I am solitary by choice, not circumstances.
I have friends, I'm not lonely.
I have love, I do have a heart.
I can be cold, I am made to be stronger than most.
I can be quiet, I was born to be the only child.
I can be funny and loud, I was taught to always have fun.
I can be anything I want to be. Only because I can.
Hana
Mr. Udders
Maya's Baked Goodies
Nazri
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Aida
Ruz
Ed Koh
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Pisa
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Rome/ Vatican/ Venice
Venice/ Vienna
Prague
Berlin
Amsterdam
Europe In Lomo
Mr. Udders
Maya's Baked Goodies
Nazri
Nadiah
Laremy the Cow
Aida
Ruz
Ed Koh
Travels
New York I
New York II
New York III
New York IV
New York V
Melbourne I
Melbourne II
Melbourne III
Melbourne IV
Melbourne V
Liverpool
London
Paris
Lisbon
Barcelona
Fez
Milan
Pisa
Rome
Rome/ Vatican/ Venice
Venice/ Vienna
Prague
Berlin
Amsterdam
Europe In Lomo
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Bituwin -
Blogskin
Edited by Yours Truly.
Blog Title is E.B. White's famous words, rephrased.
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
the usual. the tears, the joy, the happy dance, the tiny little jig...
oh. yes. and how could i forget.
the hyperventilating.
sigh.
grades so far are... ok- ish. not totally demoralising.
don't really feel stupid. yet.
wait till i fail literature. then we'll talk.
feel so stressed now. for no reason whatsoever.
i think i'll go crazy just taking back exam results. jeezlebubs!
*takes deep breaths*
must learn to relax, according to hafiz. wish it was that easy.
i'm doing better than i've done in 2 whole years and yet i am not satisfied.
i keep pushing myself for more & i keep putting more pressure on myself to do better & better.
aarghh. i'm going crazy just thinking of results & A Levels & lit papers & my E for history...
baah. and hafiz, that lucky little pook, got D for econs & history. shitty lil' smartass.
good thing he's my boyfriend or i'll just bash him up for being smarter than me.
my, my. are we feeling competitive today.
i think i'm just tired. but hafiz provides good competition.
argghhh. i've gotta stop talking bout' the freakin papers!!!
but i can't. what a geek.
i'm such a lifeless moron.
oh oh.
"i'm- so - stupid" feeling is kicking in.
dammit.
Monday, September 29, 2003
Departure Day
took the MRT to Kranji & then transferred to a shuttle to JB. had dinner @ Angsana Shopping Centre before heading to Larkin Bus Interchange to grab a 9.30 p.m. bus to KL.
smooth journey. 'cept for an auntie on the next aisle gabbing on the phone for the initial few hours. she was one fiered- up lady. was talking so fast it sounded like canto- rap. lol.
reached KL @ 2 a.m. Keep it in mind our hotel check- in time was 2 p.m.
Day One begins...
while bumming near the interchange thinking of something to do, i noticed some interesting things bout' KL.
1. a building named Telefunken. i don't know if it still sounds funny now but it was ticklish at 2 a.m. to see a building named Telefunken. they must sell VERRRY funky phones.
2. there's a cab company there named S & M. i'm not kidding. couldn't they come up with simpler names like, comfort or citycab? jeezlebubs. what the hell do they do in the cab? handcuff you & chain you up? whip you? and wear leather pantsuits? oh gross...
3. the killer was the S & M Shopping Centre. whuuh.... KL- ians must really be into sadomasochism. Dennis Yeo would be proud...
so. me & mum had no accomadation for the next 12 hours. first instinct? grab a stay at a cheapo hotel. wandered round the interchange area, but all the hotels seemed... eew.
took a cab down to Megamall. From there, wandered round KL. and i MEAN, KL. we walked up Chow Kit, Jalan Tun Abdul Razak, yadayadayada. summary: we walked at least 7 miles. i'm serious. just looking for hotels. took us till 4.30 a.m. to realize it futile.
we then WALKED back to our hotel to leave our luggage first. YES, we were walking around with it. talk about BACKPACKING. someone say, psycho? from the hotel, took a cab to the city area. in search for 24- hours foodie place.
ate at a prata stall & bummed there till' 5.30 a.m. walking out, we saw the Petronas Twin Towers, and it seemed near. we are mad women.
walked all the way from Bangsar area to Suria KLCC shopping centre. translation: that's like, erm... from PJC current site to Westmall. i'm not kidding.
got there at 6.40 a.m. sat at the water fountain and just slacked... till 8 a.m.
from there, we entered the building, bought some magazines & sat in the park to read it. at 9- ish a.m., went in again to get some food & from there... the shopping began...
finally left KLCC @ 1- ish p.m. to return to our hotel, Vistana. once there, i took a long, hot shower & flopped into bed....
and woke up at 7 p.m. Headed to Megamall, which is like, walking distance away, for some dinner & some shopping. then my mum's friend fetched us & brought us sight- seeing to the coolest places. went to this hilltop... saw the whole of KL + Genting Highlands. coolbeans.
Day Two of MORE shopping...
went back & slept my way through till 11 a.m. was raining so decided to soak in the tub instead of going for a swim.
mum called to tell me to head to Megamall. had light lunch at Starbucks. the Ipanema chocolate cake is .... *sighs* absoluuuutely orgasmic. all that cream & chocolate & ... sigh. heaven.
after buying some stuffs there, headed back to KLCC to complete my itinerary. the mango + topshop stuff there are like KILLER- CHEAP!!! dang i wished FOR A MOMENT i was a malaysian. but the sight of mahathir change my mind. lol.
ended shopping trip at 6- ish. heade back to the hotel for some R & R. my cousins from Port Dickson came down to stay-over cuz it's been awhile. put on our best outfits & stepped out of the hotel in class. headed to Saloma Theatre Restaurant for some yummy dinner. *Saloma is an old famous singer from the 60s era.
the food was glorious. a buffet that had satay, spaghetti, rice, roast chicken with black pepper [oh yum yum!] & muh favourite: the potato thingo. it wasn't really mashed potatos cuz the potatos were soft & sliced not mashed. but it had buttery thing in it so it tasted like a much thicker, creamier mashed potato. KFC: watch... and learn.
wandered around KL till 2+ a.m. before heading back to the hotel to sleep away...
Day Three
woke up earlier... say, 11.30 a.m.? lol. brunched at Dusit Villa- yummy Thai cuisine. the salad, the prawns, the chilli beef, the triple- flavoured fish... sumptuous. desserts? heavenly mangoes in sticky rice, tapioca in coconut milk, durian "pudding", tako, red ruby... the list goes on. we're a family of five sweet- tooths.
headed down to the famous street, Jln Masjid India [KL's Geylang] to get Baju Melayu for Hafiz. you know, the traditional Malay costume that guys' wear for Hari Raya. it's yellow, and matches my new Baju Kurung. =)))
heade back once i got my stuff and started packing at 3- ish. check- out is at 2 p.m. but we extended it till 5 p.m. Oh the luxury of lying down on that clean white sheets. and their soft fluffy white towels! sigh.
all packed & ready to go at 4. 15 p.m. Headed to Puduraya, and got tickets for the 5 p.m. trip. talk about speed. said our farewells to my dear dear cousins whom i missed so much before boarding the bus with my huge backpack & hugeR shopping bags.
la dee da dee da...
home at 11.15 pm. as lovely and relaxing as it was to be bathing in all that luxury in KL, it felt nice to be home. and to know i would never NOT have accomadation for 12 hours all of a sudden!
and yes... it was lovely to be back among familiar places in a familiar environment. and to see the person missed most the next day.
aah. lovely.
Thursday, September 25, 2003
firstly... let me correct certain misconceptions...
i am NOT going to KL with hafiz. sadly.
it's me n my mum only... girly weekend.
well. today was the last paper.
hence commenting on the paper will ceed insignificant. thus i shan't bother.
but it was a shitty paper.
but when it comes to fiza all papers are shitty. hahahaha.
BUT. it doesn't matter....
cuz in a matter of hours i'll be shopping in KL!!!!
bye singapore n your silly system! bye mr kwek n your stupid morning talks! bye crazy weather who can't make up your mind!
damn. if only it's a permanent goodbye.
but i'll miss some stuffs. like...
operas. esplanade. the drain across my house. singapore dollar. my ATM card. my BEEPING handphone. the 7- 11 two blocks away. my laptop. internet. lot 1 [yea rite]. Gelare Cafe. Orchard. hmm... did i miss out anything?
fine, fine.
i'll miss you guys too. =P
ta- ta now! gotta pack up... have a good weekend people! only break left till the wretched A's!
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
and... er... did i mention, high?
actually just two.
no wait! three.
no wait. k i'm high.
wooooooooooo........
lol. lemme regain my composure.
