I am solitary by choice, not circumstances.
I have friends, I'm not lonely.
I have love, I do have a heart.
I can be cold, I am made to be stronger than most.
I can be quiet, I was born to be the only child.
I can be funny and loud, I was taught to always have fun.
I can be anything I want to be. Only because I can.
Hana
Mr. Udders
Maya's Baked Goodies
Nazri
Nadiah
Laremy the Cow
Aida
Ruz
Ed Koh
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Europe In Lomo
Mr. Udders
Maya's Baked Goodies
Nazri
Nadiah
Laremy the Cow
Aida
Ruz
Ed Koh
Travels
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New York II
New York III
New York IV
New York V
Melbourne I
Melbourne II
Melbourne III
Melbourne IV
Melbourne V
Liverpool
London
Paris
Lisbon
Barcelona
Fez
Milan
Pisa
Rome
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Prague
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Bituwin -
Blogskin
Edited by Yours Truly.
Blog Title is E.B. White's famous words, rephrased.
Friday, January 30, 2004
as usual.
but nothing is usual now.
he can't call. cuz when at work, i can't pick up calls.
so he can't call.
good night.
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
but you were not beside me.
oh god how i miss you.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
::today::tomorrow::now::future::
i am in a frozen time zone. at times i feel lost at times i see my entire life flashing before me.
whoa.
today was me & u. at town. marche lunch. sumptious. thank u darlin'.
then a walk around town. trying to pretend everything was fine.
not our usual happy banter. i'm sure we both noticed but to acknowledge it was to face tomorrow...
and neither of us are ready yet.
there was so much fear in me that i just cried.
pathetic. i couldn't even tell u why i cried.
though i'm sure u knew why... still. i cried. and couldn't say why.
silent, huge tears. so much pain held in a teardrop streaking my cheeks leaving it wet and sticky...
with pain.
tomorrow. me & u & ur dad. driving u to camp. god i hope i won't cry again.
it's just this fear. i can't put it into words. fear.
wretched four- letter word.
i want to be there. for the whole thing. watch the ritual. see it. feel it.
make it knock some sense into me.
give me a reality check.
one day i'll wake up thinking u forgot to call me.
but no...
it was because u can't.
i am in a frozen time zone. at times i feel lost at times i see my entire life flashing before me.
whoa.
today was me & u. at town. marche lunch. sumptious. thank u darlin'.
then a walk around town. trying to pretend everything was fine.
not our usual happy banter. i'm sure we both noticed but to acknowledge it was to face tomorrow...
and neither of us are ready yet.
there was so much fear in me that i just cried.
pathetic. i couldn't even tell u why i cried.
though i'm sure u knew why... still. i cried. and couldn't say why.
silent, huge tears. so much pain held in a teardrop streaking my cheeks leaving it wet and sticky...
with pain.
tomorrow. me & u & ur dad. driving u to camp. god i hope i won't cry again.
it's just this fear. i can't put it into words. fear.
wretched four- letter word.
i want to be there. for the whole thing. watch the ritual. see it. feel it.
make it knock some sense into me.
give me a reality check.
one day i'll wake up thinking u forgot to call me.
but no...
it was because u can't.
Monday, January 26, 2004
the government hates seeing me happy.
i mean c'mon, they make exams a MUST and bloody difficult.
then they came up with NS. National Service. for two years. and a half.
gulp.
now the fear sets in.
somehow it's more on me. will i cheat? will i miss u too much? too little? will the love fade? will the lessened communication affect us?
what if what if what if.
i am so bloody scared now.
i don't want to lose you. ever.
even if it's my fault if we end or something someday, please remember this.
i never ever want to lose you.
i mean c'mon, they make exams a MUST and bloody difficult.
then they came up with NS. National Service. for two years. and a half.
gulp.
now the fear sets in.
somehow it's more on me. will i cheat? will i miss u too much? too little? will the love fade? will the lessened communication affect us?
what if what if what if.
i am so bloody scared now.
i don't want to lose you. ever.
even if it's my fault if we end or something someday, please remember this.
i never ever want to lose you.
Friday, January 23, 2004
* i'm still with him & still in love. =]
* i still work crazy 12- 10 p.m. working hours at ikea almost 6- days a week so yea. been kinda busy.
