being obscure clearly.

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Emptiness

That's too long a word to describe the emotion it actually is.
When you know you've lost everything and you'll never get it back.
You just feel so hollow!
Like a watermelon or papaya or mango or whatever that has been hollowed out and there's only the skin left dangling with nothing within.
Feeling empty. Brings tears.
Empty. Ironically long.
It's just…. nothing, actually.

Sunday, April 27, 2003

i am so totally over imran.
i am so totally over imran.
went out for drinks with him.
had fun, joked, reminisced our friendship.
realized dat was all i wanted.
his friendship.
he has nothing else to offer which i would want.
i have everything i want in hafiz.
imran is just a gal- pal guy.
hard to come by, definitely for keeps.
i hope hafiz understands.
cuz i realized there's no way i can stop meeting him for drink n chill sessions.
its like old times.
friends days. gila times.
please understand...
and by the way, i just found out.
i am totally over him.
it was just a slight confusion.
i was over him all along, i just couldn't find the excuse for the intimacy. i thought i wasn't over him.
but i was all along.
i just needed to realize how deep the friendship was.
sitting there just talking made me realize how over him i was.
there's nothing more i could ask for.
i have you. and you're everything.

Friday, April 25, 2003

hi.
not feeling so pathetic anymore.
har, har.
anyway... i am in desperate need for running shoes!
xtremely lite-weight shoes dat wud let me fly wen i run.
my flying shoes is torn n tattered n muddy.
i dun mind wearing in but i wud like to get a new one.
think can use my 'b' grade to bribe my mum to get me some stuff?
sigh. panic, panic.
i want shoes!

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Self- pity

Indulgence. Who could have thought of a better word?
Here I am, just sitting along wallowing in self- pity.
I've got to admit this, it feels good.
Someone should have told me bout this before.
I don't plan to do this forever, just for a few moments before I step back into reality.
And the paper chase.
Its' really getting to me.
The materialistic depth of this urge to succeed.
So shallow.
Future.
I have moulded my future in such a way that I will have a secure future and a secure and FAT paycheck.
Is that all there is to life?
Money, marriage, family, kids.
My relationship is in a shamble of sorts but it'll be ok.
He said it'd be so I guess it will.
I'm not good at solving my own problems.
Give me yours, and it'll be solved, pronto.
Do you know how it feels like to be a failure?
To try so hard to do everything right and everything just falls flat on your lap and you have to try all over again?
Its so tempting to just let go. Give up.
But at times like this it's crucial to get up and try again. And again and again and again.
You gotta succeed at some point.
Just don't ask me when.
But am I willing to keep trying right up to that undefined point of time in life?
Right now, I don't think so.
Now, I just feel like a big fat failure with the shame oozing out of my pores.
But I am a stupidly strong willed go- getter.
When I want something, there's no stopping me.
Problem is, I've lost sight of what I want.
Or it just doesn't seem so appealing anymore.
My moulded future seems so fake and lifeless.
That's not how I want to live.
I want to be a free spirit.
So I guess failing is part of it.
But all the rest?
All that stereotypical structured future?
I admire Izal for his ability to just LIVE.
I really like that.
To be able to just do what I want.
It's so inconsequential.
But I don't have the guts.
I need to follow that boring little structured path of life.
I don't live spontaneously like happy people do.
I can't take that risk.
Gee. Wallowing is such fun.
I feel so pathetic now.
Thank you for listening.

Sunday, April 20, 2003

IDENTITY

You grow up hearing things. I have an older brother, and when I was little we had this garage with a pinball machine, and all his friends would be over, and somebody would go, "Ah, she's psycho." Girls were always called psycho if they said to the guy, "Why did you break up with me?" or did anything like that. It was always, "Oh, she's psycho, she's a freak." So you grow up thinking that if you do anything, you're a psycho. And so I led my whole life being the pal, the buddy, the little sisters with guys. And when I started to date, if they were awful to me, I'd be like, "Oh, that's cool. Sure, walk all over me. No problem." All because I never wanted to be called psycho.
- Wynona Ryder, as quoted in Los Angeles Magazine