*takes deep breath*
aaah. ok. i'm ok now. k. from the top...
history paper sucked. i did a 'doris' during history 2 just now. meaning? i fall asleep.
!!!
can't help it. woke up at 4 a.m. to mug. not as if i remembered a single shit la. grr.
slept twice, five minutes each, depriving me a grand total of 10 minutes, with which i couldn't have done much anyway but at least i have something to blame my F on. haa...
what a lao- sai sentence i have there. woteva.
after history. was raining. too bad no storm to tear the school apart. [yes i'm full of wishy washy dreams today.]
but it stopped. so plans to head to...... SENTOSA!!!! went on.
got to the beach.... it was so yummily deliciously overwhelmingly wonderfuuul.
sun sand sea again. i need it la. heh.
sentosa's beaches are waaaaaaay more beautiful than changi's. though they lose out on the airplanes fly- by part.
so i got my sentosa wish, my tan, and.... my chocolate!! ate two mini operas... i want more! more! more! arghh!
*cue for orgasmic sounds*
lol. i am so crazy today. somebody stop me!!!
feel so brown n baked right now. like a hot deli potato. ???
oh oh oh! and i'm heading to KL tomorrow! till sunday! whee!
shopping! leave singapore! wow! all my dreams are coming true!
and why! do! i! keep! screaming?!!!! hahahaha.
so that leaves me with escape... more shopping... more chocolates... and more time with hafiz...
my my. sounds like i'll be having a good time.
will start studying next weekend onwards... or so.
but for now...
it's time to pamper myself! hotels, room service, pool, chocolates, shopping... gasp! shopping!
KLCC Shopping Centre, here i comeeeee!
oh by the way... i really really love you guys. really. muacks!
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
back from changi with the best boyfriend the world has.
ate the yummy oh- so- delicious nasi lemak there. scrumptuous. on top of that, we ended the day with waffles + ice- cream from Gelare Cafe. orgasmic food alert.
the breezy wind at changi blew my worries away... so what if i flunk my life away? the beach will still love me and the sun will still shine.
hehe. doncha lurve it when i put it that way? lol.
soaked in the sea... and there were two lost fishies kept swimming near shore. tried to catch them but hey, we ain't no fishermen.
oh. we built sand- condos. complete with a swimming pool. [albeit a sandy one.]
yes... time has indeed changed us.
we're no longer the carefree sunkissed kids of the 90s. we're now the money- hungry 5- Cs chasing youths of the 21st century, building dream homes out of sand, instead of dreamy castles.
no. 1 sign that you've grown up.
what's with me and old mould talk? harumph.
anyway... i feel younger now.
slurp.
*wipes away blood from lips* =P
ate the yummy oh- so- delicious nasi lemak there. scrumptuous. on top of that, we ended the day with waffles + ice- cream from Gelare Cafe. orgasmic food alert.
the breezy wind at changi blew my worries away... so what if i flunk my life away? the beach will still love me and the sun will still shine.
hehe. doncha lurve it when i put it that way? lol.
soaked in the sea... and there were two lost fishies kept swimming near shore. tried to catch them but hey, we ain't no fishermen.
oh. we built sand- condos. complete with a swimming pool. [albeit a sandy one.]
yes... time has indeed changed us.
we're no longer the carefree sunkissed kids of the 90s. we're now the money- hungry 5- Cs chasing youths of the 21st century, building dream homes out of sand, instead of dreamy castles.
no. 1 sign that you've grown up.
what's with me and old mould talk? harumph.
anyway... i feel younger now.
slurp.
*wipes away blood from lips* =P
feeling old. ancient, possibly.
hiak, hiak. didn't know Emmy's were capable of these sentiments.
on a brighter note entirely, i'm heading to Changi tomorrow. it's supposed to be a surprise but i guessed it already.
but it was a sweet effort my dear.
hmm. he looks so young & boy- ish, don't he?
that hafiz.
hmm. maybe i should suck his blood tomorrow...
gotta get my youth back.
Sunday, September 21, 2003
1. leave Singapore for at least 48 hours. this rigidity in this wretched system will kill me before i even know it.
2. go to E.S.C.A.P.E THEMEPARK. god bless the midget in the system who came up with the idea of creating a given land area dedicated to letting people scream like crazy & get wet at a very princely sum, no less. aptly named, too, i must say.
3. head to sentosa. another one brightspark the midget in the system had produced. god bless you, midget. i need the beach but not the oil, dirt & beach glass that comes with it as you will see if in E.C.P or Changi.
4. visit Changi; NOT for the beach, but the atmosphere. and the spanking good nasi lemak.
5. shop. shop. shop. to redeem myself after saving up cash for weeks.
6. eat quality chocolates. godiva, belgian, truffles, the works.
7. get a tan. somehow i feel pale when i tried on my prom dress recently. time to get dark. bet all ya fair birds out there are laughing but hey, that's me. i feel sick if i'm not tanned. lol.
8. last but definitely not least of my priorities, i want quality time with my sweets. it's high- time.
and at the end of it all, of course, i would want WORLD PEACE. thank you.
we've grown older by yesterday
time has faded the love oaths on the wall
yet decades can't make this love fade away
we've lost the shine and gloss of fresh love
we've won the familiarity & comfort of old couples
we've got the faith and stability of eternity
but it cost us sparks, butterflies & frivolity
Saturday, September 20, 2003
You are the Dragon of Fire. You are passionate,
vengeful, consuming and have lethal hot temper.
What type of Dragon are you? With pics
brought to you by Quizilla
well? is any of my "many exes" gonna leave me a shout- out telling me that's not me? lol. how cute. all this anonymous people who think they know me so well. it's so sweet of u to try & pretend but really, i don't need someone goin' round saying, "i know you, fiza."
cuz' really, how WELL can u possibly know me? it's so subjective, don't you agree? you think you know me, but that's just what you think. if you think knowing my favourite colour quantifies knowing me, think again. if you think knowing my favourite food quantifies knowing me, think again. if you think those snippets of info you got to know when we were apparently TOGETHER since you claim to be my ex, is enough to qualify you as KNOWING fiza, think again. even if you have found out big, juicy, gossip about me since, and you think that's what makes me ME; think again. and again. and again.
nobody will ever really get to know you cuz we're constantly changing. what you knew then, my dear ex, may not be what i am now. if it seems that way to you, so be it. individuals are granted their individual judgements. and i, my dear ex, have come to THIS conclusion: you don't know know the first thing that is needed to be known about me. and you boldly claim "tats not u". a bit off, doncha think, ma dear ex?
or then again, maybe you're just a very bitter ex i seem to have forgotten... *giggles* poor you...
well. excuse that bitch who was rambling up there. heh. someone switched on ma bitch mode. ooh. actually, that feels good. been awhile since i last bitched. dum dee da dee.
today is ultimately feel- good saturday. whoo hoo! woke up at elevens to hafiz's ringing the doorbell. thank god we planned to meet at my place instead of elsewhere. god knows how long that poor dear would have had to wait then. bathed, and suddenly felt great pain. gastric?
Enlightenment: last thing i ate was at 4 p.m. the previous day. *aaah...* it figures. yup. gastric.
so i changed & hafiz made me quakeroats. yummm. sticky gooey sweet chewy chunky oats. and made by someone else too. haha. me being the lazy bum that i am.
mugged from 12 to 1- ish. then went for a "short lunch" with mum as she was going to JB.
here, the adventure begins.
2. ate at delifrance. slurp.
3. mum left for JB. we finished the food. burp.
4. walked home.
5. almost at my void deck, i asked hafiz, "You have my keys right?"
6. "HUH?! I thought it was with you?" "NO." "NO?" "No." "Oh my god." "OH. MY. GOD."
7. call mum. already at admiralty waiting for her ride. ride would be there in minutes.
8. called my cousin who lived at admiralty to take keys from mum before her ride came.
9. me, being the light traveller [shout- out to bruder], did not even bring my ez- link nor cash or ATM. major crisis.
10. hafiz, the poor dear, only had a grand total of $2.75. savvy.
11. was crossing the road when i got the idea of calling up people.
12. called faizal. who was asleep but i made his sister wake him up. faizal: i am sooo sorry.
13. went back to his place to borrow cash. thankfully nearby.
14. he opened the door half- naked with hair bigger than tina turner. positive externality: totally blew away any previous
he's- cute sentiments i had for him. negative externality: realized that he's more a HOT variety. haha. but no, i still love my hafiz.
15. FINALLY made our way back to the train station whereby we received a call from my cousin informing us of a change of venue to woodlands mrt instead.
16. finally got on board, travelled the few stations, got to woodlands and the blasted keys. sigh. ended up having some cinnamon rolls with the leftover cash. and wandered around metro.
all in all, a fun- filled, exciting but tiring day. all that travelling and thinking of plan a and plan b. sigh.
but it was fun. got home. finished econs mcq. 27/ 29! yes! hope to repeat this miracle on monday. haha.
and hafiz the poor dear fall asleep cuz he was pooped. haha.
well that will teach him for being so deaf. haha. okays. will go back to studying now.