* he leaves for NS this tuesday. =s
* i like my job though it's tiring.
* dino is just a friend.
* hmm... wat else?
that's about it la. good life. =)
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
just know that life's been good n prolly will remain that way.
too lazy to blog.
too lazy to blog.
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
hey hey hey... to all who have sms- ed me or tagged me with words of worry/ concern, thank you. very very much.
i'm okay now. really. we'll be fine. you know who we are. *grins*
so saturday noon was me at Wisma Mendaki having training for my volunteer work. i'm gonna be a mentor. kinda excited. wanna know who me mentee would be. it'll probably be tough & require lotsa commitment but i'm all for it. i wanna do something with my life that will do good. for once.
saturday night was men & my best friend bananafanabobana clubbing our sorrows away at embassy. it was a private function so the crowd was pretty wookies.
met a totally cute guy who looks like keegan kang with a nose fit to be a ruler. H.O.T. really. *sizzles*
just an innocent crush on a young boy. [he's a year younger.]
but oh hot. oh so hot. hahaha.
music was good... thumbs up to the dj. who thought me & banana were lesbians. *wink, wink*
it was actually a tact to keep ugly boys away. when they come close, we do our "sensual" dance and act totally lesbian- ish and basically scare the shit out of them.
unfortunately. one of them saw me dancing "sensually" [lol] with dino [young boy] later that night. he actually stopped and stared. hahahaha.
oh and those hip- hop wannabes dancing like it was some para para sakura arcade game thingie. hilarious.
thanks farhana, for the suggestion. i really wound down and relaxed. dancing does that to us, doesn't it?
dancing and cute guys. hehe.
who isn't msging me anymore. asleep probably. hahaha. school boy.
well. one day my life will be fine and dandy. for now, i'm satisfied with happy. =)
hafiz, thank u. u know i love u. let's work it out ya? understand me like i understand u.
we're two separate entities. two wholes. not two halves. we come together to make a greater & happier whole.
not halves who come together to feel & be complete as 1 whole.
we are just in love. not attached to the hips. once we figure this out, our relationship will shoot like the skyrocket.
i just know it. *smiles*
i'm okay now. really. we'll be fine. you know who we are. *grins*
so saturday noon was me at Wisma Mendaki having training for my volunteer work. i'm gonna be a mentor. kinda excited. wanna know who me mentee would be. it'll probably be tough & require lotsa commitment but i'm all for it. i wanna do something with my life that will do good. for once.
saturday night was men & my best friend bananafanabobana clubbing our sorrows away at embassy. it was a private function so the crowd was pretty wookies.
met a totally cute guy who looks like keegan kang with a nose fit to be a ruler. H.O.T. really. *sizzles*
just an innocent crush on a young boy. [he's a year younger.]
but oh hot. oh so hot. hahaha.
music was good... thumbs up to the dj. who thought me & banana were lesbians. *wink, wink*
it was actually a tact to keep ugly boys away. when they come close, we do our "sensual" dance and act totally lesbian- ish and basically scare the shit out of them.
unfortunately. one of them saw me dancing "sensually" [lol] with dino [young boy] later that night. he actually stopped and stared. hahahaha.
oh and those hip- hop wannabes dancing like it was some para para sakura arcade game thingie. hilarious.
thanks farhana, for the suggestion. i really wound down and relaxed. dancing does that to us, doesn't it?
dancing and cute guys. hehe.
who isn't msging me anymore. asleep probably. hahaha. school boy.
well. one day my life will be fine and dandy. for now, i'm satisfied with happy. =)
hafiz, thank u. u know i love u. let's work it out ya? understand me like i understand u.
we're two separate entities. two wholes. not two halves. we come together to make a greater & happier whole.
not halves who come together to feel & be complete as 1 whole.
we are just in love. not attached to the hips. once we figure this out, our relationship will shoot like the skyrocket.
i just know it. *smiles*
Saturday, January 17, 2004
god it's barely been an hour.
i forgot what it was like to lose someone.
you have to be the one to teach me, don't you.
i can't do this. i can't.
how do i say i want to be with you?
how?
i can't.
i forgot what it was like to lose someone.
you have to be the one to teach me, don't you.
i can't do this. i can't.
how do i say i want to be with you?
how?
i can't.
i always thought that love was enough
always will be
as it always had
but tonight proved me wrong.
i find myself in tears again.
why am i never enough?
why am i the way i am?
i love you so much
it's crazy
despite all the pain
i'm still here
i went through so much for you
inow i can't believe it's over.
just know that i was always
loving you
and believe me i always will
but maybe US will never be real
maybe some other time
in a different lifetime.
