being obscure clearly.

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

this is for you, my friend.

"hahaha. the funniest thing happened today. we finally talked. like talk really talk. 3rd nov- thanx to my idea of a gess malays reunion to makan [eat]...... at lau pa sat..... god. haha. can't stop laughing. u told me that u didn't love me anymore n it just surprisingly didn't hurt! haha. can life be more ironic? n there i was for months worried to talk to u about everything like today cuz i didn't wanna noe something i didn't wanna noe- assuming it was that u didn't love me anymore. but wen u finally said it it barely was an ant bite. god i so learnt my lesson. fiza next time just jump e gun. e shot barely hurts! hehe. took a bus wif ya.... etc.... we basically talked n talked n talked. i dunno if we will b this chummy in skul but i feel happy n unburdened n lite n god knows wat else just to have had today. thank u im, thank u god. =]. well according to hadi- at least now there's closure.... true. a closing book to open a new one. haiz. life seems so much easier now. stupid fiza. all that worry n fear for nothing. it was cute wen u said u dun look at me u just listen. hahaha. makes me sound so loud..... but i'm not DAT loud anymore wat. humph....... well it was great. nice meeting u again imran. =].
still loving u- as u wud noe
fiza
1:31 AM 4/11/2002
p/s: nite of 3rd nov. hehe. wat a day........ nice to noe u noe everything now. feel free. haa.... smile. b happy. cuz ur happiness is mine remember? hehe. nitey."

in case the rest are wondering, this was my personal "letter" to imran, my ex. titled; 55cudbfinale55.

i wrote 55 letters, each confessing how i feel or what happened that day or if i had thought of him. which of course, i did.

it took me 6 months to forget him, em. 6 stupid blithering months. looking back, i know i shouldn't have wasted so much time.

but that's how we are when in love. or think we're in love. we do stupid things. for me, i wrote letters each night for him, without fail. in hope when we got back together, i could give it to him & the days we spent apart won't be there cuz he knows what happened those days.

stupid. i know. i'm not ashamed of this, neither am i proud. i think this is part of life. we have to go through pain so that we'll learn to appreciate the joy that comes later.

i feel your pain em. i really do. i wish i could tell you the shortcut to where i am now post- imran. but i can't. cuz u have to go through it to know it. that's the only way to it.

i hope this has helped, some way or another. and if you feel like writing letters too, why not? though i didn't get imran back or give him the letters, i somehow felt as though there was someone listening to my deepest feelings at those times of deepest sorrow.

and if you're wondering, this WAS the final letter. the next time i remembered to write, i was already in love & happily attached to a wonderful lovegod. =)

"12:53 AM 12/24/2002
well guess dat was a finale huh?? as luck wud have it, i got over u.. thru 55 letters or so. i can even specifically mention the date i got over u... dat dk practice wen i saw u after weeks not seeing u... i was like, BLARGH! wen i finally saw u. not exactly e sentiments of a lovelorn ex so i guess i was pretty much over u by den... in fact... i was almost crushing on hafiz already cuz i found out mai was attached n sorta told him...he was upset at first n i tried my best to get him up n about... but honestly, it was all true friendship all along. which was wat made him so special. still is. our friendship was so pure n simple. i can't b happier to have had it b4 n still have it. n more. =p. well guess it wasn't really the hundreth thousandth letter dat states i'm over u n all..... love exeggerates evrythin i c. or maybe it was obsession. i dunno. wateva it was i'm glad its over. as u wud haf known i'm now happily hitched up to wud u haf guessed it..... lim. hai.... last last ngan apek ni jugak aku sangkut. [in the end, i got attached to this apek.] hehe. things happen. it was a nice slow gradual build up... i feel great. its so simple n rite n unmushy but sweet love. i dunno. perfect might jinx it but i can't tink of any other words.... i've never been happier.... i remembered wen i went to blanja [treat] him naz nora n hanna pizza i was like euphoric.... he sat beside me n i was already so happy. haha. crushing is still e same funny occassion n event for me. at least dis has a happy ending. i hope it does. ............. guess i'm totally over u now. feels great. it was stupid la the whole waiting period. glad it ended sooner than i expected. ...... well. slamat hari raya maaf zahir batin. ..... as luck wud haf it im, as luck wud haf it. i'm so totally over u.

GRAND FINALE

fiza zali

1:14 AM 12/24/2002"

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

morning!

time check: 5.18 a.m.

just had my morning eating thingy to prepare myself for fasting later. la dee da dee da...

currently waiting for the... erm... time to do morning/ pre- dawn prayers.

geez. it's so hard to explain it in english. haha.

god this is weird. so early...

oh well. here goes.