DRQ & Case Study. i can do it! *self- motivating the lazy bum in me*
Friday, September 19, 2003
SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Quiet but able to talk well. Cool, Calm and collected. Kind, sympathetic, and caring. Concerned and detailed. Trustworthy, loyal and honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive, easily hurt. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding, able to listen to out both sides. Fun to be around. Loves to laugh and enjoy life. Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Choosy especially in relationships. Loves wide varity of things. Systematic, goes with the flow.
hmm.
interesting. but i don't think all that fits me. "Clever and knowledgeable"? ya rite. prelims result will SOO dispense that.
and don't think all september babies are like that. lalalala.
feeling bored. can't wait for "She's All That." lurve that movie. now watching survivor. so.... passe.
o
n
e
s
t
l
y
?
can't wait for tomorrow. breakfast with him. lol. *Bryan: sorryyyy!*
lol. i'm going crazy. never mind.
la la la la la.
i feel revived.
finally reclaimed all those lost sleep- hours. yummy.
woke up at erm... some time, and met hafiz for lunch.
ate at sakura & wandered around bp plaza just being lazy bums.
aah. the beauty of a paper- less day.
i feel relaxed... healthy... alive. unlike few days ago.
tomorrow, i shall study but i would not go back to my crazy mug- till- i- die mode.
i'll take it easy... absorb what i can... and leave the rest for after prelims.
need to save myself for a levels rite? just wouldn't do having me dying before a levels. ahaks.
bout' me & him.
maybe it's time to recall the old days. when we just got together. the sleepless nights knowing we'll meet the next day. the innocence of a kiss and the gentleness of our touch. time to remember the risks we took to get together & the joy you felt when i said yes, and the joy i felt when you told me you liked me. time to feel happy to be together. to appreciate not just each other, but THIS. this thing we have here that no word can explain. cuz' i love you, and i wouldn't want to lose you to anything or anyone. and i'll do anything to save this. cuz i know you'll do the same.
there. now i'll watch some tv, eat chocolate, get fat & smile happily about it.
try it. it's VERRRY thereaupatic.
finally reclaimed all those lost sleep- hours. yummy.
woke up at erm... some time, and met hafiz for lunch.
ate at sakura & wandered around bp plaza just being lazy bums.
aah. the beauty of a paper- less day.
i feel relaxed... healthy... alive. unlike few days ago.
tomorrow, i shall study but i would not go back to my crazy mug- till- i- die mode.
i'll take it easy... absorb what i can... and leave the rest for after prelims.
need to save myself for a levels rite? just wouldn't do having me dying before a levels. ahaks.
bout' me & him.
maybe it's time to recall the old days. when we just got together. the sleepless nights knowing we'll meet the next day. the innocence of a kiss and the gentleness of our touch. time to remember the risks we took to get together & the joy you felt when i said yes, and the joy i felt when you told me you liked me. time to feel happy to be together. to appreciate not just each other, but THIS. this thing we have here that no word can explain. cuz' i love you, and i wouldn't want to lose you to anything or anyone. and i'll do anything to save this. cuz i know you'll do the same.
there. now i'll watch some tv, eat chocolate, get fat & smile happily about it.
try it. it's VERRRY thereaupatic.
i guess i am about to create a miracle.
haha.
at least i'm happy about it.
screw exams.
hellooooooo life.
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
knew this was bound to happen. it was a matter of time.
in case you don't know what i'm talking about, i'm rambling tonight, about my exam withdrawal syptoms, otherwise known as mental breakdown whereby i become a walking zombie.
for those of you who missed this ground- breaking scientific exposition this morning, good for you. it's ugly.
i stumble, i can't walk straight, i can't think, i can't keep my eyes open.
why?
because i suffer every night before my paper wondering how badly i would do. this then evokes great fear, which then results in me staying awake trying to recalls points on european history/ economics/ gothic lit/ hard times/ ant & cleo/ john donne/ etc. * (delete where applicable.)
due to foggy brain cells, this proves futile, and i then get off my bed, head to the living room, where i then stay up for hours to mug.
and mug.
and mug.
and go to school stoned.
then i get fever. my body aches. latest addition; i turn slightly blue, and my nails become purplish. *checks if teeth grows sharper & tries to climb walls*
maybe i am vladmir dracula afterall.
good luck people. don't let this happen to you.
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
sue me. i'm a girl.
he decided to give it a break. a pause in the middle of the song. a gap in the middle of the story. a time apart. space. of sorts.
i complied. it's for the best, isn't it?
it hurts. of course. no matter how reasonable the cause it hurts. i'm not blaming anyone i'm just saying it hurts. when one decides he wants time away from you. it's GOT to hurt.
so i tried to study. i read and i read and i read and i read. but nothing seems to go in. i wasn't thinking of him and yet at the same time he was distracting my thoughts. if only he was a dictator. or had unified italy. or at least be a possible question on Euro History.
but no, he's just a guy that i stupidly love. i wish i was as rational & cold & indifferent as i portray myself to be. but i'm not so that's that.
then.
he comes to my door with two roses & an apology. rings the doorbell & asks my mum for me.
i hear his voice. and my heart starts doing gymnastics.
i go to the gate. he says sorry.
i should have said, "You can't hurt me and apologize and do everything at one time. You can't hurt me & heal me within hours. It confuses me. It hurts. I'm not an emotional tap you can turn on or turn off. I am constantly feeling things. I can't keep up with your fluctuations. I don't want to keep setting myself up for a disappointment whenever we make plans. I don't want to be able to predict the potential disappointment. I want to be able to hope in this relationship. Cuz' there's no where else for me to put hopes. If I can't hope here I can't hope anywhere. I want to feel loved. I want to feel happy. I want to feel pampered. I don't want to be the one compromising all the time. I don't want to be the understanding, accepting one all the time. I want to get what I want for once. I want a surprise every now and then. I know you can't spend on me like I spend on you but at least show you appreciate my gestures. Show me you love me. Don't just say it. I'm becoming immuned to our fights. It's too frequent. I want us to step back and see what's wrong before we make another step forward."
but no. i just took the flowers, smiled, and melted like putty in his arms.
and i walked him to the taxi stand. though we're still giving each other the space, now he knows I am not mad at him. shitte. vulnerability exposed alert. and though he can hurt me like hell, he also knows how to make me putty in his hands.
someone hit me on the head for being such a wuss.
but then again don't.
might lose the brain cells i'll be needing to mug till tomorrow morning.
he decided to give it a break. a pause in the middle of the song. a gap in the middle of the story. a time apart. space. of sorts.
i complied. it's for the best, isn't it?
it hurts. of course. no matter how reasonable the cause it hurts. i'm not blaming anyone i'm just saying it hurts. when one decides he wants time away from you. it's GOT to hurt.
so i tried to study. i read and i read and i read and i read. but nothing seems to go in. i wasn't thinking of him and yet at the same time he was distracting my thoughts. if only he was a dictator. or had unified italy. or at least be a possible question on Euro History.
but no, he's just a guy that i stupidly love. i wish i was as rational & cold & indifferent as i portray myself to be. but i'm not so that's that.
he comes to my door with two roses & an apology. rings the doorbell & asks my mum for me.
i hear his voice. and my heart starts doing gymnastics.
i go to the gate. he says sorry.
i should have said, "You can't hurt me and apologize and do everything at one time. You can't hurt me & heal me within hours. It confuses me. It hurts. I'm not an emotional tap you can turn on or turn off. I am constantly feeling things. I can't keep up with your fluctuations. I don't want to keep setting myself up for a disappointment whenever we make plans. I don't want to be able to predict the potential disappointment. I want to be able to hope in this relationship. Cuz' there's no where else for me to put hopes. If I can't hope here I can't hope anywhere. I want to feel loved. I want to feel happy. I want to feel pampered. I don't want to be the one compromising all the time. I don't want to be the understanding, accepting one all the time. I want to get what I want for once. I want a surprise every now and then. I know you can't spend on me like I spend on you but at least show you appreciate my gestures. Show me you love me. Don't just say it. I'm becoming immuned to our fights. It's too frequent. I want us to step back and see what's wrong before we make another step forward."
but no. i just took the flowers, smiled, and melted like putty in his arms.
and i walked him to the taxi stand. though we're still giving each other the space, now he knows I am not mad at him. shitte. vulnerability exposed alert. and though he can hurt me like hell, he also knows how to make me putty in his hands.
someone hit me on the head for being such a wuss.
but then again don't.
might lose the brain cells i'll be needing to mug till tomorrow morning.