to what extent would you go to search your identity?
is there any lines that bounds your search?
where do you cross that blurry line?
is religion a factor?
or is a religion part of the new identity you are in search of?
when does the search begin, does it ever end?
is your search an excuse for mistakes? downfalls? slip- ups?
how much room for mistake shall you give?
when does the mistake becomes too big?
what restricts you?
where do you stop?
why do you search?
how do you know you do not have an identity?
when does it begin? why does it begin then?
who are you- isn't that whatever you are now? at present?
isn't the you who is searching the "YOU" the identity you're in search of?
what is an identity?
everything i am is my identity.
there's parts of my identity that i have yet to discover.
identity grows with you.
you don't look for it.
its' inside you.

Thursday, April 17, 2003

vulnerability & bittergourds

is it just me? or is a women's pride bigger than mens' by multiplied amounts?
or maybe it's only mine.
but really... its huge.
i confessed ALL to hafiz today.
my insecurities, my inferiorities, my jealousy...
yes. my jealousy.
if you're an ex- boyfriend you would know i am known never to reveal my jealous side.
it helps keeps me, i dunno. strong.
to know i am not weak. and exposed.
though i am so its all a fine piece of delusional thought process.
but still.
the GUY doesn't know i am jealous.
and if i swallow it long enough it magically goes away.
i think of it as my skill, my talent.
to not reveal my weak side and to remain unexposed.
its like a mind game.
when you really tell yourself you're not jealous, you end up believing in it.
in retrospect, i guess i have been a very delusional lover.
i was never one to admit i was jealous.
with hadi, i just somehow twisted my words around in such away that it sounded as though it was only right that he do not look at girls. sorry di. =p
with imran, i just told myself i should not be jealous cuz that's how he is. naturally close to girls.
with hafiz, i just swallowed it and told myself i was being irrational. it magically goes away. maybe i'm related to david blaine.
basically, i create excuses for them or myself. either way is, well, UNRECOMMENDED.
arguing was fine, but eventually the guy gets pissed. once again, a round of applause for di's patience.
telling myself that was just how he is was hard, cuz u end up doing this crying alone at night thing.
swallowing it and biting it back like you're chewing a bittergourd is... well. its like chewing a bittergourd.
it works in the long- run, but hell yeah it has an aftertaste.
i do not like to reveal my vulnerable side.
i live in fear of being attacked from my most vulnerable point.
was i ever? i wouldn't know. i was too cautious.
if ever anything came close enough to the point that it would hurt to lose it, i stop caring and tell myself that i actually had stopped caring.
deluded.
i maintained a safe distance, and made sure i always had an upper hand.
my love life is beginning to sound like a rip- off from SURVIVOR: AMAZON or something.
but love n hearts is not a game. you don't plan it.
it just happens.
so i told hafiz. all. whatever made me feel insecure.
i was afraid he would laugh.LAUGH! i swear i live in a world full of bitches and mass murderers. the best thing that ever happened was when this guy died after being stabbed just once. it made the records, i remembered.
so. i told him. and he didn't laugh. he didn't smile or snigger or made stupid snide remarks. he APOLOGISED. for pete's sake, i'm the irrationally jealous one here.
then i realised.
i told him because i knew he wouldn't laugh. make fun of me. take it as a sign that i was weakening.
he took it as a step to improving our relationship.
and that's why i love him.
when i tell him all, i don't feel like he's about to attack me at my most vulnerable point.
when i reveal myself to him, he listens intently and searches for his faults.
he don't make me fear an attack.
i absolutely never expect to be attacked from him.
no matter how exposed i am.
he makes me feel secure and loved.
and i don't feel ashamed to confess to him.
he makes me feeling jealous seem normal.
not a bittergourd i am supposed to bite back and swallow.

Monday, April 14, 2003

the closest i ever came.