Short- Term Goals

.persevere for the A Levels. don't let A Levels dampen my celebrative Hari Raya mood. mug hard, real hard. clean my room. try not to get cranky with all this hunger. go geylang bazaar. pray more. curse less.

Mid- Term Goals

.get my bike licence. get my Vespa. ride my Vespa to take A Level results. get a job. travel. travel some more. stick to my current boyfriend. wait for him while in NS. get to Uni. take Social Work. then NIE- learn to teach. kiss the rain.

Long- Term Goals

.get married. have kids. get at least 3 homes in my life. own a Beetle Volkswagon. travel to wonderful places with my husband- then my kids. teach. counsel. no maids. go for my Haj after 20 years of marriage. no divorce. have a great big wonderful family. live life the best way that i can.

Sunday, October 26, 2003

Question: What am I?

HASH(0x87812d4)

You are...The Magical World Inside the Abandoned
Refrigerator

Which dysfunctional children's book are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

how dandy. lol.

just finished writing an essay on wages. god was that a toll on my right hand!

feels like i have a stroke on the right- side of my body now. jeepers.

yesterday was great. went to town with hafiz- something i've been dying to do.

i guess when things gets ugly or too wound- up i see town as a symbol of... relaxation. secondary school memories. brainless fun. so yeah. off we went.

lunched at far east; hokkien mee for him & beef hor fun for me. finished our food pretty fast, since tomorrow we'll start fasting.

went to Lido & treated him to The Rundown. haha. damn funny movie. took my mind off everything.

before the movie began headed to Borders and bought the book recommended by ed koh & three pens. ???

book was fabulous. read it when i got home and never stopped. touching, inspring, everything. i feel alive after reading it.

outside Borders, me & hafiz encountered 9 [cute + hot] guys busking. all sorts of drum instruments + maracas + metal stuffs etc.

they were good. everyone stopped and listened, some clapped, most gave cash... but i just wanted to dance. hahaha.

went topshop but saw nothing nice. blaah. maybe my retail therapy on clothes days are over. it's time for books, books, and more books. [to read, not MUG!]

which reminds me. i didn't forget what i enjoy doing. i enjoy reading. alot. and i enjoy being with friends, even if we're mugging. =)

entered zara. ditto. no urge, no desire, no more lusting for clothes. GASP.

post- rundown went to BK for some onion rings & iced milo. yumm.

took the bus back. kinda funny journey. mad driver. haha.

will meet hafiz again later cuz once we start fasting, there'll be zilch physical contact.

no hands, no hugs, no nothing. sigh. i'm gonna become a nun.

but on the other hand. a levels are approaching. my anticipation & fear & worry have now tapered down to a weary silent defeat, an acknowledgement of the inescapability of it all.

but i know there is light at the end of the road. and till i get there, i'm not giving up.

*marches head on*

Crash Boom Bang!

Thursday, October 23, 2003

::a day for quickies::

* stress... piling, piling.

* bought prom shoes. only jewellery left so post- a levels would solely be partayyy & quality time with my baby.

* got matching watches with hafiz thanks to mum. love her so much.

* got family gathering tomorrow.

* special date of sorts with dearie saturday, can't wait! he's got me a surprise... hmm....

* i got a weird ex who can't remember WHEN i cheated on him. but never mind.

* i see people having more & more conflicts & its worrying. do we really hate each other so much? why the hell did god put us all in one place then? harumph.

* at the same time i see people in love & falling in love & it's so sweet. aaw.

* i see people single & living life to the fullest. admirable.

* i seee my bed. well at least i see the pile of JUNK on my bed & i feel sick all- over.

* i need to study & have a break. and i can't do either cuz when i do one of it, i start thinking of the other. bother, bother.

* i forgot what i enjoy doing. crikey.

* i need to clear my pimply face & other blemishes else where + grow my hair beyond my bra strap [don't ask] by december. gaah.

* i miss blogging. sigh.

well that's about it. wow. what a life. it's hectic & heavy but it's ok. rolling & tumbling but enjoying the seconds spent rolling in dirt & mud.... so all is well. and thanks to everyone who sent me their words of concern + advice after the previous entry. i'm deeply touched you care. muacks!

gotta go. luvvies to all! lucks for the a's & lucks in all things else!

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

long- overdued entry.

Some days ago… I wrote this.