Monday, September 15, 2003
the econs paper was horrible!!!
horrid horrid horrid.
i never thought nightmares could come true but hey... more magical things have happened to me before.
sigh. didn't get to finish my paper. for once i got lots of content but noooo. i HAD to leave out 1 1/2 question. i am never going to pass econs.
blaaah.
oh. when i was doing my 2nd question, this weird feeling came over me.
to just put down my pen and just walk off, give up. don't know why.
maybe cuz' i realized there wasn't enough time left for me to finish all 3 essays.
which i didn't anyway but that's not the point here.
it was weird. never felt that way before. and it was a very strong urge. to just walk off from the paper.
i guess i was too stressed. i almost screamed when the stupid man said times up. sigh. i am such a worrywart.
so anal when it comes to exams. eddie koh says i'm obsessed. hahahaha.
but that urge was worrying. and the moment i felt it, it never went away. took me lots of determination to complete the paper that i knew i couldn't complete. maybe that's why i couldn't complete? *confused*
anyway i'm rambling. but i fear that feeling might return. when i feel the pressure is too much and i just wanna walk off and forget the whole thing.
hafiz said thank god i had the common sense to stay. of course. i'm a rational person. but for someone as rational as me, all the more that urge to walk off was pretty darn scary.
sigh.
wandered round town & city hall before heading to esplanade with hafiz where we were subsequently chased out for studying and ended up at mrs. fields munching cookies & muffins & sipping peppermint tea while reading gothic on a comfy but VERY red sofa. and who could forget the hip- hop & pop music they played?
which totally contrasted the spanish OPERA that haagen daaz cafe was playing right across at full blast?
"... picture this we were both but naked banging on the bedroom floor.... *loud soprano voice* LAAAAAA..... VAAA...... SEEEE.... .NIII...... OOOOOO- QUUE............ how could i forget that i had given her the extra keys, all along we were banging there she was standing right in front of me...."
by the end of it all, the two DIVERSE music genres had pretty much merged into a messy musical item in our heads. lol.
sat down at the large area where the b- dancers always are to slack & mug a lil. interesting people, our singaporeans.
anyways. i think i love hafiz alot today. haha. wat the....
ignore me. this is just withdrawal symptoms of mugging.
Sunday, September 14, 2003
throb
throb
throb
throb
if i die, write in my epitath i died studying econs.
and throbbing.
throb
throb
throb
throb
some last minute cramming & then... to face the hell.
screw prelims la. too exhausted & stressed to care.
i realize my problem is that i stress too much and it turns out nothing goes in anymore.
oh well.
or i could just be really stupid. bleaah.
feeling stupid... la la la.... feeling dumb & stupid.... ho humm...
can't stand it. staring at these econs essay outlines now & whoosh! the words just flew past me.
arghhh.... how am i going to do this? how will i make it? how how how?!!! *howls*
sickening. absolutely sickening. when you understand what you read but when the occasion calls for it, you recall shit.
peanuts. why am i such a brainless peewit?
arghhhhh. and i haven't even touched aNY euro history stuff. or gothic. or sea history.
*screams*
i wish tomorrow and the whole of next two weeks would just miraculously disappear down a big black hole and never come back...
i should shut up & start studying... but i can't!!!!!
nothing is going in!!!! was i this stupid all along????!!!!!
gaaaaaaaargheegjtrhjtrhjrudmbmhiowjoiqhwqnfmbxqugjbnieurtywjnvgnh!
screw prelims la. too exhausted & stressed to care.
i realize my problem is that i stress too much and it turns out nothing goes in anymore.
oh well.
or i could just be really stupid. bleaah.
feeling stupid... la la la.... feeling dumb & stupid.... ho humm...
can't stand it. staring at these econs essay outlines now & whoosh! the words just flew past me.
arghhh.... how am i going to do this? how will i make it? how how how?!!! *howls*
sickening. absolutely sickening. when you understand what you read but when the occasion calls for it, you recall shit.
peanuts. why am i such a brainless peewit?
arghhhhh. and i haven't even touched aNY euro history stuff. or gothic. or sea history.
*screams*
i wish tomorrow and the whole of next two weeks would just miraculously disappear down a big black hole and never come back...
i should shut up & start studying... but i can't!!!!!
nothing is going in!!!! was i this stupid all along????!!!!!
gaaaaaaaargheegjtrhjtrhjrudmbmhiowjoiqhwqnfmbxqugjbnieurtywjnvgnh!
Saturday, September 13, 2003
emptiness
echoing within
reverberating silence
pained with anger and sin
no laughter, nor tears
no emotions appear
a soul so empty
it echoes
silence.
9/13/2003 6:56:03 PM
My inner child is six years old!
Look what I can do! I can walk, I can run, I can
read! I like to do stuff, and there's a whole
big world out there to do it in. Just so long
as I can take my blankie and my Mommy and my
three best friends with me, of course.
How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla
er... and i thought doris's 10- year- old was bad. haha.
today i'll do john donne quotes & some gothic. SOME.
wait. i'm SIX?
what am i studying for???
sigh. wish i was six. life was probably perfect then. too bad i never took the time to appreciate it.
to all who have showed their concern due to the previous entry, THANK YOU SOOO MUCH.
i'm fine now. all ok. thanks people.
just realized prelims is in 2 days, a levels is in 2 months... meaning death is only INCHES away. sigh. i wish i wasn't so sure i'll fail this prelims but i am. i expect nothing more than an O O E.
E being lit of course. what else.
better mug now. sigh. so sick of this.
Thursday, September 11, 2003
nothing else matters... cuz' nobody else cares.
walked home from school in the rain while holding 2 umbrellas in my hand. 35 minutes of pain, tears and anger.
my feet are blistered, sore & swollen. not like it matters. who am i?
will channel all this anonymous feelings into mugging. that's what i do best. no. that's the only thing i'm capable of.
i just feel like collapsing. and lying there to crumble. and die.
love. love? love... i was wrong.
love is a lie. yet i fell for it.
hook...
line....
sinker.
dumb me.
only you can cure my pain....
and only you can cause me such pain.
just my luck.
How could an angel break my heart
Wh didn't he catch my falling star
I wish I didn't wish so hard
Maybe I wish our love apart
How could an angel break my heart
Oh my soul is dying, it's crying
I'm trying to understand
Please help me
tonight, it's just me & the world. nothing else matters. nobody else cares.
me & the world. tonight. alone.
yea.
walked home from school in the rain while holding 2 umbrellas in my hand. 35 minutes of pain, tears and anger.
my feet are blistered, sore & swollen. not like it matters. who am i?
will channel all this anonymous feelings into mugging. that's what i do best. no. that's the only thing i'm capable of.
i just feel like collapsing. and lying there to crumble. and die.
love. love? love... i was wrong.
love is a lie. yet i fell for it.
hook...
line....
sinker.
dumb me.
and only you can cause me such pain.
just my luck.
Wh didn't he catch my falling star
I wish I didn't wish so hard
Maybe I wish our love apart
How could an angel break my heart
Oh my soul is dying, it's crying
I'm trying to understand
Please help me
tonight, it's just me & the world. nothing else matters. nobody else cares.
me & the world. tonight. alone.
yea.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
tis' the season to have bad dreams, fa- la- la- la- la, la- la, la- la...
is it just me or did we ALL have bad/ weird dreams last night? or at least was involved in one? *recalls: gugu jiao & his spears & 17th century swords* lol.
well. i had one, too. ::cue for twilight zone theme song::
i was supposed to head down to KL to meet my mum. god knows why i didn't leave with her, but nvm.
so apparently, i got HORRIBLY sidetracked, and me & a buncha teens & a lil' girl [huh?] got trapped in a decripit, rotten, no- electricity mansion. owned by psychopaths & man- eaters, no less.
the house was full of corpses and bones and skulls and other gory shtuf. eek. -at this point, i should mention how this dream was a cross between the matrix & house of a 1000 corpses by rob zombie- *shudders*
so there we were running round the house trying to escape. but there was none. major entrapment. doors led to other doors and other rooms. [matrix theme here.] as for the owner & his servants, they don't go out in broad daylight. somehow. they just CAN'T leave their mansion. curse of the black pearl? ...
then we were caught and about to be tortured [before being EATEN!]. but somehow the MASTER; the ultimate madman, decided that one of the boys wasn't to his liking or APPETITE, and decided to set him free. sobs. we were allowed to roam as there's apparently no exit anyway so me & lil' girl followed. the servant walked the boy to the main door. and when the door opened, the view was..... WHOAH.
it was bright & sunny & just across was a railway track and an old- fashioned village with kids chasing chickens. the beauty of the outside was in such sharp contrast with the horribly dark & ominous state within the mansion.
while the servant was opening the door, the master called her/ him/ it up. so IT stupidly left the door & gate open halfway. teen boy calmly walked out as he was free, but lil' girl and me ran out.
but the main gate out of the compound was far so we had to climb up sharp, pointy fences meant to kill. made it through alive & unscathed.
