being obscure clearly.

Friday, November 28, 2003

THE YUMMY TASTE OF FREEDOM!

oh yummy yummy! what a wonderful day! la la la la la.

FINALLY, after 2 years of slogging, my existence & presence & arrival & attendance at Pioneer Junior College has come to an end.

i now have nothing more to do with black & white uniform, ah kwek, cheeKOHpek, screechy mouse, usha kumar/ anal achi, hot stuffy classrooms & lauya canteen food.

but that leaves me with nothing much now, does it?

i feel a little lost.

likesomethingveryclosetohearthasbeentakenawayfromme.

not like i enjoyed it all. but it was a big part of me. a very big part. i'm crazy if i deny that school life constitutes 60% of my entire LIFE.

"somehow i find it weird that i suddenly stopped studying. -duh- i dont love studying but it's just like abit aimless out of a sudden. and guess what, before the 'A' levels, i dreaded the school and wanted to get out of it as soon as possible. but today is my official last day in school. and i find myself a little reluctant to leave the school." -as quoted from Huimin

i totally relate to that. the people. the environment. to know you will meet them each time u go to school. maybe we took it for granted. cus' now, we're not gonna meet up everyday again unless we make the effort to.

and most likely we won't.

prom. results. then, farewell. unless we meet again in Uni. but the boys would be NS-ing. some might retake. some might go NTU or NIE or NUS or SMU or SIM or overseas.

no more dennis yeo's crazy antics. wooly's lame jokes. eddie's inspiring poems & words. mrs loh fear at our class's potency for violence. -ultimate frisbee... lol.

i'm already looking for jobs. earning some cash to go for my holidays in tioman, bali n other pretty islands.

where does that put my friends? far, far away from my mind i would guess.

let's make prom a night to remember. be nice. be friends. grudges... well keep em', but don't let it spoil our last night together as pioneer kiddos.

because between prom & results, so much will change.

prom will be our last chance to save & immortalise the final graces of our youthful innocence & joy before we step out of Hyatt Hotel & forget each other forever.

but screw this sentimentalities. save it for later. for now, enjoy this well- deserved, hard- earned and oh- so- delicious taste of freedom.

Monday, November 24, 2003

TO ALL MUSLIMS, SELAMAT HARI RAYA MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN.

To my non- Muslim friends, enjoy the holidays!

Selamaaaaat....... Hariiiiiiiiii..... Rayaaaaaaaaa!

Sometimes, "sorry" sounds utterly pathetic beyond words.

Elvis Presley- Always On My Mind

Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied

Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
If I make you feel second best
I'm sorry I was blind

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You are always on my mind

The Platters- I’m Sorry

I’m sorry for the things I’ve done
I know that I’m the foolish one
Now that I see who’s to blame
I’m so ashamed, I’m sorry

I’m sorry for the things I’ve said
Just like a child I lost my head
I should have known from the start
I’d break your heart, I’m sorry

Please be kind and I know you’ll find
It’s so easy to forgive
Darling, wait for it’s not too late
Give our love a chance to live

I know the heartaches you’ve been through
I know for I’ve had heartaches, too
There’s nothing more I can do
But say to you "I’m sorry"
for the heartaches you’ve been through
I know for I’ve had heartaches, too
There’s nothing more I can do
But say to you, "I’m sorry"

I'm sorry. And I love you dear. I hope you can find it in you one day to forgive me. What I did was wrong & I'll understand if you can never forgive me. But for what it's worth, I'm truly, deeply sorry. And I love you so much. I'm so sorry. I really hope you'll forgive me one day. I'm sorry.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

My Future.

Plan A

-Social Work @ NUS
- Post- degree @ NIE- Teaching

Plan B

- NIE Diploma
- NIE Degree- Teaching

so my future is all mapped out for me. Pass or fail. =]

Thursday, November 20, 2003

I am in lust.

help. i hate friendly neighbours.

think some of u know bout' this particular guy friend of mine who lives nearby.
a block away.

he's attached. so am i. so nothing's gonnae happen.

thing is. well. we go a long way back.
and although we both have this unspoken attraction to each other we never really got the chance to "get it going on" cuz i was attached when he wasn't or vice versa.

well. and every now & then we meet up to chat, have supper or some other dreary, moribund things.

on monday i accompanied him for his haircut at IMM. then we headed to Jurong Point to get his girl something for Perlini Silver.

when crossing the road to IMM, me being me, crossed without checking. so he had to pull my arm. n i kinda swung sideways n ended up facing him; a lil' too close. [god this is so cliche & movie- scene!]

nothing happened. but after that, whenever we crossed roads, he'll either hold my arm or put his palm on the small of my back. even when crossing the carpark with no cars. gaah.