Don’t be scared of me, bitch. You did this to me. You took the colours and sucked them into that freak of a place of yours that you call world. Fucking hypocrite. You took away my joy, my laughter, my happiness. You stole away all my dreams. Hopes. Faith. You are the murderer of all pleasantness that ever existed in me. You pushed me to the edge knowing I’ll never make it back. You inhaled my sorrow like an addict who found opium. You derived joy from watching me turn to ashes in my pain. You laughed when I screamed for help to no avail. You smile while I wander aimlessly in this vacuum between hell and you. You felt pleasure, overwhelming happiness, watching me bend over backwards trying to please the world and you because I no longer had faith in myself. You enjoy me in pain, don’t you. You love it when I have nothing and no more and mo one else in this world, don’t you. You’re a sadist, and you’re proud of having me tortured. But it won’t be long, till another sadist comes along. And makes you, the victim. And when that day comes, my laughter will drown away your fucking cries for help.

It was supposed to be a poem. Melodic. Poetic. But I lost the rhythm & rhyme along the way & I just let all the anger & angst washed over me. Hurt & pain took over & I just let it all flow out of my system. I was typing & my fingers flew frantically across the keyboard as I felt my anger increased rapidly- faster than my fingers could translate all that emotion. I thought it was never going to end. The pain, the anger, the hatred. But as soon as it came, it went. And it ended with an all- too- typical finale, revenge.

When I choose to ignore what I ignore, I know it’s not because I have no rebuttals, but more because I don’t want to stoop to their level. I am not regarding myself any above of others. Just more tolerant & maybe… more of a doormat than I should be. I can’t be bothered to argue & fight. But that has made me very unsatisfied & frustrated. Maybe it’s time I change my own rules.

But life is not like that. You don’t get what you want. You don’t get to have a 25th hour. You don’t get to spend quality time with your loved ones as much as you’d like to. You get bitched. You bitch. You get stressed. You get pissed. You feel happy- if only for a while. You feel frustrated. Lost. Diminishing. Then you feel happy. Contented. For a moment, a minuscule nanosecond, you are the world. You are everything there is to you. Then you lose it again, and it doesn’t seem to want to come back.

I fear. I fear for the A Levels as much as I fear death of my loved ones. I fear failure. I fear failure so much I wake up in cold sweat in the middle of the night dreaming that I have already failed. I fear loss. I am so scared to lose him I dream that he cheats on me every alternate night now. I fear.

I live in fear because fear… fear is the root of my weaknesses. Fear of losing someone, fear of failing, fear of falling sick, fear of fear itself and what if that fear overcomes me.

But I live on. Because life is not an option. It’s an obligation. It’s a rule. It’s what we’re here for. This is our role. This is what we do.

Sunday, October 12, 2003

it’s been a while…

Whoa whoa whoa. Been a while, hasn’t it?

Yea… life’s been good. God is kind.

So… highlights since dentist trauma trip…

Well. I celebrated my 10th month together with hafiz. Obviously.

Oh. And I received a letter… from ruzainah. Think you guys know the whole crapshit that has been building up in class… and I surprisingly received a letter with an apology & explanation. Apology was unnecessary but it touched me. And the explanation… well. I guess you have to learn to accept such odd behaviour from “friends” in life. But ruz, if you read this, thanks. It provided much needed closure.

Then… there was the whole class money fiasco. A05 is kinda sticky when it comes to paying up. Well. At least school’s ending soon. No more responsibilities!

Then. Hmm. oh imran’s “stealing” of bruder’s grades was funny. Poor Bryan. I saw the relief in your face, bruder. See, I knew you could do it. Keep working ya?

Well… yesterday had family + me + hafiz at Plaza Xing- Jia- Po shopping. Or so. Was fun fooling around with hafiz at Spotlight. Lol. Then he went off & me + family went for dinner at Indonesian Restaurant by the Riverside. Burp.

had BBQed cheeken, feesh, sqweed, + grilled satays, fried sting ray + more food I can no longer recall. crazy heckuva feast. mum's pre- birthday dinner.

which reminds me. bought her ear- rings from taka with hafiz before heading PS to meet family. and hafiz had treated me to TRIPLE SCOOPS OF HAAGEN DAAZ...... HAHAHAHAHA.... AND BURGER KING TOO.... I AM A PIG!!!

thank you my sweet baby.

to all those feeling stressed, look at me! i haven't studied for 2 days! *screams*

ah well. will start tomorrow. 1 month to go before the final crunch... hopefully i'll come out of the CRUNCH alive.

and in perfect condition to take my licence & purchase my Vespa. whoo hoo!

have a good life, everyones!