ran along the track, caught a train, & called my mum to tell her i'll be delayed a little. like nothing happened. but the train crashed, and i had to walk my way with the other passengers. some who seemed damn weird. and freaky. and i kept losing sight of the human chain walking through the forested area. finally made it to a village. where i guess i took a cab to KL. phew. horrible horrible dream.
there's more to it but that's pretty much it. scary.
will watch tv now & not think of it. *shudders*
is it just me or did we ALL have bad/ weird dreams last night? or at least was involved in one? *recalls: gugu jiao & his spears & 17th century swords* lol.
well. i had one, too. ::cue for twilight zone theme song::
i was supposed to head down to KL to meet my mum. god knows why i didn't leave with her, but nvm.
so apparently, i got HORRIBLY sidetracked, and me & a buncha teens & a lil' girl [huh?] got trapped in a decripit, rotten, no- electricity mansion. owned by psychopaths & man- eaters, no less.
the house was full of corpses and bones and skulls and other gory shtuf. eek. -at this point, i should mention how this dream was a cross between the matrix & house of a 1000 corpses by rob zombie- *shudders*
so there we were running round the house trying to escape. but there was none. major entrapment. doors led to other doors and other rooms. [matrix theme here.] as for the owner & his servants, they don't go out in broad daylight. somehow. they just CAN'T leave their mansion. curse of the black pearl? ...
then we were caught and about to be tortured [before being EATEN!]. but somehow the MASTER; the ultimate madman, decided that one of the boys wasn't to his liking or APPETITE, and decided to set him free. sobs. we were allowed to roam as there's apparently no exit anyway so me & lil' girl followed. the servant walked the boy to the main door. and when the door opened, the view was..... WHOAH.
it was bright & sunny & just across was a railway track and an old- fashioned village with kids chasing chickens. the beauty of the outside was in such sharp contrast with the horribly dark & ominous state within the mansion.
while the servant was opening the door, the master called her/ him/ it up. so IT stupidly left the door & gate open halfway. teen boy calmly walked out as he was free, but lil' girl and me ran out.
but the main gate out of the compound was far so we had to climb up sharp, pointy fences meant to kill. made it through alive & unscathed.
ran along the track, caught a train, & called my mum to tell her i'll be delayed a little. like nothing happened. but the train crashed, and i had to walk my way with the other passengers. some who seemed damn weird. and freaky. and i kept losing sight of the human chain walking through the forested area. finally made it to a village. where i guess i took a cab to KL. phew. horrible horrible dream.
there's more to it but that's pretty much it. scary.
will watch tv now & not think of it. *shudders*
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
as promised...
the link to see birthday piccies... not all are up cuz the other film ain't used up yet. copy n paste the addie ya? it's the "birthday" album. apologies: i'm in a hurry to mug ant & cleo now.
http://sg.f2.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/lim_fiz/lst?.dir=/birthday!&.src=ph&.view=t&BCID=lim_fiz
enjoy!
p.s. check out "the cutie!"
the link to see birthday piccies... not all are up cuz the other film ain't used up yet. copy n paste the addie ya? it's the "birthday" album. apologies: i'm in a hurry to mug ant & cleo now.
http://sg.f2.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/lim_fiz/lst?.dir=/birthday!&.src=ph&.view=t&BCID=lim_fiz
enjoy!
p.s. check out "the cutie!"
quizzical moment.
bout' to go to bed now. i try my best to write happy shit here but at the moment i just need to get it out of my system before i go to sleep.
but i read somewhere bout' how "MANY people hates" me. hmm.
not like it's a surprise. what's new round 'ere? been there, done that.
however. i would think the bitching & the gossiping would taper down with the prelims & a's round the corner. but hey, people are full of surprises, aren't they?
i am not going to mention names. cuz they don't come here anyway. i try to make this friends' only. but if you didn't get my addie from me & you feel a tinge of familiarity at these rants and raves: Welcome bitch, you're uninvited.
i understand how one can really N.O.T. get along with people. it's part of life. nature. i can mention thousands of girls i don't get along with. maybe because i was brought up among males as the only child. i have a tendency to the male specimen which can be misinterpreted as flirting. that is entirely up to each indivual's judgement cuz those who knows me..... knows me. and those who don't.... they're opinions aren't important enough to me.
feel bitter. feel sore. feel bitchy. sleep around. do what you goddamn please. go on with your lovely two- face act. i know people who hates you too. i wasn't planning on gushing about it but hey... why not aight? since hatred of others is of common interest nowadays.
i do not understand this fascination with hatred & bitching. i'm sorry. i guess i'm an exception to the norm. i just can't be bothered i guess. cuz i know as much as i hate someone, someone else hates me back just as much. or maybe more. so why not just live happy, be with happy people, and shut the fuck up? i'm not disillusioned. if you have a father passed away making you aware of deaths at 12 you can't possibly be disillusioned about life even if you wanted to. i'm not jaded. i know life has it's downs. i'm not saying we should all have fine happy dandy lives. but why not do away with the unnecessary unhappiness? i respect certain members of the class for being able to get a move on despite not getting along. face it, not everyone you meet will be there for the rest of your life. why bother pretending to like em'?
i don't get it. what do you get from bitching? is it some sort of spiritual derivement? i wouldn't know. i do bitch, but i don't make a living out of it. and if your aim in life is to screw up others' lives, boy, you are one heck of a sick demented bitch.
so please. get a move on, get a life, and here's a tip, get a guy to gush about or go SHOPPING so you'll QUIT BITCHING.
bout' to go to bed now. i try my best to write happy shit here but at the moment i just need to get it out of my system before i go to sleep.
but i read somewhere bout' how "MANY people hates" me. hmm.
not like it's a surprise. what's new round 'ere? been there, done that.
however. i would think the bitching & the gossiping would taper down with the prelims & a's round the corner. but hey, people are full of surprises, aren't they?
i am not going to mention names. cuz they don't come here anyway. i try to make this friends' only. but if you didn't get my addie from me & you feel a tinge of familiarity at these rants and raves: Welcome bitch, you're uninvited.
i understand how one can really N.O.T. get along with people. it's part of life. nature. i can mention thousands of girls i don't get along with. maybe because i was brought up among males as the only child. i have a tendency to the male specimen which can be misinterpreted as flirting. that is entirely up to each indivual's judgement cuz those who knows me..... knows me. and those who don't.... they're opinions aren't important enough to me.
feel bitter. feel sore. feel bitchy. sleep around. do what you goddamn please. go on with your lovely two- face act. i know people who hates you too. i wasn't planning on gushing about it but hey... why not aight? since hatred of others is of common interest nowadays.
i do not understand this fascination with hatred & bitching. i'm sorry. i guess i'm an exception to the norm. i just can't be bothered i guess. cuz i know as much as i hate someone, someone else hates me back just as much. or maybe more. so why not just live happy, be with happy people, and shut the fuck up? i'm not disillusioned. if you have a father passed away making you aware of deaths at 12 you can't possibly be disillusioned about life even if you wanted to. i'm not jaded. i know life has it's downs. i'm not saying we should all have fine happy dandy lives. but why not do away with the unnecessary unhappiness? i respect certain members of the class for being able to get a move on despite not getting along. face it, not everyone you meet will be there for the rest of your life. why bother pretending to like em'?
i don't get it. what do you get from bitching? is it some sort of spiritual derivement? i wouldn't know. i do bitch, but i don't make a living out of it. and if your aim in life is to screw up others' lives, boy, you are one heck of a sick demented bitch.
so please. get a move on, get a life, and here's a tip, get a guy to gush about or go SHOPPING so you'll QUIT BITCHING.
Monday, September 08, 2003
whooooo- hooooooooooooo!
whoh. pirates of the carribean ROCKS. it was so funny. if ur a guy, you'll love the effects & the pirates themselves. for girls, there's johnny depp & orlando bloom. the 'comadore' [spellcheck?] is cute too. cute- ish. oh. how could i forget. guys can have a shitload of eye cnady in the form of kieran knightly.
for those of you who recall a certain resentment of mine against POTC, please forget it. it was silly. *sheepish*
that was my surprise for hafiz. i knew he really wanted to watch that movie so i treated him to lunch at Swensens' and while lunching, excused myself to go to the cineplex to get tickets. it was wel- planned and well- executed. [i sound like trotsky or lenin. nvm.] he was pleasantly surprised and happy.
good fer him. he deserved it. he may not be the best guy in the world, but he gets an A for effort. and he's definitely the best there is for me. =]
will mug after this cuz my 9- 12 supposed mugging with him at school came to nothing much. chitter chatter... la la la.
praying with fervour now that i'll pass 3 A's for prelims. *prays*
hmm.... oh. ya. i was saving up for a purse i saw at lot 1 months ago. looked just now and it was gone. sobs.