1: 37 a.m. 17th January 2004
hello... is it me you're looking for?
so much for 2004 being a wonderful year. less than a month into it i've been into more shit & depression than the whole of 2003 combined.
it's now between you & my mother. no more me. if you can convince her, then you can convince me.
till then. till we meet again.
you know. i can't say it. but you should know.
Friday, January 16, 2004
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Rod Stewart
I can tell by your eyes that you've prob'bly been cryin' forever,
and the stars in the sky don't mean nothin' to you, they're a mirror.
I don't want to talk about it, how you broke my heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
If I stay here, won't you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?
If I stand all alone, will the shadow hide the color of my heart;
blue for the tears, black for the night's fears.
The star in the sky don't mean nothin' to you, they're a mirror.
I don't want to talk about it, how you broke my heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
if I stay here, won't you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?
I don't want to talk about it, how you broke this ol' heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
if I stay here, won't you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?
My heart, whoa, heart.
I Still Love You
Next
1 - I still love you babe
I'm still for you girl
I'll never leave you baby
Cuz I realize I need you in my life
Girl it just ain't right
What we said last night
Cuz I know we didn't mean it
You feel the love is gone
Cuz we don't get along
But I can prove you wrong
Girl I swear
Cuz everytime I close my eyes I see you
And how I wanna live my life with you
There is no one
You're all I need and all I want
The only one I'll ever love
In this relationship we spend alot of time
Now it would be wrong if everything was always fine
Girl, I know we've had our share of ups and downs
But it doesn't mean that we can't work this out
Oh baby girl, I care, yeah
You know I do
Cuz everytime I close my eyes I see you
And how I wanna live my life with you
There is no one else
You're all I need and all I want
The only one I'll ever love
EVERYBODY KNOWS (I STILL LOVE YOU)
The Dave Clark Five
Everybody knows you've been treating me bad
Everybody knows you've been makin' me sad
Well you don't have to lie 'cause I'm no fool
I can see you don't want my love at all
I know, I still love you
Everybody knows he's been hanging around
Everybody knows you've been painting the town
He could never love you the way that I do
And maybe I'll find somebody else
But oh, I still love you
Every night I keep on cryin'
And I pray that you'll stop lyin' to me
Everybody knows you will never be mine
Everybody knows I've been wasting my time
I want to forget you as fast as I can
But every time I see you the hurtin' begins again
I still love you
I'm Sorry
All- 4- One
i know i was wrong
for treating you the way i did (the way i did)
i have so much on my mind
i didn't know where you fit in (where you fit in)
and if i could do it all over again (again)
i'll never treat you that way
(i'll never treat you that way again)
i apologize for the pain that i caused
and i just wanna say (i just wanna say)
i'm sorry (i'm sorry)
so sorry (so sorry)
for treating you the way i did (i didn't mean it baby)
i'm sorry (i'm sorry)
so sorry (so sorry)
for leaving you the way i did
when i close my eyes
i think of how it used to be (used to be)
that's when i realized
just how much you mean to me (you mean to me)
a second chance is all that i need (i need)
to change what's wrong and make it right
(to change what's wrong and make it right)
a fool i was to let you slip away (away)
when i know i need you in my life (need you in my life)
i'm sorry (i'm sorry)
so sorry (so sorry)
for treating you the way i did
(i didn't mean to hurt you baby)
i'm sorry (i'm sorry)
so sorry (so sorry)
for leaving you the way i did
and i know everytime (everytime)
everytime i treated you unkind (so unkind)
you still gave your best to me (to me)
i'll do anything to get you back in to my life
i need to hold you again (hold you)
kiss you again (kiss you)
make love to you (love you)
and i'll do it again (to you)
listen to me (listen to me)
i'm down on my knees (down on my knees)
can we start over again (can we start over)
i'm sorry (i'm sorry)
so sorry (so sorry)
for treating you the way i did