BoredFir.
does that interests you? will it catch your eye?
it caught mine... and dragged me into more.
i thought virtual world was a seperate thing from reality.
totally parallel.
yesterday, i chatted with this guy.
BoredFir.
it started as nothing.
then somehow, we started making sex jokes.
then he gave me his number.
we exchanged smses.
he called.
we talked.
then he never called again.
that was it.
the sex jokes though, makes me crazy with guilt.
i remembered a flash of sense while i was typing some dumb sex joke.
"hafiz."
but that was all there was to it.
it was warped.
i knew i loved him.
but i chose at that moment to opt for ignorance.
to chat away with abundance.
we both know there was something that played a small part in leading me to opt for ignorance.
but that shall remain between us.
when virtual transcended into reality, i knew i had crossed the line.
the point where i really crossed it, i didn't know.
but when it was all over, i knew i did.
irony what i wrote in my blog few minutes before my encounter with BoredFir.
"i don't think i'll do it."
this was the closest i came to actually doing it.
and it feels like shit.
i wouldn't want to actually cheat.
but last night was crazy.
it was the old fiza.
last night.
was a time vacuum.
maybe virtual is a parallel universe of reality.
in my mind.
joyrides kills you.
cheap thrills are addictive.
and addictions are never good.
Tempted Bitches Anonymous.
welcome.

Sunday, April 13, 2003

hello... me again.
i wonder if i'll ever cheat on hafiz.
just thinking.
not like i want to.
or plan to.
but.
i just wonder.
i love him, i do.
i am 90% sure this is the old fiza speaking.
oh well.
i don't think i'll do it.
but the fact that i'm thinking of it is scary.
when hafiz sees this, i hope he won't freak out.
now that i've said it, i know he will.
haha.
i love you baby.
don't worry.

Friday, April 11, 2003

THE GREATEST PICNIC IN THE WORLD...

went for my picnic with my truFfLeshNuP... great fun. i didn't know strawberries tasted so good. hahaha. i always thot they were bitter. well, well... waddya know.anyway i am sick of talking bout myself n my boring life so here's a little INTERESSSTINGG article.................................

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

A Woman's Vocabulary, Keywords and Meanings (as taken from an interview with a woman)

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument in which we feel we are right, but need to shut you up. NEVER use ''Fine'' to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

OH
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead-in to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and a "Go ahead," followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before visiting on you major retribution and tribulations for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

haha... laugh away.... comin' up soon....... UNDERSTANDING MEN........... =]

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

THE LOVE SONG

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore and

Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you

BACK AT ONE

Its undeniable...that we should be together
Its unbelievable how I used to say that I found in her
The places you need to know, if you don't know just how I feel,
Then let me show you now that I'm for real
If all things in time, time will reveal
Yeah...

One, you're like a dream come true
Two, jus wanna be with you
Three, girl it's plain to see that you're the only one for me
Four, repeat steps one to three
Five, make you fall in love with me
If ever I believe our work is done, then I start Back at One.(yeah)

So incredible, the way things work themselves out
And all emotional, once you know that its all about babe
And undesirable for us to be apart
Never would of made it very far
Cause you know that you got the keys to my heart
Cause...

One, you're like a dream come true
Two, jus wanna be with you
Three, girl it's plain to see that you're the only one for me
Four, repeat steps one to three
Five, make you fall in love with me
If ever I believe our work is done, then I start Back at One.

Say farewell to the dark night
I see the coming of the sun
I feel like a little child whose life has just begun
You came and reached into the light
Into this lonely heart of mine
You threw out the life line - just in the Nick of Tiimmmeeee...

One, you're like a dream come true
Two, jus wanna be with you
Three, girl it's plain to see that you're the only one for me
Four, repeat steps one to three
Five, make you fall in love with me
If ever I believe our work is done, then I start Back at One.

GROW OLD WITH YOU

I wanna make you smile
Whenever you're sad
Carry you around
When your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is
Grow old with you.

I'll get you medicine
When your tummy aches
Build you a fire
When the furnace breaks
It could be so nice
Growing old with you.