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

it's been 10 wuuun- deerrr- fulll months!

we had our share of fights, tears & quarrels... but nothing that i deem worth losing what i have in my heart right now.

you.

you are now everything. you are my fairy [not in pink tights, please!] with magic wings, my magic wizard with gold dust in your eyes & a magic wand hidden somewhere. you're magic.

you're that star that i talk to each night before i go to sleep. you might not be the one floating in the sky but somehow i know you understand & you're listening.

you're that figure walking gingerly across the railway track at 7.20 each morning... you're that smile or frown or sorry face that i see reflected in my mirror.

you're so much a part of me now that i can sense your presence without seeing you. it's magical, really, what you've done to me.

you make me find new dreams... new boundaries & limits to what i can be.

you make me feel capable of anything in the world... you make me, ME.

and for that, i'm forever thankful.

i had a lovely lunch at PastaMania my darl. thank you, thank you. thank you oh so much.

and have i mentioned yet how much i love you? =P

Monday, October 06, 2003

muse for the day: dentists are EVIL.

Remind me NEVER EVER EVER to go back to the dentist again.

No matter how swollen my jaws are, no matter how crooked my wisdom tooth is.

I’d rather bear THAT pain than the poking & prodding & jabbing of metal spikes onto my gums.

You call THAT dentistry?

Even a 4- year- old could have done what two “professional” dentists did to my mouth today.

Dentist 1. An old, decent, though possibly senile kind man who prodded my mouth with metal sticks. Scaling, I heard, it was called. More like scraping. Scraping off each & every inch of my gum. Poking my GUMS till it bled. It beats me what he was looking for. How did I ever find it in me to call him a nice man, God knows.

Dentist 2. A graduate doctor I could see. Only through framed certificates & glorified pictures of him in his blue graduating garment. BUT. From the way he prodded & PRESSED on my swollen gums to apparently CLEAN my wisdom tooth, he probably bribed his way through NUS Dentistry for all I care. Dammit. I actually cried in that bloody dentist chair. And even with a bloody metal poking into my mouth, I could hear myself wincing in pain. Thank god he took that & the tears as a sign that I was in HUGE PAIN. Still seething from his supposed cleaning cuz’ he literally poked that sharp pointed metal stick into the swollen gums. What the hell do they teach in the Dentistry Faculty man… sadomasochism?

Despite my rantings… I know I have to return again one day. And I’m sure I’ll rant some more.

But on the bright side! I ate! Real food! Got to eat mee kuah. This spicy Indian noodles thingo. Yum yum. Felt magical to taste noodles & meat. Feeling cannibalistic now…

=P

Got back my Lit grade & Gothic context. I could just slash Steph “I’m so cute listen to my voice I can squeak!” Chua for giving me that 10. Screw you. I know I didn’t write much but I didn’t deserve that 10. So screw you. And you don’t even KNOW the text. They LIVED at Manderley but they did not meet there. And for your information, Rebecca is the dead wife, not the current wife who’s narrating. Stupid bitch. Feel like throwing my copy of Daphne Du Muire’s Rebecca at her face. Stupid obnoxious know it all squeaky bitch.

Ah well. What an angry entry. About time. Beginning to sound as if I’m on drugs. All that appreciating life & loving life & other “life is so wonderful whee!” crap.

La la la. Off to do some GP & History now. Will continue cursing “I’m so cute” Chua. Grr…
Nights!

Sunday, October 05, 2003

Hunger Strikes.

Saw the KFC Benditto advert on TV just now & I realize how desperate I am for real food.

I would do anything for a KFC Benditto right now.

had chicken porridge made by hafiz this morning… but now I’m hungry again & I want real food!

and I did enjoy the porridge, I really did. especially since hafiz came all the way over here at 8.30 a.m. to make it.

but now. I want solid food.

not watery concoctions or any other imitation of food.

this desire for solid food is going to reduce me to tears at some point.

I want chicken, meat, chocolates, everything!

think I’ll do some Russian Revolution to distract myself from my horrid predicament.

by the way, catch this cool show on channel i later at 7 p.m. Alive. bout' a plane crash & how the survivors had to succumb to eating their dead friends; due to the crash or freezing cold, out of extreme hunger.

i'm definitely not waching. just in case i decided to do the same.

Saturday, October 04, 2003

appreciating life.

had a nice SMS- chat with fahrur. as usual, that boy can be full of profound insights when he’s feeling smart.

tonight is one of those nights.

was discussing life & how it had brought us quite far… and to wonderful places too.

how God watches over us. how we can actually feel Him watching.

it feels nice. I feel protected. cared for.

kinda made me forget I have 2 wisdom teeth growing at the back of my mouth right now & I cried eating.

been mugging of late. pretty ok. nothing really stressful. I’ll live.

today was nice. went to Ginza Plaza with hafiz to study. pretty quiet. cept’ for kids playing around.

couldn’t enjoy my favourite satays at West Coast Food Center cuz my teeth were killing me.

but all’s good when you’re with the one you love. =P

feel a sense of fear now… now the reality of him entering NS becoming so real… & close.

but I’ll be fine. right? right?

kinda hoping I get hospitalized for wisdom tooth operation. it’s the only way I’ll allow myself a break anyway.

but somehow I can picture myself shrieking as my tooth is being extracted while sitting on the dentist’s chair. sigh.

ah well. I love life at the moment. it’s all good.

thank you, God.