*thinks hard* i gotta rush this cuz i wanna mug....
err...
oh ya. pics from my birthday at esplanade & some of those from jurong west town council are out. will upload em' soon. there's one pic that bryan took himself. like, kamikaze, and it turned so cute. haha. all my friends think he's cute now. *wink wink nudge nudge* doris, what say you? heeeh.
okies. will upload piccies tomorrow aight.
Savvy?
p.s. A saying that Captain Jack Sparrow loves to say. I love him. so cute. and funny. then again, it IS johnny depp. YUMMY.
-update-
You are Captin Jack Sparrow, you may be quite odd
but in the movie you're the bomb you may be a
little COOKOO!!! At first but there is no
reason not to trust you and like the good
captin say's "Yeah thats me you can always
trust me to be dishonest...honestly. It's the
honest ones you have to look out for, because
you can always trust them to do
something...stupid." But you are the bomb
when it comes to looks. Congrats! In my point
of view you are the best character in the
movie!
What Pirates Of The Carribean, Curse Of The Black Pearl Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
whoh. pirates of the carribean ROCKS. it was so funny. if ur a guy, you'll love the effects & the pirates themselves. for girls, there's johnny depp & orlando bloom. the 'comadore' [spellcheck?] is cute too. cute- ish. oh. how could i forget. guys can have a shitload of eye cnady in the form of kieran knightly.
for those of you who recall a certain resentment of mine against POTC, please forget it. it was silly. *sheepish*
that was my surprise for hafiz. i knew he really wanted to watch that movie so i treated him to lunch at Swensens' and while lunching, excused myself to go to the cineplex to get tickets. it was wel- planned and well- executed. [i sound like trotsky or lenin. nvm.] he was pleasantly surprised and happy.
good fer him. he deserved it. he may not be the best guy in the world, but he gets an A for effort. and he's definitely the best there is for me. =]
will mug after this cuz my 9- 12 supposed mugging with him at school came to nothing much. chitter chatter... la la la.
praying with fervour now that i'll pass 3 A's for prelims. *prays*
hmm.... oh. ya. i was saving up for a purse i saw at lot 1 months ago. looked just now and it was gone. sobs.
*thinks hard* i gotta rush this cuz i wanna mug....
err...
oh ya. pics from my birthday at esplanade & some of those from jurong west town council are out. will upload em' soon. there's one pic that bryan took himself. like, kamikaze, and it turned so cute. haha. all my friends think he's cute now. *wink wink nudge nudge* doris, what say you? heeeh.
okies. will upload piccies tomorrow aight.
Savvy?
p.s. A saying that Captain Jack Sparrow loves to say. I love him. so cute. and funny. then again, it IS johnny depp. YUMMY.
-update-
You are Captin Jack Sparrow, you may be quite odd
but in the movie you're the bomb you may be a
little COOKOO!!! At first but there is no
reason not to trust you and like the good
captin say's "Yeah thats me you can always
trust me to be dishonest...honestly. It's the
honest ones you have to look out for, because
you can always trust them to do
something...stupid." But you are the bomb
when it comes to looks. Congrats! In my point
of view you are the best character in the
movie!
What Pirates Of The Carribean, Curse Of The Black Pearl Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Sunday, September 07, 2003
exhausted. tired. pooped. dead.
lifted chairs and tables and metal stands and washed plates and whatnot. malay wedding is fun and all, but it take LOTS of work. *shudders*
pitied my cousins who were getting married. had to keep changing clothes so fast and all the clothes were so thick and heavy and cumbersome.
i fear weddings now. keep mine away from me for a loooong, looong, time.
but it was nice. met family members i never knew existed. that happens all the time.
yesterday was fun too. friends came over for some makan2. had fun.
by the way, i'm RICH. $$$$$$$. but i won't reveal numbers. let's just say this is much desirable cash.
oh. funny incident. for malay weddings, the bride and groom will have a female and male walk by them respectively. kinda like bridesmaid and best man. and this two must hold an umbrella over the heads of the wedded couple.
poor lil' innocent me was taking care of my nephew when my cousin called me to the changing room. and shoved me a HUGE YELLOW GLITTERY umbrella. i was like, "What?" "What's this for?" lol. and he was like ,"Hold it high, hold it over their heads, walk slowly" yada yada yada. like i carried big yellow umbrellas made of silk all my life.
the funniest part was when we had to walk the couple under a shelter. my cousin, the joker holding the umbrella for the groom, was like bumping the yellow contraption into the ceiling. it was hilarious. and our yellow things kept getting stuck among the metal stuff supporting the shelter's roof. it was a killer. even the groom was like, controlling his laughter and telling us to stop being monkeys. hahaha.
all in all, it was fun. lotsa people. some buncha boys asked for my number. it's becoming a tradition at these malay weddings for this to happen. another question that keeps popping up, "When will YOU get married?" i'm like, "WOOOI. Crazy arh."
my feet and hands are swollen from washing plates and cups and bowls squatting down. it was fun playing with water, but now it's taking it's toll. *groan*
will rest now while waiting for dearie to call. it's our 9th month tomorrow. if we're going out, i have a lovely surprise installed for him. ::hee!::
g'nite. thanks for the many birthday wishes and gifts and cash and whatnots. it's been a lovely, lovely 18th birthday.
lifted chairs and tables and metal stands and washed plates and whatnot. malay wedding is fun and all, but it take LOTS of work. *shudders*
pitied my cousins who were getting married. had to keep changing clothes so fast and all the clothes were so thick and heavy and cumbersome.
i fear weddings now. keep mine away from me for a loooong, looong, time.
but it was nice. met family members i never knew existed. that happens all the time.
yesterday was fun too. friends came over for some makan2. had fun.
by the way, i'm RICH. $$$$$$$. but i won't reveal numbers. let's just say this is much desirable cash.
oh. funny incident. for malay weddings, the bride and groom will have a female and male walk by them respectively. kinda like bridesmaid and best man. and this two must hold an umbrella over the heads of the wedded couple.
poor lil' innocent me was taking care of my nephew when my cousin called me to the changing room. and shoved me a HUGE YELLOW GLITTERY umbrella. i was like, "What?" "What's this for?" lol. and he was like ,"Hold it high, hold it over their heads, walk slowly" yada yada yada. like i carried big yellow umbrellas made of silk all my life.
the funniest part was when we had to walk the couple under a shelter. my cousin, the joker holding the umbrella for the groom, was like bumping the yellow contraption into the ceiling. it was hilarious. and our yellow things kept getting stuck among the metal stuff supporting the shelter's roof. it was a killer. even the groom was like, controlling his laughter and telling us to stop being monkeys. hahaha.
all in all, it was fun. lotsa people. some buncha boys asked for my number. it's becoming a tradition at these malay weddings for this to happen. another question that keeps popping up, "When will YOU get married?" i'm like, "WOOOI. Crazy arh."
my feet and hands are swollen from washing plates and cups and bowls squatting down. it was fun playing with water, but now it's taking it's toll. *groan*
will rest now while waiting for dearie to call. it's our 9th month tomorrow. if we're going out, i have a lovely surprise installed for him. ::hee!::
g'nite. thanks for the many birthday wishes and gifts and cash and whatnots. it's been a lovely, lovely 18th birthday.
Saturday, September 06, 2003
heartfelt bittersweet.
another way to spell today is P.E.R.F.E.C.T.I.O.N.
two gifts from hafiz; aballerina keychain that i had been eyeing for months...
and the prettiest, beautiful-est, glittery-est diamantebutterfly necklace.
a perlini silver bracelet from kristy: lurve it.
a rooster soft toy 'laying' chocolate in a bowl with dory's picture in it from ruz: sweetest thing.
birthday wishes from cedric, ian, limin, doris, jacyln , luthfi, hadi, farhana, is, izal, lingesh, kak zilah, kak zarina and inter alia.
thank you so much lovely people. thank you. you've made my 18th the perfectest birthday in my life.
the saddest thing about this perfect night is... it has ended.
but i had the best day of my life.
god bless.
ESPECIALLY FOR YOU
You have made my birthday so perfect. I have never looked forward to a birthday the way I look forward to it now. I can't wait for tomorrow. I can't wait for the clock to strike midnight. I feel like a subverted Cinderella; awaiting instead of dreading the 12 strokes of time. At that magical hour, I'll turn 18. And everything i've had for the past months will become real. History. Part of me. My past. My story. You. Will be part of me. Permanently. You have made my 18th year in life so special & meaningful, that even my heart is not a justified place to place you in. You belong to somewhere special. You're from a hidden, mysterious region I dare not touch. And yet you're here. And mine. Thank you, Hafiz, for this perfection called You.
lastly.