I'll miss you
I'll kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold
Need you
Feed you
Even let you hold the remote control

Let me do the dishes
In our kitchen sink
Put you to bed
When you've had too much to drink
I could be the man who
Grows old with you

I wanna grow old with you

CAN'T SMILE WITHOUT YOU

You know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh
And I can't sing
I'm finding it hard
To do anything

You see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew
What I'm going through
I just can't smile without you

You came along
Just like a song
And brightened my day
Who'd of believed that
You are a part of a dream
Now it all seems
Light years away

And now you know
I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh
And I can't sing
I'm finding it hard
To do anything

You see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew
What I'm going through
I just can't smile

And now some people say
Happiness takes
So very long to find
Well I'm finding it hard
Leaving your love behind me

IT HAD TO BE YOU

Why do I do, just as you say
Why must I just, give you your way
Why do I sigh, why don't I try to forget

It must have been,
That something lovers call fate
Kept me saying: "I have to wait"
I saw them all,
Just couldn't fall 'til we met

It had to be you, it had to be you
I wandered around, and finally found
The somebody who
Could make me be true,
And could make me be blue
And even be glad, just to be sad
Thinking of you

Some others I've seen,
Might never be mean
Might never be cross,
Or try to be boss
But they wouldn't do
For nobody else, gave me a thrill
With all your faults, I
Love you still
It had to be you, wonderful you
It had to be you

just a few apt lyrics for the day. for those sick of love, do not read today's entries. its ENTIRELY devoted to my celebrations for my fourth month with hafiz.

IT'S BEEN FOUR MONTHS...

you
my peace
my tranquility
my idyllic sanctuary.
you
my axis
my centre of gravity
my labyrinth
that i don't mind
getting lost in.
you
my universe of stars
my galaxy
my soul
entirely.
you
my heart
your home.
11:16 PM 4/7/2003

Monday, April 07, 2003

BOREDOM IS A BRAIN- KILLER. MURDER IS A SIN. YOU ARE NOW A SINNER...

well like I am now a sinner...... sigh. i am bored. i don't ever remember being this bored. i am bored. please. someone. ANYONE! SAVE ME!!!!

GOOD MORNING!

yes... MORNING.... i somehow woke up super- early today... when i say early i mean morning... and super is used because its a non- school day so i should be sleeping in. by normal average standards i should be waking up at about 12 noon, earliest. today, wonderful, glorious today, i woke up at 6.25 a.m. yes. i woke up when the sky was still dark, when my mum who works was still asleep, and worse, to the ringing tunes of "It's Raining Men" in my head. maybe it was a sign of better things to come. but since i'm attached and it can rain ilhan mansizs' for all i care, i guess the song was a sign its time to check what's wrong with my life. sigh. so now, i am 5 hours ahead of schedule... what am i going to do with today? TODAY. like a big fat neon billboard sign blinking right across my brain. TODAY. mocking me with its existence. har, har, u got nothing to do with me. har, har, i am gonna sit n shit in ur brain all day long. har, har, har, har, SHUT UP TODAY!!! today is a moron. i hate today. oh lord. guess what? today's a MONDAY....... hahahaha.... no wonder its a moron.
hey but wait. today is my late father's birthday... happy birthday ayah. i miss u. n i love u.
which reminds me... its also imran's mother's birthday. sigh. silly old woman. she drives me nuts. not to say imran. he wanted to "buy her something." i wonder if he did. he's been saying the same thing since 2001. hehe.
i have no plans for today... maybe i might do the stupid econs homework afterall. god what is my life coming to.
i am drinking mocha... which may not seem significant but it means i am no stinking way gonna be sleepy after dis so i better think of some crap to do before boredom freezes me stiff.
i. am. going. to. die.
boredom was never a good friend of mine. i always get its worse side. so i'm pretty sure today? boredom's out to get me.
sigh.
somebody sAAAAAAAAAveeee MMEEEEEEE......