(i didn't mean to hurt you baby)
i'm sorry (i'm sorry)
so sorry (so so sorry)
for leaving you the way i did
you gotta believe me when i say that
i'm sorry (so sorry)
so sorry
for treating you (for treating you the way i did)
i'll never never never hurt you again
i'm sorry (so sorry)
for leaving you ( for leaving you the way i did)
i'm sorry baby
I Want To Be Free
Andy Williams
I want to be free like the bluebird flying by me
Like the waves out on the blue sea
Your love has to tie me, don't try me, say goodbye
I want to be free, don't say you love me, say you like me
But when I need you beside me
Stay close enough to guide me, confide in me, oh-oh-oh-oh
I want to hold your hand, walk along the sand
Laughin' in the sun, always havin' fun
Doin' all those things without any strings to tie me down
I want to be free like the warm September wind, babe
Say you'll always be my friend , babe
We can make it to the end, babe
Again, babe, I gotta say
I want to be free
I want to be free
I want to be free
Just A Little While
112
I Have To Go Away
My Flight's Not Far Away
You're Thinking Of Astray
But It's Just Your Mind
My Heart Is In Your Hand
Waiting For Your Command
That's Enough Assurance To Believe I'm True
So Baby Hold On
Just A Little While
Just A Little While Longer
Just A Little While
I'm Coming Back To You
In A Little While
For A Little While Longer
In A Little While
I'm Coming Back
A Thousand Waste Of Tears
Our Love's Been Strong For Years
Your Cry Is Not In Vain
Cuz I Understand
I'm Trying To Be The Man
You Loved When We Began
Your Cry Is Not Alone
I'm Crying Too
You Gotta Hold On
If Only You Knew My Love
You Wouldn't Feel This Way
Baby Don't Be Afraid
Cuz I'm Coming Back
Do You Hear My Plea
Forever Stay With Me
In My Arms You're Gonna Be
In Just
I'm Coming Home
There's Gonna Be A Better Day
There's Gonna Be A Brighter Day
I'll Be Back
The Beatles
You know, if you break my heart I'll go
But I'll be back again
'cause I told you once before goodbye
But I came back again
I love you so, oh
I'm the one who wants you
Yes I'm the one who wants you
oh, ho, oh, ho, oh
You could find better things to do
Than to break my heart again
This time I will try to show that I'm
Not trying to pretend
I thought that you would realize
That if I run away from you
that you would want me to
But I got a big surprise
Oh, ho, oh, ho, oh
You, if you break my heart I'll go
But I'll be back again
i'm doing crazy things now... i'm sorry. i wish i could choose not to but it's just something i gotta do. i need to settle this. so do u. u have to solve ur problems too. i'm sorry if i'm hurting u in the process...
i'll never fall for anyone else. period. just trust me. i love u with all my heart but for now, i want to be crazy- stupid- 18- yr- old and do stupid things that the old fiza wouldn't do.
i want to do something without caring bout what people might say.
just this once. please understand. i wanna figure it all out.
just know. k. that i will always love you.
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
i try my best to befriend your friends. i've spent more time with your friends than i have with my own. just so i can meet you. you, on the other hand, are just too shy to even look at my friends in the eye. fine. i understand that.
then you are so bloody close to me so clingy it seems as though i am the control freak and your friends think that ever since you've gotten attached to me they see less of you. so now I DON'T LET YOU SEE THEM. fine.
your mum barely allows you 10 feet away from home. so i have to meet you at 10 feet away from your home. she's leaving for her Haj soon and she's becoming more and more stressed and pressured to make sure you'll be able to take care of the family. i try to make you understand that and i try to understand her too. i want you to not get upset and be rude to her. so i have to understand u, ur mum and my ownself.
i work 10 hours a day and have no time to see u or even sms u. but i try my best to slip in even my shortest waking hours to be with you.
but no. i am a control freak who don't let u go out with your friends. 5 hours ago i was swimming and working out at the gym with them and u. what a control freak.
i guess i am not welcomed. well say so. don't free- load on the bloody dinner my mum treated u 4 hungry boys to then.
i understand u, ur friends who are SO BLOODY POSSESIVE they should keep u under their BEDS!!!, and ur family situation.