admittedly, i think we both know we're physically comfortable with each other. slightly more than normal platonic friends are.

then yesterday. his girlfriend made him dye his hair. so he called me up to ask me to dye his hair for him.

he came over. we dyed his hair. sat around waiting for it to set. then i washed it off for him. in my dark toilet with no lights. =x

then he checked out his hair in my room. used my hair wax to style it up. then sat on my inflatable sofa with me to look at some photos.

i dunno. nothing happened but... it's just weird. like... understated chemistry?

i hate this. hate this hate this hate this.

i love hafiz. he is more perfect than me than my friend could ever be. ditto for him and his girl.

so whatsup with our pyhsicalities??? jeebunks.

hate this. i'm in lust.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Prom Theme
Fountains Of Wayne

Here we are at last
The moment soon will pass
We'll go our separate ways
We'll vanish in the haze
We'll never be the same
We'll forget each other's names
We'll grow old and lose our hair
It's all downhill from there
But tonight we'll reach the stars
We'll rent expensive cars
And dream our dreams
Of a perfect night
And we'll sing our prom theme
Here we are at last

We're running out of gas
The air is getting thick
The girls are feeling sick
We'll pass out on the beach
Our keys just out of reach
And soon we'll say goodbye
Then we'll work until we die

But tonight we feel like we're stars
We'll play our air guitars
Cause we're eighteen
It's a perfect night
To sing our prom theme

guess i've published this song before... but as we near prom & end of A Levels, it's becoming more apt.

to all my friends in PJC, do keep in touch. & i just know we would all look smashing for prom. lol.

prom. our last night together as Year 2s of PJC. doesn't look bad written, but it is sad.

it's ending y'all... this period in our life. we're done with transition & uniforms. 27th is the last you'll don that wretched black & white thing.

as much as i hate it, i'll miss it.

when we meet again... so much would have changed. good or bad. but i hope we'll still treasure & remember each other.

last. end. finale. no more. farewells.

"i miss you but i hate you."

aptly directed to my 2 year existence in Pioneer Junior College. thanks to all who've contributed ya.

and watsup with me gettin all emo at 5 a.m. man...

Monday, November 17, 2003

Wants

underwater digicam
cash- loads of it
trip to Tioman
cash for backpacking trip round the Pacific?
trip to Bali
job
get that voice-over for animation movie job
good grades for my A's
quality time with Hafiz
manicure + pedicure
hairstyling
dance

can't think of anymore... but i'm shure there's more. one mainly being to screw Cambridge. fuuk yuu SEA history.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

i don't wanna talk about results cuz i know if i do i won't stop so i'm not gonna worry and just hope for the best after all i have tried my best so i'm not going to worry although i know i could have worked harder but i don't want to look back anymore for i know no matter what the results i am not going to have any regrets cuz besides trying my hardest i also met the most wonderful people and loveliest friends here so i will not look back in regret.

because i met all of you.

Sunday, November 09, 2003

Letter To God

God help me throughout the next few weeks while I embark on the journey that will cost me my future.

I have faith in myself and in You. I just hope You will be with me right from the beginning to the end.

Don't let me go, God, don't let me lose what I already have.

I'm praying on giving my best, and hoping that You add a miracle to it.

I'm not greedy God. I know where I stand. I don't ask for straight A's.

Just allow me grades sufficient to make it to Social Work. or at least NIE.

Please help me God. Cuz in this momentous time of madness, I can't help myself.

I was calm before God, because I didn't know what to feel. Fear? Excitement? Anticipation?

I just wanted to get it over and done with.

But now I just want to keel over and die.

God please stay with me. Please give me strength, faith, and belief to proceed with this hellish nightmare.

I haven't been the best believer, but I really do believe in You, God.

So please be there for me. I'm begging You, God.

You're all I have now.

Please help me, God.

Everybody Hurts - REM

When the day is long,
And the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough, of this life,
Well hang on.
Don't let yourself go,
'Cause everybody cries and everybody hurts, sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong.
Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone,

If you feel like letting go

When you think you've had too much of this life,
Well hang on.

'Cause everybody hurts.
Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand.
Oh, no. Don't throw your hand.
If you feel like you're alone,
No, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own, in this life,
The days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much,
Of this life, hang on.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries.
And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes.
So, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on.

gimme a word that spells exhaustion a different way.