Sunday, April 06, 2003

MY FAVOURITE THINGS

PERSON: my mum
COLOUR: blue... honest.
SMELL: bvlgari pour homme... the scent of someone who was very dear to me. dis someone is not the same dear person. dis someone don't wear the same scent now either.
DRINK: always.... coca- cola...
FOOD: chocolates n cotton candy
FLOWER: baby's breath.... innocent n fresh. something i strive to be. hehe.
DREAM: to have my dream wedding with my dream guy at my dream park in my dream dress n have my dream family
SITE: womencentral.com......... lotsa great tips n such....
LINE: "... it was like,....." "no! it's like....." "......and i was, like,....." u geddit. keyword here is "like".
GAME: wheel of fortune? any wordy games la... hangman? does dat count?
CLOTHING: the ones i wear to sleep. haha. most comfy.
POWDER: cuticura!!! induces mind- boggling childhood memories...
SHAMPOO: apple- smelling ones. sunsilk i tink.
SHOWER GEL: the latest one... my ''johnson's n johnson'' top- to- toe WATERMELON BLAST......
SHOES: my reebok trainers... well- seasoned n the smell can make the toughest thug unconscious.....
LINGERIE: currently into ''lolita'' look..... innocent white with well- placed girly florals...
BOY'S UNDERGARMENTS: boxers? anything but those ugly Y- briefs..... or old men's undies... those r sooo..... ANCIENT.
TOY: no, not sex toys pervs..... hmm..... playdoh? been awhile but its always fun....
VIEW: sunset at the beach, sunrise in my bed, full moons at a hill
SOUND: hafiz's laughter, voice, n the ring of the phone when he calls
MUSIC: at the moment, jazz...... always will be, sixties n oldies..... soothing....
BAND: THE BEATLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SPORT: soccer........ invented by men, perfected by WOMEN....
ELEMENT OF NATURE: stars. i can spend hours counting them. significant in my life- somehow.
SONG: casablanca; the first, the last, my everything and tonight i celebrate my love....
PLACE: currently, fort canning park.... and changi beach.
SPOT: my bed- everything's within reach
COUNTRY: france.... beautiful place, beautiful people, pizza n lasagne...... wat more do u want?
VEHICLE: my beige vespa with stainless steel rearview mirrors....
HOBBY: reading. old fashioned but yea. its one thing i can do for three straight hours without moving...
MOVIE: those old black n white p.ramlee movies? nah... gettin sick of em'. hmm.... runaway bride? my best friend's wedding? autumn in new york? u get it... romantic comedies. i'm a sucker for them. i whoop n cry n aww all over the whole movie. its sick.
FANTASY [Not Like Dreams...]: to live happily ever after

can't think of anything else....... ideas anyone? favourites..... very important... tells alot about you.... really.

"You are all about me - I seem to breathe you, hear you, feel you in me and of me............ We two, you know, have everything before us, and we shall do very great things. I have perfect faith in us, and so perfect is my love for you that I am, as it were, still, silent to my very soul.

I want nobody but you for my lover and my friend and to nobody but you shall I be faithful.

I am yours forever.."

Tig."

Katherine Mansfield, New Zealand-born British short-story writer, to John Middleton Murry, fellow writer and critic on May 19, 1917.

Their romance and marriage continued for many years but it was cut short by Katherine's early death from tuberculosis in 1923.

hafiz i know dat death part is depressing but see past dat n really read n understand her letter..... its how i feel for you. i love you.