Birthdays
all senses heightened
all feeling perked
living in a technicolour dreamworld
for a day.
another way to spell today is P.E.R.F.E.C.T.I.O.N.
two gifts from hafiz; a
and the prettiest, beautiful-est, glittery-est diamante
a perlini silver bracelet from kristy: lurve it.
a rooster soft toy 'laying' chocolate in a bowl with dory's picture in it from ruz: sweetest thing.
birthday wishes from cedric, ian, limin, doris, jacyln , luthfi, hadi, farhana, is, izal, lingesh, kak zilah, kak zarina and inter alia.
thank you so much lovely people. thank you. you've made my 18th the perfectest birthday in my life.
the saddest thing about this perfect night is... it has ended.
but i had the best day of my life.
god bless.
You have made my birthday so perfect. I have never looked forward to a birthday the way I look forward to it now. I can't wait for tomorrow. I can't wait for the clock to strike midnight. I feel like a subverted Cinderella; awaiting instead of dreading the 12 strokes of time. At that magical hour, I'll turn 18. And everything i've had for the past months will become real. History. Part of me. My past. My story. You. Will be part of me. Permanently. You have made my 18th year in life so special & meaningful, that even my heart is not a justified place to place you in. You belong to somewhere special. You're from a hidden, mysterious region I dare not touch. And yet you're here. And mine. Thank you, Hafiz, for this perfection called You.
lastly.
all senses heightened
all feeling perked
living in a technicolour dreamworld
for a day.
Thursday, September 04, 2003
he makes the moon seems so much more beautiful.
tomorrow's THE day.
excitement is killing me.
thank god i've killed off R.O.G.
cuz' there's no way i can study now.
so excited. can feel my nerves bubbling & trembling. lol.
animal farm. my gifts from hafiz. my card. my cake. my candle. my new dress.
whee~!
LIFE HAD NEVER BEEN MORE PERFECT.
tomorrow's THE day.
excitement is killing me.
thank god i've killed off R.O.G.
cuz' there's no way i can study now.
so excited. can feel my nerves bubbling & trembling. lol.
animal farm. my gifts from hafiz. my card. my cake. my candle. my new dress.
whee~!
LIFE HAD NEVER BEEN MORE PERFECT.
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
I am thankful.
I know I am blessed. I know I am ungrateful. Forgive me, God. I know I have sinned. And I know I had asked for forgiveness before and yet I do it again. But please forgive me, God. For I am truly thankful for your blessings.
In 2 days time, I'll be 18. It might seem insignificant but it actually means so much. I've been fatherless for 5 years, have had 6 boyfriends since, argued with only my mum & my boyfriends & no one else, hit no one else but myself.
18 years of my life gone. That's about a quarter of my life gone; assuming I live to 70++. I may not have achieved, I may not have succeeded, but I had always been blessed with happiness for all 18 years. And for that I am truly thankful, God.
I know you are there. I know this is all your work, your order, your rule. And I don't know what I've did right to deserve your many blessings, but thank you, God.
Thank you for my mum; who goes through great effort to make sure i have the BEST 18th birthday in the world. who willingly splurges and spend on me. who feeds me and cares for me. who had to watch me grow from the small tiny baby in 1985 to this not- so- big teenager now in 2003. to have to feel pain when I cry, feel happy when I succeed, feel sad when I break- up with my boyfriends, feel girly when I have a crush. Thank you God for a mum who is a friend, a father, a guardian and a mother. Thank you God for giving me this blessed woman.
Thank you for the lessons you've taught me since you've taken my father away. Thank you for the maturity of thought you've given me to gelp me find my way through this life. Thank you for making me understand loss at 12 so that I would emphatise with one who loses a loved one at 18. Thank you for making me lose a loved one so that I'll treasure more what I already have. Thank you for making death such a great impact in my life that I realize what is truly important in life and what isn't. Thank you for making me feel such pain so young so that I would never have to feel such great sorrow again. Thank you for making me stronger than most so that I can go through life without a father. Thank you God, for this path you've given to me.
Thank you God for blessing me with Hafiz. Thank you for bringing him into my life. Thank you for letting us make mistakes and learn from it. Thank you for always pulling us back to your right path. Thank you for giving me a male figure to depend on in him. Thank you for giving me the love that I miss so through him. Thank you for making him just as perfect as the guy in my dreams. Thank you, God, for this blessed boy.
Thank you God for my friends. Thank you for showering me with innumerable friends so that I would never feel lost in this world. Thank you for making me feel loved when I'm alone and single. Thank you for giving me the true friendships that I've found in some. Thank you for blessing with all the happiness that friendships bring.
Thank you God for enemies, who makes me aware of my imperfections. Thank you for making me realize who is important in my life. Thank you for giving me the maturity of thought to not care for what others think. Thank you for giving me strength to ignore criticism that sometimes cuts too deep. Thank you God, for enemies and the strength they bring out in me.
I am grateful God. For everything. For life. For this. For my 18th birthday. And all the perfection it has bring.
I know I am blessed. I know I am ungrateful. Forgive me, God. I know I have sinned. And I know I had asked for forgiveness before and yet I do it again. But please forgive me, God. For I am truly thankful for your blessings.
In 2 days time, I'll be 18. It might seem insignificant but it actually means so much. I've been fatherless for 5 years, have had 6 boyfriends since, argued with only my mum & my boyfriends & no one else, hit no one else but myself.
18 years of my life gone. That's about a quarter of my life gone; assuming I live to 70++. I may not have achieved, I may not have succeeded, but I had always been blessed with happiness for all 18 years. And for that I am truly thankful, God.
I know you are there. I know this is all your work, your order, your rule. And I don't know what I've did right to deserve your many blessings, but thank you, God.
Thank you for my mum; who goes through great effort to make sure i have the BEST 18th birthday in the world. who willingly splurges and spend on me. who feeds me and cares for me. who had to watch me grow from the small tiny baby in 1985 to this not- so- big teenager now in 2003. to have to feel pain when I cry, feel happy when I succeed, feel sad when I break- up with my boyfriends, feel girly when I have a crush. Thank you God for a mum who is a friend, a father, a guardian and a mother. Thank you God for giving me this blessed woman.
Thank you for the lessons you've taught me since you've taken my father away. Thank you for the maturity of thought you've given me to gelp me find my way through this life. Thank you for making me understand loss at 12 so that I would emphatise with one who loses a loved one at 18. Thank you for making me lose a loved one so that I'll treasure more what I already have. Thank you for making death such a great impact in my life that I realize what is truly important in life and what isn't. Thank you for making me feel such pain so young so that I would never have to feel such great sorrow again. Thank you for making me stronger than most so that I can go through life without a father. Thank you God, for this path you've given to me.
Thank you God for blessing me with Hafiz. Thank you for bringing him into my life. Thank you for letting us make mistakes and learn from it. Thank you for always pulling us back to your right path. Thank you for giving me a male figure to depend on in him. Thank you for giving me the love that I miss so through him. Thank you for making him just as perfect as the guy in my dreams. Thank you, God, for this blessed boy.
Thank you God for my friends. Thank you for showering me with innumerable friends so that I would never feel lost in this world. Thank you for making me feel loved when I'm alone and single. Thank you for giving me the true friendships that I've found in some. Thank you for blessing with all the happiness that friendships bring.
Thank you God for enemies, who makes me aware of my imperfections. Thank you for making me realize who is important in my life. Thank you for giving me the maturity of thought to not care for what others think. Thank you for giving me strength to ignore criticism that sometimes cuts too deep. Thank you God, for enemies and the strength they bring out in me.
I am grateful God. For everything. For life. For this. For my 18th birthday. And all the perfection it has bring.
SPECIALLY DEDICATED TO A DEAR FRIEND OF MINE WHO'S FEELING DOWN.
Reach Out, I'll Be There
Diana Ross
If you feel that you can't go on
'Cause all your hope is gone
And your life is filled with confusion
And hapiness is just an illusion
And your world around is tumblin' down
Darling, reach out
Reach out, reach out
I'll give you all the love you need
I'll be there
You can always depend on me
I can tell by the way you hang your head
You're with out of love, now you're afraid
And through your tears you look around
But there's no peace of mind to be found
I know what you're thinking
You're alone now, no love of your own
Darling, reach out
Reach out for me baby
I'll give you all the love you need
I'll be there
Hey baby, I'm gonna be right there
You can always depend on me
You can always, depend on me
You can always, when things get tough
You can always, cuddle me, see you through
You can always, depend on me
Whatever else you do
You can always, ring my phone
Yeah, you can always catch me at home
You can always cuddle me
When you're lost and about to give up
'Cause your best ain't good enough
And you feel the world has grown cold
And you're driftin' on your own
When you need a hand to hold
When you need a little love
Reach out, I'll be there
To give you all the love you need
I'll try to give you all the love you need
I'll be there to love and shelter you
I'll be there to always see you through
To give you all the love you need
I'm gonna give you all the love you need
I'll be there...
it'll get better. i promise you the world and the sky that. it will. definitely. and if it doesn't get any better on its' own, i will make it my personal business that it will? k? now smile. you know there's people who care. like me. and more. MUACKS!