1 day to the A Levels. i can't take anything anymore but i know i have to just puuuuussssssshhh this last few steps.

even if it kills me.

the closer the a's are, the lazier i become. i'm relying too much for divine intervention from 10th onwards.

praying. i do that a lot now. pray pray pray. keep having faith & asking God to help me through this... whatever thing.

i feel weary. beaten even before the battle. how pathetic.

hope you guys are doing fine. i know you guys can make it.

i'm just an exception to the norm.

i somehow know i'll flunk. aaahh... no negative self- talk.

econs. gp. gp. history. econs. econs. lit. history. lit. lit.

it looks so innocent & harmless like that, doesn't it? all pretty & wordy like many many i love you's.

jeebunks.

it's a month before our 1st anniversary. whoa momma.

time has a way of changing things. but i'm glad the love we have is here to stay.

i'm sorry for not being the sweet, lovey- dovey girl that so many girls are. i'm just incapable of that.

i'm sorry i don't know how to reciprocate your sweet nothings. i can only smile or say thank you. pathetic- but it's all i can do.

i'm sorry if i've hurt you throughout this relationship. i'll never want to do that intentionally to you.

and i really really really love you. and for not being mushy, take heart that i told the world wide web i love YOU.

and only you.

i love you hafiz, more than i dare to admit to you.

Monday, November 03, 2003

Leeched.

10 people you want to meet
1. Roald Dahl
2. My paternal late grandfather
3. Ilhan Mansiz
4. The Rock
5. My maternal late grandfather
6. My father
7. Shawn Michaels
8. The Beatles
9. Elvis Presley
10. My husband

9 things you wear everyday
1. cute Topshop undies
2. bra. duh.
3. muh glasses
4. matching watch with hafiz
5. pink ruby ear- rings
6. brown bangle
7. sports shoes [down with heels!]
8. a hair scrunchie. hate hair all over my face!
9. talcum! yeah! GO CUTICURA!

8 of your favorite foods
1. chilli prawn
2. laksa
3. nasi lemak
4. butter fish fillet from dome... oh how i miss you...
5. chocolates. cakes, bars, ice- cream, drinks... bring it on!
6. creme caramel. yum.
7. black pepper steak
8. mutton chop

7 of your closest friends
1. farhana
2. hafiz
3. fahrur
4. bruderrr
5. kristy
6. zarina
7. hadi

6 of your favorite shows
1. Spongebob Squarepants
2. now defunct- Mopatop's Shop
3. Designer Guys
4. The Simpsons
5. WWE
6. Whose Line Is It Anyway?

5 things in your room
1. queen bed
2. all essential air- con
3. inflatable sofa
4. pictures on walls & mirrors
5. too small a cupboard

4 things you ate today
1. fried mee hoon
2. dried dates
3. Van Houten hazelnut chocs
4. hotdog bun

3 things you could not live without
1. love
2. family
3. dreams

2 books you recently read
1. the five people you meet in heaven by mitch albom
2. the return of the naked chef by jamie oliver

1 thing you said today
1. "So, am I going to meet my beloved Hidayat?"- to Hafiz. lols.

Saturday, November 01, 2003

Can You Feel It? That gust of wind rushing past your face... so fast, you lose your place.

feel older by the second. gaah.

recalling 2 puny years in Pioneer more & more now.

nothing really wonderful... but the kind that makes u smile to yourself & feel all warm i& fuzzy nside.

bryan's fake jacuzzi. huimin's gugu jiao. doris's & my fetish for Spongebob. stupid chee KOH pek & his "You can never make it" talks. fahrur's constant singing & random noises. lol. kristy, me & hafiz's late night mugging in school. so much. too much to say it all.

but i know the smaller ones are here to stay. like N.W.O. Ethel Chong's 5 minute lessons. Nigger balls. Imran. Dikir practices. Hari Raya outings. Science block toilets.

things that happened without me noticing but now realize they were important in my day- to- day life.

wish i could turn back time. just to live through it all again. yep... the bitching even. afterall, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. and that was one of those cases.

prom. wonder how it'll be like. ....

a levels. results. university. all this change & diversity. life.

soon, the a levels will be here & gone. prepared or not, i know it'll come, regardless.

then. it'll be Hari Raya time. then work. then results. then more of the education system.

but i think i would enjoy the Social Work degree i choose to take.

Hari Raya.

hasn't been the same for 6 years. will probably never be the same.

i miss you, dad. wish you hadn't left so soon.

every year, Hari Raya is celebrated happily worldwide.

for me, it's a bittersweet pill i have to swallow each time that time of the year comes along.

to break fast with my mum or sometimes alone. to go for prayers alone. to wake up for pre- dawn meals and eat with my mum alone. to wake up on the morning of Hari Raya to only have mum to ask forgiveness from. Only to have her to wear matching colours with me.

to only have her hands to hold & kiss & ask for forgiveness. wish for once, i can have yours as well.

wish i remember what it was like to hold your hand. the rough palm. the dark skin the same shade as mine.

i miss you dad. too much.