for last MS lecture. and from inside the wretched shuttle bus, i saw HIM. in that purple tee i saw him in one of the second times i saw him. purple boy. najib. tall dark handsome dude. was back.

and you know what i did when i stepped down from the bus?

he walked right beside me. right past me so close that our sleeves touched. *gasp*

BUT. fiza the GENIUS from the LAND OF MISSED OPPORTUNITIES;

looked DOWN

looked AWAY

and covered her face.

why?

why? don't ask me why. then i had to bite my own lips to resist the urge to look back. i amost cricked my neck straining myself. i had to stare at my shoes and walk. i hope he didn't look back and saw me looking down so hard that if i had special powers i could have drilled a hole through the floor i was staring so hard at. PLUS that would make this whole scene so wayang wayang la. he look i look down. then i look back he looked away already. and then we repeat the process over and over again until we both are too far away from each other. but WHATEVER. that did not happen.

then i did (look back). and i made a caveman grunting sound that i believe shall not be demonstrated here or anywhere else for fear of attracting the dogs.

he was smiling... when i saw him. sigh. *slaps najib* YOU ASS WHY YOU SO HANDSOME. hahaha.

but i usually look... and he looks. but thanks to my oh- so- wonderful move of covering my face i didn't look at him and he couldn't look at me either.

but i was in a pink kurung so that cover face thing might have worked as a you know... sweey shy girl in a kurung thing... gadis melayu crap. RIGHT!

so hah. ta- ta najib. see you next year. with that and all else that's going on... i can't wait for 2004 to end. it's been a year full of surprises, good and bad. and of course it's the year i came to NUS.

but hey. new years are good for a reason. :)

went out with khalid. town. bought new top. :) nice.

feel abit hollow. empty. sad. quitened. sombre.

i want. no. i hate it when i start a sentence with i want.

maybe i believe in love.

maybe.

but maybe i don't want to be in love.

i want to be satisfied. but if there is one vital human failing in all of us, it's the inability to feel satisfied with what they have.

i have so many things going for me. i think.

i wish. i wish that everything solves itself. i wish no 15 people died today in iraq. i wish i had worked harder. i wish i had more time. i wish i had more money.

i wish i was happy. but i am. most of the times. so i guess... that's blessed enough.

went out with khalid. town. bought new top. :) nice.

feel abit hollow. empty. sad. quitened. sobre.

i want. no. i hate it when i start a sentence with i want.

maybe i believe in love.

maybe.

but maybe i don't want to be in love.

i want to be satisfied. but if there is one vital human failing in all of us, it's the inability to feel satisfied with what they have.

i have so many things going for me. i think.

i wish. i wish that everything solves itself. i wish no 15 people died today in iraq. i wish i had worked harder. i wish i had more time. i wish i had more money.

i wish i was happy. but i am. most of the times. so i guess... that's blessed enough.

Monday, November 08, 2004

another day

i like twix. chocolate. mmm. the chewy fudgy texture juxtaposed with the crunchy biscuit in the middle of it all. oh yummyness.

it's beautiful how you start talking about juxtaposition in a CHOCOLATE when you're a tertiary student. what a pretentious world.

went to west coast to break fast with the family. it's getting to the point where i can't recall how my kitchen at home looks like. gah.

i can't come to terms with how many malays there are eating at west coast. it's such a sight.

i grew up there. :) i like that place.

i realized that if it's an old neighbourhood, chances are there's lots of malays there. VERY old malays or at least, old- fashioned malays. e.g. Bedok, Teban, Pandan, Clementi, West Coast, Telok Blangah, Toa Payoh. hmm hmm.

i should do a sociological study on the geographical locations of malays and how the neighbourhood they're in might come to influence their mindsets and lifestyle.

oh ho ho. i'm so full of fascinating crap today.

i want to terawih. i want. i can't. essay due tomorrow. and er... 14 more paragraphs to go?

i'm so screwed for my 1st semester in NUS. :) but i shall continue smiling cuz 1- i like smiling, 2- i don't want to be depressed, 3- everyone else screwed 1st sem too. :D

so smile NUS freshies, cuz ur SO not alone.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

sitting on the kerb

that's what life is. a sidewalk.

am feeling contented. somehow. inner calm. i think my yin and yang or 4 elements or whatever else has balanced up... am now at peace with myself and the world.

i know this sounds sick... but the world is beautiful. haha. i'm serious. when the sun shines and it's rays are reflected off the glistening dewy leaves... pretty ain't it?

when a kid toddles around with ice- cream stains all over her face.

when a bus rumbles along, no aircon, old- fashioned seats and you just have to close your eyes to feel 10- year- old again.

when the sun sets and the sky is streaked with multiple shades of orange and yellow and red and blue then lilac then lavender then purple... it's a sight to behold, in my opinion.

i am unnecessarily happy and pleased today. considering my essays are incomplete and hari raya's coming and i've got cookies to bake.

i should be stressed... but i'm not.

so either i am in the calm loving arms of God and He is keeping me soothed,

or i've totally lost it and am now a grinning idiot waiting for IMH to come get me.

hey hey hey.

i'm still working on my two essays. slogging it out here my babies. yeah yeah.

i don't know why i'm talking like this. i don't i don't. mwahaha.

ok ok. due to popular demand, i shall post my brilliant attempt at talking malay on my blog. apparently, several people who read my friendster bulletin questionnaire quite enjoyed it. isn't that a beauty? my stand- up comic future looks bright. just open my mouth and rattle off in malay. i'll have the crowd in stitches.

*BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND*

01. Nama saya adalah : Norfiza.

02. Saya mungkin: kurang siuman.

03. Tetapi saya sebenarnya adalah: manusia yang amat gembira (haha man this is cracking up)

04. Orang mengenali saya: kerana saya kuat tertawa dan suka berlawak jenaka... wahaha.

05. Jika awak mengenali saya, awak akan fikir: apakah yang menggembirakan sangat di dunia ini sehingga manusia ini sentiasa tersenyum lebar?

06. Kadang-kadang saya berasa : penat kerana terlalu gembira dan akhirnya saya jatuh tertundas oleh kemenangan BUSH! (how the F**K did that happen?!)

07. Pagi tadi saya : masih di alam fana. saya mimpi menonton wayang cerita hantu yang seram sekali. haha. no seriously i did.

08. Saya akan tidur : di atas tilam keras di katil saya di asrama di Universiti Kebangsaan Singapura.

09. Apakah saya mahu sekarang : Saya mahu menyiapkan semua kerja sekolah saya dan mendapat Ijazah 1st Class Honours saya pada keesokan harinya. boleh?

10. Duit : boleh membuat suasana kacau- bilau. (oh man my malay ROCKS la.)

11. Sesuatu yg saya hendak adalah : kejayaan dan membuka gerai makanan dan membuat majalah sendiri. ya, saya ini berangan- angan tinggi. wahahaha.

12. benda yang anda tidak mahu : memudaratkan lagi persepsi masyarakat terhadap kaum melayu dengan bahasa melayu saya yang terrer teramat sangat ini.

13. Benda yg penting bagi saya: keluarga serta agama. ini adalah prinsip dan institusi yang meng... meng ape eh. yang makes you real la ok. this brings you down to earth. yeah. haha.

14. Benda yg saya mahu : benda? kebendaan tidak begitu penting berbandingkan iman yang teguh. uh. ok. saya mahu kasut adidas yang baru itu. sungguh lawa ya!

15. Cinta adalah : allahualam. saya tidak mahir dalam bidang ini. haha.

16. Saya berasa : sangat melayu oleh kerana bulletin yang saya telah tulis/lakukan ini.

17. Saya mahu bersama: bantal busuk saya yang semakin hari semakin bertukar warna. haha.

18. Benda yang saya mahu tetapi bukan penting: baju dan kasut dari Tosphop dan Adidas. boleh???

19. benda yg penting tetapi saya tidak mahu: hubungan bersame seseorang dari kaum adam? maaaak. hahahaha. this is fun.

20. Saya hidup kerana : kita semua diletak di dunia untuk sebab2 tertentu. saya masih belum ketahui wawasan saya wujud disini. hahahaha.

21. Saya mencabar anda untuk : menukar fikiran saya tentang cinta dan lain- lain lagi. saya ini amat degil.

22. Saya takut kepada : kuasa ALLAH, kekalahan dan kematian

23. Saya marah apabila : orang membuat tanggapan tentang diri saya sebelum mengenali diri saya.

24. Saya gembira apabila : saya didampingi orang tersayang ataupun saya dapat makan dendeng dan ayam madu. lazzzzat ya!

25. Saya berkhayal tentang : hari saya uhh... "graduate".

26. Saya terpikat kepada: jejaka yang baik hati dan sayang pada keluarganya. dan tinggi dan kacak dan penuh misteri. hahaha.

27. Saya tidak terpikat kepada : MALE CHAUVINIST PIGS. maaf ya tidak tahu versi bahasa melayu. lelaki yang sexist dan men"subjugate" wanita. hahaaha. ok confirm. my malay rocks la!!!

if you don't understand, my deepest apologies. you just missed out on the joke of the year.

FIZA SPEAKS MALAY! haha. ok. uhh. as promised. HARI RAYA SONG OF THE DAY yeah yeah! i am incessantly happy. i should slap myself and shut up and cry and go all depressed about my life. but hey, who slaps themselves? that's just a load of bull. but as always i do talk on. here's your song.