that's bloody perfect you know. really. wonderful. that's what girlfriends are for.
so who's going to be the one listening to me??? i can't tell u bout' my constant disappointment bout' ur mum n not letting u out cuz that'll make u upset and possibly angry with ur mum which isn't any better.
and i can't complain bout ur friends cuz i know how happy you are that i am befriending your friends.
lovely. absolutely. why am i here. really. WHY. god tell me why i do what i do.
then you are so bloody close to me so clingy it seems as though i am the control freak and your friends think that ever since you've gotten attached to me they see less of you. so now I DON'T LET YOU SEE THEM. fine.
your mum barely allows you 10 feet away from home. so i have to meet you at 10 feet away from your home. she's leaving for her Haj soon and she's becoming more and more stressed and pressured to make sure you'll be able to take care of the family. i try to make you understand that and i try to understand her too. i want you to not get upset and be rude to her. so i have to understand u, ur mum and my ownself.
i work 10 hours a day and have no time to see u or even sms u. but i try my best to slip in even my shortest waking hours to be with you.
but no. i am a control freak who don't let u go out with your friends. 5 hours ago i was swimming and working out at the gym with them and u. what a control freak.
i guess i am not welcomed. well say so. don't free- load on the bloody dinner my mum treated u 4 hungry boys to then.
i understand u, ur friends who are SO BLOODY POSSESIVE they should keep u under their BEDS!!!, and ur family situation.
that's bloody perfect you know. really. wonderful. that's what girlfriends are for.
so who's going to be the one listening to me??? i can't tell u bout' my constant disappointment bout' ur mum n not letting u out cuz that'll make u upset and possibly angry with ur mum which isn't any better.
and i can't complain bout ur friends cuz i know how happy you are that i am befriending your friends.
lovely. absolutely. why am i here. really. WHY. god tell me why i do what i do.
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
today i took a half- day. i cried twice at work. yes, it's that taxing.
i stand up for 10 straight hours and deal with customers who tink huge boxes and planks of wood can fit into PLASTIC BAGS no wider than their hips.
seriously, ikea- shoppers, have u got no brains?
screw "customers are always right", cuz' half the times, CUSTOMERS ARE FULL OF CRAP.
but there are the nice ones who are extremely patient and don't mind waiting for eternity.
or help you pack their stuff into bags.
but they are a rare breed. 3/4 of the time there i curse under my breath.
i need to change jobs. it's clear now i'm not meant for this line of job.
but i can't quit so soon. and who knows maybe i'll get used to it in a few more days.
but for now, i need this break. thank god i've got off tomorrow.
today i left work, took a train home and had packed long- john- silver's lunch with dearest.
then we went to the gym and swam after working out.
the feeling of being free and uninhibited by time or working hours or pay rate felt so wonderful.
and it has only been 3 days.
i wonder how those people survive. am i beng a wuss?
aah. maybe i'm just not cut out to stand for hours and hours.
or am i cushy? alah whatever la. just give me a less tiring job.
and with office hours or at least something more realistic than half of the day.
thank you for your kind attention.
Monday, January 12, 2004
for those in the don't know, i'm working at ikea now. the working hours are madness; 12- 10.30 p.m. so that will explain future draughts in blogging.
by the time i get back it's 12 midnight. my butt aches n my waist aches. carrying heavy stuff n packing glass n other fragile crap has taken it's toll. my butt aches cuz' of... i dunno. it just aches.
my feet dies everyday at 6.30 p.m. officially. the sole is flat and hard it looks like an ikea flat-packed home assembly furnitures.
sigh.
oh n i get cuts from cacti & scotchtape dispenser. i bleed like a construction worker. rubbish really.
so i'm tired. n i'm working tmr. and tuesday. any1 wanna ask me out, sms me cuz i can't pick up calls. my off days r wednesdays n saturdays.
i feel ancient.
by the time i get back it's 12 midnight. my butt aches n my waist aches. carrying heavy stuff n packing glass n other fragile crap has taken it's toll. my butt aches cuz' of... i dunno. it just aches.
my feet dies everyday at 6.30 p.m. officially. the sole is flat and hard it looks like an ikea flat-packed home assembly furnitures.
sigh.
oh n i get cuts from cacti & scotchtape dispenser. i bleed like a construction worker. rubbish really.
so i'm tired. n i'm working tmr. and tuesday. any1 wanna ask me out, sms me cuz i can't pick up calls. my off days r wednesdays n saturdays.
i feel ancient.