what can i write about today?
when i look at my blog i see i write about my boyfriend alot. hehe. oh weeell...... good guys r hard to come by... so cherish em' while they stick around.... hee. i realised that [k, i'm about to sound cocky n girly from dis point on so those who hate it get outta here.] when i walk on streets, i get stopped a few times. by photographers or model agencies ppl. i am not being cocky but its e truth. on good days, i get stopped by expats too. now dats a bonus. hahaha. some asks if i'm a model. if i'm not, do i want to be one. i think agencies r getting desperate. mum thinks i got an interesting face. TIP: interesting means not beautiful but somehow eye- catching. intriguing beauty. not the best of its kind. so i am thinking.... shud i do modelling seriously? dis is like another of my stupid mind games.... "shud i act?" "shud i sing?" "shud i dance ballet again?" n the latest in the list.... "shud i model?" every girl's ultimate dream is to be a beautiful woman. i'm not kidding. its a hormonal thing i tink. i'm not so sure. but back to my mind game. the answer is no. not only to modelling, but to each n everrry one of those questions. why? i don't know. low self- esteem, can't b bothered... i can list a thousand excuses....... but the point is, at this rate, i will live my life to the end with many dreams unfulfilled. n the very thot of dat makes me sad. y am i afraid to jus try? i noe y. cuz i am afraid to lose. to b humiliated. start small, my mind says. how? even when e 'big break' comes, say in e form of auditions for a 10 minute role for a filming school student, i won't do it. i'm too shy. if i do get e role, what if i can't act in front of filming crews etc? sigh. my mind is a complicated thing. the only time i have ever overcomed my fears was to audition for my school's talent nite. even dat, with a fren of mine. we sang together. we didn get thru but i received many compliments on my voice. many didn't know i cud sing. wen i was young i used to sing competitively. now i jus dun have the guts. its sad. i used to win too. i've been stopped on streets so many times i'm sure some other girl wud have been convinced she's got IT. whatever IT is. she wud have tried her luck somewhere somehow. but i sit at home n mope bout my lack of confidence. sigh. i was told by a local actor before that i had x- factor. i tink it was more like, he find it interesting he was e one trying to catch my eye instead of me trying to catch his- THE CELEBRITY!- attention. he noticed me at a train station n followed me home. well not home but to my train stop. quite freeaky to tink back. he told me to try modelling. or acting- better. ya rite. maybe i shud stick to smaller dreams.... or maybe i am destined for smaller dreams... but sometimes, just sometimes, i wonder what it would be like, to sing in front of a crowd...... or be surrounded by flashing lightbulbs..... or pretending to b someone else before a rolling camera.... maybe, just maybe it will happen. then again..... my mind games stops me. =].

Friday, April 04, 2003

Kids Views on Relationships

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. - Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10

"If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand."
-Unknown
that's how i feel for my boyfriend...... hehe. he makes me smile. makes me happy. makes me feel all warm n fuzzy inside. he's like a warm blanket on a rainy afternoon. n there's milk n chocolate cookies. he's like ur favourite rugged soft toy. he's my teddy bear. a classic. he makes me feel like mary poppins, like i can fly. he makes me sing my way home after meeting him. he makes me sleepless the night before we meet. he makes me love my life. he taught me how to embrace each n every beauty of life. he makes me appreciate blue skies, orange clouds during sunset, black clouds on rainy days..... my smiles has him in it. maybe that's why they are brighter lately. he makes me hug myself cuz i feel so loved. he makes me feel romantic. lovey- dovey. makes me feel..... on top of the world. he makes me fall in love. i am falling in love every time i breathe.
"We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon. But that doesn't diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives."
-Unknown

Wednesday, April 02, 2003

well.... my ice- cream day came & went. it was fun while it lasted. then me noora lim n fahrur took a neo- print. all in all, great fun. but on our way home, i told hafiz about mum n uncle lan. how he's married n all. i tink he was not quite agreeable to it. i guess he is too idealistic. but then the whole thing blew out of proportion. when he said, oh well why does it matter, its got nothing to do with us anyway, things turned really sour. i blew it out of proportion n said he didn't care. i said it has got something to do with us because dis is my mum, n if he n his family dun approve of my mum there's no way i'll marry him n if i'm not marrying him there's no way i'll stay in this r'ship. yeah i know. harsh words. now. come to tink of it. in retrospect. den at the void deck i sat down n listened to him. he was very hurt by the 'no point being in dis r'ship' line... he said his opinion was void n i didn't listen. he said i went on 'shooting my mouth' n 'jumping to conclusions'. sigh. i wish i was more rational. we haven't met after so long n we argued. so sad. then we made up... but it was scary to argue like dat. i dun tink he was ever dat angry with me. i tink he even raised his voice. i dunno. either way, it was shocking n scary. we were so shaken by it. i dunno. he hopes that our r'ship will stay strong n special. but i was scared. n shocked. he was scared i won't love him anymore. but i still do of course. but its still scary. i hope we never argue like dat again. i feel like shit for saying wat i said. i shud learn to shut up.

