went to starbucks far east on Vesak Day night. not in any way disregarding everything i said previously...

BUT BY GOSH KHAIRIN IS HORRIBLY, WRONGFULLY, STRANGLE-ABLY CUTE.

he's mr cute coffee boy. i bought the new Strawberries & Cream Frap. it's yummy by the way. like the maker. MUAHAHA.

i know, i know. first i was all green grass now i'm all go go starbucks.

but i'm like that what... you should know that by now. haha.

despite these GOSH HE IS SO ARGHHHHHH CUTE moments, i still love you- know- who.

oh i bought another beatles book. "The Complete BEATLES Recording Sessions." courtesy of Borders. on top of my "The Beatles Lyrics." bought a CD too. "Beatles: A Hard Day's Night." love love love it.

i need to buy another 16 CDs before my Beatles CD collection is complete. then i'll complete the books part. i'm on a roll. i love being rich. bwahaha. but i wouldn't know what it feels like cuz i'm not. haaaaaaaaaa.

k. so i totally have a crush on mr starbucks. am gonna try to matchmake him with my friend who's possibly in love with him. goodness. things i do.

so mr best friend.

faizal.

yeah. am gonna open the little memory box of him i've kept shut and far far away from mind.

well. what can i say. he has always been my bestest friend, especially since imran turned to THE OTHER SIDE. (haha. current favourite term.)

and... to lose the closeness we shared could possibly be the worst thing to have happened in our lives. god knows how much we depended on each other, unrealizingly. how i wish things were different.

but it's not. we've stopped talking. stopped calling. stopped meeting. stopped. "we" have ended. "we" have stopped. like "we" was a machine and what we did kinda pull it to a sputtering end. sigh.

whenever i see hindi films or hear hindi songs, something inside aches. scenes where hrithik or shah rukh looks like "that" at his female co- star, i just get this slam in my heart. thud. gaah.

i would never wish we could have been together. no, that would never have worked. but i wish we never shared what we did that night. then we'll still be friends and i can go on believing you and i were always platonic friends who never had feelings for each other.

but hey, who am i kidding right? like my friend said, there's no way a guy and a girl who has so much in common and gets along so well can spend so much time together and yet not develop feelings for each other. no matter how little, there's bound to be some. how true.

it's a romantic notion. best friends becoming lovers. a notion i held on to for a very long long time. and that worked like a charm for me for a very long time, too.

but it's time i change things.

2004 seems to be a year of so many changes. in so many ways. geez.

i can't believe i started this entry all chirpy and go go starbucks... and am now all wistful and wishy- washy.

haha. i am weird. WEUUUURD. WEEEEEEEUUUUURD. weurd as a turd. hoo hoo hoo! and lame as a... a dame? er, couldn't find a word that rhymes.

ok. gotta shut up. i miss blogging, i miss the whole lot of you, please don't stop dropping by cuz i would be back very very very soon and that is a promise.

*hugs all around*- 2ndjune04.

12:45:00 PM ·

it's been a while. hi, me. and you, you, you and you.

so... yeah. NUS soon. lotsa camps to choose from, none i can seriously be bothered to attend. hoo hoo. what's new. fiza the super un- enthu human. but it should be fun. if only everyone can get through... oh well. no use looking back. my future is ahead. i'm in the University Scholars Programme. now that's new. ME, in a PRESTIGIOUS position. god the wreckage i'm gonna cause. ho ho ho, look out NUS! haha. i feel like i'm gonna be like a gale of wind, a tornado sweeping thru NUS making changes. make that RADICAL changes. haha. yeah right... you know i'll be super low- prof. as always.

every year before i enter a new school, be it secondary school, college or for now, uni, i have this 'PLAN' to be lil' miss nerdy & be all geeky and smart- ish and hardworking... and yearly, i fail. haha. i'm just not that la. so this time i'll stop fooling myself. in NUS i plan to be myself right from the beginning. starting with wearing pajamas pants to morning lectures. and grasshopper shades. and retro vespa. sleep in lectures but pass tutorials. haa. wish i could do that again. nah, won't take the risk. the difference between now and the past would be i know i want big things. not just a degree, but honours degree. not just honours degree but at least a 2nd upper class honours degree... yeah. then go for Masters then the Ph.D. yeaaaa. i dream big now. i just realized that humanity is capable of such great things and i AM part of the human race. so yeah. maybe i'm capable of big things. maybe not. we'll wait and see.

it's another juncture in life. another sign of age. when i entered nursery, i was 4. upon putting on that P.A.P Kindergarten uniform, i was 5. entered Qifa Pri Sch at 7. entered Gan Eng Seng School at 13. damn i miss that old place... then Pioneer Junior College when i turned 17... now NUS, when i'm 19.