Saturday, January 10, 2004
i've got that achy feeling...
my feet ache my butt ache my heart aches.
ouch.
my feet ache my butt ache my heart aches.
ouch.
Friday, January 09, 2004
In 12 hours time I'll be all geeky and enthu asking stupid questions like how do i slide the ATM card and what do i do with a credit card. [steal! steal!]
it's been a year since i last worked. the fear is back. the politics... the backstabbing... the doing everything right...
argh! why oh why does my life have to be so dramatic?
on the other hand, got my uniform today. super bright and chirpy CANARY YELLOW.
my god. somebody shoot me. and it's so HUGE. meant for Swedish people i guess.
why oh why can't i earn $9.50 per hr like some SARS paramedic... grr.
why didn't some king die and decided to kindly write my name down in his will? why? why?
ok fiza shut up. on the other hand, i had a great time at west coast park with him today. =]
noooo... no horny- horny... hahaha. only crazy monkey clambering around. took some pics.
i was thinking... why aren't we like other normal couples? we went to the ZOO for god's sake. for our 1st anniversary.
and today was the playground. madness.
then i realized why.
1- we're budget people.
2- we have fun. either way.
3- all we want is each other. =)
thank you for being here hafiz. thank you.
Thursday, January 08, 2004
i knew we could do it. i love you dearest. a year and a month, and hopefully more to come.
time seems to fly when i'm with you. good or bad, hours are like seconds when i am sitting down with you- just talking and holding hands.
i want to listen. i'm here to listen. i can listen till my ears drip blood my dear. i want to understand you and everything there is to you.
i am so proud of us. the way we handled all the obstacles. there are some things that can't go away or end my dear, but you know that even before we got together.
our relationship was destined to have hurdles and obstacles.
but for all that we've been through, it has only made us stronger.
if i could love you more i would. really.
time flies my dear. soon you'll be off to NS. even sooner, i'm going to start working.
don't listen to what others say. time apart cannot kill us. nothing can.
i know we'll have problems. we'll talk less... see each other less. maybe have a communication breakdown.
but i want you to know, i am ready to take on whatever comes our way.
i'm with you. through cheap meals, budget calls and sneaky meet- ups, till on ORD do we finally be free.
Monday, January 05, 2004
everyone seems to have a super mega extra long entry for 2004.
i wanna do a 2003 recap. month- by- month.
laters.
i wanna do a 2003 recap. month- by- month.
laters.
la la la la!
hi! just got back from KL actually. whee! all that shopping. somehow i think i forgot to get something...
hmm.
anytoots, i spent bout, er, RM300 or so there? which is only $150 so it's not so bad. since i got the bloody cash from MOE anyway. hahahaha.
hotel was fab. food was yummy. all that buffets are beginning to show!!!
mambo had a sale. 50% off!!! went crazy there. and in many other places.
ah well.
oh i spent new years' eve zouking away. 4 straight hours of dancing. came home at about 3 a.m. zouked. yet i had a bus ride to KL in 5 hours time. slept for bout 2 hours before zooming off to JB to catch my bus.
madness.
beautiful 2004, by the way.
may 2004 bring better, happier and more memorable moments for each and everyone of us.
insya- allah.
hi! just got back from KL actually. whee! all that shopping. somehow i think i forgot to get something...
hmm.
anytoots, i spent bout, er, RM300 or so there? which is only $150 so it's not so bad. since i got the bloody cash from MOE anyway. hahahaha.
hotel was fab. food was yummy. all that buffets are beginning to show!!!
mambo had a sale. 50% off!!! went crazy there. and in many other places.
ah well.
oh i spent new years' eve zouking away. 4 straight hours of dancing. came home at about 3 a.m. zouked. yet i had a bus ride to KL in 5 hours time. slept for bout 2 hours before zooming off to JB to catch my bus.
madness.
beautiful 2004, by the way.
may 2004 bring better, happier and more memorable moments for each and everyone of us.
insya- allah.