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

EXODUS

that was the title of my play. supposedly. its lagging now. lost my momentum.
anyway, more interestingly........ today was my uncle's birthday. pretty fun stuff. threw cake cream etc. nice la.
i played a trick on my exes. wan, imran n hadi. but only IMRAN- the self- centred, ego centric bastard fell for it. so stoopid. i told them i still like them, couldn't get over them etc....... wan knew it was a joke. hadi said he knew i love hafiz too much. and imran went...... "Ok ok ok... Ha" I wanted to go HAH! so i asked, 'what's the reply supposed to mean?' n he was like ''well wat u want me to say? y is it so hard to get over me? concentrate on lim... focus, focus'' gooood gawwdd... if i cud laugh any harder!!!! sigh. den i was like, ''erm.... rite. ya. so anyway, u comin for ice- creams tmr? btw im... do u know wat's today's date....?" n he replied... ''oh ya. april's fool. bitch...' hahahahahaha......... that's what u get for being cocky n parasitical on your ego! stoopid. of all of them to fall for it, the cockiest one. haha. wat a dumbo.
morbidity invasion.
my distant cousin passed away. this morning. very suddenly. suddenly got breathless n..... gone.
he was 23. he was engaged. he was going to get married in june. he had bought some wedding things last night. dropped off his fiancee at her place. sat there awhile. joked with the in- laws.
he left this morning. at 23. i am 18. will i make it? will you?
i can still see him. that's worse. i can see him. his smile, his eyes, his face. everything. his smile. its like a slap in my face. he was asking for me at a recent family gathering. that i did not attend.
if i had, i would have seen him for a last time. now i think the last time i saw him was hari raya.
MORBIDITY INVADES. have you thought of the day you die? how would it be like?

"sigh sigh sigh....... 8 days to go n counting.... why me??? why?? sigh. yes yes. i'm moaning about my boyfriend yet again. i have never missed a boyfriend before in my life so bear with me k. so anyway rite. ya. i wanna hold our wedding at fcp. after wat we shared there n wat i experienced tonight, its only just if i celebrate my love at a spot meaningful n beautiful. not forgetting ultra- romantic... its like. heaven. perfect. big trees, starry, dusky, VIOLET-GRAY sky... it'll be a beautiful night. only if its with hafiz of kors. with anyone else... i guess some park or garden will do. oh actually istana park is nice too. there's like, this walkway with an arched shelter thing that has flowers crawling all over it or sth... either way, its nice. it has this water flowing thing and all. fantabulous. really. back to boyfriend moaning. not the moaning itself, but the act of moaning. well i have never felt wat its like to miss someone u love [as in boyfriend, not dad, mum, sis thing] tho i have had like, 6 boyfriends or so in the past erm, 5 years. yeah they do overlap. shut up. that's the past. so back to moaning. so yeah. whenever i was apart from my exes i never felt much missing. it was more like, outta sight, outta mind. which is BAAADD... cuz it leads to flings etc. [resulting in very tragic "wait, i can't be with you, i have a boyfriend!" n "oops! sorry i just forgot i was attached to you... i'm sorry.." trust me. they're tragic n traumatising for both parties.] so ya. now i miss my boyfriend so i'll try to put this into words. its like a... weary thing. it makes me sigh alot. like, sigh.... when will i see him? sigh.... look at that couple.... sigh.... etc etc. u get the idea. its a very, warpish thing too, cuz u start hugging bolsters, talking to the soft toys he gave you [i'm really hoping i'm not the only one doing this!], n like, kissing pictures. urgh. i sound cliche but i guess the truest of love is always cliche. i mean, isn't that how it became cliche? k i'm getting confused. so anyway. missing someone.... its..... nice... in a sad smile kinda way. like when u noe u've lost ur teddy in the house so u can get it back one day but till then no teddy kinda feeling. i tink one word to describe it is miserable. cuz its not depressing n sad n fatalistic or watever... its just... miserable. kinda make days loooooong..... dreaarrryyyy.... u get the idea. so anyway. that's my take on missing boyfriends. i've never experienced it before so this is new. kinda cool. missing my boyfriend. when i know i'll definitely see him dat is. or else it'll just be a killer."
2:37 AM 3/30/2003