Thursday, October 02, 2003

lalala day

ho humm... today was an ok day...

maybe because i totally forgo studying & decided to take eddie's advice to just... not think.

it's working very well. kinda on a high right now. lol.

got back lit results too. now all of a sudden even mr yeo are into hyperventilating jokes. har di har har.

pretty ok results. nothing fantastic... but hey, i'll live. at least it's been passes.

wouldn't mind a D, cuz' then i'll win a bet & get Haagen- Daaz ice- cream from hafiz. note to doris: this is how i get to eat good food & not lose my own money. hehehe.

hope to pass lit. then i'll pass all 3 a level subs! whoopee!

craving for ferrero rochers right now. ... help, anyone? =P

have sorted out my notes. lit, econs, history, GP. now to separate them to different topics. sigh.

but at least i'm not stressed. yes. this is progress.

i've got a poem i wanna put here. don't ask me why.

cuz' i'm NOT thinking. just doing & doing & doing...

it's kinda fun.

Sitting on the dirty floor
along a quiet underpass
people zooming by
stops once in a while
to stare for a second or two.
Walked around aimlessly
till I came to this spot.
Looking for a peace of mind
a spot that’s one of its kind.
A long quiet tunnel
my only link to the outside world
are the two ends at the side
that shines my only light.
The occasional vehicles drove past
and the few people walked by.
But none stopped to look and see who was on the floor
none cared to understand what I was there for.

1205hrs, 19.2.2000

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

exhaustion.

though i supposedly went to KL for a stress- free holiday, my return home brought so much stress than it totally offset the calmness of the 3- day weekend.

firstly, results. i'm not too pleased. i aimed for C C E. let's not tell the world wide web if i achieved this friggin' goals, eh.

next up, personal pressure. don't ask me why. i keep pushing myself BUT at the same time i can't seem to work.

eddie koh wants to see me to talk to me. *freaks out* my take is that he wanna gimme a list of the Top 10 Cheapest Psychiatrists in Singapore. lol.

finally but most importantly, i am feeling burned out. by studies, school... and a particular friend.

how far can you go to be THERE for someone? i mean, to listen, help, care etc etc.

adviced naz to focus on herself & don't worry bout' other people's problems too much. rich coming from me.

decided today i shall not be a counsellor. 1- i get too personally involved, 2- it'll affect me personally & i'll become depressed. definite no- no.

a friend of mine just broke up with his [bitch of a] girlfriend of 1 year++. fine. sad, sad, boo hoo hoo. i was suicidal after my previous split.

BUT. to the extent of asking me to message her to see if she's interested in other guys & to the extent of asking me to ask her if she wants to talk on the phone. !!!!!

1- i feel very lesbo now, 2- GET OVER HER, DAMMIT. i was sad but i wasn't obsessed. i didn't do prank calls or msg him anonymously or all that rubbish. 3- i know i should have said no, but that's one thing i'm not good at. sigh.

this from a friend of 4 years. i'm sorely disappointed. it was totally selfish of him. knowing i just got my depressing results & feeling quite MUDDLED at the moment.

sometimes, i wonder why i can't goddamn say no & forget it. it wasn't as if he was pleading.

arghhh. now she's msging me still, this bimbo of a flirt, and he keeps calling to ask for updates. i'm going crazy with this on top of my sucky education.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

somebody kill me. why the fucking hell did i put myself through this???

ARHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i feel like screaming at him dammit. fuck it fuck it fuck it. to quote my bruder, fucking fuckity fuck.

dammit faizal. grow up & fucking get over her. she's a bitch who freaking hit you & treated u like a DOG according to u urself. i've sat here patiently listening to u moan & groan bout' your loss but fuck it! she's not worth this sadness you're going through.

wake up faizal. please. before i personally do it forcefully. you're driving me nuts.

don't lose a girlfriend & a best friend in a week, faizal.

my life is such a mess. talk about blackpool. darn it.

i need to go KL again. or at least somewhere primitive.

no human, no technology, no nothing. just me & the world.

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. so fucking tired. ARGHHHH!!!!!!