Rafeah Buang- Bila Takbir Bergema

Dengar-dengar itu bedok telah berbunyi

Sebulan puasa tamatlah hari ini

Lekaslah adikku hiaskan rumahmu

Biar serba baru untuk para tamu

Jangan kau lupa ketupat di dapur

Rendang di kuali jangan biar hangus

Cuba lihat itu kanak-kanak berlari

Di halaman rumah bermain bunga api

Bangunlah anakku pakai baju baru

Kawanmu semua telahpun menunggu

Dapatkan ayahanda sujud di kakinya

Serta jangan lupa nindamu kedua

Kita bermaaf dengan keikhlasan

Moga bertambah rahmat dari Tuhan

Dengar-dengar itu takbir sedang bergema

Hening dan mulia di pagi hari raya

i like this one. i love to say the "bedok telah berbunyi" and "sebulan puasa... tamatlah HARI INI!" haha. ok ok. i'll shut up. HARI INI! mwahaha. i'm on a malay binge.

Friday, November 05, 2004

i have 20 hari raya song lyrics. which i painstakingly cut and pasted from this lovely site. which i will consequentially put up soon since we're sooooooooo HARI RAYA- ING NOW!!!! (green is so the hari raya colour, no? all the ketupats i guess.) haha. no la. i just like singing hari raya songs cuz you know they're special. too bad i'm too lazy to put up hari raya songs here. then everytime you come my blog it'll be like being in geylang. oh the joy.

so just enjoy the lyrics. and imagine me singing it. complete with elaborate gestures and happy smile and bobbing head. :D

now we'll start with one of my favourites. now that's really biased cuz i've got at least 25 favourite hari raya songs. but it just happens i feel kiddy so this song will be HARI RAYA SONG OF THE DAY.

Indra Shahrir- Selamat Hari Raya

Sudah di jauh hari
Anak-anak bising tak henti-henti
Kita tentukan baju, kasut baru
Untuk dipakai nanti di hari
Hari yang mulia aidilfitri

Emak pun sibuk memasak
Ketupat dan rendang dan sayur lemak
Wajik dan kuih lapis, roti renjis
Ah Chong, Mamat dan Johnny, Mutusamy
Sama-sama makan hidangan kami

Selamat (Selamat)
Hari Raya (Hari Raya)
Selamat (Selamat)
Aidilfitri (Aidilfitri)

Fakir di hari raya
Semua orang nampak hati gembira
Sudah pergi sembahyang hati riang
Saling berjabat tangan bersalaman
Pada ayah bonda serta jiran

Sudah bercuti sekolah
Sesama murid di satu darjah
Kami tidak kan lupa, juga nenda
Saling bermaaf-maafan zahir batin
Ucap minal aidil walfaizin

wheeeeeeeee oooh oooooh ooooooh hari raya galore.... i love hari raya songs.... lalala.... i am sooo singing this.. haha.

am currently in USP comp lab and there's this girl blasting away some cheesy corny vid about SDU amd sexual developments. and a man with the fakest macho voice ever just spoke against the background of floaty happy lala music about how "we shall all share the responsibilities in the family." HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. and sokme nyonya is saying how she will allow "them to go for parties only after their A Levels... and boys and girls should not mix until they are ready to think about marriages." HELLO? when was this vid filmed??? 1920s??? and what makes this super elitist and nasal nyonya assume that WE ALLLLLLLLLLL take A levels??? huh huh huh? and do we ALLLL party? NO. arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i'm pissed. boo.

"sememangnya Ramadhan ini sering menimbulkan kesyahduan didalam diri kita..."

i can't agree more. translation: The Holy Month of Ramadhan indeed creates a sense of melancholy in us.

i cried buckets today. because i miss home and i just want to be at home and hari raya- ing away. usually at this point of ramadhan i am so busy terawih- ing, cleaning the house, baking cookies....

now i am slogging over two ten- page essays and stressing over exams.

i realized it's 10 days to hari raya. i don't know what is more depressing; the fact i'm at home or the fact that i was barely aware how close to raya we really are.

i want to cry. cry and cry and cry and let it all end. all.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

i should stop rolling my eyes or it'll get permanently stuck back there and there i'll be walking around this face of earth with only the whites of my eyeballs showing just because i tend to have friends who spouts such eye- rolling comments.

"The mean age of defloweration is 15 you know. so if you go to a primary school, you take one last look at these virgins because three years from now 70% of them would be, um... you know."

"all bow to Colonel Spandex the seventh son of the seventh son, despotic ruler of Monkeysphere."

"i gave the chair a good jerk."

"typicaltypicaltypicaltypicaltypical *said real fast continuously* SEE? i've evolved."

"hahaharam. oops. ok. take care of yourself then. *snort*"

"oh... so busy huh someone... well guess (it) can't be helped then but i'm sure you must be feeling very SAD and SORRY that you can't join us right. Haha. Please don't be please don't be... though you will be missing out on all the FUN. haha. yah but seriously it's ok la we will go down and get the quotation tmr. :)"

I.HAVE.WEIRD.FRIENDS. oh but i love them nonetheless. :D

random twitterings