Reach Out, I'll Be There
Diana Ross
If you feel that you can't go on
'Cause all your hope is gone
And your life is filled with confusion
And hapiness is just an illusion
And your world around is tumblin' down
Darling, reach out
Reach out, reach out
I'll give you all the love you need
I'll be there
You can always depend on me
I can tell by the way you hang your head
You're with out of love, now you're afraid
And through your tears you look around
But there's no peace of mind to be found
I know what you're thinking
You're alone now, no love of your own
Darling, reach out
Reach out for me baby
I'll give you all the love you need
I'll be there
Hey baby, I'm gonna be right there
You can always depend on me
You can always, depend on me
You can always, when things get tough
You can always, cuddle me, see you through
You can always, depend on me
Whatever else you do
You can always, ring my phone
Yeah, you can always catch me at home
You can always cuddle me
When you're lost and about to give up
'Cause your best ain't good enough
And you feel the world has grown cold
And you're driftin' on your own
When you need a hand to hold
When you need a little love
Reach out, I'll be there
To give you all the love you need
I'll try to give you all the love you need
I'll be there to love and shelter you
I'll be there to always see you through
To give you all the love you need
I'm gonna give you all the love you need
I'll be there...
it'll get better. i promise you the world and the sky that. it will. definitely. and if it doesn't get any better on its' own, i will make it my personal business that it will? k? now smile. you know there's people who care. like me. and more. MUACKS!
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
coca- cola & Famous Amos cookies maketh my day.
went to GP consultation in the morning. had fun crapping with daniel, minz, jac, fahrur & hafiz. the chair so bouncy... so nice~!
oh no. i'm talking like daniel.
made Pretty in Pink prawn salad for hafiz. shall not tell him my secret recipe... muahahahaha. he said it's nice though. ate that & black pepper hotdog at the chopsticks memorial at Padang. very breezy & soothing place.
got flower petals all over the floor...
went esplanade to slack around for awhile while hafiz went off somewhere to buy my birthday presents. yep. presentS. whee~!
two prezzies!
then went to orchard to pray before going to far east to look for a top to wear to my birthday thingy. something pink/ white, possibly V- neck & plain. and apparently, not available anywhere in orchard. this is madness.
went to wisma to look for the same thing. and failed. bought Famous Amos cookies instead. yum yum.
went to Perlini's Silver to look at possible new buys. haha. shop shop shop!
then went to Cold Storage to buy coke. and HUIMIN!!!! i opened the bottle again & the same thing that happened that time happened again! aaah! so sad!
s'posed to look for Jack's Place to see bout' my b-day cake. couldn't seem to find it. went up & down the escalator 3 times. [hafiz counted.] lol.
in the end found it & it was so small & puny & looked more like a coffeeshop. told mum go BP Plaza one better!
went home after that. been looking for good vocab words to use in tmr's paper since. sigh sigh sigh. i hate it when i read so much but all the words can't be used in GP essay cuz its not GP- ish. bleaaargh.
will go back to my dictionary to find new words. [yes. i'm reading the dictionary.]
oh ya. before i forget. all of you who read my blog are invited to my makan thingy this saturday noon. bryan- here's the addie. same goes for all the rest of u who might wanna come. free food!!!
Town Council Hall
Blk 509
Jurong West St. 51
Time: 4 p.m. onwards.
if you're near the area & feeling hungry, just come on down aight.
k that's it. back to dictionary scouring. =(
went to GP consultation in the morning. had fun crapping with daniel, minz, jac, fahrur & hafiz. the chair so bouncy... so nice~!
oh no. i'm talking like daniel.
made Pretty in Pink prawn salad for hafiz. shall not tell him my secret recipe... muahahahaha. he said it's nice though. ate that & black pepper hotdog at the chopsticks memorial at Padang. very breezy & soothing place.
got flower petals all over the floor...
went esplanade to slack around for awhile while hafiz went off somewhere to buy my birthday presents. yep. presentS. whee~!
two prezzies!
then went to orchard to pray before going to far east to look for a top to wear to my birthday thingy. something pink/ white, possibly V- neck & plain. and apparently, not available anywhere in orchard. this is madness.
went to wisma to look for the same thing. and failed. bought Famous Amos cookies instead. yum yum.
went to Perlini's Silver to look at possible new buys. haha. shop shop shop!
then went to Cold Storage to buy coke. and HUIMIN!!!! i opened the bottle again & the same thing that happened that time happened again! aaah! so sad!
s'posed to look for Jack's Place to see bout' my b-day cake. couldn't seem to find it. went up & down the escalator 3 times. [hafiz counted.] lol.
in the end found it & it was so small & puny & looked more like a coffeeshop. told mum go BP Plaza one better!
went home after that. been looking for good vocab words to use in tmr's paper since. sigh sigh sigh. i hate it when i read so much but all the words can't be used in GP essay cuz its not GP- ish. bleaaargh.
will go back to my dictionary to find new words. [yes. i'm reading the dictionary.]
oh ya. before i forget. all of you who read my blog are invited to my makan thingy this saturday noon. bryan- here's the addie. same goes for all the rest of u who might wanna come. free food!!!
Town Council Hall
Blk 509
Jurong West St. 51
Time: 4 p.m. onwards.
if you're near the area & feeling hungry, just come on down aight.
k that's it. back to dictionary scouring. =(
Monday, September 01, 2003
and i think to myself... heeey... what a wonderful world...
just watched Madelene on Channel i. you know... that french cartoon with 12 girls living in a boarding school in France & they have a dog called Genevieve & a Spanish ambassador's family as neighbours who has a boy names Pepeto? yeah. that one.
lovely show. makes me all warm & fuzzy inside. la la la. love the closing song. will be putting up the lyrics.
so far, here's a list of places i wanna go when i have the $$$ & time:
1. Connecticut [i'm gilmore girls fan. and Stars Hollow is the coziest, loveliest, quaint-est town i've seen.]
2. New York [no thanks to Home Alone 2. NY looks real pretty when it snows.]
3. France [trying to find the exact same place where the Madelene movie was made. the school was a beautiful palace. and i mean, palace.]
4. California [just to get some real sand & sea.]
ah well. dreams. they do come true sometimes. will be studying econs soon. distributive function. bleaargh.
but wait. is it just me, or is there this delectable yet intangible sense of... achievement or satisfaction or pleasure or something after hours of mugging? hmm...
really really can't wait for my birthday. so exciting! hafiz is getting my gift soon. whee~! wonder what it is... la la la la...
oh. and i've gotten my first card! and gift, too, i guess. from perlini silver! 50% off anything i want in that darlin' lil store... muahahaha.... yum yum.
hmm. nice nice night. nice day, too. though it went by pretty fast. PC gobbles up time. burp.
WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD
Louis Armstrong
I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you
I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world
so there you go. so if you're feeling down just sing this song... [or remember the lyrics, if you can't] and all will be happy fine & dandy.
happy happy happy!
whee~!
*bounces off to study*
just watched Madelene on Channel i. you know... that french cartoon with 12 girls living in a boarding school in France & they have a dog called Genevieve & a Spanish ambassador's family as neighbours who has a boy names Pepeto? yeah. that one.
lovely show. makes me all warm & fuzzy inside. la la la. love the closing song. will be putting up the lyrics.
so far, here's a list of places i wanna go when i have the $$$ & time:
1. Connecticut [i'm gilmore girls fan. and Stars Hollow is the coziest, loveliest, quaint-est town i've seen.]
2. New York [no thanks to Home Alone 2. NY looks real pretty when it snows.]
3. France [trying to find the exact same place where the Madelene movie was made. the school was a beautiful palace. and i mean, palace.]
4. California [just to get some real sand & sea.]
ah well. dreams. they do come true sometimes. will be studying econs soon. distributive function. bleaargh.
but wait. is it just me, or is there this delectable yet intangible sense of... achievement or satisfaction or pleasure or something after hours of mugging? hmm...
really really can't wait for my birthday. so exciting! hafiz is getting my gift soon. whee~! wonder what it is... la la la la...
oh. and i've gotten my first card! and gift, too, i guess. from perlini silver! 50% off anything i want in that darlin' lil store... muahahaha.... yum yum.
hmm. nice nice night. nice day, too. though it went by pretty fast. PC gobbles up time. burp.
WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD
Louis Armstrong
I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you
I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world
so there you go. so if you're feeling down just sing this song... [or remember the lyrics, if you can't] and all will be happy fine & dandy.
happy happy happy!
whee~!
*bounces off to study*
birthday bash!
just a littlesumthin
a slight preview to what's happening later this week...
all the excitement building up to 5th september is killin' me! haha.
back to mugging. but that was a pleasant distraction. =)
just a little
a slight preview to what's happening later this week...
all the excitement building up to 5th september is killin' me! haha.
back to mugging. but that was a pleasant distraction. =)