I AM OLD. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok moving on from my ageing issues... well. yeah. i am psyched up bout NUS. but not as much as i thought i would be. i guess in primary school and all it was always like, entering university is a WOW thing and like NUS was this glorious, holy ground thingy... and now that i got thru... the whole hoo- ha about it just swept right past my head and i'm like, huh? me, NUS? oh, ok. haha. yes fiza the ultimate bimbo. hoo hoo. ironies of life. *rolls eyes*

mum's getting married. more changes... maybe i've been too swepted up in the whole hoolabaloo (is that a word?) of planning the wedding that i missed out the fact that i have a new dad. NEW DAD. sounds weird. like i sent my real dad to the workshop to be repaired and now they're giving me a new one cuz' the old one... well. yeah. cuz' the old one's gone. i hope this isn't mean, i like my new stepfather n all... but no one can replace Ayah. and i will wish him Happy Fathers' Day n all that when the day comes... but. yeah. my dad is still my dad. and the new dad is just... well. a new dad. he's no Ayah. ugh. i'm crappin'.

but the wedding is exciting stuff n my new dad IS a really truly great guy n he loves mum to pieces so i'm cool. i'm ALWAYS cool. bwahaha.

might be dorming. still undecided. currently taking my licence. that excites me to no end. haha.

then i think about my love life. ah- ha, i see eyes widening already... "ooh here comes the juicy bits..." haha.

SORRY TO DISAPPOINT.

no matter what happens or how far i go in life or how separated we are, hafiz will always be there. he has somehow wormed his way into my life's historical events and to not have him in the future is... well is like to have Nazism not under Hitler. just. wrong.

k bad analogy. lemme try another one. hmm....

hafiz NOT in my future is like... is like Beatles suddenly disappearing from the musical history of rock n roll... know what i'm sayin'? yeah. just impossible. wrong. THEEEEEET *game buzz sound* yea.

i thought the far east cook guy was cute. i thought so for 6 years... but it's just that. cute cook. period.

then the Starbucks barista. khai something something. cute, sweet smile, great coffee... but hey. it's just that. a cute coffee boy.

then Rohan. Hana, cue to laugh. such a sweet n lovable psycho. but nah. i'm barely interested.

faizal, ikhwan, zul, farid, hakim, rohai, khai, anuar, fahmi... so many eligible bachelors... but somehow, just SOMEHOW, YOU, you stinky (he doesn't k, i'm just saying), lame, skinny, pimply, adorable, mangkuk- hair of an apek- boy is THE ONE i look forward to seeing or hearing from day after day.

some call it love. i call it a disease. bahaha.

so i guess this is it. love. i finally have it. after all this time and all those boys and all the glitches and technical slip- ups, hoo hoo hoo, i finally think i have it. IT. the real stuff. the COKE of all pop sodas. not Pepsi, Vanilla Coke, Sarsaparilla, Root Beer...

haa... and i thought i would be sad when i find love. (?) no seriously. i did. i mean, once you have found love it technically means the end of testing waters, surveying the market, fishing, etc etc. that seriously sounded like a depressing thought some time back. (yes... shallow. i know.)

guess i kinda forgot the key point that if it's Love, you WOULDN'T WANT to test water anymore. it's the whole grass greener on the other side thing.

i mean if it's not the real stuff, being attached will always be like that. when attached, being single seems better. when single, being attached seems better. grass is always greener on the other side n u keep jumping over the same fence over n over again.

then u finally settle on one side n stop looking at the other side. THAT grass is the only one u wanna see. heck, even the fence is gone. there's no more other sides. there's just that. that's all you know of.

that's where i am now. no fence, no greener grass on the other side cuz there is no other side.

sounds like a matrix movie, NO OTHER SIDE. hahaha. k crapping again.

so yeah. maybe i speak too soon. for all you know NUS might built such gorgeous fences and the grass on the other side suddenly looks like carpeted grass while my side looks like The Amazon.

but till then. i love all this. shopping once every 2 weeks, meeting up lovely gal- pals, planning a wedding for my MUM (that sounds SO darn COOL. haha.), teaching kids, going on weekend getaways to cousins' pads all over Malaysia, meeting up old pals, having platonic guy friends, gushing over cuties all over town, returning to a room that looks like the Beatles might have jammed in there and has pictures of so many different people from different places and of course...

having a boyfriend that loves me so much it suffocates me. in a good way. haa.

so yeah. life has been SOOOO good. now all i need is to get rid of that firewall blocking my ISP and i'll be all well and back on the INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

YEAAAAAAAHHHH! *does frog- jump n throws pom- poms into the air*

haha. i wrote this at wee hours. please understand. don't stop loving me! wuahahaha.- 1stjune04.

12:45:00 PM ·